Cut Wide Open
Page 34
“She didn't open her eyes,” he whispered.
I didn't imagine she would. “She’s not ready yet. It’ll happen. In the meantime, get some rest. Yeah?”
He shifted so he was under the blankets, “You won't leave, will you?”
“I’ll be right here,” I squeezed his hand which had found mine again and listened as his breathing evened out. Once he was good and asleep, I talked to Charlie. I’m not even sure what I said, quite honestly. I babbled until I could no longer keep my eyes open. The last thing I remembered was reassuring her that she was safe, and begging her to come back to me.
***
When I woke up, the room was just beginning to glow from the early morning sun. I gripped the sheet around Charlie and held her closer to me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to face the horrors of what had happened to her, and thought about the two of us laying underneath the stars. I thought of how quiet she’d been with everyone else, but how she seemed to speak to me with no hesitation. I thought about how pretty I always thought she was, even when I was only a boy. I thought about how she thought that I didn't notice her, even when I did. She was always so strong. “Be strong for me, Mouse,” I said in a hushed whisper as I opened my eyes to face another day.
I noticed the empty IV bag and hurriedly sat up to change it. That’s when I saw the door was slightly cracked and that Gun wasn't here. I jumped up, angry at myself for sleeping so soundly. I moved out of the bedroom and rushed to the common area about to call his name. There he sat at a small table with a box of Lucky Charms in front of him. Reggie sat across from him and he lifted his blue plastic bowl towards me, “Want some?”
I let out a breath, I was so nervous. “Nah, gonna hit the head,” I said and moved to the bathroom to relieve myself.
When I came out, Doc was there pouring himself a cup of coffee. “I was about to change her drip,” I told him.
“I can do it. I need to change her dressings anyways.” He took a sip of the steaming hot liquid and picked up his black medicine bag.
“I’ll help. Reggie, you good keeping an eye on Gun?”
“No problem. I was just telling Gun, that I’d beat him at Grand Turbo Three.”
“What! You haven't beat me yet. You’re on!”
I couldn't help but smirk, but then Doc placed his hand on top of mine. “You might want to sit this out. You weren’t here when I dressed them. It ain’t good, Brother.”
I looked at him pointedly, “That woman in there, she went through that. She felt that. I won’t shy away because it’ll hurt. What kind of man do you take me for? Now, you going to stare at me all day, or can we take care of Charlie?
He nodded his head, resigned to the fact that nothing he could say would stop me. She was still out of it as Doc took her vitals, “She’s a fighter, alright. Heartbeat is stronger today.” He rolled her onto her side so that her back was to us and moved the blanket exposing her. I hadn’t realized last night that she was basically wrapped in sheets. There was a sheet around her front, even covering her shoulders and then there was another on her back. He moved the sheet on her back, and ordered, “Well if you’re here, you might as well be useful. Get me some clean water and a trash can.”
A minute later, I returned and when I walked into the room, my breath caught. I’d seen Charlie when she was hooked and hanging, but I was fueled with adrenaline. Now, her back was bare to me and the damage to her flesh was a lot more visible. She was cut wide open in thick gashes.
“Some of the tissue has already started to heal, so I can't stitch it. I need to keep an eye out for infection. We’re going to clean it, put ointment on it, and then re-bandage it.”
“What’s that?” I pointed to her lower back. I moved my face in closer. There was an angry gash through it, but I made it out. Branded into her skin, were the letters ES. “Motherfucker,” I roared.
“Need a minute, Doc.”
“I can do this alone, you don’t…”
“I said a minute,” I said through gritted teeth. I walked out of the room, saw Gun in the living room playing video games, and knew I couldn't lose my shit in front of him. I cut Reggie a look and knew my brother would shield my son, then I walked outside.
“Fuuuck!” I bellowed as I dropped to my knees in the dirt. I breathed in and out, inhaling the moist air. I wanted to hit something--someone. I wanted to scream to the universe that my Mouse didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve a thing that had happened to her. She didn't deserve to be in pain.
When I’d seen her on that stage after not seeing her for so long, I thought she was doing okay. She was high, so not great, but I thought she was okay. I was so angry at myself. If I’d only seen past my own bullheadedness, none of this would’ve happened.
I did this.
Me.
I might not have branded her, but if I’d only found her sooner… If I’d only seen past the glassy eyes… If I’d only saved her before…
I couldn't even finish my self-deprecating thoughts, too many ‘if only’s’ passed through my mind. My shoulders rose and fell rapidly. I was a man on the brink. I’d lose it or channel my anger. I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard Ace’s deep voice, “Reign it in. That shit you got going through your head, It ain’t on you.”
I don’t know how he knew what was going through my mind, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. It was, after all, the ever observant Ace.
I took a few more deep breaths and heard, “Reign it in,” again.
After another minute of trying to get myself under control, I stood. I didn't glance at Ace. I needed to get back into Charlie.
“You good?” Doc asked as I walked back in.
“Not even a little, but let’s do this.”
Doc eyed me, feeling out my temperament, and then began to show me how much ointment to apply and how to bandage her wounds. “I’m only going to do this for another few days, and then I want the air to hit it. It might start to scab better, so be prepared to find something for your kid to do, so he won’t have to see it.”
I agreed with the plan and once we were finished changing her, I got a hair brush and a fresh bowl of water. I cleaned her skin with care and then brushed her hair. I don’t even know how long I focused on each strand, but it was nearing lunch when Reggie knocked. “Going to make some burgers, you want one?” I couldn't think about eating at a time like this. I just wanted her to wake up, flinch, something. The rise and fall of her chest, the subtle pulse at her throat, were the only signs that she held life. I needed more. I wouldn't leave her.
