Fear Us
Page 81
What do you say to someone whose father just died?
Are you okay?
Sorry for your loss?
It’s going to be okay?
The real tragedy was in the lack of emotion that followed his death. Keenan and Keiran had both walked away without looking back. The only one who couldn’t seem to get a hold of their emotions was Lake.
Dash had agreed to take Kennedy to our parents’ home for the night, leaving me his car while he hitched a ride with Q. I paced the hall while Keenan and Keiran talked to the doctors searching for something to say.
When someone dies, you grieve. I didn’t know John all that well due to his absence, but he had become someone I could count on for Kennedy in the last four years.
I was so deep in my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed when Keenan approached and stood in front of me, watching.
“Are you okay?” The raspy sound of his voice drew my attention.
“I’m supposed to be asking you that.” He only shrugged, and I watched his emotionless eyes stare back at me blankly. “Keenan… what’s going on in your head?”
“My father just died. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Talk to me. You have to feel something. I know you do.”
“I couldn’t even tell my own father that I loved him before he died and you know why? Because I didn’t. I couldn’t fucking love him. Our history is too ugly. How the hell will I ever be able to love my own kid?”
“Keenan, sometimes it’s not that simple. You’re not your father and Kennedy isn’t you.”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t think that’s a chance I’m willing to take any more.”
And just like that, for the second time in my life, he walked away from me. Only this time, I followed. Right through the hospital doors and into the night.
During a less emotional time in the future, I may wonder why I chased after him. He sped from the hospital grounds, and I struggled to keep Keenan in my sights as I raced behind him. The roads were slippery from rain and traffic seemed to pour from every direction.
He was leaving.
How could he leave?
Why was I trying to stop him?
His father had just died, and without missing a beat, his only thought had been to get away. Maybe it was just for a few hours, but the look in his eyes had sent warning signals to my gut not to let him get away.
The course of this night would lead into forever, and it was up to me to choose the path. Right or wrong. I had to choose.
So I did.
“Come on, Keenan. Please slow down. Slow down. Slow…”
He shot through an intersection just as the light turned red and I had no choice but to floor it so as not to lose him. It was a mistake that became apparent by the blinding lights of an oncoming car, hindering my ability to see even more but it was too late anyway. I had never heard a worse sound than metal crunching and grinding, and there was no greater fear than the fear of falling.
Actually, that was untrue. The feeling like you were going to die was greater. The fear of all you would leave behind by dying was the greatest of them all.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
KEENAN
I NEEDED TO turn around. Something was telling me to turn around, but which would I be listening to if I did—my head or my heart?
Rain poured by the boatload making it hard to see. I sped through the streets heading for the exit out of Six Forks.
My father was dead, and I couldn’t feel a damn thing. Tonight proved how empty I was, and I couldn’t get out of my head how Sheldon looked at me.
Like I was evil, unworthy, and cold. At least that’s how I felt. I couldn’t place the blame on her.
The stoplight up ahead turned yellow and I had to make the choice to stop or speed through. I chose the latter because stopping meant having the chance to look back.
I made it through just as the light turned red and thought I was home free until a series of horns blasted around me. At first, I chalked it up to disgruntled drivers until I looked in the rearview in time to see a car stupidly follow behind me. The car was quickly t-boned and spun out of control until a pole stopped it. Painfully, I watched the car wrap violently around the pole.
There was no way the driver could have survived.
In the space of seconds, the world seemed to stop when I recognized the car. It belonged to Dash, but he had left earlier with Kennedy and caught a ride with Q.
Fuck.
Sheldon.
I jerked the car to the side and hit the ground running. A crowd formed around the wreck, and I had to muscle through to get to her. The car had flipped over and was completely totaled.
Desperation and shame flooded my senses. Sheldon had been chasing after me.
Are you okay?
Sorry for your loss?
It’s going to be okay?
The real tragedy was in the lack of emotion that followed his death. Keenan and Keiran had both walked away without looking back. The only one who couldn’t seem to get a hold of their emotions was Lake.
Dash had agreed to take Kennedy to our parents’ home for the night, leaving me his car while he hitched a ride with Q. I paced the hall while Keenan and Keiran talked to the doctors searching for something to say.
When someone dies, you grieve. I didn’t know John all that well due to his absence, but he had become someone I could count on for Kennedy in the last four years.
I was so deep in my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed when Keenan approached and stood in front of me, watching.
“Are you okay?” The raspy sound of his voice drew my attention.
“I’m supposed to be asking you that.” He only shrugged, and I watched his emotionless eyes stare back at me blankly. “Keenan… what’s going on in your head?”
“My father just died. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Talk to me. You have to feel something. I know you do.”
“I couldn’t even tell my own father that I loved him before he died and you know why? Because I didn’t. I couldn’t fucking love him. Our history is too ugly. How the hell will I ever be able to love my own kid?”
“Keenan, sometimes it’s not that simple. You’re not your father and Kennedy isn’t you.”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t think that’s a chance I’m willing to take any more.”
And just like that, for the second time in my life, he walked away from me. Only this time, I followed. Right through the hospital doors and into the night.
During a less emotional time in the future, I may wonder why I chased after him. He sped from the hospital grounds, and I struggled to keep Keenan in my sights as I raced behind him. The roads were slippery from rain and traffic seemed to pour from every direction.
He was leaving.
How could he leave?
Why was I trying to stop him?
His father had just died, and without missing a beat, his only thought had been to get away. Maybe it was just for a few hours, but the look in his eyes had sent warning signals to my gut not to let him get away.
The course of this night would lead into forever, and it was up to me to choose the path. Right or wrong. I had to choose.
So I did.
“Come on, Keenan. Please slow down. Slow down. Slow…”
He shot through an intersection just as the light turned red and I had no choice but to floor it so as not to lose him. It was a mistake that became apparent by the blinding lights of an oncoming car, hindering my ability to see even more but it was too late anyway. I had never heard a worse sound than metal crunching and grinding, and there was no greater fear than the fear of falling.
Actually, that was untrue. The feeling like you were going to die was greater. The fear of all you would leave behind by dying was the greatest of them all.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
KEENAN
I NEEDED TO turn around. Something was telling me to turn around, but which would I be listening to if I did—my head or my heart?
Rain poured by the boatload making it hard to see. I sped through the streets heading for the exit out of Six Forks.
My father was dead, and I couldn’t feel a damn thing. Tonight proved how empty I was, and I couldn’t get out of my head how Sheldon looked at me.
Like I was evil, unworthy, and cold. At least that’s how I felt. I couldn’t place the blame on her.
The stoplight up ahead turned yellow and I had to make the choice to stop or speed through. I chose the latter because stopping meant having the chance to look back.
I made it through just as the light turned red and thought I was home free until a series of horns blasted around me. At first, I chalked it up to disgruntled drivers until I looked in the rearview in time to see a car stupidly follow behind me. The car was quickly t-boned and spun out of control until a pole stopped it. Painfully, I watched the car wrap violently around the pole.
There was no way the driver could have survived.
In the space of seconds, the world seemed to stop when I recognized the car. It belonged to Dash, but he had left earlier with Kennedy and caught a ride with Q.
Fuck.
Sheldon.
I jerked the car to the side and hit the ground running. A crowd formed around the wreck, and I had to muscle through to get to her. The car had flipped over and was completely totaled.
Desperation and shame flooded my senses. Sheldon had been chasing after me.
