Damnable Grace
Page 33
“Yeah,” I replied, and Phebe sat down. She tightened the blanket around her body. “You cold?” I asked. The night was pretty fucking warm.
Phebe looked up at me, fucking stealing my damn breath. “I fluctuate between being far too hot and freezing cold. Right now I am struggling to remain warm.” She pointed at the fire. “I saw you out here and wondered if the fire would be of help.”
The fire was burning pretty strong, and as I stared at her face, the orange flames reflecting on her face, I found it hard to fucking look away. Clearing my throat, I said, “I heard that’s a thing. Not being able to regulate your body temperature for a while. The effects of the detox.”
Phebe gave me a watery smile. “I suspect so.” She leaned back against the seat, and her gaze became lost in the fire. I lit up a smoke and stared at the flames myself. It wasn’t long before I felt Phebe’s eyes on me. When I turned and caught her, her blue eyes were fucking studying me, like they were dissecting every part of my face.
“What?” I asked.
“You act differently with them.”
I furrowed my brow. “Who?”
“Your two friends. The ones who were out here with you tonight.”
“You were watching us?” I asked. Her cheeks blazed with embarrassment.
“I needed a drink of water and some fresh air. But when I saw them out here with you, I waited until they left. I . . . I am not ready to see anyone . . . anyone but you.” Her lips curled up at the corners as she said that shit, and Christ if my chest didn’t tighten some. That is, until she leaned my way, her face so fucking close to mine. “You laughed and you joked. You were silly and playful.” I went to laugh, telling her that’s who I really was, but the bitch wasn’t laughing. She wasn’t even smiling anymore. “You wear a mask, AK.” Her head tipped to the side as my heart slammed against my ribcage and didn’t let up. “You laughed and you joked, but your eyes . . .” Phebe reached out and ran her fingers around my eyes. “Your eyes remained haunted. Seeing something in the world that your mirth can not dissolve.”
I froze, fucking stock-still. Phebe ducked her eyes, then sat back in her seat and stared at the fire. “I watched you, wondering why you portray yourself as two people. Then I believe I found the answer—because you wish to find happiness in the shoes you fill now.” She turned to me and fucking seared me with her blue eyes. “Not the shoes you once wore. The ones that caused you pain, blistering both your feet and heart . . . for good.”
“Yeah?” I answered, my traitorous voice fucking cut open by her accuracy. “How do you know?”
“Because only someone who has walked in similar shoes, who has walked that familiar path, can see it.” Phebe bent up her knees and ran her hands over her feet. They were still cut and marked from the ghost town. “These scars will fade, yet they will never leave. Just like you, AK. The playful attitude you find in the company of your friends will endure, but your eyes will forever bare your soul to one who truly recognizes it.”
“What do you recognize in my eyes?” I asked, my fucking blood draining from my face. My damn palms started sweating, and my fingers shook, the ash from my smoke falling onto my jeans.
“Someone searching for grace.” Phebe laughed a laugh that held not one bit of humor. “Strangers to our kind of pain, people who have yet to be thrown onto the same rocky road, will not recognize you as a fellow traveler, desperately seeking what lies at the end of the path.” She took a deep breath. “Forgiveness. But those of us who have already been walking the road for miles will see you. We will see within you a kindred spirit.”
She didn’t push me. She didn’t ask what I might be hiding. No, she just ripped open my fucking chest, bared my soul, then left it out on display for her ocean-blue eyes to see.
Phebe’s arms came out of the blanket and she held out her palms toward the fire. I saw her eyes go to her arms, then she huffed out a single laugh. “My freckles. My millions of freckles stand out against my pale skin like neon lights in this fire’s glow.” She shrugged. “I always disliked them.” She placed her hand on her face. “Especially the ones on my face. I felt they muddied my looks. Made me stand out from the crowd.”
They fucking did. She stood out a fucking mile. But not in a bad way. After having her in my cabin for a week, I was pretty sure she was the most stunning bitch I ever saw.
I looked up at the night sky, then back to Phebe. “Look up.” Phebe snapped her eyes to me. “Look up at the sky,” I said again. She did. I watched as a fucking huge smile came onto her lips.
“There are so many stars,” she whispered.
“Imagine the sky without them.”
Phebe looked at me in confusion. “Why would I do that? They make the sky so pretty. They are the reason people stargaze. To see their beauty.”
“Think of your face like the sky. The freckles, the stars, only make the sight more worth looking at.”
Phebe’s eyes widened, so much so that her lashes practically pressed against her eyebrows. She blinked, she fucking silently blinked, making me feel like a fucking moron. Then her eyes shimmered. “Thank you,” she whispered, like she’d never received a compliment in her life.
But it was true. I couldn’t imagine that fucking beautiful face without her freckles any more than I could imagine the night sky without the stars.
“AK?” she asked minutes later.
“Mm?”
“I am to leave you tomorrow?”
My stomach flipped. Fucking rolled at the thought of her gone and not in my bed. “Yeah. You need to see your sister again. Didn’t wanna bring her here when you were like you were. Now you’re better, it’s time she knew you were safe.”
Phebe swallowed, then forced a smile. “At least you will sleep once again. I have noticed that you have not gotten more than a couple of hours a night all week. Your bed, empty of me, will return peaceful slumber to you once again.”
“I don’t sleep much anyway, Red,” I said and felt the truth of that fact down to my bones.
“Another way you are like me,” she said. “Needing to sleep, but frightfully terrified at what awaits you in the darkness.”
