Epilogue
Page 11
He spoke to Livvie’s friends, her co-workers, even the kid at the restaurant Livvie liked to go to. It was a good thing I had paid someone to give my note to the waiter. If he’d given Reed my description, we would have been pretty screwed. It took a great amount of will power to steer clear of him. I knew there were certain things Livvie would not forgive.
Livvie and I had no contact during Reed’s visit. I discovered more nightmares and a level of boredom I had never experienced before in my life. I was grateful for the internet until I was unable to resist doing a search for “Missing child+James Cole”.
There were a couple of results, but nothing that jumped out at me. I was kidnapped before the internet had become commonplace, before Twitter and Facebook, and 24-hour news. Back then, milk cartons and mailers were the best people could do. James Cole never stood a chance.
That night I dreamt I was trapped inside a child’s body. I was with Narweh again and my strength meant nothing. He laughed at me. I didn’t go online for a week.
I never like it when I dream. It’s usually about things I’d rather not think about. When I was a young boy and worked in the brothel, I never dreamed. At least, not that I can recall. There were mornings when I would wake and have new and interesting ways to murder Narweh when the time came—but I never attributed them to my dreams.
The first dreams I can recall began when Rafiq brought me to live with him. The uncertainty of my new fate had the tendency to terrify me. I have never felt comfortable sharing my feelings—especially my doubts, fears, hopes, and desires. They are what make me vulnerable and more than anything, I hate being vulnerable. Once Rafiq had gained my trust, once he had given me a destiny and a purpose, I didn’t dream so much.
The dreams resurfaced in the weeks following Livvie’s kidnapping. I had dismissed them at the time. I knew I was conflicted over many things: My desire to move on with my life. My confusion over Rafiq’s increasing secrecy. The nagging sense of doubt over kidnapping Livvie. The fear I was becoming Narweh. The dreams intensified the more my feelings for Livvie had begun to develop. I denied it then. I see it now.
The nightmares I had after I left Livvie at the U.S.–Mexico border were some of the worst I have ever had. If you know anything about me—and we’ve well established you do—then you can perhaps imagine the horrors I had to choose from. The truth is, I don’t let these things, the horrors of my past, drag me under. Quite the contrary—for so very long, they fueled me. Considering what I’ve been through, I often think I’m very well adjusted. I can handle anything the world throws at me, but for someone who tries to plan his moves ahead of time, uncertainty about my future leaves me disturbed as nothing else.
I thought finding Livvie would give me certainty, but I was learning that happiness also presents new ways to suffer. Misery, I understand. Happiness is terrifying.
Also, Livvie’s words about “other shit” coming to the fore made sense to me. For the first time in my life I didn’t have anything to do. No one had any expectations of me. I had enough money to do anything and go anywhere, but I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I had idle hands. My mind was the proverbial devil’s playground. It seemed as though everything I had kept tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind was escaping into my consciousness.
I breathed a deep sigh of relief when Reed left Spain and Livvie could finally come back to me. I still had the nightmares, but waking up to her warm body made it easier to come back from the anxiety.
***
It was October, and the weather was becoming unpredictable. On some nights it was the perfect excuse to spend hours in bed. Livvie and I f**ked like rabbits—and a few other animals too.
Although Livvie’s presence brought me solace after a nightmare, I hated how weak it made me feel to accept it. Instead, I took to staying up after Livvie went to sleep. I slept while she was out in the world of the living. I still had the dreams, but I didn’t wake up to darkness.
All in all, things were good. Aside from the dreams, I didn’t have anything to complain about. However, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t beginning to get more than a little restless. Livvie had a job, she went to school and had friends. I didn’t have any of those things. Trust me, I wasn’t butt-hurt over it. I didn’t begrudge her those things. It was simply becoming obvious to me that my life was completely different from what I had known. What does a former kidnapper/murderer do in retirement?
