Destroyed
Page 52
I moaned as the possessive heat of his palm sent mini explosions in my blood.
My body welcomed the energy Roan conjured, but my mind skittered away. It was wrong to focus on myself. So wrong to thrill in life when Clara no longer had any.
I can’t do this.
I froze.
Roan’s hand dropped from me and he exhaled heavily. “Fuck. I’m an ass**le.”
“No, you’re not.” I shook my head, cursing the trickle of tears seeping from my eyes. Would I ever be able to stomach the thought that Clara was no longer in my world?
Roan scooted backward, bringing me with him. I stood on my black dress and something sharp poked the bottom of my foot.
Bending to rub my sole, I found the My Little Pony badge from the funeral. I picked it up; the girlish horse design swirled with my tears.
My insides twisted until I no longer knew how to live. My heart had to relearn how to beat. My mind had to come to terms with loss. My body had to prepare itself to bring more life into the world.
There was too much. Too much sensation. Life was moving too fast, putting distance between me and Clara every second.
I looked up at Roan, begging him to fix it.
“Shit, Zel.” He dragged me against him and held me tight. His warmth helped comfort but at the same time reminded me Clara was no longer warm. I’d stolen her heat as she grew cold in my arms in his office.
My heart squeezed until I couldn’t breathe.
How can I move on when the guilt will kill me?
I didn’t know how long we stood there. But Roan never stopped stroking my hair. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be so strong. Let go. I’m here.” His voice soothed me, rough and masculine. He didn’t pull away, despite the damp patch growing beneath his shirt from the stress of holding me.
Finally, when my silent shudders had stopped, he disappeared and came back with a white bathrobe from the bathroom. Wrapping me tight, concealing my half-nakedness, he asked, “Can I show you something? It might make it a little easier.” His voice hitched. “Or it might make it f**king worse. I don’t know. I second guessed myself the entire time I did it.”
Trepidation prickled my spine. “Show me what?”
Pulling away, he captured my hand and dragged me from the room. We travelled down a short corridor before he turned a doorknob and pushed me into a snapshot of my past. I felt as if I walked through a time machine.
Clara.
Everywhere.
Huge canvases of her smiling, running, dancing. I couldn’t breathe. I was sure my heart ceased to beat. This must be the gateway to heaven.
Had I died from sadness?
I could sense her. Hear her laugh. Smell her apple scent.
Roan’s strong presence appeared on my right. “Are you okay?”
I barely nodded, too consumed with the blown up pictures of Clara. Her smile radiated, so full of life. “H—how?”
“Obsidian has security cameras. I went back through the footage and saved some shots to remind you she’ll always be here. Even if she’s gone.” He drifted forward, toward the largest picture decorating the walls. It was a portrait of me and Clara walking hand in hand in the gardens. Her purple ribbon had wrapped around my arm and we were laughing, trying to untangle ourselves.
All the air deflated from my body, but instead of collapsing in a waterfall of tears, I sighed with a strange mix of peace and nostalgia. Roan had stolen my daughter by falling in love with her but he’d given her back to me, too.
“I—I don’t know what to say.” I clutched my stomach, holding in the pain of missing her.
He smiled. His scar looked less angry, making him softer, tamer. “Don’t say anything. Whenever it gets too much, come in here and talk to her. She’ll always be with you.” He hung his head, trailing a fingertip over a horse statue I hadn’t noticed.
I spun, taking in the details of the room. In every corner rested bronze and copper horses from Roan’s collection at Obsidian.
“I know it’s stupid, but I hear her. In here.” Roan tapped his temple, then dropped his hand to his heart. “I feel her. In here.”
Oh, God.
Sadness, heartache, and overwhelming tragedy bubbled in my chest. Popping and fizzing until my insides rained with glistening tears. But my eyes stayed dry.
I stayed strong to accept the incredible gift Roan had given me.
“I hear her, too.” I moved forward, tracing a finger over a beautiful sun-drenched photo of Clara picking daisies. “I think I’ll always hear her.”
