Figure of Speech
Page 36
Alex turned to Ryan. “When you and your goofy mate move to Maine can you take the creepy blob with you? It would fit right in.”
Tabby waddled over and shoved the koozie over the elephant’s trunk, then turned to the men. “Better?”
“I think I might be scarred for life,” Ryan gagged.
“Guh.” Alex stared in horror at the elephant. “For two whole seconds I didn’t want to touch boobs.”
Jim, his eyes shielded behind one hand, flailed at Chloe until he knocked the koozie off the elephant’s trunk. “Is it gone yet? Tell me it’s gone.”
“And here I thought boobs made everything better.” Ryan still looked repulsed. “I have now learned that they do not.”
“My whole world is spinning,” Alex muttered sadly. “I’m not sure I can survive this.”
“If boobs no longer make things better, does that mean we’re gay?” Jim joined Ryan and Alex against the wall. “Are we going to be looking at pictures of half-naked cowboys and getting boners?”
Just as the front door opened, Ryan yelled out, “I do not want to have Hutt face butt sex!”
Julian turned to Cyn. “See? I told you they were here.”
Cyn strolled into the apartment ahead of her mate. “What the hell are you all yelling about?”
The three men pointed toward Chloe’s elephant.
Cyn stared, her head tilted to the side. “Oh.”
“What do you think it is?” Perhaps Chloe had one ally in her apartment. Chloe adored her elephant and wouldn’t get rid of it no matter what anyone said, even Jim.
“A hairless proboscis monkey that died in a horrible limb-mangling accident? Maybe a naked mole rat with the world’s ugliest dildo strapped to its face?”
“I give up.” Chloe put her elephant into the box marked Living Room, ignoring Jim’s muttered pleas to put it out of its misery.
Julian plucked it right back out. “Wow. It looks like an aye-aye and an elephant seal had babies. Really hideous ones.”
She snatched her elephant back. “You all suck.”
Julian put his hand on his chest. “Hey, now. I’m not the one toting around a ceramic ball sac with ears.”
Chloe snarled and put the elephant in the charity box. “Happy now?”
The cheers were bad enough, but when they started dancing she decided they were all dicks. No pun intended.
When Jim’s phone rang he stepped out of Chloe’s apartment to answer it. The volume those Foxes and Bears could put out was simply overwhelming. There was no way he’d be able to hear his call, even with his enhanced hearing.
Without looking at the caller ID he answered, thinking it was Irene. She had the clinic today so Jim could assist in Chloe’s apartment packing. While it meant he’d have the next two Saturdays it had been worth it just to see Chloe playing with her friends. “Hello?”
“Your father is trying to deny me alimony.”
He sagged against the wall, cursing himself for not double-checking the caller ID. “Hello, Mother.”
“How can he deny me alimony? I worked for that man, cleaned his home, made his meals, dealt with you, and now he doesn’t want to pay me for that?”
Jim desperately wanted to hang up, but that would only bring a bigger rant down on his head than the one she was gearing up for. “Thanks, Mother.”
“For?”
He sighed. She sounded genuinely confused, as if she couldn’t understand why he’d be upset. “Nothing.”
“Jim.” The stern tone of her voice didn’t bode well for the rest of the conversation. “You need to tell your father that he owes me.”
He almost laughed. “I don’t talk to him anymore, remember? I haven’t spoken to him since—” Ugh. Damn it. The last thing he wanted to do was bring up Spencer, but it was too late.
“Since you decided to visit his spawn?”
Jim kept his mouth shut. Maybe he could put the phone on mute and rejoin his friends. She’d never know the difference, and he’d get a more peaceful afternoon.
“Jim? Answer me!”
Or not. “Yes, Mother.”
“Don’t ‘yes, Mother’ me in that tone, young man. Do you know how many hours of labor I was in?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“I swear, you’re worse than your father. You don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself.”
“Excuse me?” Jim practically launched himself from the wall he’d been leaning against. “I’m not the one who cheated, I’m not the one who calls their adult son to nag, and I’m not the one who’s being an ass right now.”
“James—”
“I’m also not the one who lied about the condition of her son’s girlfriend.” Jim was still pissed about that, but he hadn’t had time to confront her over it. “How dare you tell me she was fine just to hurt me?”
“Oh, please. With as many women as you go through I’m surprised you remember her name.”
He took the phone from his ear and stared at it for a moment before yelling into it, “That’s Dad!” Jim was beyond done. If any more of his mother’s vitriol spilled over onto Chloe, he’d be seriously pissed. “Listen to me, Mother. I’m done. I have listened to you rant and rave about my father, and I agreed that he shouldn’t have cheated. He shouldn’t have hidden Spencer from you.” He ignored her snarl of rage and continued. “But I’m not Dad. I didn’t cheat, I don’t owe you alimony, and I’m sick and tired of being the one you hurt because he won’t pick up his fucking phone.”
“Jim?”
He turned mid-rant at the sound of his mate’s voice. Just her scent calmed him. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Go back inside.”
“Are you sure?”
He ignored his mother yelling into the phone and focused instead on Chloe. “I’m sure.”
“Okay. I’m here if you need me, beau.”
“James! Is that another one of your girlfriends?”
Jim froze at the look on Chloe’s face. She hid the pain quickly, but it was too late. She darted back into the apartment like her ass was on fire, shutting the door quietly behind her. “Mother?”
“What?”
“You just insulted the woman I plan on marrying. Don’t call me for a while, all right? I really don’t want to hear anything more from you.” He didn’t wait for the reply. For once, he hung up on her.