“Something like that.”
“Yes,” was all she said, ending the conversation.
Phebe looked up at me, fucking stealing my damn breath. “I fluctuate between being far too hot and freezing cold. Right now I am struggling to remain warm.” She pointed at the fire. “I saw you out here and wondered if the fire would be of help.”
The fire was burning pretty strong, and as I stared at her face, the orange flames reflecting on her face, I found it hard to fucking look away. Clearing my throat, I said, “I heard that’s a thing. Not being able to regulate your body temperature for a while. The effects of the detox.”
Phebe gave me a watery smile. “I suspect so.” She leaned back against the seat, and her gaze became lost in the fire. I lit up a smoke and stared at the flames myself. It wasn’t long before I felt Phebe’s eyes on me. When I turned and caught her, her blue eyes were fucking studying me, like they were dissecting every part of my face.
“What?” I asked.
“You act differently with them.”
I furrowed my brow. “Who?”
“Your two friends. The ones who were out here with you tonight.”
“You were watching us?” I asked. Her cheeks blazed with embarrassment.
“I needed a drink of water and some fresh air. But when I saw them out here with you, I waited until they left. I . . . I am not ready to see anyone . . . anyone but you.” Her lips curled up at the corners as she said that shit, and Christ if my chest didn’t tighten some. That is, until she leaned my way, her face so fucking close to mine. “You laughed and you joked. You were silly and playful.” I went to laugh, telling her that’s who I really was, but the bitch wasn’t laughing. She wasn’t even smiling anymore. “You wear a mask, AK.” Her head tipped to the side as my heart slammed against my ribcage and didn’t let up. “You laughed and you joked, but your eyes . . .” Phebe reached out and ran her fingers around my eyes. “Your eyes remained haunted. Seeing something in the world that your mirth can not dissolve.”
I froze, fucking stock-still. Phebe ducked her eyes, then sat back in her seat and stared at the fire. “I watched you, wondering why you portray yourself as two people. Then I believe I found the answer—because you wish to find happiness in the shoes you fill now.” She turned to me and fucking seared me with her blue eyes. “Not the shoes you once wore. The ones that caused you pain, blistering both your feet and heart . . . for good.”
“Yeah?” I answered, my traitorous voice fucking cut open by her accuracy. “How do you know?”
“Because only someone who has walked in similar shoes, who has walked that familiar path, can see it.” Phebe bent up her knees and ran her hands over her feet. They were still cut and marked from the ghost town. “These scars will fade, yet they will never leave. Just like you, AK. The playful attitude you find in the company of your friends will endure, but your eyes will forever bare your soul to one who truly recognizes it.”
“What do you recognize in my eyes?” I asked, my fucking blood draining from my face. My damn palms started sweating, and my fingers shook, the ash from my smoke falling onto my jeans.
“Someone searching for grace.” Phebe laughed a laugh that held not one bit of humor. “Strangers to our kind of pain, people who have yet to be thrown onto the same rocky road, will not recognize you as a fellow traveler, desperately seeking what lies at the end of the path.” She took a deep breath. “Forgiveness. But those of us who have already been walking the road for miles will see you. We will see within you a kindred spirit.”
She didn’t push me. She didn’t ask what I might be hiding. No, she just ripped open my fucking chest, bared my soul, then left it out on display for her ocean-blue eyes to see.
Phebe’s arms came out of the blanket and she held out her palms toward the fire. I saw her eyes go to her arms, then she huffed out a single laugh. “My freckles. My millions of freckles stand out against my pale skin like neon lights in this fire’s glow.” She shrugged. “I always disliked them.” She placed her hand on her face. “Especially the ones on my face. I felt they muddied my looks. Made me stand out from the crowd.”
They fucking did. She stood out a fucking mile. But not in a bad way. After having her in my cabin for a week, I was pretty sure she was the most stunning bitch I ever saw.
I looked up at the night sky, then back to Phebe. “Look up.” Phebe snapped her eyes to me. “Look up at the sky,” I said again. She did. I watched as a fucking huge smile came onto her lips.
“There are so many stars,” she whispered.
“Imagine the sky without them.”
Phebe looked at me in confusion. “Why would I do that? They make the sky so pretty. They are the reason people stargaze. To see their beauty.”
“Think of your face like the sky. The freckles, the stars, only make the sight more worth looking at.”
Phebe’s eyes widened, so much so that her lashes practically pressed against her eyebrows. She blinked, she fucking silently blinked, making me feel like a fucking moron. Then her eyes shimmered. “Thank you,” she whispered, like she’d never received a compliment in her life.
But it was true. I couldn’t imagine that fucking beautiful face without her freckles any more than I could imagine the night sky without the stars.
“AK?” she asked minutes later.
“Mm?”
“I am to leave you tomorrow?”
My stomach flipped. Fucking rolled at the thought of her gone and not in my bed. “Yeah. You need to see your sister again. Didn’t wanna bring her here when you were like you were. Now you’re better, it’s time she knew you were safe.”
Phebe swallowed, then forced a smile. “At least you will sleep once again. I have noticed that you have not gotten more than a couple of hours a night all week. Your bed, empty of me, will return peaceful slumber to you once again.”
“I don’t sleep much anyway, Red,” I said and felt the truth of that fact down to my bones.
“Another way you are like me,” she said. “Needing to sleep, but frightfully terrified at what awaits you in the darkness.”
“Something like that.”
“Yes,” was all she said, ending the conversation.