I couldn’t believe the scarred man before me was the same fighter who’d bought me for sex. He’d changed so much—yet still seemed the same.
I needed him. I needed to show him how grateful I was. How much he gave me. “Take me back to the bedroom,” I whispered.
Roan’s eyes widened. “We don’t have—”
I shook my head. “I want to.” The grief suddenly receded, leaving me blessedly light. Standing in the room surrounded by Clara, I found the strength to put aside my tears and celebrate what I’d gained rather than what I lost.
You need to tell him.
I needed to make it official and stop hiding from the future hurtling toward me. I needed to tell him about his son.
Roan’s shoulders bunched and he came slowly toward me. His lips thinned. “I want you, Zel. God knows how much I f**king want you.” He dropped his eyes, glaring at his fists. “But I’m still struggling inside. I want to be gentle. To hold you and make love to you. But…I won’t be able to and I don’t want to take you violently. Not today.”
My heart raced. I didn’t reply. What could I say? I accepted that and still wanted him. I wasn’t asking to be held while I cried and be rocked to sleep. I was asking to forget—for a short while.
Clara’s memory would still be there to mourn once I’d thanked Roan with all my heart.
“I understand. I need what you can give me. I need to be reminded of how to fight. I’m sick of tears.” Giving him one last look, I moved toward the door.
I didn’t wait for him to follow. Pacing down the corridor, I entered the white bedroom, already prickling with heat and regret. Could I celebrate life and accept everything the new pregnancy would offer? Could I put aside my grief for just a moment to spend time with my future, rather than my past?
My eyes fell on the fluffy, perfectly crafted sheep resting by the large windows.
Clara’s sheep.
Sunlight struck the bronze, dancing like tarnished rainbows onto the white carpet.
“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”
My heart died all over again but this time, it restarted with a slight thread of hope. Hope that I could survive and wouldn’t buckle beneath the loss.
Arms banded around me from behind. Roan’s hot breath caressed my neck as he nuzzled my ear. “I’ll stop. Just say the word and I’ll leave.”
I arched my back into him. “Take me. Make me come back to life.”
Roan groaned, picking me up and carrying me toward the bed. “I’ll never stop kissing you or loving you. I’ll never stop working hard to f**king deserve you.”
Settling me on the mattress, his body collapsed on mine. His knee forced my legs apart as he rested his fully-clad body against me. The bathrobe fell apart and his hand landed on my side, sending electric fire darting all over.
I’d never get used to the ferocious tingles or sharp connection when we touched.
“You’ll never be alone again, Zel. I’m all f**king yours.” His mouth captured mine. His smoky scent intoxicated me and every taste bud came alive as his sinful tongue entered my mouth. He stole every thought. Every tear. He made me focus on one thing only.
Him.
Passion unfurled in my stomach, heating me, thrilling me. I let myself be selfish and only focused on that moment. Not the future. Not the past. Not anything but the slickness of Roan’s tongue and the hard heat of him between my legs.
He angled his head, his lips sliding against mine. His tongue licked mine in a possessive dance echoing in my core.
My fingers itched to tug his hair, scratch his back. Something feral unlocked inside me and I craved connection. Craved a fight. I wanted to know I was still strong enough despite what had happened.
Roan’s hand cupped my throat, pinning me to the mattress. My eyes flew open as he stopped kissing me. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”
My heart exploded at the icy intensity in his silver eyes. I swallowed as his fingers tightened. Instead of fearing him, I accepted it. I willingly gave myself into his power. After everything he’d done for me, he shouldn’t need confirmation. It was obvious.
“I’m yours. Through and through.”
I’m having your child.
His nostrils flared and he moved suddenly, climbing off the bed. The residual heat of his fingers around my neck sparked with erotic torture.
Grey-white eyes locked with mine as he tore off his t-shirt and stood, letting me feast on his skin. Clara’s silver star rested in the hollow of his throat and the spasm to my heart crippled me. I forced myself to stop looking and my eyebrows drew together, noticing the new scars mingling with old. Silver and red, along with purple and blue bruises.
