Damnable Grace
Page 89
Panic surged through me. I looked at our bedroom door, but it was shut. I had to get Maddie. She’d know what to do. But then Ash’s head fell forward. I didn’t like how he looked. It made my heart hurt.
I heard Maddie’s words in my head. Like me, he loves you. And you love him. He is safe for you. He may need to know that he is loved right now. A hug will give him comfort . . .
I stared at my hand on his shoulder. Everything in me told me to push him away. But when I saw his shoulders fucking shaking, I couldn’t. I took a long fucking deep breath and yanked him to my side. I put my arm around his shoulders and brought him into my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed through my nostrils, trying to fucking calm down. Ash stopped making a sound. I opened my eyes, thinking he would say something to me. That he would look at me and make me push him away. But he didn’t. Instead he gripped onto my cut and cried some more.
I stared at the ashes in the fire, just working on keeping my shit together. He was touching me. He was touching me. He’s good, I told myself in my head. He’s your fucking brother.
Ash stayed that way for ten minutes. I counted the minutes in my head in seconds. Eventually he let go of my cut and lifted his head. His face was red and blotchy. He ducked his eyes from me when I looked at him. Staring across the room, I asked, “You okay now?”
“Yeah,” he rasped then cleared his throat. “Thanks, Flame.”
I nodded my head. Something fucking weird burst in my chest. It was warm. It didn’t know what it was.
“Sorry for being a fucking pussy,” he said.
“Not a pussy,” I said. “You killed. You’re a Hangman. You’ll kill again. I don’t feel it, but AK told me most people freak out. You’ve freaked out. It’s done. Won’t happen again.”
“Yeah.”
It got quiet. Real quiet. I didn’t know what else to say, but Ash spoke first. “Sorry I came here. I just wasn’t thinking, and the next thing I knew I was at your door.” His face was bright red. “I’ll leave soon. Go to Slash or Vike. AK has a full house again.”
I didn’t like the fact that he’d be going to Slash or Vike. “You like it in this house?” I asked.
Ash looked up; I saw it in my peripheral vision. “I love it,” he said quietly. “I like being with you and Madds.”
“Stay here tonight.” I got up from the couch. I couldn’t take all this talking shit anymore.
“Really?”
I nodded. “Madds never changed the back room. It’s yours.”
“Thanks, Flame,” Ash said. I was almost at the bedroom door when I looked back. Ash was on the couch. I glanced at the back room where he would be staying tonight. I thought about him being there every day. And I . . . liked it.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said, “You wanna live here?”
Ash never said shit in response. I opened my eyes, about to just leave him the fuck alone. Ash was on his feet, looking at me from the other side of the couch. “You mean it?” he asked. “You want me to move in?”
“You got a room. You should use it.”
“Yeah.” He smiled. My jaw clenched.
“Don’t tell AK yet. Wait ’til all this shit with Phebe is done. He might take you leaving bad.”
“Okay,” Ash said.
I nodded and turned the knob on my bedroom door. I needed to get away now. My head was too full.
“Flame?” Ash called, making me stop. I didn’t look back. “Thank you.” He was speaking real fucking quiet. “For everything. I . . .” I heard him take a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna like living here.”
I nodded again. I had no words.
I pushed through the door and slammed it shut. Maddie stood by the bed, waiting. She was fucking crying too. “What?” I jumped forward. “Why are you crying?”
“I love you, Flame,” she said, taking my hands.
I frowned. “I don’t understand. Why are you crying?”
“I heard you speak to him.” She smiled. “And I heard you ask him to live with us.”
“You told me before that I should think about it. I have. I asked him to move in. He said yes.”
Maddie threw her arms around my waist. “I am so proud of you, Flame,” she whispered, and I felt my chest get tight again. “Just when I believe I could not love you even more, you go and prove me wrong.”
“I love you too,” I said and kissed her head. Then I froze. Every fucking part of me went still. My eyes were on the bed. Maddie had been drawing. Releasing her, I went to the bed and picked up the sketchpad. Ice filled me, and I looked up at Maddie for answers.
She shrugged. “It is not true yet. And I know that it may be a while before we are ready.” She came toward me, and I stared at the picture again. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening in my heart and my stomach, but I felt hot and cold. Fucking confused. “It is just something I wonder if we could have one day.” Maddie laid her head on my bicep. Her hand ran down the picture. I was there. She was too, and in her arms was a baby.
“I did not know if we could ever do it. But hearing you with Ash just now made me believe that, perhaps, one day, when we are stronger still, that we . . . could.”
“Maddie.” I looked down at her head on my arm. I swallowed and tried to imagine her like Mae was now, stomach growing. And I didn’t feel the flames heat up. In fact, they calmed.
Maddie lifted her head. She smiled. I kissed her mouth and said, “Maybe . . . one day.”
Then I kissed her again.
Still holding the picture in my hand.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Phebe
My eyes fluttered open at the feel of someone’s hand on my forehead. “Phebe?” a familiar voice said.
“Mm?” I murmured, not wanting to leave the woods. Yet the hand pulled me away. My soul yearned for that touch, for the heart of the person that soul belonged to. A magnet’s pull.
“Phebe,” he said again, and I opened my eyes. As the room came into view, I smiled. “AK,” I said and felt my heart fill with light.
“Yeah,” he said gruffly. “I need you to wake. You’ve been asleep for a couple of days now.” As his words sank into my bliss, I felt a darkness begin to puncture the light. My mind raced, showing me things I did not want to face . . . Meister dying under my hands, Grace screaming . . . and then . . . then Sapphira’s body in my arms, her hand growing limp in my own.
