Craving Absolution
Page 19
We’d christened the shower and fallen into bed naked, choosing a soft bed and clean sheets over going through the boxes and bags in my room. I was almost asleep when Cody leaned up on one elbow to look at me.
“You’re sleeping naked from now on,” he ordered me quietly.
“You’re getting spoiled because I can’t find my box of clothes. Don’t push your luck,” I mumbled back, my cheek pressed into the pillow.
“Ladybug, if I’m here, you’re sleeping naked. You can argue all you want, but you know I’m just going to strip you down anyway.” He leaned down to kiss my bare shoulder, running his tongue to the back of my neck. “What’s this?”
“My tattoo. You’ve seen it.”
“No, I remember when you got it, but your hair’s usually down or you’ve got a scarf on. What is it?” he asked, running his tongue along the back of my neck, causing my tired body to clench weakly in pleasure.
“An echo,” I answered sleepily, my eyes popping open as I felt his body go stiff beside me.
“You tattooed an echo on your fucking neck?” he yelled, his anger completely baffling me.
“That’s what I said,” I answered sharply, rolling over and scooting into a sitting position to hide the offending tattoo. “What’s your problem?”
I was being a bitch. I knew it as I spit the words at him, but I couldn’t help myself. For some reason, I was feeling really embarrassed about him finding fault with something on my body. Even though it had nothing to do with my shape, it still caused my insecurities to flare up like a bottle rocket. And when they did, I had my own way to deal with it. I didn’t do insecure; I did smug disinterest.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” he mumbled under his breath in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You know what, I’m gonna head out.”
“What?” I almost gasped, but held it in by sheer force of will. I wasn’t going to give him that power—not ever. My emotions belonged to me and no one else. He’d never know that his words were like a slap across my face.
“I’m gonna head to my place at the club and make sure everything’s cool. I haven’t been there in a while and I need to check in.” He spoke easily as he pulled on his clothes and boots, but his frustration was evident as he moved around the room, his movements sharp and jerky as he refused to look at me.
I hated the thought of him leaving, not only because he was so obviously angry, but also because I was nervous to stay in my new apartment all by myself. I didn’t say a word as he grabbed his wallet off the floor and headed to the door, though. I’d long ago promised myself that I’d never again beg anyone for anything, and that was what I knew it would be—me begging him to stay. If he wanted to leave, I wouldn’t stop him. They all left at one point or another; maybe it was better that we hadn’t gotten any deeper into whatever we were doing.
So I watched him stonily, building my internal defenses against Cody as he turned his head to nod good-bye, and without a word was gone.
I sat in bed for a few minutes, calmly trying to figure out what had set him off, but the only reason I could come up with was some odd jealousy. It didn’t make any sense that Cody would feel jealous of a tattoo in memory of a dead man. It wasn’t even a big tattoo, just an eraser-sized circle on the left with half circles to the right, starting small and growing steadily larger. It was shorter than the pinky on my left hand; I’d measured it.
I thought about crawling under my quilt, but refused to cower just because he’d left. That wasn’t me. Instead, I started going through all my boxes until I found the one holding most of my clothes. Once I’d dressed in my pajamas, though, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. It was silent in the apartment aside from the humming of the refrigerator, and it felt like the walls were closing in on me as I grabbed my phone out of my purse and checked the time.
Ten o’clock. Not too late, thank God.
“Hey, Gram.” I smiled when she answered, hearing music playing softly in the background. “Want some company?”
She didn’t ask where Cody was when I got there, and didn’t say a word about why I wasn’t in my own apartment. Instead, after a long look at my face and a squeeze on my bicep, she put me to work unpacking dishes and utensils into her kitchen cupboards while she bustled around setting out canisters and a bread box on her counter.
Gram kept me busy until I felt ready to drop, then without any discussion turned off the lights and led me into her box-filled bedroom. We climbed into her bed together, each of us rolling to face the outside of the bed—our backs almost touching—and fell asleep like we’d done for months after Echo was killed.
It was only a few hours later that I woke up to someone lifting me from the bed. My heart began to thump loudly in my ears as I wondered what was going on, but my sense of self-preservation kept my limbs relaxed. I opened my eyes into slits to see the shadow of Gram standing in the doorway, and I suddenly recognized the scent of the person who’d picked me up.
“Taking her home,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss Gram’s forehead as he passed. “Thanks, Gram.”
I was still pretending to be asleep as we reached the living room, but I felt tears begin to form as Gram called out quietly to Cody.
“You wanted this, Cody. You waited her out and you chased her, now you’ve got her. But you need to remember that she’s a lot softer than she lets on. Today’s been a hard day for her, moving into a new place without Callie and Will. She’s dealt with a lot in her lifetime, spent years protecting herself from people she shouldn’t have had to. It takes quite a bit for her to trust someone.” She paused for a moment, the air heavy with tension. “It doesn’t take much to break that trust, son. You keep that in mind before you go leaving her again when she needs you.”
