Damnable Grace
Page 88
Maddie stepped closer until she was up against my body. Her hand came onto my chest. “Flame, you have been there. You have lived this life. Which means you have been in this position.” She paused. “What happened to you? How did you cope with it?”
“AK,” I said, thinking back to my first kill. It was a Diablo. We had been on a run when we were attacked. I stabbed the fucker right in the heart. I stabbed him and watched him die. “AK sat me down, gave me a whiskey and told me I would never feel that way again. Feel bad at taking life. That it would get easier.”
“And did it work?”
“I didn’t feel bad in the first place,” I said and watched Maddie freeze, then nod her head. “I liked it. It made the flames in my blood not burn so bright.”
Maddie reached up and brought my head down to hers. She kissed my mouth. Then she took my hand. “But Asher is not like you, Flame. I can see from here that he feels this moment heavily in his heart. I think he is in shock. He keeps staring at his hands.” Maddie kissed my fingers. Bumps broke out on my skin. “He needs you, Flame. He needs his brother.”
My heart started beating too fast. “I don’t know what to say. I’m shit with this stuff. I’ll just wait until Phebe is better and AK is back. He’ll talk to him.”
“He does not want AK,” Maddie said and put my hand over her heart. “He wants you. He only ever wants you.” Maddie smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. It was sad. I didn’t like her being sad. “Asher came straight here, Flame. About an hour ago, when you were still at the clubhouse. Here, Flame. Not Viking’s. He did not pine for AK. He came to our home. For you. His brother.” A tear ran down Maddie’s cheek. “He came where he felt safe. You made him feel safe.”
I wiped the tear from her eye and felt my stomach tighten. I held out my hand. “I put my hand on his shoulder.”
Maddie gasped. “When?”
“Afterwards. He was being weird. I put my hand on his shoulder, then I rode next to him all the way home.”
Maddie’s bottom lip shook. “You protected him. Looked after him.”
“Did I?” I furrowed my brow. “I made sure he got home. Made sure he rode AK’s bike straight. His hands were shaking bad.”
Maddie smiled as she cried. And this one was a good smile. “He needs you, Flame.” Maddie hugged me again, and I kissed the top of her head. “You see this?” she asked. “This embrace?”
I held her close, confused. “Yeah.”
“Asher may need one too.”
I fucking froze, every muscle in my body tight. “I can’t.”
“You can,” she said, then looked up. I looked down into her green eyes. “Like me, he loves you. And you love him. He is safe for you. He may need to know that he is loved right now. A hug will give him comfort.”
“Maddie . . .”
Maddie pulled back and walked to a cupboard. She took out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. She poured two glasses—just like AK had done for me years ago. She brought them to me. “You remember what AK said to you?” I nodded. I remembered every word. “Then take one of these to Asher and tell him the same. It will help him. I promise.” I took the glasses from Maddie. “I will be waiting for you in our bedroom.”
“Maddie . . .” I said again, not sure I could do it.
“I love you.” She went into the bedroom, leaving me alone with Ash.
The whiskey in the glasses sloshed from side to side. I frowned, seeing my hands were shaking. You remember what AK said to you? I thought of Maddie’s words then walked toward my brother.
He didn’t lift his head until I sat on the couch beside him. I looked into the fire too. Nothing to see but burnt ashes. Clenching my jaw, I thrust out my hand in Ash’s direction. “Here,” I said, holding out a glass of whiskey.
Ash didn’t do shit for ages, but then he took the glass from my hand. His fingers touched mine. They were ice cold. They were shaking.
I heard his breathing. It was weird, stuttered and low. I glanced to the side and saw his head was down. He held the whiskey in his hands, not drinking. “Drink,” I said. Ash looked up. His cheeks were pale as fuck, and his fucking eyes were wet. Tears were running down his face. My gut twisted. I didn’t know why. I pointed at the whiskey again. “Drink.”
He didn’t. Just sat there, looking at me with tears running down his face.
I knew I’d be shit at this. I told Maddie I couldn’t do it.
You remember what AK said to you?
I closed my eyes and remembered AK that day. I remembered what he did, like Maddie said. I just had to tell Ash what AK told me.
AK had started by putting his hand on my shoulder. Opening my eyes, I looked down at my hand. I clenched my fingers in a fist. I could do this. I could touch Ash.
I had to.
Reaching out my hand, fighting the urge to pull it back, I put it on Ash’s shoulder. It felt fucking weird. I wanted to pull back, but I imagined Maddie’s green eyes. Imagined her smile as I did it. Ash swallowed and met my eyes. I wanted to look away, but I fought the need and repeated—word for word—what AK had said to me. “Come on, Ash. You need a drink.”
Ash’s mouth was open a little, and he looked at my hand on his shoulder out of the corner of his eye. I didn’t think he was gonna do shit, but then he brought the whiskey to his mouth and took a sip.
“All of it.” I downed my own. The liquor burned my throat. But it made things better.
Ash finished his too, then wiped his cheeks with his forearm.
“It gets easier,” I said, saying AK’s words to Ash in exactly the same way he’d said them to me. “From this moment on, it becomes second nature and don’t bother you as much. I promise.”
Ash blinked, blinked again. “I just keep picturing his face as he stared up at me from the ground.” My teeth gritted together. “He had brown eyes. I keep seeing his fucking brown eyes, Flame.”
“He was scum. He deserved to die. And you saved AK.” A weird pain pulled in my chest at the thought of AK being killed. I didn’t like it. I didn’t fucking like it.
Ash held out his hands in front of him. “I keep thinking I see blood on my hands. I keep washing them, but I still see blood sometimes.”
