Figure of Speech
Page 35
“What do you think? Should we pack the boobie koozie or not?” Tabby waved it around, horrifying Ryan. “I mean, we wouldn’t want Ryan to go without while he sleeps on the couch. Again.”
“I hate you all.” Ryan grabbed the koozie and threw it in the trash. “Thanks a lot, pal.”
“Anytime, Ryan. Anytime.” Tabby patted him on the arm. “Speaking of hate, how come y’all didn’t beat the shit out of Jimmy-boy yet?”
Alex and Ryan exchanged a glance that set all of Chloe’s senses on alert. “You didn’t.”
“We didn’t.” Alex grimaced. “We planned on it, but we didn’t.”
“Yeah. Although we did threaten his balls if he hurt you.” Ryan grinned. “Good times.”
“I still want to know why you have so many koozies.” Tabby put her can of soda into one that Chloe had gotten at school.
“You threatened to beat up Jim?” Chloe crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Ryan and Alex.
“Are you having frat parties and not inviting me?” Tabby sipped her caffeine-free soda.
“Yes, Tabby. It’s all orgies, boobie koozies and Dorito breath twenty-four/seven around here,” Chloe deadpanned.
“Hah! I knew it.” Tabby picked the boob koozie out of the trash and squished one of the boobs. “You know, I think these are fake.”
Alex smiled at his mate, the expression so sappy Chloe gagged. “I—”
Whatever her cousin was going to say was interrupted by the doorbell. “I’ve got it.” Chloe opened the door without looking through the peephole first, earning herself some growls from her relatives. It didn’t matter, though, as Chloe knew who was on the other side. “Hey, Jim.”
“Hello, sweetheart.” Jim kissed her softly and entered her apartment. “How’s the packing going?”
“Good. We’re almond done.”
Jim froze, his head tilted as he stared at Tabby. “Chloe?”
“Hmm?”
He had the most adorable look of confusion on his face as he asked, “Why is she squeezing a koozie boob?”
“Don’t ask me, ask her.” Chloe pushed past her mate. “Ryan, have you seen my elephant?”
Jim’s gaze slowly panned to her. “Elephant?”
“It’s not an elephant, it’s Jabba the Hutt with the world’s ugliest erection.” Ryan shuddered. “And it’s in the box over there.”
Chloe snarled. “The one marked trash?”
Ryan nodded vigorously. “Don’t let her take it, man. Don’t let her take it.”
Chloe lifted her elephant out of the trash bin and cooed. “Hello, little fella.”
“Little fella?” Jim’s eyes went wide. “Holy fuck, it does look like an erect Jabba.” Jim tilted his head, his lips quirking into a small smile. “I never thought of Jabba getting a chubby before.”
“It’s not Jabba, it’s an elephant.” Chloe’d had this argument before. “See the ears?”
It was like she hadn’t spoken at all, because Jim decided to give them an education on penile placement in the animal world. “Anatomically speaking there are a number of species here on earth that have a penis on their face, like the land snail. There’s also a fish in Asia with a penis under its chin.”
Ryan and Alex shared a horrified look. “So Jabba puts his face near your crotch?” Alex shivered. “No wonder he liked licking Leia so much.”
“Was he licking her, or was he…?” Jim waggled his brows.
Alex gagged. “That is so wrong.”
“Gives the term giving head a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?”
Ryan widened his eyes. “Hell no. Jabba ain’t licking my face.”
“Or having sex with it?” Jim reached out and poked the elephant’s trunk, ignoring Chloe’s low growl.
“Face sex with Jabba the Hutt.” Alex choked. “No. Way.”
“He could like butt sex. That’s how sea pigs do it.” Jim stared at the elephant as his grin grew wider. “Think Hutt butt sex. With a love dart.”
Ryan and Alex both covered their behinds, no doubt protecting their virginity from her ceramic elephant. “Love dart?” Alex looked ready to smash her elephant to bits, possibly looking for a “love dart.”
Ryan backed up until his butt was against the wall. “I tell you, Jimmy, I’m protecting your ass here.”
“Yeah. Don’t allow that thing in your house.” Alex put his rear against the wall right next to Ryan’s. “It’s evil.”
“Evil in the I-want-to-make-with-the-Hutt-butt-sex way.” Ryan gagged.
Glory came into the room and stopped dead at the sight of Chloe’s elephant. “What is that? It looks like a mutated blob fish with a penis on its head.”
“It does not.” Chloe glared at Glory, cradling her elephant to her chest. “They don’t mean it, you poor baby, you.”
“Yes. Yes, we do.” Ryan made the sign of the cross with his fingers. “Keep that thing away from me.”
“It can’t be that ba— Jesus Christ on a pogo stick!” Tabby, who’d waddled from behind Glory to get a better look at the statue, reared back in shock. “Someone stuck a penis on intestines.”
The room erupted in laughter as Tabby stared in horror at Chloe’s beloved elephant. “Jim.”
He cleared his throat. “Your blob penis is lovely, Chloe. I know just where to put it in our new house.”
“Under six feet of concrete?” Ryan muttered.
“Sprinkled with holy water?” Alex added.
“It’s not that bad.” Chloe stroked her elephant. “Shh. It’s all right. No one will hurt you.”
Tabby took a step back. “It’s like watching a Stephen King novel come to life. Next thing you know it will be whispering to her in the darkness about it’s the only thing in the world that loves her and she needs to move to Maine or something.”
“I feel sorry for people who live in Maine.” Glory plopped down on Chloe’s sofa. “Killer clowns, aliens in the woods, ancient wizards…” Glory smiled. “You know, now that I think about it, it sounds kind of interesting.”