After three weeks of idle hands, I decided to buy a car. I bought a 5-Series BMW. It wasn’t as sexy as the Lamborghini, but it did the trick. I could go for long drives and avoid my sterile hotel room. Even when I was out, I kept to myself. Having decided I would be staying in Barcelona indefinitely, I didn’t need or want to draw unnecessary attention toward myself. It was a huge risk just being with Livvie.
It didn’t take long for Livvie’s friends to realize something had changed. She’d all but abandoned them those first three weeks. She worked three nights a week and went to school Monday through Thursday. She spent most of her free time with me.
“So,” Livvie began as we sat down to eat the meal room service had brought up. “Remember when we said we’d take things one day at a time and figure out what we were going to tell people when the time came?” She bit into a piece of asparagus. I swallowed the chunk of steak in my mouth without chewing.
“Yes.”
“Well, I think we should start talking about it. Claudia and Rubi are starting to complain about the amount of time I’m not spending with them.” She smiled at me.
I stabbed a piece of broccoli like it owed me money.
“Why is it their business? You’re an adult. You don’t need their permission to see me.”
“Caleb,” she admonished. “They’re my friends. They’ve been there for me. If you’re going to fit into my life, you’re going to have to find a way to get to know my friends. I can’t keep coming over here every night. It’s exhausting. I have a life!”
“And aren’t you lucky? Good for you.” I shoveled food into my mouth and avoided her eyes. I didn’t know why I was so angry. She’d made a perfectly valid argument and I’d shit on it. Her smile quickly disappeared.
“You know what? How about I just quit my job?” she spat.
I looked up from my plate. Here we go…
“Livvie—”
“No!” She was on a roll. Her eyes screamed of crazy. “It’s perfect! I’ll leave school and cut my friends out of my life. Then you can have me all to yourself! You can keep me in your dark little room and f**k me stupid. You can own me. It’s what you want, isn’t it?”
My rage was a living, breathing monster in my gut and it fed on every word she’d said. I had no doubt she’d been waiting to say those words to me since the night we’d talked on her balcony. Did her words hurt? Yes. But they also excited me. My dick was hard and a familiar thrumming thudded in my ears. I wanted a fight. I needed a fight. I was sick and tired of playing nice. I AM NOT NICE!
I chewed my food slowly and with a smile on my face. I watched Livvie closely. She was trying hard not to crack under the pressure of my silence. Livvie could never handle it—still can’t. I could hear her breathing. Her eyes were narrowed onto my face. If I’d been some little boy her age, I might have worried for my safety. But I’d seen scary, and Livvie just didn’t fit the bill. She was too sweet, too sexy.
“Aren’t you going to f**king respond?” She was taunting me and enjoying it. Her chest rose and fell with gaining speed. I could make out the points of her ni**les through her shirt.
I swallowed my food and sipped from my wine glass. I’d missed the familiarity of pushing Livvie’s buttons. I didn’t want to hurt her. I’d vowed not to hurt her again. It didn’t mean I had to become a pu**y.
“You want a response, Kitten?” Fear flickered just behind her angry stare. She shivered before she could stop it. I took my napkin from my lap and set it on the table. Livvie watched me intently. “Here’s my response.”
I slid my arm across the table. Our plates, glasses, and silverware crashed onto the floor. I stood up just in time to catch Livvie’s arm as she leapt out of her chair and ran toward the door.
“Caleb, no!” she screamed. I put my hand across her mouth and hoisted her with one arm. Her legs kicked out at me viciously. Her teeth bit into my hand. Her nails dug into the flesh of my arm. The pain only spurred me on.
I pressed her body into the wall until she could barely move. She squirmed against me. You might hate me for it, but I loved every second. Then again, I knew I wasn’t going to hurt her—not really. Once I had her immobilized, I whispered into her ear.
“Don’t you think if that’s what I wanted, I wouldn’t just do it?” She whimpered. “It would be easier for me. You’d be mine in every way possible.” I rubbed my c**k between the cheeks of her ass. I almost came in my pants when she groaned. She struggled, but she was barely trying.
