Desertion
Page 91
“You can bring your best friend, Lissy?” Holly offers, softening her stand.
Lissy, Jesse, and the Rebels in Vegas?
“I’m not sure if it’s the best idea or the worst idea,” I offer and watch the girls smile.
“So you’re in,” Holly pushes, bringing me back to the moment of truth.
“Do I have a choice?” I know I don’t. I have vacation time saved up at work anyway. Even if I didn’t, I’m sure Holly would find a way for me to be there.
“You’re a fast learner, Bell.” She laughs, moving back to her dinner.
I’m far from a fast learner, but I’m coming to realize it doesn’t matter when it comes to Holly. It was her way or no way.
Kind of like Jesse.
Oh, God, how am I going to handle Jesse?
Thirty-Seven JESSE
“It’s like two opposing forces. Grief and rage.” I look up for the first time and catch Conner’s eyes. “Truth is I’ve been angry a long time.” My hands shake at my side as I fight my flight response.
It’s taken me three weeks to stand up here today. Three weeks of listening to these men tell their stories and trying to encourage me to tell my story. Three weeks of hiding.
“Instead of being a burden to my family, the people I needed to let in, I shut them all out. I mean, it’s not like they could possibly understand that physically being home didn’t mean I really came home.” I get a few nods and grunts agreeing. Taking a deep breath, I fill my lungs and continue. “When I close my eyes at night, sometimes I still see myself picking up the body parts of my brothers. I still see myself holding them as they die in my arms on the battlefield. I still see the blood spattered all over my uniform as they take their last breaths.” My voice falters but I keep it together. It’s not like I prepared a speech ready for this moment.
“Do you wrestle with thinking you’re to blame?” Frank, the group session leader, asks, encouraging me to continue.
“My mind tells me that I didn’t cause their pain and grief, but my heart tells me otherwise. I know I can't change their pain, but I can change mine and the pain I inflicted on my family, on the people I love.” I look up at Conner and watch him nod. I know I’m starting to lose it, so I decide that’s enough for today. Small steps.
“That’s all. Thanks,” I tell Frank, letting him know I’m done.
“Thanks for sharing, Jesse.” He doesn’t push me to continue and I’m fucking grateful. Just talking aloud for the first time in front of others has me on edge.
Frank moves on to the next person, and I spend the rest of the session reliving not only mine, but their nightmares over and over. It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve ever shared, and even though I’m on edge, wired from living this shit that plagues my dreams, I know I’m safe. I know my brothers have me and I know I’m not going to fuck up again.
It’s not an option.
“You gonna keep looking at that phone, or you gonna eat?” Conner asks, breaking me out of my stare.
“Huh?” I look up and watch him smirk.
“What the fuck are you doing, Jesse? Since when do you let a woman mess you up like this?”
“You’re the fucking one who said to give her time.” I pocket my phone and force myself to get my shit together.
“How’s that working out for you?” He smirks, knowing just how fucking well it’s working. Asshole.
“About as well as it was last week.” I shake my head and move back to my burger. We just finished our group session and decided to come into town to eat.
“You tried going to see her?”
“Not ready for that yet.” I shut that idea down knowing I need to pull my head out of my ass and step up. I just need a bit more time.
“Remind me what you’re waiting for again?”
“She asked for time. I’m giving it to her.” I wish she would give me something more to work with. I do worry I’ve pushed her too far. The night of my father’s funeral was brutal. Maybe she would never forgive me for that, but we were long past forgiveness. I just needed to prove it wouldn’t happen again.
“Just don’t forget who you are, Jesse. Yes, you fucked up. Yes, you’re giving her what she asked for, but in my experience, most women don’t know what they want.”
“In your experience?” I snort at the fucker as he throws a French fry at my head.
“Hey, I’m not the sucker looking at my phone every day wondering when some pussy is gonna call.”
“That’s my woman you’re talking about, asshole.”
“Exactly, now just remind her of that.”
I don’t respond ‘cause he’s fucking right.
Bell is my woman, and maybe I was going to have to make her remember. Maybe her plea for more time needed to end. I knew what I was doing now wasn’t enough. I had to do more. She deserved more. We both did.
I just needed to do one more thing.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” T’s eyes connect with mine as soon as I step foot in the bar just outside of town.
If any of my brothers were here, they’d have me by the scruff of my cut, pulling me back out to my bike.
“Calling in a favor.” I clock the three men to my right, Bear, T’s VP, and some other fucker I don’t know, and the on my left, the punk ass I should have laid out, Danger. It might turn out to be my biggest fuck up to date, but I can’t not try.