“I hate you all.” Ryan grabbed the koozie and threw it in the trash. “Thanks a lot, pal.”
“Anytime, Ryan. Anytime.” Tabby patted him on the arm. “Speaking of hate, how come y’all didn’t beat the shit out of Jimmy-boy yet?”
Alex and Ryan exchanged a glance that set all of Chloe’s senses on alert. “You didn’t.”
“We didn’t.” Alex grimaced. “We planned on it, but we didn’t.”
“Yeah. Although we did threaten his balls if he hurt you.” Ryan grinned. “Good times.”
“I still want to know why you have so many koozies.” Tabby put her can of soda into one that Chloe had gotten at school.
“You threatened to beat up Jim?” Chloe crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Ryan and Alex.
“Are you having frat parties and not inviting me?” Tabby sipped her caffeine-free soda.
“Yes, Tabby. It’s all orgies, boobie koozies and Dorito breath twenty-four/seven around here,” Chloe deadpanned.
“Hah! I knew it.” Tabby picked the boob koozie out of the trash and squished one of the boobs. “You know, I think these are fake.”
Alex smiled at his mate, the expression so sappy Chloe gagged. “I—”
Whatever her cousin was going to say was interrupted by the doorbell. “I’ve got it.” Chloe opened the door without looking through the peephole first, earning herself some growls from her relatives. It didn’t matter, though, as Chloe knew who was on the other side. “Hey, Jim.”
“Hello, sweetheart.” Jim kissed her softly and entered her apartment. “How’s the packing going?”
“Good. We’re almond done.”
Jim froze, his head tilted as he stared at Tabby. “Chloe?”
“Hmm?”
He had the most adorable look of confusion on his face as he asked, “Why is she squeezing a koozie boob?”
“Don’t ask me, ask her.” Chloe pushed past her mate. “Ryan, have you seen my elephant?”
Jim’s gaze slowly panned to her. “Elephant?”
“It’s not an elephant, it’s Jabba the Hutt with the world’s ugliest erection.” Ryan shuddered. “And it’s in the box over there.”
Chloe snarled. “The one marked trash?”
Ryan nodded vigorously. “Don’t let her take it, man. Don’t let her take it.”
Chloe lifted her elephant out of the trash bin and cooed. “Hello, little fella.”
“Little fella?” Jim’s eyes went wide. “Holy fuck, it does look like an erect Jabba.” Jim tilted his head, his lips quirking into a small smile. “I never thought of Jabba getting a chubby before.”
“It’s not Jabba, it’s an elephant.” Chloe’d had this argument before. “See the ears?”
It was like she hadn’t spoken at all, because Jim decided to give them an education on penile placement in the animal world. “Anatomically speaking there are a number of species here on earth that have a penis on their face, like the land snail. There’s also a fish in Asia with a penis under its chin.”
Ryan and Alex shared a horrified look. “So Jabba puts his face near your crotch?” Alex shivered. “No wonder he liked licking Leia so much.”
“Was he licking her, or was he…?” Jim waggled his brows.
Alex gagged. “That is so wrong.”
“Gives the term giving head a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?”
Ryan widened his eyes. “Hell no. Jabba ain’t licking my face.”
“Or having sex with it?” Jim reached out and poked the elephant’s trunk, ignoring Chloe’s low growl.
“Face sex with Jabba the Hutt.” Alex choked. “No. Way.”
“He could like butt sex. That’s how sea pigs do it.” Jim stared at the elephant as his grin grew wider. “Think Hutt butt sex. With a love dart.”
Ryan and Alex both covered their behinds, no doubt protecting their virginity from her ceramic elephant. “Love dart?” Alex looked ready to smash her elephant to bits, possibly looking for a “love dart.”
Ryan backed up until his butt was against the wall. “I tell you, Jimmy, I’m protecting your ass here.”
“Yeah. Don’t allow that thing in your house.” Alex put his rear against the wall right next to Ryan’s. “It’s evil.”
“Evil in the I-want-to-make-with-the-Hutt-butt-sex way.” Ryan gagged.
Glory came into the room and stopped dead at the sight of Chloe’s elephant. “What is that? It looks like a mutated blob fish with a penis on its head.”
“It does not.” Chloe glared at Glory, cradling her elephant to her chest. “They don’t mean it, you poor baby, you.”
“Yes. Yes, we do.” Ryan made the sign of the cross with his fingers. “Keep that thing away from me.”
“It can’t be that ba— Jesus Christ on a pogo stick!” Tabby, who’d waddled from behind Glory to get a better look at the statue, reared back in shock. “Someone stuck a penis on intestines.”
The room erupted in laughter as Tabby stared in horror at Chloe’s beloved elephant. “Jim.”
He cleared his throat. “Your blob penis is lovely, Chloe. I know just where to put it in our new house.”
“Under six feet of concrete?” Ryan muttered.
“Sprinkled with holy water?” Alex added.
“It’s not that bad.” Chloe stroked her elephant. “Shh. It’s all right. No one will hurt you.”
Tabby took a step back. “It’s like watching a Stephen King novel come to life. Next thing you know it will be whispering to her in the darkness about it’s the only thing in the world that loves her and she needs to move to Maine or something.”
“I feel sorry for people who live in Maine.” Glory plopped down on Chloe’s sofa. “Killer clowns, aliens in the woods, ancient wizards…” Glory smiled. “You know, now that I think about it, it sounds kind of interesting.”