“I could keep you chained to the bed. I’d f**k you every night and never let you come. Only good girls get to come, Kitten. Would you be a good girl for me?” I took my hand away from Livvie’s mouth and smoothed her hair back so I could see the side of her face.
Livvie and I had no contact during Reed’s visit. I discovered more nightmares and a level of boredom I had never experienced before in my life. I was grateful for the internet until I was unable to resist doing a search for “Missing child+James Cole”.
There were a couple of results, but nothing that jumped out at me. I was kidnapped before the internet had become commonplace, before Twitter and Facebook, and 24-hour news. Back then, milk cartons and mailers were the best people could do. James Cole never stood a chance.
That night I dreamt I was trapped inside a child’s body. I was with Narweh again and my strength meant nothing. He laughed at me. I didn’t go online for a week.
I never like it when I dream. It’s usually about things I’d rather not think about. When I was a young boy and worked in the brothel, I never dreamed. At least, not that I can recall. There were mornings when I would wake and have new and interesting ways to murder Narweh when the time came—but I never attributed them to my dreams.
The first dreams I can recall began when Rafiq brought me to live with him. The uncertainty of my new fate had the tendency to terrify me. I have never felt comfortable sharing my feelings—especially my doubts, fears, hopes, and desires. They are what make me vulnerable and more than anything, I hate being vulnerable. Once Rafiq had gained my trust, once he had given me a destiny and a purpose, I didn’t dream so much.
The dreams resurfaced in the weeks following Livvie’s kidnapping. I had dismissed them at the time. I knew I was conflicted over many things: My desire to move on with my life. My confusion over Rafiq’s increasing secrecy. The nagging sense of doubt over kidnapping Livvie. The fear I was becoming Narweh. The dreams intensified the more my feelings for Livvie had begun to develop. I denied it then. I see it now.
The nightmares I had after I left Livvie at the U.S.–Mexico border were some of the worst I have ever had. If you know anything about me—and we’ve well established you do—then you can perhaps imagine the horrors I had to choose from. The truth is, I don’t let these things, the horrors of my past, drag me under. Quite the contrary—for so very long, they fueled me. Considering what I’ve been through, I often think I’m very well adjusted. I can handle anything the world throws at me, but for someone who tries to plan his moves ahead of time, uncertainty about my future leaves me disturbed as nothing else.
I thought finding Livvie would give me certainty, but I was learning that happiness also presents new ways to suffer. Misery, I understand. Happiness is terrifying.
Also, Livvie’s words about “other shit” coming to the fore made sense to me. For the first time in my life I didn’t have anything to do. No one had any expectations of me. I had enough money to do anything and go anywhere, but I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I had idle hands. My mind was the proverbial devil’s playground. It seemed as though everything I had kept tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind was escaping into my consciousness.
I breathed a deep sigh of relief when Reed left Spain and Livvie could finally come back to me. I still had the nightmares, but waking up to her warm body made it easier to come back from the anxiety.
***
It was October, and the weather was becoming unpredictable. On some nights it was the perfect excuse to spend hours in bed. Livvie and I f**ked like rabbits—and a few other animals too.
Although Livvie’s presence brought me solace after a nightmare, I hated how weak it made me feel to accept it. Instead, I took to staying up after Livvie went to sleep. I slept while she was out in the world of the living. I still had the dreams, but I didn’t wake up to darkness.
All in all, things were good. Aside from the dreams, I didn’t have anything to complain about. However, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t beginning to get more than a little restless. Livvie had a job, she went to school and had friends. I didn’t have any of those things. Trust me, I wasn’t butt-hurt over it. I didn’t begrudge her those things. It was simply becoming obvious to me that my life was completely different from what I had known. What does a former kidnapper/murderer do in retirement?
After three weeks of idle hands, I decided to buy a car. I bought a 5-Series BMW. It wasn’t as sexy as the Lamborghini, but it did the trick. I could go for long drives and avoid my sterile hotel room. Even when I was out, I kept to myself. Having decided I would be staying in Barcelona indefinitely, I didn’t need or want to draw unnecessary attention toward myself. It was a huge risk just being with Livvie.