Sitting upright, I traced the two large squares of gauze stuck to his side. “You’re hurt.” I looked up, asking silently what happened. Small pinpricks of blood had seeped through the bandage.
He shook his head. “Later. If you want to know, I’ll tell you.” His hands fell to his buckle and I swallowed hard. “But right now, I’m going to take you. I need to know you’re mine. So I can give you everything that I f**king am.”
My pu**y clenched at the raw need in his voice. I couldn’t look away.
His stomach rippled, muscles dancing beneath ruined skin as he undid the button and pulled down the zipper. He let the material whisper down his legs before kicking them away. He stood proud and naked. So different to when I first met him.
My mouth watered to lick every inch. To taste him. To drink him in forever.
His hands twitched by his sides. “Take your bra off.” His voice was dark, husky, heavily accented—the Russian dialect he tried so hard to hide coming through.
Sitting up, I pulled the dressing gown off and unhooked my bra. It came away; I let the cups fall to the bed.
Roan’s eyes fell to my chest, licking his lips. He groaned and cupped himself. His c**k jerked in his touch as he stroked sensitive flesh. “You’re the only woman my c**k reacts to. All my life, I’ve been alone. I was taught to hate sex. That it would fog my brain—ruin my focus for their missions. But now I look at you and I’m glad. I’m glad my c**k only reacts to you. Because it means I f**king own you and you own me in return.”
The passion in his tone kept me locked in his spell. My brain kept poking at grief, kept trying to suck me back into tears, but Roan trapped me with him. I needed it. Desperately. I needed to remember how to be myself. How to survive.
“You’re the only man I’ve been attracted to. I wanted you the moment I saw you. You scared me, terrified me, but beneath it all I saw who you are now. I saw a man I could love. I’m yours, Roan.”
His eyes snapped closed; his entire body shuddered. “Fuck, call me that again.” His voice resonated with lust.
I didn’t know if he wanted me to tell him I loved him or call him by his name. So I did both. I threw myself into the truth and embraced my future with this scarred fighter.
“I love you, Roan Averin.”
His body, so cut and etched in muscle, rippled with need. His eyes wrenched open and for once I saw a sliver of blue in the white depths. I saw ragged passion and undiluted awe. “You f**king own me, Hazel.”
“I don’t own you. I’ll never own you. You’re free. You fought your past and you found your way to me.” My voice cracked with tears—but these tears were pride and gratefulness that he’d been able to fight.
“Fucking hell,” Roan growled. “I need you so much.” Letting go of his erection, he pounced. The bed shifted as he landed on top of me. Supporting his weight on his elbows, his lips crashed against mine, pressing my head into the mattress.
He commanded me to open wide, to accept his brutal kiss. His mouth consumed me. Every slide of his tongue fought and parried. Danced and worshipped.
I moaned as his hand trailed down my ribcage, spreading a wake of fire. Caressing my hip, he dipped inward, pushing my legs apart.
“I want you. I need to be inside you.” He kissed me so hard my teeth bruised my lips. “I can’t be gentle. I’m—sorry. I can’t be—”
My body shattered as he pressed two fingers deep inside me. Drawing wetness and sending exploding pinwheels through my heart. “It’s okay. I under—”
His mouth landed on mine again, swallowing my words. His fingers thrust in a perfect rhythm building me higher and higher. An orgasm gathered behind my eyes, in my heart, my chest, my core.
Every stroke and tease from his long, strong fingers sent sweat dewing on my skin. The sun streamed through the windows, capturing us in a spotlight of heat.
“God, I want to be inside you. Hard and deep. I want to claim every inch of you,” Roan panted, biting my ear.
“Do it. Take me.”
I wanted him now while I existed in this perfect selfish world where nothing else mattered. I’d put barriers up, segmenting the grief I knew was waiting for me.
He laughed, strangled with hunger. “God, you’re too f**king potent. I can’t think straight. I can’t control myself.”
