Craving Absolution
Page 20
“I won’t do it again,” he answered quietly, tightening his hold on me.
“See that you don’t.”
Chapter 8
Farrah
The next morning I was up early, the sound of Cody’s soft snoring irritating me like nails on a chalkboard. I tried to stay in bed—the early morning hours were no friend of mine—but soon realized it was a lost cause. His body heat and the heavy arm draped over my waist felt as if they were suffocating me.
He’d been right that night when we’d argued about my living arrangements. Our relationship had started long before we’d started having sex. We’d begun some strange cat-and-mouse game years before, both of us pushing and pulling at each other until neither of us knew which way was up. I never knew if he would ignore me or be in my face, but I always knew that he would be there, watching and waiting for his moment. It was something I’d foolishly grown to count on.
Now, though, the chase was over. He’d gotten what he wanted, and I didn’t mean the sex. He’d somehow convinced me to start a relationship—not that I’d taken much convincing—and we were sleeping in the same bed and spending time together. The lines of where I ended and he began had become blurred.
I’d had my own life in Sacramento with a job, apartment, friends . . . and now my world seemed to revolve around Cody. We were making plans dependent upon what the other person wanted to do, eating our meals together, visiting Gram together. It was beginning to feel like too much.
It had only been a few days, I knew that, but that was exactly why I was having such a hard time. Before, when he’d leave, I knew he was coming back. There was no reason for him not to come back. We’d been friends, and any spats we’d had were forgiven and easily forgotten. But I knew now that we were trying to be something more, life would no longer be so simple.
As I quietly unpacked my toiletries and the few household items that didn’t require me to walk back into the room with Sleeping Beauty, I came to the realization that I was completely and utterly fucked. After less than a week, I’d been ready to curl up in bed and cry like a little girl because Cody had gotten pissed and left. If I continued on the path we were racing down, losing him would break me in a way that I might never come back from . . . and I knew I’d lose him. The only question was when.
My normal beauty routine didn’t calm me like it usually did as I got ready for the day, my elaborate victory-roll hairstyle and flawless eyeliner failing to take my mind off the man sleeping in my bed. I had to make a decision, and whatever decision I made could potentially change the entire course of my life. How did someone deal with crap like that at nine in the morning? It was unnatural.
So instead of making a decision and standing by it, no matter how bad it hurt or how much it scared me, I decided to take the coward’s way out and do nothing. I’d continue on as we were, having fun and ridiculously good sex, with one small difference.
I had to push my guard back into place. I’d been foolish to drop it around him, letting him see too much. That was going to change today. When he left, I’d be prepared. It was the only way I could carry on with whatever it was we were doing without losing myself entirely in the process.
“Can’t believe you woke up before me,” he called from the bed, startling me as I slipped into a pair of powder-blue cigarette pants and a short-sleeved button-down blouse.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep,” I answered, keeping my eyes averted from the bed as I started unpacking my bedroom. If he was already awake, there was no reason to avoid the room anymore.
“I was a dick last night.”
“No, just pissy,” I reassured him with a fake smile. “Not a big deal.” I blew off what sounded like the beginning of an apology with the wave of a hand. “I hung out with Gram and we got a ton of her kitchen stuff put away, so it actually turned out good that you left.”
I was using all the bravado I could muster, talking to him over my shoulder as I unpacked, and it seemed to be working. He didn’t say anything more as he got up and walked out of the room, and my shoulders dropped in relief when I was sure he couldn’t see me.
I could do it. I could brace myself without causing some huge argument, I just had to be stealthy about it, and when he left me I wouldn’t say a word about it. Things could go back to how they were before, without any drama or fanfare, and I’d be able to keep my little adoptive family.
It could work.
I turned to him when he came back in the room, and couldn’t help the way my gaze roved over his mostly naked body. He wasn’t huge but his muscles were evident, with a six-pack that showed up when he flexed, and strong, defined thighs. I hated when guys had a ton of upper-body strength, but their legs were as skinny as mine. It looked ridiculous.
Cody wasn’t lanky, but he wasn’t big and beefy either. He was streamlined, muscular, but more compact than a guy who spent all his time at the gym. I wondered if it was just good genes that gave him that body.
“Do you work out?” I mumbled, never taking my eyes away from his chest and the small sprinkling of hair there.
His laughter snapped me out of my fog, but not before I realized he’d grown hard as I was staring.
“Yeah, I run and lift some weights. Don’t do it as much as I should, though, haven’t had the time lately.” He crossed the room until he was standing right in front of me, and I didn’t stop him as he slowly unbuttoned my shirt. “You like what you see?”