Tabby waddled over and shoved the koozie over the elephant’s trunk, then turned to the men. “Better?”
“I think I might be scarred for life,” Ryan gagged.
“Guh.” Alex stared in horror at the elephant. “For two whole seconds I didn’t want to touch boobs.”
Jim, his eyes shielded behind one hand, flailed at Chloe until he knocked the koozie off the elephant’s trunk. “Is it gone yet? Tell me it’s gone.”
“And here I thought boobs made everything better.” Ryan still looked repulsed. “I have now learned that they do not.”
“My whole world is spinning,” Alex muttered sadly. “I’m not sure I can survive this.”
“If boobs no longer make things better, does that mean we’re gay?” Jim joined Ryan and Alex against the wall. “Are we going to be looking at pictures of half-naked cowboys and getting boners?”
Just as the front door opened, Ryan yelled out, “I do not want to have Hutt face butt sex!”
Julian turned to Cyn. “See? I told you they were here.”
Cyn strolled into the apartment ahead of her mate. “What the hell are you all yelling about?”
The three men pointed toward Chloe’s elephant.
Cyn stared, her head tilted to the side. “Oh.”
“What do you think it is?” Perhaps Chloe had one ally in her apartment. Chloe adored her elephant and wouldn’t get rid of it no matter what anyone said, even Jim.
“A hairless proboscis monkey that died in a horrible limb-mangling accident? Maybe a naked mole rat with the world’s ugliest dildo strapped to its face?”
“I give up.” Chloe put her elephant into the box marked Living Room, ignoring Jim’s muttered pleas to put it out of its misery.
Julian plucked it right back out. “Wow. It looks like an aye-aye and an elephant seal had babies. Really hideous ones.”
She snatched her elephant back. “You all suck.”
Julian put his hand on his chest. “Hey, now. I’m not the one toting around a ceramic ball sac with ears.”
Chloe snarled and put the elephant in the charity box. “Happy now?”
The cheers were bad enough, but when they started dancing she decided they were all dicks. No pun intended.
When Jim’s phone rang he stepped out of Chloe’s apartment to answer it. The volume those Foxes and Bears could put out was simply overwhelming. There was no way he’d be able to hear his call, even with his enhanced hearing.
Without looking at the caller ID he answered, thinking it was Irene. She had the clinic today so Jim could assist in Chloe’s apartment packing. While it meant he’d have the next two Saturdays it had been worth it just to see Chloe playing with her friends. “Hello?”
“Your father is trying to deny me alimony.”
He sagged against the wall, cursing himself for not double-checking the caller ID. “Hello, Mother.”
“How can he deny me alimony? I worked for that man, cleaned his home, made his meals, dealt with you, and now he doesn’t want to pay me for that?”
Jim desperately wanted to hang up, but that would only bring a bigger rant down on his head than the one she was gearing up for. “Thanks, Mother.”
“For?”
He sighed. She sounded genuinely confused, as if she couldn’t understand why he’d be upset. “Nothing.”
“Jim.” The stern tone of her voice didn’t bode well for the rest of the conversation. “You need to tell your father that he owes me.”
He almost laughed. “I don’t talk to him anymore, remember? I haven’t spoken to him since—” Ugh. Damn it. The last thing he wanted to do was bring up Spencer, but it was too late.
“Since you decided to visit his spawn?”
Jim kept his mouth shut. Maybe he could put the phone on mute and rejoin his friends. She’d never know the difference, and he’d get a more peaceful afternoon.
“Jim? Answer me!”
Or not. “Yes, Mother.”
“Don’t ‘yes, Mother’ me in that tone, young man. Do you know how many hours of labor I was in?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“I swear, you’re worse than your father. You don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself.”
“Excuse me?” Jim practically launched himself from the wall he’d been leaning against. “I’m not the one who cheated, I’m not the one who calls their adult son to nag, and I’m not the one who’s being an ass right now.”
“James—”
“I’m also not the one who lied about the condition of her son’s girlfriend.” Jim was still pissed about that, but he hadn’t had time to confront her over it. “How dare you tell me she was fine just to hurt me?”
“Oh, please. With as many women as you go through I’m surprised you remember her name.”
He took the phone from his ear and stared at it for a moment before yelling into it, “That’s Dad!” Jim was beyond done. If any more of his mother’s vitriol spilled over onto Chloe, he’d be seriously pissed. “Listen to me, Mother. I’m done. I have listened to you rant and rave about my father, and I agreed that he shouldn’t have cheated. He shouldn’t have hidden Spencer from you.” He ignored her snarl of rage and continued. “But I’m not Dad. I didn’t cheat, I don’t owe you alimony, and I’m sick and tired of being the one you hurt because he won’t pick up his fucking phone.”
“Jim?”
He turned mid-rant at the sound of his mate’s voice. Just her scent calmed him. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Go back inside.”
“Are you sure?”
He ignored his mother yelling into the phone and focused instead on Chloe. “I’m sure.”
“Okay. I’m here if you need me, beau.”
“James! Is that another one of your girlfriends?”
Jim froze at the look on Chloe’s face. She hid the pain quickly, but it was too late. She darted back into the apartment like her ass was on fire, shutting the door quietly behind her. “Mother?”
“What?”
“You just insulted the woman I plan on marrying. Don’t call me for a while, all right? I really don’t want to hear anything more from you.” He didn’t wait for the reply. For once, he hung up on her.