I whimpered as the tip of his c**k replaced his fingers, nudging, sliding in just a little.
My body welcomed the energy Roan conjured, but my mind skittered away. It was wrong to focus on myself. So wrong to thrill in life when Clara no longer had any.
I can’t do this.
I froze.
Roan’s hand dropped from me and he exhaled heavily. “Fuck. I’m an ass**le.”
“No, you’re not.” I shook my head, cursing the trickle of tears seeping from my eyes. Would I ever be able to stomach the thought that Clara was no longer in my world?
Roan scooted backward, bringing me with him. I stood on my black dress and something sharp poked the bottom of my foot.
Bending to rub my sole, I found the My Little Pony badge from the funeral. I picked it up; the girlish horse design swirled with my tears.
My insides twisted until I no longer knew how to live. My heart had to relearn how to beat. My mind had to come to terms with loss. My body had to prepare itself to bring more life into the world.
There was too much. Too much sensation. Life was moving too fast, putting distance between me and Clara every second.
I looked up at Roan, begging him to fix it.
“Shit, Zel.” He dragged me against him and held me tight. His warmth helped comfort but at the same time reminded me Clara was no longer warm. I’d stolen her heat as she grew cold in my arms in his office.
My heart squeezed until I couldn’t breathe.
How can I move on when the guilt will kill me?
I didn’t know how long we stood there. But Roan never stopped stroking my hair. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be so strong. Let go. I’m here.” His voice soothed me, rough and masculine. He didn’t pull away, despite the damp patch growing beneath his shirt from the stress of holding me.
Finally, when my silent shudders had stopped, he disappeared and came back with a white bathrobe from the bathroom. Wrapping me tight, concealing my half-nakedness, he asked, “Can I show you something? It might make it a little easier.” His voice hitched. “Or it might make it f**king worse. I don’t know. I second guessed myself the entire time I did it.”
Trepidation prickled my spine. “Show me what?”
Pulling away, he captured my hand and dragged me from the room. We travelled down a short corridor before he turned a doorknob and pushed me into a snapshot of my past. I felt as if I walked through a time machine.
Clara.
Everywhere.
Huge canvases of her smiling, running, dancing. I couldn’t breathe. I was sure my heart ceased to beat. This must be the gateway to heaven.
Had I died from sadness?
I could sense her. Hear her laugh. Smell her apple scent.
Roan’s strong presence appeared on my right. “Are you okay?”
I barely nodded, too consumed with the blown up pictures of Clara. Her smile radiated, so full of life. “H—how?”
“Obsidian has security cameras. I went back through the footage and saved some shots to remind you she’ll always be here. Even if she’s gone.” He drifted forward, toward the largest picture decorating the walls. It was a portrait of me and Clara walking hand in hand in the gardens. Her purple ribbon had wrapped around my arm and we were laughing, trying to untangle ourselves.
All the air deflated from my body, but instead of collapsing in a waterfall of tears, I sighed with a strange mix of peace and nostalgia. Roan had stolen my daughter by falling in love with her but he’d given her back to me, too.
“I—I don’t know what to say.” I clutched my stomach, holding in the pain of missing her.
He smiled. His scar looked less angry, making him softer, tamer. “Don’t say anything. Whenever it gets too much, come in here and talk to her. She’ll always be with you.” He hung his head, trailing a fingertip over a horse statue I hadn’t noticed.
I spun, taking in the details of the room. In every corner rested bronze and copper horses from Roan’s collection at Obsidian.
“I know it’s stupid, but I hear her. In here.” Roan tapped his temple, then dropped his hand to his heart. “I feel her. In here.”
Oh, God.
Sadness, heartache, and overwhelming tragedy bubbled in my chest. Popping and fizzing until my insides rained with glistening tears. But my eyes stayed dry.
I stayed strong to accept the incredible gift Roan had given me.
“I hear her, too.” I moved forward, tracing a finger over a beautiful sun-drenched photo of Clara picking daisies. “I think I’ll always hear her.”