I had fuck all to say to that. AK hadn’t said anything else to me that night years ago. Then Ash looked at me again, and his face screwed up. He was crying. Fuck, he was crying. I tightened my hand on his shoulder, but he just cried more.
“AK,” I said, thinking back to my first kill. It was a Diablo. We had been on a run when we were attacked. I stabbed the fucker right in the heart. I stabbed him and watched him die. “AK sat me down, gave me a whiskey and told me I would never feel that way again. Feel bad at taking life. That it would get easier.”
“And did it work?”
“I didn’t feel bad in the first place,” I said and watched Maddie freeze, then nod her head. “I liked it. It made the flames in my blood not burn so bright.”
Maddie reached up and brought my head down to hers. She kissed my mouth. Then she took my hand. “But Asher is not like you, Flame. I can see from here that he feels this moment heavily in his heart. I think he is in shock. He keeps staring at his hands.” Maddie kissed my fingers. Bumps broke out on my skin. “He needs you, Flame. He needs his brother.”
My heart started beating too fast. “I don’t know what to say. I’m shit with this stuff. I’ll just wait until Phebe is better and AK is back. He’ll talk to him.”
“He does not want AK,” Maddie said and put my hand over her heart. “He wants you. He only ever wants you.” Maddie smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. It was sad. I didn’t like her being sad. “Asher came straight here, Flame. About an hour ago, when you were still at the clubhouse. Here, Flame. Not Viking’s. He did not pine for AK. He came to our home. For you. His brother.” A tear ran down Maddie’s cheek. “He came where he felt safe. You made him feel safe.”
I wiped the tear from her eye and felt my stomach tighten. I held out my hand. “I put my hand on his shoulder.”
Maddie gasped. “When?”
“Afterwards. He was being weird. I put my hand on his shoulder, then I rode next to him all the way home.”
Maddie’s bottom lip shook. “You protected him. Looked after him.”
“Did I?” I furrowed my brow. “I made sure he got home. Made sure he rode AK’s bike straight. His hands were shaking bad.”
Maddie smiled as she cried. And this one was a good smile. “He needs you, Flame.” Maddie hugged me again, and I kissed the top of her head. “You see this?” she asked. “This embrace?”
I held her close, confused. “Yeah.”
“Asher may need one too.”
I fucking froze, every muscle in my body tight. “I can’t.”
“You can,” she said, then looked up. I looked down into her green eyes. “Like me, he loves you. And you love him. He is safe for you. He may need to know that he is loved right now. A hug will give him comfort.”
“Maddie . . .”
Maddie pulled back and walked to a cupboard. She took out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. She poured two glasses—just like AK had done for me years ago. She brought them to me. “You remember what AK said to you?” I nodded. I remembered every word. “Then take one of these to Asher and tell him the same. It will help him. I promise.” I took the glasses from Maddie. “I will be waiting for you in our bedroom.”
“Maddie . . .” I said again, not sure I could do it.
“I love you.” She went into the bedroom, leaving me alone with Ash.
The whiskey in the glasses sloshed from side to side. I frowned, seeing my hands were shaking. You remember what AK said to you? I thought of Maddie’s words then walked toward my brother.
He didn’t lift his head until I sat on the couch beside him. I looked into the fire too. Nothing to see but burnt ashes. Clenching my jaw, I thrust out my hand in Ash’s direction. “Here,” I said, holding out a glass of whiskey.
Ash didn’t do shit for ages, but then he took the glass from my hand. His fingers touched mine. They were ice cold. They were shaking.
I heard his breathing. It was weird, stuttered and low. I glanced to the side and saw his head was down. He held the whiskey in his hands, not drinking. “Drink,” I said. Ash looked up. His cheeks were pale as fuck, and his fucking eyes were wet. Tears were running down his face. My gut twisted. I didn’t know why. I pointed at the whiskey again. “Drink.”
He didn’t. Just sat there, looking at me with tears running down his face.
I knew I’d be shit at this. I told Maddie I couldn’t do it.
You remember what AK said to you?
I closed my eyes and remembered AK that day. I remembered what he did, like Maddie said. I just had to tell Ash what AK told me.
AK had started by putting his hand on my shoulder. Opening my eyes, I looked down at my hand. I clenched my fingers in a fist. I could do this. I could touch Ash.
I had to.
Reaching out my hand, fighting the urge to pull it back, I put it on Ash’s shoulder. It felt fucking weird. I wanted to pull back, but I imagined Maddie’s green eyes. Imagined her smile as I did it. Ash swallowed and met my eyes. I wanted to look away, but I fought the need and repeated—word for word—what AK had said to me. “Come on, Ash. You need a drink.”
Ash’s mouth was open a little, and he looked at my hand on his shoulder out of the corner of his eye. I didn’t think he was gonna do shit, but then he brought the whiskey to his mouth and took a sip.
“All of it.” I downed my own. The liquor burned my throat. But it made things better.
Ash finished his too, then wiped his cheeks with his forearm.
“It gets easier,” I said, saying AK’s words to Ash in exactly the same way he’d said them to me. “From this moment on, it becomes second nature and don’t bother you as much. I promise.”
Ash blinked, blinked again. “I just keep picturing his face as he stared up at me from the ground.” My teeth gritted together. “He had brown eyes. I keep seeing his fucking brown eyes, Flame.”
“He was scum. He deserved to die. And you saved AK.” A weird pain pulled in my chest at the thought of AK being killed. I didn’t like it. I didn’t fucking like it.
Ash held out his hands in front of him. “I keep thinking I see blood on my hands. I keep washing them, but I still see blood sometimes.”
I had fuck all to say to that. AK hadn’t said anything else to me that night years ago. Then Ash looked at me again, and his face screwed up. He was crying. Fuck, he was crying. I tightened my hand on his shoulder, but he just cried more.
