Desertion
Page 82
I stand in place, rooted to the ground, my stare on Bell. What the fuck is she still doing here? When I saw her at the clubhouse earlier, I nearly came undone. Fucking standing there all innocent and tempting. What I wanted to do was drag her by the hand back to my room and fuck her against the wall for coming back to me when I had warned her off. But then I saw my mark on her and I wanted to fucking kick my own ass. So instead of apologizing, I was an ass and shut her out, looked at her with disdain so she wouldn’t see through my need, or my fear.
Her fucking soft smile and compassion is what makes this whole thing worse. I don’t need her to tell me she’s sorry. I don’t need her to tell me all is going to be okay, because I already fucking know it is. He’s gone. He isn’t coming back and, to be honest, I’m relieved. Sure, that makes me an asshole, a fucked-up human being, but I don’t give a fuck. Maybe now after all these years, I can find my peace.
“Jesse?” Bell’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and I realize it’s just us left.
“What?” I bark and watch her recoil.
“You were talking to yourself,” she whispers and I shake my head.
“You shouldn’t have come, Bell.” I turn from her and start making my way down to my bike. I expect her to call out, tell me to pull my head out of my ass, but the words don’t come.
Good . I mount my ride and watch her standing there, looking between Holly and me. I’m not in the mood to fight her today. She can fuck right the fuck off.
“Take her home, Holly,” I order before starting my bike.
I don’t hear Holly’s reply. Revving my throttle, I pull back, saying goodbye to my dad with a bike he never accepted.
Rest in peace.
“What about you, baby? You wanna come back to the clubhouse?” I ask the blonde sitting on my lap later that afternoon. I have no idea who the fuck she is, or where she came from but I’m enjoying her company.
“Do you even have to ask?” she replies, wiggling her ass against me. I throw the rest of my drink back, and begin to move us out of there, until we’re interrupted.
“Jesse, I think it’s time you said goodbye to your friend.” Jay, my younger brother interrupts me before I can drag this bitch to the back of my bike.
“Jay? Where the fuck you been?” I look up at the big son of a bitch for the first time today.
“I’ve been here all day, asshole.” He folds his arms in front of him and I notice how much he’s changed in the last few years. Jesus, he’s not so little anymore.
“Jesus, Jay. Might want to lay off the ‘roids.” I joke, moving the blonde out of my lap and trying to stand.
“Sit the fuck down.” He pushes me back, the momentum causing me to stumble back down onto the blonde’s lap.
“Hey, watch it, fucker.” I hear myself slur as I move off her.
“Jesus, look at you.” He shakes his head in disgust and steps back. It throws me off for a second; memories of my father standing over me when I told him I was going to be a firefighter come flooding back. The night he bullied me into joining the Marines. It all rushes back to me.
Shaking my head, I push those thoughts back down and look up. “What? Just mourning Daddy. You know? Laying the asshole to rest.” I lean forward, snag another drink and raise it in a toast. “To our asshole father, may he rest in peace.” I throw my head back and finish it off.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough? We have family here.” Jay lowers his voice. His intention is to keep me calm, but it doesn’t work. I look around at all these people who’ve come back to my mom’s house to mourn a man who they really didn’t know. They’re all so fucking clueless.
“No, I’m only just getting started, little brother.” I nod to Hunter, signaling another drink.
“Don’t, Hunter,” Jay says, cutting me off way too early. I can still see my father’s face, hear his words. No way am I done.
“Oh, I see.” I straighten watching his reaction.
“You clearly don’t see anything, Jesse. You’re drunk, hurting, and if you don’t quit now, you’re gonna regret shit tomorrow.” He nods to the blonde bitch still sitting close to me.
“You know, I always knew you’d end up like him. Think you’re better than everyone. But you know what, Jay? You’re not. He was the one who was beneath me. So fuck him and fuck you too.” I stand, this time gaining my balance and stepping into his space. It’s not that I’m angry with Jay. He had the same childhood as I did, but this rage is building inside of me. And every time someone tries to calm me, it only fuels me.
“Jesus, you’re so fucking clueless. You say you never want to be like him, yet look at you now. Drunk. Just like him. You’re pathetic. Our mother shouldn’t have to see you like this. She just buried her husband, goddamn it.” He steps back, just like I knew he would. Pansy-ass fucker.
“Yeah, well fuck her too.” I push a little harder, wanting to rile him up. “When was the last time anyone else in this family pushed back? You’re all so used to keeping the peace you can’t even grow a fucking pair.”
