Cold Days
Page 94
What would I be like after twelve days? Twelve months? What if Karrin was right, and Mab got to me slow? Or worse: What if I was just human? She was right about that, too. Power corrupts-and the people being corrupted never seem to be aware that it's happening. I'd just told Butters that I wasn't magically bulletproof. What kind of arrogant ass would I be if I assumed I was morally infallible? That I would be wise and smart and savvy enough to avoid the pitfalls of power, traps that had turned better people than me into something horrible?
I didn't want her to be right. I didn't like the idea at all.
But denial is for children. I had to be a grown-up.
"Okay," I said, my throat tight. "Bob's in that satchel out in the living room. Give him back to Butters."
"Thank you," she said. "I found where you left the swords."
She meant the two Swords of the Cross, two of three holy blades meant to fill the hands of the righteous in the battle against true evil. I'd wound up babysitting them, being their custodian. Mostly they'd sat around in my place gathering dust. "Yeah?" I said.
"I know how powerful they are," she said. "And I know how vulnerable they are in the wrong hands. I'm not telling you where they are. I'm not giving them back to you. I'm not negotiating."
I exhaled slowly. A slow, hard anger rolled into a knot in my guts. "Those . . . were my responsibility," I said.
"They were," she said. There was something absolutely rigid in her blue eyes. "Not anymore."
The room suddenly felt too hot. "Suppose I disagree."
"Suppose you do," she said. "What would you do if you were in my position?"
I don't remember moving. I just remember slamming the heel of my hand into the door six inches from the side of Karrin's head. It sounded like a gunshot, and left me standing over her, breathing harder, and the difference in our sizes was damned near comical. If I wanted to, I could wrap my fingers almost all the way around her throat. Her neck would break if I squeezed.
She didn't flinch. She didn't move. She looked up at me and waited.
It hit me, what I was thinking, what my instincts were screaming at me to do, and I suddenly sagged, bowing my head. My breath came out in uneven jerks. I closed my eyes, tried to get it under control.
And then she touched me.
She rested her hand lightly on my battered forearm. Moving carefully, as if I were made of glass, her fingers slid down my arm to my hand. She took it gently and lowered it, not trying to force anything. Then she took my right hand in her left. We stood that way for a moment, our hands clasped, our heads bowed. She seemed to understand what I was going through. She didn't push me. She just held my hands and waited until my breathing had steadied again.
"Harry," she said quietlythen. "Do you want my trust?"
I nodded tightly, not trusting myself to speak.
"Then you're going to have to give me some. I'm on your side. I'm trying to help you. Let it go."
I shuddered.
"Okay," I said.
Her hands felt small and warm in mine.
"I . . . we've been friends a long time," I said. "Since that troll on the bridge."
"Yes."
My eyes blurred up, stupid things, and I closed them. "I know I've screwed up," I said. "I'm going to have to live with that. But I don't want to lose you."
In answer, Murphy lifted my right hand and pressed it against her cheek. I didn't open my eyes. I couldn't hear it in her voice or her breathing, but I felt a slight dampness touch my hand.
"I don't want to lose you, either," she said. "That scares me."
I didn't trust myself to speak for a long time.
She lowered my hands slowly, and very gently let me go. Then she turned to the door.
"Karrin," I said. "What if you're right? What if I change? I mean . . . go really bad."
She looked back enough for me to see her profile, and a quiet, sad smile.
"I work with a lot of monsters these days."
Chapter Twenty-eight
Ipicked up another jacket hanging in the closet, an old surplus military garment with an eighties-style camouflage pattern-not because I thought I would get cold as much as because I figured maybe the extra pockets would be handy if I found anything for which they would be needed. I didn't have any money or ID. I didn't have a credit card. Hell, I didn't have a business card.
What would it say? "Harry Dresden, Winter Knight, Targets Slain, No Barbecues, Waterslides, or Fireworks Displays."
I could joke around with myself all I wanted, but I would be doing it only because I didn't want to face a larger question, a really hard one: How the hell did I put my life back together?
Assuming I could do it at all.
Fortunately, I had dire evil to fight at the moment, which meant that I could think about the life thing later. Thank God for imminent doomsday. I'd hate to have to face up to the really tough stuff so soon after getting back into the game.
I heard the front door of the apartment open and close, and some quiet talk. I came out of the bedroom to find that Molly had returned. Toot-toot was riding along on one of her shoulders, hanging on to the top rim of her ear to keep his balance. He looked none the worse for wear.