“You’re sleeping naked from now on,” he ordered me quietly.
“You’re getting spoiled because I can’t find my box of clothes. Don’t push your luck,” I mumbled back, my cheek pressed into the pillow.
“Ladybug, if I’m here, you’re sleeping naked. You can argue all you want, but you know I’m just going to strip you down anyway.” He leaned down to kiss my bare shoulder, running his tongue to the back of my neck. “What’s this?”
“My tattoo. You’ve seen it.”
“No, I remember when you got it, but your hair’s usually down or you’ve got a scarf on. What is it?” he asked, running his tongue along the back of my neck, causing my tired body to clench weakly in pleasure.
“An echo,” I answered sleepily, my eyes popping open as I felt his body go stiff beside me.
“You tattooed an echo on your fucking neck?” he yelled, his anger completely baffling me.
“That’s what I said,” I answered sharply, rolling over and scooting into a sitting position to hide the offending tattoo. “What’s your problem?”
I was being a bitch. I knew it as I spit the words at him, but I couldn’t help myself. For some reason, I was feeling really embarrassed about him finding fault with something on my body. Even though it had nothing to do with my shape, it still caused my insecurities to flare up like a bottle rocket. And when they did, I had my own way to deal with it. I didn’t do insecure; I did smug disinterest.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” he mumbled under his breath in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You know what, I’m gonna head out.”
“What?” I almost gasped, but held it in by sheer force of will. I wasn’t going to give him that power—not ever. My emotions belonged to me and no one else. He’d never know that his words were like a slap across my face.
“I’m gonna head to my place at the club and make sure everything’s cool. I haven’t been there in a while and I need to check in.” He spoke easily as he pulled on his clothes and boots, but his frustration was evident as he moved around the room, his movements sharp and jerky as he refused to look at me.
I hated the thought of him leaving, not only because he was so obviously angry, but also because I was nervous to stay in my new apartment all by myself. I didn’t say a word as he grabbed his wallet off the floor and headed to the door, though. I’d long ago promised myself that I’d never again beg anyone for anything, and that was what I knew it would be—me begging him to stay. If he wanted to leave, I wouldn’t stop him. They all left at one point or another; maybe it was better that we hadn’t gotten any deeper into whatever we were doing.
So I watched him stonily, building my internal defenses against Cody as he turned his head to nod good-bye, and without a word was gone.
I sat in bed for a few minutes, calmly trying to figure out what had set him off, but the only reason I could come up with was some odd jealousy. It didn’t make any sense that Cody would feel jealous of a tattoo in memory of a dead man. It wasn’t even a big tattoo, just an eraser-sized circle on the left with half circles to the right, starting small and growing steadily larger. It was shorter than the pinky on my left hand; I’d measured it.
I thought about crawling under my quilt, but refused to cower just because he’d left. That wasn’t me. Instead, I started going through all my boxes until I found the one holding most of my clothes. Once I’d dressed in my pajamas, though, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. It was silent in the apartment aside from the humming of the refrigerator, and it felt like the walls were closing in on me as I grabbed my phone out of my purse and checked the time.
Ten o’clock. Not too late, thank God.
“Hey, Gram.” I smiled when she answered, hearing music playing softly in the background. “Want some company?”
She didn’t ask where Cody was when I got there, and didn’t say a word about why I wasn’t in my own apartment. Instead, after a long look at my face and a squeeze on my bicep, she put me to work unpacking dishes and utensils into her kitchen cupboards while she bustled around setting out canisters and a bread box on her counter.
Gram kept me busy until I felt ready to drop, then without any discussion turned off the lights and led me into her box-filled bedroom. We climbed into her bed together, each of us rolling to face the outside of the bed—our backs almost touching—and fell asleep like we’d done for months after Echo was killed.
It was only a few hours later that I woke up to someone lifting me from the bed. My heart began to thump loudly in my ears as I wondered what was going on, but my sense of self-preservation kept my limbs relaxed. I opened my eyes into slits to see the shadow of Gram standing in the doorway, and I suddenly recognized the scent of the person who’d picked me up.
“Taking her home,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss Gram’s forehead as he passed. “Thanks, Gram.”
I was still pretending to be asleep as we reached the living room, but I felt tears begin to form as Gram called out quietly to Cody.
“You wanted this, Cody. You waited her out and you chased her, now you’ve got her. But you need to remember that she’s a lot softer than she lets on. Today’s been a hard day for her, moving into a new place without Callie and Will. She’s dealt with a lot in her lifetime, spent years protecting herself from people she shouldn’t have had to. It takes quite a bit for her to trust someone.” She paused for a moment, the air heavy with tension. “It doesn’t take much to break that trust, son. You keep that in mind before you go leaving her again when she needs you.”