I didn't imagine she would. “She’s not ready yet. It’ll happen. In the meantime, get some rest. Yeah?”
He shifted so he was under the blankets, “You won't leave, will you?”
“I’ll be right here,” I squeezed his hand which had found mine again and listened as his breathing evened out. Once he was good and asleep, I talked to Charlie. I’m not even sure what I said, quite honestly. I babbled until I could no longer keep my eyes open. The last thing I remembered was reassuring her that she was safe, and begging her to come back to me.
***
When I woke up, the room was just beginning to glow from the early morning sun. I gripped the sheet around Charlie and held her closer to me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to face the horrors of what had happened to her, and thought about the two of us laying underneath the stars. I thought of how quiet she’d been with everyone else, but how she seemed to speak to me with no hesitation. I thought about how pretty I always thought she was, even when I was only a boy. I thought about how she thought that I didn't notice her, even when I did. She was always so strong. “Be strong for me, Mouse,” I said in a hushed whisper as I opened my eyes to face another day.
I noticed the empty IV bag and hurriedly sat up to change it. That’s when I saw the door was slightly cracked and that Gun wasn't here. I jumped up, angry at myself for sleeping so soundly. I moved out of the bedroom and rushed to the common area about to call his name. There he sat at a small table with a box of Lucky Charms in front of him. Reggie sat across from him and he lifted his blue plastic bowl towards me, “Want some?”
I let out a breath, I was so nervous. “Nah, gonna hit the head,” I said and moved to the bathroom to relieve myself.
When I came out, Doc was there pouring himself a cup of coffee. “I was about to change her drip,” I told him.
“I can do it. I need to change her dressings anyways.” He took a sip of the steaming hot liquid and picked up his black medicine bag.
“I’ll help. Reggie, you good keeping an eye on Gun?”
“No problem. I was just telling Gun, that I’d beat him at Grand Turbo Three.”
“What! You haven't beat me yet. You’re on!”
I couldn't help but smirk, but then Doc placed his hand on top of mine. “You might want to sit this out. You weren’t here when I dressed them. It ain’t good, Brother.”
I looked at him pointedly, “That woman in there, she went through that. She felt that. I won’t shy away because it’ll hurt. What kind of man do you take me for? Now, you going to stare at me all day, or can we take care of Charlie?
He nodded his head, resigned to the fact that nothing he could say would stop me. She was still out of it as Doc took her vitals, “She’s a fighter, alright. Heartbeat is stronger today.” He rolled her onto her side so that her back was to us and moved the blanket exposing her. I hadn’t realized last night that she was basically wrapped in sheets. There was a sheet around her front, even covering her shoulders and then there was another on her back. He moved the sheet on her back, and ordered, “Well if you’re here, you might as well be useful. Get me some clean water and a trash can.”
A minute later, I returned and when I walked into the room, my breath caught. I’d seen Charlie when she was hooked and hanging, but I was fueled with adrenaline. Now, her back was bare to me and the damage to her flesh was a lot more visible. She was cut wide open in thick gashes.
“Some of the tissue has already started to heal, so I can't stitch it. I need to keep an eye out for infection. We’re going to clean it, put ointment on it, and then re-bandage it.”
“What’s that?” I pointed to her lower back. I moved my face in closer. There was an angry gash through it, but I made it out. Branded into her skin, were the letters ES. “Motherfucker,” I roared.
“Need a minute, Doc.”
“I can do this alone, you don’t…”
“I said a minute,” I said through gritted teeth. I walked out of the room, saw Gun in the living room playing video games, and knew I couldn't lose my shit in front of him. I cut Reggie a look and knew my brother would shield my son, then I walked outside.
“Fuuuck!” I bellowed as I dropped to my knees in the dirt. I breathed in and out, inhaling the moist air. I wanted to hit something--someone. I wanted to scream to the universe that my Mouse didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve a thing that had happened to her. She didn't deserve to be in pain.
When I’d seen her on that stage after not seeing her for so long, I thought she was doing okay. She was high, so not great, but I thought she was okay. I was so angry at myself. If I’d only seen past my own bullheadedness, none of this would’ve happened.
I did this.
Me.
I might not have branded her, but if I’d only found her sooner… If I’d only seen past the glassy eyes… If I’d only saved her before…
I couldn't even finish my self-deprecating thoughts, too many ‘if only’s’ passed through my mind. My shoulders rose and fell rapidly. I was a man on the brink. I’d lose it or channel my anger. I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard Ace’s deep voice, “Reign it in. That shit you got going through your head, It ain’t on you.”
I don’t know how he knew what was going through my mind, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. It was, after all, the ever observant Ace.
I took a few more deep breaths and heard, “Reign it in,” again.
After another minute of trying to get myself under control, I stood. I didn't glance at Ace. I needed to get back into Charlie.
“You good?” Doc asked as I walked back in.
“Not even a little, but let’s do this.”
Doc eyed me, feeling out my temperament, and then began to show me how much ointment to apply and how to bandage her wounds. “I’m only going to do this for another few days, and then I want the air to hit it. It might start to scab better, so be prepared to find something for your kid to do, so he won’t have to see it.”
I agreed with the plan and once we were finished changing her, I got a hair brush and a fresh bowl of water. I cleaned her skin with care and then brushed her hair. I don’t even know how long I focused on each strand, but it was nearing lunch when Reggie knocked. “Going to make some burgers, you want one?” I couldn't think about eating at a time like this. I just wanted her to wake up, flinch, something. The rise and fall of her chest, the subtle pulse at her throat, were the only signs that she held life. I needed more. I wouldn't leave her.