Lissy, Jesse, and the Rebels in Vegas?
“I’m not sure if it’s the best idea or the worst idea,” I offer and watch the girls smile.
“So you’re in,” Holly pushes, bringing me back to the moment of truth.
“Do I have a choice?” I know I don’t. I have vacation time saved up at work anyway. Even if I didn’t, I’m sure Holly would find a way for me to be there.
“You’re a fast learner, Bell.” She laughs, moving back to her dinner.
I’m far from a fast learner, but I’m coming to realize it doesn’t matter when it comes to Holly. It was her way or no way.
Kind of like Jesse.
Oh, God, how am I going to handle Jesse?
Thirty-Seven JESSE
“It’s like two opposing forces. Grief and rage.” I look up for the first time and catch Conner’s eyes. “Truth is I’ve been angry a long time.” My hands shake at my side as I fight my flight response.
It’s taken me three weeks to stand up here today. Three weeks of listening to these men tell their stories and trying to encourage me to tell my story. Three weeks of hiding.
“Instead of being a burden to my family, the people I needed to let in, I shut them all out. I mean, it’s not like they could possibly understand that physically being home didn’t mean I really came home.” I get a few nods and grunts agreeing. Taking a deep breath, I fill my lungs and continue. “When I close my eyes at night, sometimes I still see myself picking up the body parts of my brothers. I still see myself holding them as they die in my arms on the battlefield. I still see the blood spattered all over my uniform as they take their last breaths.” My voice falters but I keep it together. It’s not like I prepared a speech ready for this moment.
“Do you wrestle with thinking you’re to blame?” Frank, the group session leader, asks, encouraging me to continue.
“My mind tells me that I didn’t cause their pain and grief, but my heart tells me otherwise. I know I can't change their pain, but I can change mine and the pain I inflicted on my family, on the people I love.” I look up at Conner and watch him nod. I know I’m starting to lose it, so I decide that’s enough for today. Small steps.
“That’s all. Thanks,” I tell Frank, letting him know I’m done.
“Thanks for sharing, Jesse.” He doesn’t push me to continue and I’m fucking grateful. Just talking aloud for the first time in front of others has me on edge.
Frank moves on to the next person, and I spend the rest of the session reliving not only mine, but their nightmares over and over. It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve ever shared, and even though I’m on edge, wired from living this shit that plagues my dreams, I know I’m safe. I know my brothers have me and I know I’m not going to fuck up again.
It’s not an option.
“You gonna keep looking at that phone, or you gonna eat?” Conner asks, breaking me out of my stare.
“Huh?” I look up and watch him smirk.
“What the fuck are you doing, Jesse? Since when do you let a woman mess you up like this?”
“You’re the fucking one who said to give her time.” I pocket my phone and force myself to get my shit together.
“How’s that working out for you?” He smirks, knowing just how fucking well it’s working. Asshole.
“About as well as it was last week.” I shake my head and move back to my burger. We just finished our group session and decided to come into town to eat.
“You tried going to see her?”
“Not ready for that yet.” I shut that idea down knowing I need to pull my head out of my ass and step up. I just need a bit more time.
“Remind me what you’re waiting for again?”
“She asked for time. I’m giving it to her.” I wish she would give me something more to work with. I do worry I’ve pushed her too far. The night of my father’s funeral was brutal. Maybe she would never forgive me for that, but we were long past forgiveness. I just needed to prove it wouldn’t happen again.
“Just don’t forget who you are, Jesse. Yes, you fucked up. Yes, you’re giving her what she asked for, but in my experience, most women don’t know what they want.”
“In your experience?” I snort at the fucker as he throws a French fry at my head.
“Hey, I’m not the sucker looking at my phone every day wondering when some pussy is gonna call.”
“That’s my woman you’re talking about, asshole.”
“Exactly, now just remind her of that.”
I don’t respond ‘cause he’s fucking right.
Bell is my woman, and maybe I was going to have to make her remember. Maybe her plea for more time needed to end. I knew what I was doing now wasn’t enough. I had to do more. She deserved more. We both did.
I just needed to do one more thing.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” T’s eyes connect with mine as soon as I step foot in the bar just outside of town.
If any of my brothers were here, they’d have me by the scruff of my cut, pulling me back out to my bike.
“Calling in a favor.” I clock the three men to my right, Bear, T’s VP, and some other fucker I don’t know, and the on my left, the punk ass I should have laid out, Danger. It might turn out to be my biggest fuck up to date, but I can’t not try.