I heard Maddie’s words in my head. Like me, he loves you. And you love him. He is safe for you. He may need to know that he is loved right now. A hug will give him comfort . . .
I stared at my hand on his shoulder. Everything in me told me to push him away. But when I saw his shoulders fucking shaking, I couldn’t. I took a long fucking deep breath and yanked him to my side. I put my arm around his shoulders and brought him into my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed through my nostrils, trying to fucking calm down. Ash stopped making a sound. I opened my eyes, thinking he would say something to me. That he would look at me and make me push him away. But he didn’t. Instead he gripped onto my cut and cried some more.
I stared at the ashes in the fire, just working on keeping my shit together. He was touching me. He was touching me. He’s good, I told myself in my head. He’s your fucking brother.
Ash stayed that way for ten minutes. I counted the minutes in my head in seconds. Eventually he let go of my cut and lifted his head. His face was red and blotchy. He ducked his eyes from me when I looked at him. Staring across the room, I asked, “You okay now?”
“Yeah,” he rasped then cleared his throat. “Thanks, Flame.”
I nodded my head. Something fucking weird burst in my chest. It was warm. It didn’t know what it was.
“Sorry for being a fucking pussy,” he said.
“Not a pussy,” I said. “You killed. You’re a Hangman. You’ll kill again. I don’t feel it, but AK told me most people freak out. You’ve freaked out. It’s done. Won’t happen again.”
“Yeah.”
It got quiet. Real quiet. I didn’t know what else to say, but Ash spoke first. “Sorry I came here. I just wasn’t thinking, and the next thing I knew I was at your door.” His face was bright red. “I’ll leave soon. Go to Slash or Vike. AK has a full house again.”
I didn’t like the fact that he’d be going to Slash or Vike. “You like it in this house?” I asked.
Ash looked up; I saw it in my peripheral vision. “I love it,” he said quietly. “I like being with you and Madds.”
“Stay here tonight.” I got up from the couch. I couldn’t take all this talking shit anymore.
“Really?”
I nodded. “Madds never changed the back room. It’s yours.”
“Thanks, Flame,” Ash said. I was almost at the bedroom door when I looked back. Ash was on the couch. I glanced at the back room where he would be staying tonight. I thought about him being there every day. And I . . . liked it.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said, “You wanna live here?”
Ash never said shit in response. I opened my eyes, about to just leave him the fuck alone. Ash was on his feet, looking at me from the other side of the couch. “You mean it?” he asked. “You want me to move in?”
“You got a room. You should use it.”
“Yeah.” He smiled. My jaw clenched.
“Don’t tell AK yet. Wait ’til all this shit with Phebe is done. He might take you leaving bad.”
“Okay,” Ash said.
I nodded and turned the knob on my bedroom door. I needed to get away now. My head was too full.
“Flame?” Ash called, making me stop. I didn’t look back. “Thank you.” He was speaking real fucking quiet. “For everything. I . . .” I heard him take a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna like living here.”
I nodded again. I had no words.
I pushed through the door and slammed it shut. Maddie stood by the bed, waiting. She was fucking crying too. “What?” I jumped forward. “Why are you crying?”
“I love you, Flame,” she said, taking my hands.
I frowned. “I don’t understand. Why are you crying?”
“I heard you speak to him.” She smiled. “And I heard you ask him to live with us.”
“You told me before that I should think about it. I have. I asked him to move in. He said yes.”
Maddie threw her arms around my waist. “I am so proud of you, Flame,” she whispered, and I felt my chest get tight again. “Just when I believe I could not love you even more, you go and prove me wrong.”
“I love you too,” I said and kissed her head. Then I froze. Every fucking part of me went still. My eyes were on the bed. Maddie had been drawing. Releasing her, I went to the bed and picked up the sketchpad. Ice filled me, and I looked up at Maddie for answers.
She shrugged. “It is not true yet. And I know that it may be a while before we are ready.” She came toward me, and I stared at the picture again. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening in my heart and my stomach, but I felt hot and cold. Fucking confused. “It is just something I wonder if we could have one day.” Maddie laid her head on my bicep. Her hand ran down the picture. I was there. She was too, and in her arms was a baby.
“I did not know if we could ever do it. But hearing you with Ash just now made me believe that, perhaps, one day, when we are stronger still, that we . . . could.”
“Maddie.” I looked down at her head on my arm. I swallowed and tried to imagine her like Mae was now, stomach growing. And I didn’t feel the flames heat up. In fact, they calmed.
Maddie lifted her head. She smiled. I kissed her mouth and said, “Maybe . . . one day.”
Then I kissed her again.
Still holding the picture in my hand.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Phebe
My eyes fluttered open at the feel of someone’s hand on my forehead. “Phebe?” a familiar voice said.
“Mm?” I murmured, not wanting to leave the woods. Yet the hand pulled me away. My soul yearned for that touch, for the heart of the person that soul belonged to. A magnet’s pull.
“Phebe,” he said again, and I opened my eyes. As the room came into view, I smiled. “AK,” I said and felt my heart fill with light.
“Yeah,” he said gruffly. “I need you to wake. You’ve been asleep for a couple of days now.” As his words sank into my bliss, I felt a darkness begin to puncture the light. My mind raced, showing me things I did not want to face . . . Meister dying under my hands, Grace screaming . . . and then . . . then Sapphira’s body in my arms, her hand growing limp in my own.