I couldn’t believe the scarred man before me was the same fighter who’d bought me for sex. He’d changed so much—yet still seemed the same.
I needed him. I needed to show him how grateful I was. How much he gave me. “Take me back to the bedroom,” I whispered.
Roan’s eyes widened. “We don’t have—”
I shook my head. “I want to.” The grief suddenly receded, leaving me blessedly light. Standing in the room surrounded by Clara, I found the strength to put aside my tears and celebrate what I’d gained rather than what I lost.
You need to tell him.
I needed to make it official and stop hiding from the future hurtling toward me. I needed to tell him about his son.
Roan’s shoulders bunched and he came slowly toward me. His lips thinned. “I want you, Zel. God knows how much I f**king want you.” He dropped his eyes, glaring at his fists. “But I’m still struggling inside. I want to be gentle. To hold you and make love to you. But…I won’t be able to and I don’t want to take you violently. Not today.”
My heart raced. I didn’t reply. What could I say? I accepted that and still wanted him. I wasn’t asking to be held while I cried and be rocked to sleep. I was asking to forget—for a short while.
Clara’s memory would still be there to mourn once I’d thanked Roan with all my heart.
“I understand. I need what you can give me. I need to be reminded of how to fight. I’m sick of tears.” Giving him one last look, I moved toward the door.
I didn’t wait for him to follow. Pacing down the corridor, I entered the white bedroom, already prickling with heat and regret. Could I celebrate life and accept everything the new pregnancy would offer? Could I put aside my grief for just a moment to spend time with my future, rather than my past?
My eyes fell on the fluffy, perfectly crafted sheep resting by the large windows.
Clara’s sheep.
Sunlight struck the bronze, dancing like tarnished rainbows onto the white carpet.
“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”
My heart died all over again but this time, it restarted with a slight thread of hope. Hope that I could survive and wouldn’t buckle beneath the loss.
Arms banded around me from behind. Roan’s hot breath caressed my neck as he nuzzled my ear. “I’ll stop. Just say the word and I’ll leave.”
I arched my back into him. “Take me. Make me come back to life.”
Roan groaned, picking me up and carrying me toward the bed. “I’ll never stop kissing you or loving you. I’ll never stop working hard to f**king deserve you.”
Settling me on the mattress, his body collapsed on mine. His knee forced my legs apart as he rested his fully-clad body against me. The bathrobe fell apart and his hand landed on my side, sending electric fire darting all over.
I’d never get used to the ferocious tingles or sharp connection when we touched.
“You’ll never be alone again, Zel. I’m all f**king yours.” His mouth captured mine. His smoky scent intoxicated me and every taste bud came alive as his sinful tongue entered my mouth. He stole every thought. Every tear. He made me focus on one thing only.
Him.
Passion unfurled in my stomach, heating me, thrilling me. I let myself be selfish and only focused on that moment. Not the future. Not the past. Not anything but the slickness of Roan’s tongue and the hard heat of him between my legs.
He angled his head, his lips sliding against mine. His tongue licked mine in a possessive dance echoing in my core.
My fingers itched to tug his hair, scratch his back. Something feral unlocked inside me and I craved connection. Craved a fight. I wanted to know I was still strong enough despite what had happened.
Roan’s hand cupped my throat, pinning me to the mattress. My eyes flew open as he stopped kissing me. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”
My heart exploded at the icy intensity in his silver eyes. I swallowed as his fingers tightened. Instead of fearing him, I accepted it. I willingly gave myself into his power. After everything he’d done for me, he shouldn’t need confirmation. It was obvious.
“I’m yours. Through and through.”
I’m having your child.
His nostrils flared and he moved suddenly, climbing off the bed. The residual heat of his fingers around my neck sparked with erotic torture.
Grey-white eyes locked with mine as he tore off his t-shirt and stood, letting me feast on his skin. Clara’s silver star rested in the hollow of his throat and the spasm to my heart crippled me. I forced myself to stop looking and my eyebrows drew together, noticing the new scars mingling with old. Silver and red, along with purple and blue bruises.
