Desertion
Page 33
“Take me then.” I hear myself say. Unsure if I’m ready for a one-time deal. But what choice do I have when he makes me want these things.
“Jesus, Bell, don’t say that. Don’t talk like that.” His brow deepens in frustration.
“Why? It’s what you want,” I argue, leaving out the part I want more. This is all I can have.
“You’re not one of those whores I pick up,” he snaps, but why I don’t understand. This is what he told me I could have. What he can give. Maybe I should just give in to it.
“I know I’m not, Jesse. But why can’t I have what they get? Why are you punishing me when it’s what you want?”
“Because you deserve more,” he says, and it starts to make sense.
“I do, but I get to choose what I deserve, Jesse. I get to choose who I let in. Why would you deny me?”
“No, Bell.” He shakes his head, and it pisses me off.
“What’s wrong with me? My boobs not big enough? I don’t wear your preferred shade of blonde in my hair?” I remember the woman he put on the back of his bike the night we were at Liquid.
“Fuck no!”
“Then what?” Those two words feel dirty because I know that they mean I’m experiencing myself slip for the first time into someone desperate.
“Because, Bell, I’m not what you need.”
“Bullshit,” I scoff, annoyed when I feel like I’m practically begging. Rejection stings, especially coming from a man like Jesse.
“Just drop it. Get on the bike.”
“Fine, screw you,” I curse and feel dirty for it. Tears threaten to spill, but I refuse to give in to them.
“Bell,” he sighs but I don’t want his pity. I’ve lived in pity for the last six years. I don’t need anymore.
“It’s fine, Jesse. I get it.” I turn my back, not letting him see how much I really want this. Want him.
“I don’t think you do,” he whispers and I turn back at the softness in his answer.
“You’re right. I don’t. I’m practically throwing myself at you, after you’ve worked your way into my life, and now I’m giving you permission to take me, but you don’t want me. I caved too quickly, is that it?”
“Jesus, you’re clueless.” He shakes his head.
“I’m clueless? You want to fuck me right here.” I smack the bike seat. “I’m telling you to take me, but you won’t, and I’m clueless?”
“Yes, because if I take you right here, Bell, I don’t know if I will be able to walk away.” My heart skips a beat.
“And this worries you why?” I know he wants more, but is only denying himself, and me.
“I have to walk away, Bell. It’s the only way I can do it.”
“Why, Jesse? Why is it so important?”
“Because I don’t deserve more.” He drops his head, and the man I’ve grown to know and care about is so lost, no one can see it. He’s perfected this happy-go-lucky attitude, but standing here now, I can see how it’s all a lie. He’s absent, and dare I say broken, I wonder if he knows he’s slipping. “I don’t deserve what a promise like you offers. Even if after one time, if I could walk way, once would be too much.”
“Jesse,” I sigh, not even sure where to begin. What the hell happened to this man?
“You think I don’t want you? It’s not true, I think I want you too much, and that would never end well. I’m doing this for you. I’m saving you, Bell.” I take everything he’s saying. He wants me too much?
“Okay, Jesse.” I try for a cool smile, but I know he can see the difference.
“You understand then?” he asks.
“Yeah, I do understand. I never knew what a coward looked like until this very moment.” The insult rolls off my tongue and if I had the ability to shove it back down my throat, I would.
“Coward?” His tone changes and his eyes darken against the night.
“Yeah, I get it. You live in disappointment so much you’ve forgotten to let go. You’re scared. I’ve been the same, but the difference between you and me, I can see why I push people away, but I don’t want to be stuck anymore. You come into my life. You make me want things differently and then you start to freak out, you pull away. I get it.”
I watch his jaw tick at my words, and I know I’m pushing for a reaction. I’ve seen Jesse in many ways, but pissed off is not one. I know I’m being hard on him, giving it to him straight, but the ugliness of rejection is spurring me on.
“You don’t know me.” He steps forward into my space. The tick in his jaw starts to beat in time with my pulse.
“I know more than you think,” I counter.
“You want me to fuck you on the side of the road like a whore?” He hooks his finger in my belt loop and pulls me to him. A breath I had been holding escapes my lips before he continues. “For me to peel these jeans down your legs, bend you over and pound into you, like an easy fuck?” he seethes while his finger slides along the top of my jeans, flicking the button open. I want to pull away, slap him for degrading what I want, but it’s like my throat has closed up. “Want me to spank your ass while your pussy milks my cock, Bell? Is this what you want? For me to fuck you like the last whore I had on the back of my bike?” His hand slides into my panties over my bare lips and finds my wetness.
