Desertion
Page 89
“Maybe it would be easier? Just walk away and let it be.” The coolness of her tone doesn’t sit well with me, but I have to remember I can’t demand her forgiveness.
“Bell, what do you need from me right now?” I know I might be opening myself up for rejection, but I can’t expect her to trust me when I can’t give her what she needs.
“I need time, Jesse. I need to feel safe, and I need you to fight for yourself, not for me.”
“I’ll give you time. I’ll fucking count the seconds, the minutes, the hours until I can prove you’ll be safe with me. But I’m fighting for both of us, baby.”
The silence rings loudly in my ear, reaching my heart and embedding itself into my soul. Her silence, my loneliness, all fuels me to fight. Fight like I never have before for the only person in my life worth fighting for.
This is a battle; this is a war of the hearts. Call me selfish, an asshole, a fucking prick… whatever, but Bell is going to experience firsthand what it looks and feels like to have a man fight for her. She might not believe it now, and she has every right not to, but I am going to get her back. Time was all I had.
She will see.
Thirty-Six BELL
JESSE: Thinking of you.
I pick up my phone as the daily text from Jesse comes through right on time. My thumb dances over the buttons, tempted to reply, but I don’t.
It’s been two weeks since Jesse called me. Two weeks of waking up every morning and seeing his name come up on my phone. Two weeks of him telling me he misses me. Two weeks of going to bed and reading his apologies. Two weeks of guilt.
I know I’m shutting him out, and maybe I’m not playing fair, but what else can I do? Pulling back from Jesse is the right thing to do.
“Bell, are you ready?” My mom’s question travels up the staircase and into my bedroom.
“Yep, give me five,” I shout back, placing my phone down and moving to finish packing the last box left. Even though the last few weeks have been hard, they’ve made me realize, Jesse was right. I let Paige and my need to find her stop me from moving forward. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to lose any more time, and when I finally realized that I made the decision to move out.
At first, Mom and Dad were shocked. So soon after Jesse and I breaking up, they voiced their concerns that I was reacting. And maybe I was, but deep down, we all knew it was the right thing to do. Deep down, we all knew it was coming.
It also allowed me keep my mind off things. Things like a hurting Jesse.
“You got the last box?” Dad asks from my door, breaking my thoughts.
“All done.” I stand and point to the last box.
“You better go check on your mom. She’s very close to losing it. Lissy isn’t helping.” He winks before bending to pick up the box. I roll my eyes picturing what my best friend could be filling my mother’s head with.
“Maybe she should stay. I can come back when I’ve settled in?” I begin to follow him out, not sure Mom is going to cope.
“No, give her this. It’s good for her,” he encourages as we head down the stairs and out to the truck that holds all my belongings.
“Okay, but beware of the tears,” I warn, watching him move toward the front door. I don’t follow; instead, I move to where Lissy and my mom are talking in the kitchen.
“All done,” I tell them, walking to the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. Mom is quiet, while Lissy lets out a loud shout of excitement.
“This is gong to be so awesome!” I point a look her way, telling her to cool the enthusiasm. She doesn’t get it, so I give up and turn to mom.
“Now, are you certain you’re ready for this, Bell?” Mom asks when I step back around the counter.
“Yes, Mom. I’m ready. We’ve been over this.” She nods, her head moving fast, like she’s trying to force the reality of what’s happening here today to sink in.
“Okay, before anyone starts backing out, let’s do this.” Lissy claps her hands once. Her smile is huge and I want to mirror it, but I don’t want to upset Mom too much.
“Dad’s ready,” I agree, and wait for her to move.
“What am I going to do without you?” She steps forward and takes me in her arms. Her body shakes in mine, her emotions becoming too much. I knew it was coming, so I let her have her moment.
“Well, if I were you, I’d be turning Bell’s room into a gym,” Lissy jokes, breaking the moment.
Mom steps back and forces a smile. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and I know it’s going to take time. Everything is going to be all right.
At least with us it would be.
JESSE: Noticed a shirt missing today. You know anything about that, sweetheart?
Shit
I drop my phone back into my bag and continue to make my way out of the building.
Jesus, he won’t give up. Three weeks . Three weeks of guilt is worse than two weeks. I should just give up and reply to at least one of them, but something is still holding me back
“Bell Johnson, you better not be ignoring me, woman.” I turn at my name and watch Holly stand from a waiting chair and step forward.
“Holly?”
Just finishing a twelve-hour shift, the last person I ever expect sitting here waiting for me would be Holly.