Sitting upright, I traced the two large squares of gauze stuck to his side. “You’re hurt.” I looked up, asking silently what happened. Small pinpricks of blood had seeped through the bandage.
He shook his head. “Later. If you want to know, I’ll tell you.” His hands fell to his buckle and I swallowed hard. “But right now, I’m going to take you. I need to know you’re mine. So I can give you everything that I f**king am.”
My pu**y clenched at the raw need in his voice. I couldn’t look away.
His stomach rippled, muscles dancing beneath ruined skin as he undid the button and pulled down the zipper. He let the material whisper down his legs before kicking them away. He stood proud and naked. So different to when I first met him.
My mouth watered to lick every inch. To taste him. To drink him in forever.
His hands twitched by his sides. “Take your bra off.” His voice was dark, husky, heavily accented—the Russian dialect he tried so hard to hide coming through.
Sitting up, I pulled the dressing gown off and unhooked my bra. It came away; I let the cups fall to the bed.
Roan’s eyes fell to my chest, licking his lips. He groaned and cupped himself. His c**k jerked in his touch as he stroked sensitive flesh. “You’re the only woman my c**k reacts to. All my life, I’ve been alone. I was taught to hate sex. That it would fog my brain—ruin my focus for their missions. But now I look at you and I’m glad. I’m glad my c**k only reacts to you. Because it means I f**king own you and you own me in return.”
The passion in his tone kept me locked in his spell. My brain kept poking at grief, kept trying to suck me back into tears, but Roan trapped me with him. I needed it. Desperately. I needed to remember how to be myself. How to survive.
“You’re the only man I’ve been attracted to. I wanted you the moment I saw you. You scared me, terrified me, but beneath it all I saw who you are now. I saw a man I could love. I’m yours, Roan.”
His eyes snapped closed; his entire body shuddered. “Fuck, call me that again.” His voice resonated with lust.
I didn’t know if he wanted me to tell him I loved him or call him by his name. So I did both. I threw myself into the truth and embraced my future with this scarred fighter.
“I love you, Roan Averin.”
His body, so cut and etched in muscle, rippled with need. His eyes wrenched open and for once I saw a sliver of blue in the white depths. I saw ragged passion and undiluted awe. “You f**king own me, Hazel.”
“I don’t own you. I’ll never own you. You’re free. You fought your past and you found your way to me.” My voice cracked with tears—but these tears were pride and gratefulness that he’d been able to fight.
“Fucking hell,” Roan growled. “I need you so much.” Letting go of his erection, he pounced. The bed shifted as he landed on top of me. Supporting his weight on his elbows, his lips crashed against mine, pressing my head into the mattress.
He commanded me to open wide, to accept his brutal kiss. His mouth consumed me. Every slide of his tongue fought and parried. Danced and worshipped.
I moaned as his hand trailed down my ribcage, spreading a wake of fire. Caressing my hip, he dipped inward, pushing my legs apart.
“I want you. I need to be inside you.” He kissed me so hard my teeth bruised my lips. “I can’t be gentle. I’m—sorry. I can’t be—”
My body shattered as he pressed two fingers deep inside me. Drawing wetness and sending exploding pinwheels through my heart. “It’s okay. I under—”
His mouth landed on mine again, swallowing my words. His fingers thrust in a perfect rhythm building me higher and higher. An orgasm gathered behind my eyes, in my heart, my chest, my core.
Every stroke and tease from his long, strong fingers sent sweat dewing on my skin. The sun streamed through the windows, capturing us in a spotlight of heat.
“God, I want to be inside you. Hard and deep. I want to claim every inch of you,” Roan panted, biting my ear.
“Do it. Take me.”
I wanted him now while I existed in this perfect selfish world where nothing else mattered. I’d put barriers up, segmenting the grief I knew was waiting for me.
He laughed, strangled with hunger. “God, you’re too f**king potent. I can’t think straight. I can’t control myself.”
I whimpered as the tip of his c**k replaced his fingers, nudging, sliding in just a little.
