Desertion
Page 69
“Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” I ask, unsure why she never said anything. All this sneaking around, was for nothing?
“I don’t know. Maybe to hold on to you a little bit longer.” She sighs then takes my hand. “Bell, listen, I know I haven’t been the best mother I could be—”
“Mom, no—”
“Just listen to me, baby. I haven’t been the best mom, you and I both know it. I’ve tried really hard to be the mom you need. Sometimes I wondered why God was testing me when we lost Paige, and the last thing I needed was to lose you too. But that was selfish of me. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“Mom, I get it.”
“How could you, baby? How could you possibly understand that I look at you, Bell, and I see myself? Always wanting to please everyone…and that makes me a bad mother for allowing it. I know when I look at you, I haven't allowed you to be the person you wanted to be. I held on. You deserve more than that.” She stops a moment to gather herself. “Do you know how proud of you I am?” She takes my face and a lone tear rolls down my cheek at hearing those words. “Another thing I have failed to tell you.” She shakes her head. “You amaze me, Bell, every day. Part of me holding on to you was because you kept me grounded. You reminded me of the person I was before Paige went missing.”
“No, Mom, don’t you see, it’s you who is amazing? I never blamed you. You’re so strong and brave. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have been honest.” I stand and snatch some tissues off my nightstand and hand her one.
“Thanks." She sniffs and wipes her eyes. “Look at us.” She laughs while we get ourselves together.
“I think it’s been a long time coming,” I reply, wiping my own eyes. She doesn’t reply, but I don’t miss the regret etched into her features.
“So, is it serious? This man?”
“No.” I shrug, unable to tell her what Jesse and I are when I don’t even know. It’s like I’m waiting for him to force me out, or let me in.
“It’s serious for you. I see it in your eyes. What’s his name?”
“Jesse.” I confess, not ready to tell her everything just yet.
“I’m happy for you, baby.” She pulls me into her arms, and for the first time in years, I let my mother comfort me. In the past, any sort of comfort between us has always been me reaching out to her, but today it’s different. It’s real.
“I love you, Bell,”
“I love you, too, Mom.” I pull back and wipe my eyes once again.
“What’s going on in here?” Ava interrupts our crying session.
“Bell has a date.” Mom lights up and shocks me with her excitement.
“So you told her about hot biker boy?”
“He has a bike?” Mom stands and a new level of stress moves over her face.
“Mom, relax. It’s not a big deal.” I tug her back down beside me before she has a panic attack. I look at my sister and give her a look that says thanks a lot .
“Oh, I’m fine. I’m worried for you when your father finds out…” she trails off and the room falls silent before my sister laughs, setting Mom off and subsequently me.
“This isn’t even funny,” I say finally after my mom stops laughing.
“You’re right.” She leans in and kisses my cheek. “Bell, you deserve to be happy. I’m glad you’re getting there.” She nods then gets up. “I’ll just leave it to you to tell your dad about the bike.” I let her parting remark sink in while listening to her and my sister laugh their way down the stairs.
What the hell just happened?
I turn and look in the mirror. My eyes are smudged from crying.
Damn it.
Fixing myself up, I reach for my phone and type out a message.
ME: Change of plans. Pick me up?
I set my phone back down and look at it, as if willing Jesse to reply instantly. My finger taps on my wooden dressing table.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
My rhythm picks up, matching my heartbeat.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
The phone beeps two minutes later, jostling me out of my stare.
JESSE: On my way.
I can’t control the smile as it grows on my face. Placing my phone down, I finish getting ready, as an enormous sense of peace cleanses me of worry and doubt.
I know it’s not a huge or a life-changing step, but to me, it’s something.
Either way, I’m moving forward. I just hope Jesse allows himself too.
Twenty-Seven JESSE
“Then, he just drops his jeans, stands there butt naked, and starts swinging it around.” Holly’s hand comes down on the table in front of her, holding herself while she erupts in laughter. At my expense.
“That’s not how I remember it,” I counter, looking to Bell and wanting her to know my side. Not that I think it’s going to help. Kadence, Holly and Kelly have been reliving tale after tale of the shit I’ve gotten myself into. None of them flattering.
It’s later that night and we’ve just finished dinner. Kadence and Nix just escaped upstairs, no doubt to fuck. They’ve been all over each other all night, something the club is excited to see. After the last few months of drama between them, Kadence dealing with her own shit, seeing them back to the way things were last year brings us all peace.