"Harry," Molly said, smiling. "You look better. How do you feel?"
"I'll do," I said. "Major General, I see you're back on your feet. The last time I saw you, I figured you'd be down for weeks."
I didn't want her to be right. I didn't like the idea at all.
But denial is for children. I had to be a grown-up.
"Okay," I said, my throat tight. "Bob's in that satchel out in the living room. Give him back to Butters."
"Thank you," she said. "I found where you left the swords."
She meant the two Swords of the Cross, two of three holy blades meant to fill the hands of the righteous in the battle against true evil. I'd wound up babysitting them, being their custodian. Mostly they'd sat around in my place gathering dust. "Yeah?" I said.
"I know how powerful they are," she said. "And I know how vulnerable they are in the wrong hands. I'm not telling you where they are. I'm not giving them back to you. I'm not negotiating."
I exhaled slowly. A slow, hard anger rolled into a knot in my guts. "Those . . . were my responsibility," I said.
"They were," she said. There was something absolutely rigid in her blue eyes. "Not anymore."
The room suddenly felt too hot. "Suppose I disagree."
"Suppose you do," she said. "What would you do if you were in my position?"
I don't remember moving. I just remember slamming the heel of my hand into the door six inches from the side of Karrin's head. It sounded like a gunshot, and left me standing over her, breathing harder, and the difference in our sizes was damned near comical. If I wanted to, I could wrap my fingers almost all the way around her throat. Her neck would break if I squeezed.
She didn't flinch. She didn't move. She looked up at me and waited.
It hit me, what I was thinking, what my instincts were screaming at me to do, and I suddenly sagged, bowing my head. My breath came out in uneven jerks. I closed my eyes, tried to get it under control.
And then she touched me.
She rested her hand lightly on my battered forearm. Moving carefully, as if I were made of glass, her fingers slid down my arm to my hand. She took it gently and lowered it, not trying to force anything. Then she took my right hand in her left. We stood that way for a moment, our hands clasped, our heads bowed. She seemed to understand what I was going through. She didn't push me. She just held my hands and waited until my breathing had steadied again.
"Harry," she said quietlythen. "Do you want my trust?"
I nodded tightly, not trusting myself to speak.
"Then you're going to have to give me some. I'm on your side. I'm trying to help you. Let it go."
I shuddered.
"Okay," I said.
Her hands felt small and warm in mine.
"I . . . we've been friends a long time," I said. "Since that troll on the bridge."
"Yes."
My eyes blurred up, stupid things, and I closed them. "I know I've screwed up," I said. "I'm going to have to live with that. But I don't want to lose you."
In answer, Murphy lifted my right hand and pressed it against her cheek. I didn't open my eyes. I couldn't hear it in her voice or her breathing, but I felt a slight dampness touch my hand.
"I don't want to lose you, either," she said. "That scares me."
I didn't trust myself to speak for a long time.
She lowered my hands slowly, and very gently let me go. Then she turned to the door.
"Karrin," I said. "What if you're right? What if I change? I mean . . . go really bad."
She looked back enough for me to see her profile, and a quiet, sad smile.
"I work with a lot of monsters these days."
Chapter Twenty-eight
Ipicked up another jacket hanging in the closet, an old surplus military garment with an eighties-style camouflage pattern-not because I thought I would get cold as much as because I figured maybe the extra pockets would be handy if I found anything for which they would be needed. I didn't have any money or ID. I didn't have a credit card. Hell, I didn't have a business card.
What would it say? "Harry Dresden, Winter Knight, Targets Slain, No Barbecues, Waterslides, or Fireworks Displays."
I could joke around with myself all I wanted, but I would be doing it only because I didn't want to face a larger question, a really hard one: How the hell did I put my life back together?
Assuming I could do it at all.
Fortunately, I had dire evil to fight at the moment, which meant that I could think about the life thing later. Thank God for imminent doomsday. I'd hate to have to face up to the really tough stuff so soon after getting back into the game.
I heard the front door of the apartment open and close, and some quiet talk. I came out of the bedroom to find that Molly had returned. Toot-toot was riding along on one of her shoulders, hanging on to the top rim of her ear to keep his balance. He looked none the worse for wear.
"Harry," Molly said, smiling. "You look better. How do you feel?"
"I'll do," I said. "Major General, I see you're back on your feet. The last time I saw you, I figured you'd be down for weeks."