“Don’t Holly me. I’ve been trying to call you the last three days. What’s your deal?” Her hands move to her waist as she levels her best pissed-off look at me.
“Bell, what do you need from me right now?” I know I might be opening myself up for rejection, but I can’t expect her to trust me when I can’t give her what she needs.
“I need time, Jesse. I need to feel safe, and I need you to fight for yourself, not for me.”
“I’ll give you time. I’ll fucking count the seconds, the minutes, the hours until I can prove you’ll be safe with me. But I’m fighting for both of us, baby.”
The silence rings loudly in my ear, reaching my heart and embedding itself into my soul. Her silence, my loneliness, all fuels me to fight. Fight like I never have before for the only person in my life worth fighting for.
This is a battle; this is a war of the hearts. Call me selfish, an asshole, a fucking prick… whatever, but Bell is going to experience firsthand what it looks and feels like to have a man fight for her. She might not believe it now, and she has every right not to, but I am going to get her back. Time was all I had.
She will see.
Thirty-Six BELL
JESSE: Thinking of you.
I pick up my phone as the daily text from Jesse comes through right on time. My thumb dances over the buttons, tempted to reply, but I don’t.
It’s been two weeks since Jesse called me. Two weeks of waking up every morning and seeing his name come up on my phone. Two weeks of him telling me he misses me. Two weeks of going to bed and reading his apologies. Two weeks of guilt.
I know I’m shutting him out, and maybe I’m not playing fair, but what else can I do? Pulling back from Jesse is the right thing to do.
“Bell, are you ready?” My mom’s question travels up the staircase and into my bedroom.
“Yep, give me five,” I shout back, placing my phone down and moving to finish packing the last box left. Even though the last few weeks have been hard, they’ve made me realize, Jesse was right. I let Paige and my need to find her stop me from moving forward. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to lose any more time, and when I finally realized that I made the decision to move out.
At first, Mom and Dad were shocked. So soon after Jesse and I breaking up, they voiced their concerns that I was reacting. And maybe I was, but deep down, we all knew it was the right thing to do. Deep down, we all knew it was coming.
It also allowed me keep my mind off things. Things like a hurting Jesse.
“You got the last box?” Dad asks from my door, breaking my thoughts.
“All done.” I stand and point to the last box.
“You better go check on your mom. She’s very close to losing it. Lissy isn’t helping.” He winks before bending to pick up the box. I roll my eyes picturing what my best friend could be filling my mother’s head with.
“Maybe she should stay. I can come back when I’ve settled in?” I begin to follow him out, not sure Mom is going to cope.
“No, give her this. It’s good for her,” he encourages as we head down the stairs and out to the truck that holds all my belongings.
“Okay, but beware of the tears,” I warn, watching him move toward the front door. I don’t follow; instead, I move to where Lissy and my mom are talking in the kitchen.
“All done,” I tell them, walking to the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. Mom is quiet, while Lissy lets out a loud shout of excitement.
“This is gong to be so awesome!” I point a look her way, telling her to cool the enthusiasm. She doesn’t get it, so I give up and turn to mom.
“Now, are you certain you’re ready for this, Bell?” Mom asks when I step back around the counter.
“Yes, Mom. I’m ready. We’ve been over this.” She nods, her head moving fast, like she’s trying to force the reality of what’s happening here today to sink in.
“Okay, before anyone starts backing out, let’s do this.” Lissy claps her hands once. Her smile is huge and I want to mirror it, but I don’t want to upset Mom too much.
“Dad’s ready,” I agree, and wait for her to move.
“What am I going to do without you?” She steps forward and takes me in her arms. Her body shakes in mine, her emotions becoming too much. I knew it was coming, so I let her have her moment.
“Well, if I were you, I’d be turning Bell’s room into a gym,” Lissy jokes, breaking the moment.
Mom steps back and forces a smile. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and I know it’s going to take time. Everything is going to be all right.
At least with us it would be.
JESSE: Noticed a shirt missing today. You know anything about that, sweetheart?
Shit
I drop my phone back into my bag and continue to make my way out of the building.
Jesus, he won’t give up. Three weeks . Three weeks of guilt is worse than two weeks. I should just give up and reply to at least one of them, but something is still holding me back
“Bell Johnson, you better not be ignoring me, woman.” I turn at my name and watch Holly stand from a waiting chair and step forward.
“Holly?”
Just finishing a twelve-hour shift, the last person I ever expect sitting here waiting for me would be Holly.
“Don’t Holly me. I’ve been trying to call you the last three days. What’s your deal?” Her hands move to her waist as she levels her best pissed-off look at me.