“You’re hurting. I get it, but don’t disrespect our family like this,” His calm manner morphs into anger in a flash, as he steps back up, right into my space. That’s more like it.
“Fuck you, and fuck our family.” I decide in the moment to put my point across with a fist. He sees me coming, but before my fist connects with his face, he lays me out.
Her fucking soft smile and compassion is what makes this whole thing worse. I don’t need her to tell me she’s sorry. I don’t need her to tell me all is going to be okay, because I already fucking know it is. He’s gone. He isn’t coming back and, to be honest, I’m relieved. Sure, that makes me an asshole, a fucked-up human being, but I don’t give a fuck. Maybe now after all these years, I can find my peace.
“Jesse?” Bell’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and I realize it’s just us left.
“What?” I bark and watch her recoil.
“You were talking to yourself,” she whispers and I shake my head.
“You shouldn’t have come, Bell.” I turn from her and start making my way down to my bike. I expect her to call out, tell me to pull my head out of my ass, but the words don’t come.
Good . I mount my ride and watch her standing there, looking between Holly and me. I’m not in the mood to fight her today. She can fuck right the fuck off.
“Take her home, Holly,” I order before starting my bike.
I don’t hear Holly’s reply. Revving my throttle, I pull back, saying goodbye to my dad with a bike he never accepted.
Rest in peace.
“What about you, baby? You wanna come back to the clubhouse?” I ask the blonde sitting on my lap later that afternoon. I have no idea who the fuck she is, or where she came from but I’m enjoying her company.
“Do you even have to ask?” she replies, wiggling her ass against me. I throw the rest of my drink back, and begin to move us out of there, until we’re interrupted.
“Jesse, I think it’s time you said goodbye to your friend.” Jay, my younger brother interrupts me before I can drag this bitch to the back of my bike.
“Jay? Where the fuck you been?” I look up at the big son of a bitch for the first time today.
“I’ve been here all day, asshole.” He folds his arms in front of him and I notice how much he’s changed in the last few years. Jesus, he’s not so little anymore.
“Jesus, Jay. Might want to lay off the ‘roids.” I joke, moving the blonde out of my lap and trying to stand.
“Sit the fuck down.” He pushes me back, the momentum causing me to stumble back down onto the blonde’s lap.
“Hey, watch it, fucker.” I hear myself slur as I move off her.
“Jesus, look at you.” He shakes his head in disgust and steps back. It throws me off for a second; memories of my father standing over me when I told him I was going to be a firefighter come flooding back. The night he bullied me into joining the Marines. It all rushes back to me.
Shaking my head, I push those thoughts back down and look up. “What? Just mourning Daddy. You know? Laying the asshole to rest.” I lean forward, snag another drink and raise it in a toast. “To our asshole father, may he rest in peace.” I throw my head back and finish it off.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough? We have family here.” Jay lowers his voice. His intention is to keep me calm, but it doesn’t work. I look around at all these people who’ve come back to my mom’s house to mourn a man who they really didn’t know. They’re all so fucking clueless.
“No, I’m only just getting started, little brother.” I nod to Hunter, signaling another drink.
“Don’t, Hunter,” Jay says, cutting me off way too early. I can still see my father’s face, hear his words. No way am I done.
“Oh, I see.” I straighten watching his reaction.
“You clearly don’t see anything, Jesse. You’re drunk, hurting, and if you don’t quit now, you’re gonna regret shit tomorrow.” He nods to the blonde bitch still sitting close to me.
“You know, I always knew you’d end up like him. Think you’re better than everyone. But you know what, Jay? You’re not. He was the one who was beneath me. So fuck him and fuck you too.” I stand, this time gaining my balance and stepping into his space. It’s not that I’m angry with Jay. He had the same childhood as I did, but this rage is building inside of me. And every time someone tries to calm me, it only fuels me.
“Jesus, you’re so fucking clueless. You say you never want to be like him, yet look at you now. Drunk. Just like him. You’re pathetic. Our mother shouldn’t have to see you like this. She just buried her husband, goddamn it.” He steps back, just like I knew he would. Pansy-ass fucker.
“Yeah, well fuck her too.” I push a little harder, wanting to rile him up. “When was the last time anyone else in this family pushed back? You’re all so used to keeping the peace you can’t even grow a fucking pair.”
“You’re hurting. I get it, but don’t disrespect our family like this,” His calm manner morphs into anger in a flash, as he steps back up, right into my space. That’s more like it.
“Fuck you, and fuck our family.” I decide in the moment to put my point across with a fist. He sees me coming, but before my fist connects with his face, he lays me out.
