Desertion
Page 19
“Fine,” I nod, agreeing against my better judgment. If it means he’ll help us, I’ll do it one time. One time for Bell. I’m already fucking bending rules for the nurse. I can see myself getting in too deep. Getting messed up in the shit that comes with a woman like Bell. But does it stop me? Fuck no . After everything I’ve been through, I still don’t know when to fucking step back.
“Good.” His smile bleeds victory, but I don’t know why he’s so happy. Knowing my family, he won’t be smiling next week.
Eight BELL
“You look beautiful, Bell.” My dad’s deep voice stops me as I step into our kitchen.
“Thanks, Dad.” I walk to where he sits at the bench and kiss his tanned cheek. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tightly in one of his six-foot bear hugs. He smells of metal and oil from his day at work down on the docks. His company builds boats and services them. He doesn’t normally get dirty, but since we just survived yet another anniversary of Paige being missing, he spends more and more time away.
“You stink. Let me go.” I pull back but he doesn’t release me just yet.
“Just a bit longer,” he says, before finally letting me go. I flick his ear and move away from him before he pulls me back.
“I’ll get you for that, squirt.” A slow smile spreads across his face, one that doesn’t reach his blue eyes. It never reaches anymore. Long gone is the man who would embarrass me with bad jokes and laugh until he would cry at our displeasure. The man who would drive us to sleep overs and scare boys away with his over protectiveness. I’m so used to seeing this older, sadder man who sits before me, I wouldn’t recognize that man any more.
“Where are you going tonight, Bell?” Mom asks, breaking up the small amount of lightness my dad lets himself have.
“Just to the movies with Lissy.” I let my lie roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not going to the movies with Lissy, but a date with a biker. Jesse. It’s wrong to lie to my mother, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but there is no way on God’s green earth she would be okay with me going on a date. Even if I’m twenty-three years old. I know how ridiculous it sounds. Believe me, if I weren’t me, I would think it was crazy, but after everything we have been through, I’ve never wanted to disappoint her, or stress her out with the thought of me dating.
“What movie are you seeing?” My younger sister asks as she slides up to the counter, catching my lie. I should have known she would be watching me. Ava was only twelve years old when Paige went missing. Her attitude toward Mom’s straight rules and Dad’s inability to rein her in has never gone down well. Her emo, grunge look she’s currently sporting is a testament to her rebellious attitude.
“I’m not sure yet. Probably some chick flick.” I flash her my you-can’t-catch-me grin.
“Well, just make sure you’re back before midnight.” Mom looks up from the pot she’s stirring. She’s beautiful, even for fifty. In the last six years, she has aged a lot, but her beauty remains. Paige looked the most like her, her light brown hair and dark eyes striking enough to make you look twice. Even now, if I sit long enough, I can see Paige, catch a glimpse of her in my mother’s features. I wonder what it’s like for my mom to look in the mirror, or for Dad, who constantly looks at her, to see the daughter they lost, looking back at them.
“I’m not sure I’m going to make it home before then, Mom.” I keep my voice level, even though I’m freaking out on the inside. I don’t know why I just did that, but with all the lies I’ve been telling, I can’t keep up. I need to be honest.
“What do you mean you’re not sure?” I can hear the tremor in her voice, see the distress in her face, but I can’t let it deter me. I need to stay strong. Pushing it tonight, of all nights isn’t wise, especially with my date with Jesse on the line. I know she’s only going to worry, but I can’t stop hearing Lissy’s words in my head. I need to step up, step away from a past that is holding me back.
“I’m going to message you,” I say, picking up my keys ready to drop this on her and then escape.
“Isabella,” she calls me by my given name and I cringe. She only calls me Isabella when I go against her wishes.
“Mom—”
“No, Isabella. You know I will worry.” Her hands find the counter, bracing for support.
“Karen,” Dad speaks up, but I can see my mom’s panic starting to deepen.
“Don’t Karen me.” She looks up at my father, silently demanding he step in. I can hear it now.
Chris, don’t you dare make me out to be the bad guy. Say something.
I know I’m hurting her; even the thought of me not agreeing to a curfew has her panicked, but what she doesn’t understand is she’s hurting me. Keeping me prisoner in her fear, caged in her insecurities is only pushing me away. Everything she is trying to do, to keep me here, is only making me want to pull away.
“I’m going to be safe.” I tell her like every other time I leave the house.
“You know I worry, Bell.” She steps forward and takes me in her arms.