“Jesus, Bell, don’t say that. Don’t talk like that.” His brow deepens in frustration.
“Why? It’s what you want,” I argue, leaving out the part I want more. This is all I can have.
“You’re not one of those whores I pick up,” he snaps, but why I don’t understand. This is what he told me I could have. What he can give. Maybe I should just give in to it.
“I know I’m not, Jesse. But why can’t I have what they get? Why are you punishing me when it’s what you want?”
“Because you deserve more,” he says, and it starts to make sense.
“I do, but I get to choose what I deserve, Jesse. I get to choose who I let in. Why would you deny me?”
“No, Bell.” He shakes his head, and it pisses me off.
“What’s wrong with me? My boobs not big enough? I don’t wear your preferred shade of blonde in my hair?” I remember the woman he put on the back of his bike the night we were at Liquid.
“Fuck no!”
“Then what?” Those two words feel dirty because I know that they mean I’m experiencing myself slip for the first time into someone desperate.
“Because, Bell, I’m not what you need.”
“Bullshit,” I scoff, annoyed when I feel like I’m practically begging. Rejection stings, especially coming from a man like Jesse.
“Just drop it. Get on the bike.”
“Fine, screw you,” I curse and feel dirty for it. Tears threaten to spill, but I refuse to give in to them.
“Bell,” he sighs but I don’t want his pity. I’ve lived in pity for the last six years. I don’t need anymore.
“It’s fine, Jesse. I get it.” I turn my back, not letting him see how much I really want this. Want him.
“I don’t think you do,” he whispers and I turn back at the softness in his answer.
“You’re right. I don’t. I’m practically throwing myself at you, after you’ve worked your way into my life, and now I’m giving you permission to take me, but you don’t want me. I caved too quickly, is that it?”
“Jesus, you’re clueless.” He shakes his head.
“I’m clueless? You want to fuck me right here.” I smack the bike seat. “I’m telling you to take me, but you won’t, and I’m clueless?”
“Yes, because if I take you right here, Bell, I don’t know if I will be able to walk away.” My heart skips a beat.
“And this worries you why?” I know he wants more, but is only denying himself, and me.
“I have to walk away, Bell. It’s the only way I can do it.”
“Why, Jesse? Why is it so important?”
“Because I don’t deserve more.” He drops his head, and the man I’ve grown to know and care about is so lost, no one can see it. He’s perfected this happy-go-lucky attitude, but standing here now, I can see how it’s all a lie. He’s absent, and dare I say broken, I wonder if he knows he’s slipping. “I don’t deserve what a promise like you offers. Even if after one time, if I could walk way, once would be too much.”
“Jesse,” I sigh, not even sure where to begin. What the hell happened to this man?
“You think I don’t want you? It’s not true, I think I want you too much, and that would never end well. I’m doing this for you. I’m saving you, Bell.” I take everything he’s saying. He wants me too much?
“Okay, Jesse.” I try for a cool smile, but I know he can see the difference.
“You understand then?” he asks.
“Yeah, I do understand. I never knew what a coward looked like until this very moment.” The insult rolls off my tongue and if I had the ability to shove it back down my throat, I would.
“Coward?” His tone changes and his eyes darken against the night.
“Yeah, I get it. You live in disappointment so much you’ve forgotten to let go. You’re scared. I’ve been the same, but the difference between you and me, I can see why I push people away, but I don’t want to be stuck anymore. You come into my life. You make me want things differently and then you start to freak out, you pull away. I get it.”
I watch his jaw tick at my words, and I know I’m pushing for a reaction. I’ve seen Jesse in many ways, but pissed off is not one. I know I’m being hard on him, giving it to him straight, but the ugliness of rejection is spurring me on.
“You don’t know me.” He steps forward into my space. The tick in his jaw starts to beat in time with my pulse.
“I know more than you think,” I counter.
“You want me to fuck you on the side of the road like a whore?” He hooks his finger in my belt loop and pulls me to him. A breath I had been holding escapes my lips before he continues. “For me to peel these jeans down your legs, bend you over and pound into you, like an easy fuck?” he seethes while his finger slides along the top of my jeans, flicking the button open. I want to pull away, slap him for degrading what I want, but it’s like my throat has closed up. “Want me to spank your ass while your pussy milks my cock, Bell? Is this what you want? For me to fuck you like the last whore I had on the back of my bike?” His hand slides into my panties over my bare lips and finds my wetness.