“See that you don’t.”
Chapter 8
Farrah
The next morning I was up early, the sound of Cody’s soft snoring irritating me like nails on a chalkboard. I tried to stay in bed—the early morning hours were no friend of mine—but soon realized it was a lost cause. His body heat and the heavy arm draped over my waist felt as if they were suffocating me.
He’d been right that night when we’d argued about my living arrangements. Our relationship had started long before we’d started having sex. We’d begun some strange cat-and-mouse game years before, both of us pushing and pulling at each other until neither of us knew which way was up. I never knew if he would ignore me or be in my face, but I always knew that he would be there, watching and waiting for his moment. It was something I’d foolishly grown to count on.
Now, though, the chase was over. He’d gotten what he wanted, and I didn’t mean the sex. He’d somehow convinced me to start a relationship—not that I’d taken much convincing—and we were sleeping in the same bed and spending time together. The lines of where I ended and he began had become blurred.
I’d had my own life in Sacramento with a job, apartment, friends . . . and now my world seemed to revolve around Cody. We were making plans dependent upon what the other person wanted to do, eating our meals together, visiting Gram together. It was beginning to feel like too much.
It had only been a few days, I knew that, but that was exactly why I was having such a hard time. Before, when he’d leave, I knew he was coming back. There was no reason for him not to come back. We’d been friends, and any spats we’d had were forgiven and easily forgotten. But I knew now that we were trying to be something more, life would no longer be so simple.
As I quietly unpacked my toiletries and the few household items that didn’t require me to walk back into the room with Sleeping Beauty, I came to the realization that I was completely and utterly fucked. After less than a week, I’d been ready to curl up in bed and cry like a little girl because Cody had gotten pissed and left. If I continued on the path we were racing down, losing him would break me in a way that I might never come back from . . . and I knew I’d lose him. The only question was when.
My normal beauty routine didn’t calm me like it usually did as I got ready for the day, my elaborate victory-roll hairstyle and flawless eyeliner failing to take my mind off the man sleeping in my bed. I had to make a decision, and whatever decision I made could potentially change the entire course of my life. How did someone deal with crap like that at nine in the morning? It was unnatural.
So instead of making a decision and standing by it, no matter how bad it hurt or how much it scared me, I decided to take the coward’s way out and do nothing. I’d continue on as we were, having fun and ridiculously good sex, with one small difference.
I had to push my guard back into place. I’d been foolish to drop it around him, letting him see too much. That was going to change today. When he left, I’d be prepared. It was the only way I could carry on with whatever it was we were doing without losing myself entirely in the process.
“Can’t believe you woke up before me,” he called from the bed, startling me as I slipped into a pair of powder-blue cigarette pants and a short-sleeved button-down blouse.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep,” I answered, keeping my eyes averted from the bed as I started unpacking my bedroom. If he was already awake, there was no reason to avoid the room anymore.
“I was a dick last night.”
“No, just pissy,” I reassured him with a fake smile. “Not a big deal.” I blew off what sounded like the beginning of an apology with the wave of a hand. “I hung out with Gram and we got a ton of her kitchen stuff put away, so it actually turned out good that you left.”
I was using all the bravado I could muster, talking to him over my shoulder as I unpacked, and it seemed to be working. He didn’t say anything more as he got up and walked out of the room, and my shoulders dropped in relief when I was sure he couldn’t see me.
I could do it. I could brace myself without causing some huge argument, I just had to be stealthy about it, and when he left me I wouldn’t say a word about it. Things could go back to how they were before, without any drama or fanfare, and I’d be able to keep my little adoptive family.
It could work.
I turned to him when he came back in the room, and couldn’t help the way my gaze roved over his mostly naked body. He wasn’t huge but his muscles were evident, with a six-pack that showed up when he flexed, and strong, defined thighs. I hated when guys had a ton of upper-body strength, but their legs were as skinny as mine. It looked ridiculous.
Cody wasn’t lanky, but he wasn’t big and beefy either. He was streamlined, muscular, but more compact than a guy who spent all his time at the gym. I wondered if it was just good genes that gave him that body.
“Do you work out?” I mumbled, never taking my eyes away from his chest and the small sprinkling of hair there.
His laughter snapped me out of my fog, but not before I realized he’d grown hard as I was staring.
“Yeah, I run and lift some weights. Don’t do it as much as I should, though, haven’t had the time lately.” He crossed the room until he was standing right in front of me, and I didn’t stop him as he slowly unbuttoned my shirt. “You like what you see?”