“I know, Mom, but I’m not sixteen. I’m not Paige.” I flinch when I say it but she needs to hear it. She needs to hear it from me.
“That’s not fair, Isabella.” She recoils like I’ve slapped her, and it’s almost like I have.
“Good.” His smile bleeds victory, but I don’t know why he’s so happy. Knowing my family, he won’t be smiling next week.
Eight BELL
“You look beautiful, Bell.” My dad’s deep voice stops me as I step into our kitchen.
“Thanks, Dad.” I walk to where he sits at the bench and kiss his tanned cheek. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tightly in one of his six-foot bear hugs. He smells of metal and oil from his day at work down on the docks. His company builds boats and services them. He doesn’t normally get dirty, but since we just survived yet another anniversary of Paige being missing, he spends more and more time away.
“You stink. Let me go.” I pull back but he doesn’t release me just yet.
“Just a bit longer,” he says, before finally letting me go. I flick his ear and move away from him before he pulls me back.
“I’ll get you for that, squirt.” A slow smile spreads across his face, one that doesn’t reach his blue eyes. It never reaches anymore. Long gone is the man who would embarrass me with bad jokes and laugh until he would cry at our displeasure. The man who would drive us to sleep overs and scare boys away with his over protectiveness. I’m so used to seeing this older, sadder man who sits before me, I wouldn’t recognize that man any more.
“Where are you going tonight, Bell?” Mom asks, breaking up the small amount of lightness my dad lets himself have.
“Just to the movies with Lissy.” I let my lie roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not going to the movies with Lissy, but a date with a biker. Jesse. It’s wrong to lie to my mother, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but there is no way on God’s green earth she would be okay with me going on a date. Even if I’m twenty-three years old. I know how ridiculous it sounds. Believe me, if I weren’t me, I would think it was crazy, but after everything we have been through, I’ve never wanted to disappoint her, or stress her out with the thought of me dating.
“What movie are you seeing?” My younger sister asks as she slides up to the counter, catching my lie. I should have known she would be watching me. Ava was only twelve years old when Paige went missing. Her attitude toward Mom’s straight rules and Dad’s inability to rein her in has never gone down well. Her emo, grunge look she’s currently sporting is a testament to her rebellious attitude.
“I’m not sure yet. Probably some chick flick.” I flash her my you-can’t-catch-me grin.
“Well, just make sure you’re back before midnight.” Mom looks up from the pot she’s stirring. She’s beautiful, even for fifty. In the last six years, she has aged a lot, but her beauty remains. Paige looked the most like her, her light brown hair and dark eyes striking enough to make you look twice. Even now, if I sit long enough, I can see Paige, catch a glimpse of her in my mother’s features. I wonder what it’s like for my mom to look in the mirror, or for Dad, who constantly looks at her, to see the daughter they lost, looking back at them.
“I’m not sure I’m going to make it home before then, Mom.” I keep my voice level, even though I’m freaking out on the inside. I don’t know why I just did that, but with all the lies I’ve been telling, I can’t keep up. I need to be honest.
“What do you mean you’re not sure?” I can hear the tremor in her voice, see the distress in her face, but I can’t let it deter me. I need to stay strong. Pushing it tonight, of all nights isn’t wise, especially with my date with Jesse on the line. I know she’s only going to worry, but I can’t stop hearing Lissy’s words in my head. I need to step up, step away from a past that is holding me back.
“I’m going to message you,” I say, picking up my keys ready to drop this on her and then escape.
“Isabella,” she calls me by my given name and I cringe. She only calls me Isabella when I go against her wishes.
“Mom—”
“No, Isabella. You know I will worry.” Her hands find the counter, bracing for support.
“Karen,” Dad speaks up, but I can see my mom’s panic starting to deepen.
“Don’t Karen me.” She looks up at my father, silently demanding he step in. I can hear it now.
Chris, don’t you dare make me out to be the bad guy. Say something.
I know I’m hurting her; even the thought of me not agreeing to a curfew has her panicked, but what she doesn’t understand is she’s hurting me. Keeping me prisoner in her fear, caged in her insecurities is only pushing me away. Everything she is trying to do, to keep me here, is only making me want to pull away.
“I’m going to be safe.” I tell her like every other time I leave the house.
“You know I worry, Bell.” She steps forward and takes me in her arms.
“I know, Mom, but I’m not sixteen. I’m not Paige.” I flinch when I say it but she needs to hear it. She needs to hear it from me.
“That’s not fair, Isabella.” She recoils like I’ve slapped her, and it’s almost like I have.