“You were drunk, and naked. How do you remember it?” Kelly raises her brows in challenge.
“I don’t know. Maybe to hold on to you a little bit longer.” She sighs then takes my hand. “Bell, listen, I know I haven’t been the best mother I could be—”
“Mom, no—”
“Just listen to me, baby. I haven’t been the best mom, you and I both know it. I’ve tried really hard to be the mom you need. Sometimes I wondered why God was testing me when we lost Paige, and the last thing I needed was to lose you too. But that was selfish of me. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“Mom, I get it.”
“How could you, baby? How could you possibly understand that I look at you, Bell, and I see myself? Always wanting to please everyone…and that makes me a bad mother for allowing it. I know when I look at you, I haven't allowed you to be the person you wanted to be. I held on. You deserve more than that.” She stops a moment to gather herself. “Do you know how proud of you I am?” She takes my face and a lone tear rolls down my cheek at hearing those words. “Another thing I have failed to tell you.” She shakes her head. “You amaze me, Bell, every day. Part of me holding on to you was because you kept me grounded. You reminded me of the person I was before Paige went missing.”
“No, Mom, don’t you see, it’s you who is amazing? I never blamed you. You’re so strong and brave. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have been honest.” I stand and snatch some tissues off my nightstand and hand her one.
“Thanks." She sniffs and wipes her eyes. “Look at us.” She laughs while we get ourselves together.
“I think it’s been a long time coming,” I reply, wiping my own eyes. She doesn’t reply, but I don’t miss the regret etched into her features.
“So, is it serious? This man?”
“No.” I shrug, unable to tell her what Jesse and I are when I don’t even know. It’s like I’m waiting for him to force me out, or let me in.
“It’s serious for you. I see it in your eyes. What’s his name?”
“Jesse.” I confess, not ready to tell her everything just yet.
“I’m happy for you, baby.” She pulls me into her arms, and for the first time in years, I let my mother comfort me. In the past, any sort of comfort between us has always been me reaching out to her, but today it’s different. It’s real.
“I love you, Bell,”
“I love you, too, Mom.” I pull back and wipe my eyes once again.
“What’s going on in here?” Ava interrupts our crying session.
“Bell has a date.” Mom lights up and shocks me with her excitement.
“So you told her about hot biker boy?”
“He has a bike?” Mom stands and a new level of stress moves over her face.
“Mom, relax. It’s not a big deal.” I tug her back down beside me before she has a panic attack. I look at my sister and give her a look that says thanks a lot .
“Oh, I’m fine. I’m worried for you when your father finds out…” she trails off and the room falls silent before my sister laughs, setting Mom off and subsequently me.
“This isn’t even funny,” I say finally after my mom stops laughing.
“You’re right.” She leans in and kisses my cheek. “Bell, you deserve to be happy. I’m glad you’re getting there.” She nods then gets up. “I’ll just leave it to you to tell your dad about the bike.” I let her parting remark sink in while listening to her and my sister laugh their way down the stairs.
What the hell just happened?
I turn and look in the mirror. My eyes are smudged from crying.
Damn it.
Fixing myself up, I reach for my phone and type out a message.
ME: Change of plans. Pick me up?
I set my phone back down and look at it, as if willing Jesse to reply instantly. My finger taps on my wooden dressing table.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
My rhythm picks up, matching my heartbeat.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
The phone beeps two minutes later, jostling me out of my stare.
JESSE: On my way.
I can’t control the smile as it grows on my face. Placing my phone down, I finish getting ready, as an enormous sense of peace cleanses me of worry and doubt.
I know it’s not a huge or a life-changing step, but to me, it’s something.
Either way, I’m moving forward. I just hope Jesse allows himself too.
Twenty-Seven JESSE
“Then, he just drops his jeans, stands there butt naked, and starts swinging it around.” Holly’s hand comes down on the table in front of her, holding herself while she erupts in laughter. At my expense.
“That’s not how I remember it,” I counter, looking to Bell and wanting her to know my side. Not that I think it’s going to help. Kadence, Holly and Kelly have been reliving tale after tale of the shit I’ve gotten myself into. None of them flattering.
It’s later that night and we’ve just finished dinner. Kadence and Nix just escaped upstairs, no doubt to fuck. They’ve been all over each other all night, something the club is excited to see. After the last few months of drama between them, Kadence dealing with her own shit, seeing them back to the way things were last year brings us all peace.
“You were drunk, and naked. How do you remember it?” Kelly raises her brows in challenge.