It didn’t take long for Livvie’s friends to realize something had changed. She’d all but abandoned them those first three weeks. She worked three nights a week and went to school Monday through Thursday. She spent most of her free time with me.
“So,” Livvie began as we sat down to eat the meal room service had brought up. “Remember when we said we’d take things one day at a time and figure out what we were going to tell people when the time came?” She bit into a piece of asparagus. I swallowed the chunk of steak in my mouth without chewing.
“Yes.”
“Well, I think we should start talking about it. Claudia and Rubi are starting to complain about the amount of time I’m not spending with them.” She smiled at me.
I stabbed a piece of broccoli like it owed me money.
“Why is it their business? You’re an adult. You don’t need their permission to see me.”
“Caleb,” she admonished. “They’re my friends. They’ve been there for me. If you’re going to fit into my life, you’re going to have to find a way to get to know my friends. I can’t keep coming over here every night. It’s exhausting. I have a life!”
“And aren’t you lucky? Good for you.” I shoveled food into my mouth and avoided her eyes. I didn’t know why I was so angry. She’d made a perfectly valid argument and I’d shit on it. Her smile quickly disappeared.
“You know what? How about I just quit my job?” she spat.
I looked up from my plate. Here we go…
“Livvie—”
“No!” She was on a roll. Her eyes screamed of crazy. “It’s perfect! I’ll leave school and cut my friends out of my life. Then you can have me all to yourself! You can keep me in your dark little room and f**k me stupid. You can own me. It’s what you want, isn’t it?”
My rage was a living, breathing monster in my gut and it fed on every word she’d said. I had no doubt she’d been waiting to say those words to me since the night we’d talked on her balcony. Did her words hurt? Yes. But they also excited me. My dick was hard and a familiar thrumming thudded in my ears. I wanted a fight. I needed a fight. I was sick and tired of playing nice. I AM NOT NICE!
I chewed my food slowly and with a smile on my face. I watched Livvie closely. She was trying hard not to crack under the pressure of my silence. Livvie could never handle it—still can’t. I could hear her breathing. Her eyes were narrowed onto my face. If I’d been some little boy her age, I might have worried for my safety. But I’d seen scary, and Livvie just didn’t fit the bill. She was too sweet, too sexy.
“Aren’t you going to f**king respond?” She was taunting me and enjoying it. Her chest rose and fell with gaining speed. I could make out the points of her ni**les through her shirt.
I swallowed my food and sipped from my wine glass. I’d missed the familiarity of pushing Livvie’s buttons. I didn’t want to hurt her. I’d vowed not to hurt her again. It didn’t mean I had to become a pu**y.
“You want a response, Kitten?” Fear flickered just behind her angry stare. She shivered before she could stop it. I took my napkin from my lap and set it on the table. Livvie watched me intently. “Here’s my response.”
I slid my arm across the table. Our plates, glasses, and silverware crashed onto the floor. I stood up just in time to catch Livvie’s arm as she leapt out of her chair and ran toward the door.
“Caleb, no!” she screamed. I put my hand across her mouth and hoisted her with one arm. Her legs kicked out at me viciously. Her teeth bit into my hand. Her nails dug into the flesh of my arm. The pain only spurred me on.
I pressed her body into the wall until she could barely move. She squirmed against me. You might hate me for it, but I loved every second. Then again, I knew I wasn’t going to hurt her—not really. Once I had her immobilized, I whispered into her ear.
“Don’t you think if that’s what I wanted, I wouldn’t just do it?” She whimpered. “It would be easier for me. You’d be mine in every way possible.” I rubbed my c**k between the cheeks of her ass. I almost came in my pants when she groaned. She struggled, but she was barely trying.
“I could keep you chained to the bed. I’d f**k you every night and never let you come. Only good girls get to come, Kitten. Would you be a good girl for me?” I took my hand away from Livvie’s mouth and smoothed her hair back so I could see the side of her face.
