Find You in the Dark
Page 82
Maybe, just maybe, I could share with her everything that was going on with Clay and she'd have some advice, a suggestion or two. And I wouldn't feel so freaking alone in all this mess.
But her next statement blew my little fantasy out of the water.
“But you have to stop getting so worked up over that boy. He is nothing but trouble. Look at yourself, Maggie May. Look at who you've become. I think you need to really think about the way he has completely taken over your life. Is this thing you have with him really worth saving?” Her psychobabble made me want to gouge my eyes out. Or hers. Whichever came first.
I covered my face with my hands and screamed in frustration. “Are you serious?” I screeched. I lept to my feet. “This is total bullshit! Nobody has taken over my life. Your Clay paranoia is ridiculous! Have you ever thought that maybe I'm just changing? God forbid that I'm not your perfect little girl anymore. That I have feelings that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you and dad?! My life is mine! And I'm sick of your insane need to control it!” My mom opened her mouth to say something, probably to scold me for cursing, but I kept on going.
“You are the ones driving me crazy and creating all of this drama. So please, just give it a rest.” My anger dissipated and only exhaustion remained. If there was one thing this little pow-wow accomplished, was making a decision about Clay crystal f**king clear.
I wouldn't turn my back on him the way everyone else always had. He needed me and that was more important that my parents' anger and disappointment. But I couldn't argue about this with them anymore. I was done. This would not be a topic of conversation between us anymore.
My mom's mouth hung open and she was for once at a loss for words. She took a deep breath and looked at me as if I had morphed into a mutant. She stood up and looked at me as though trying to see the daughter she used to know inside me somewhere.
“I don’t even know the person you've become, Maggie May. This person.” She waved her hand toward me. “Is angry and bitter and way too invested in some high school romance that in no way defines the rest of your life. Wake up!. Get yourself together.” My mother said coldly. I knew this was her idea of tough love, but I was having none of it.
I sagged to the floor, my legs not supporting my weight any longer. I didn’t have anything else to say. I was all out of words. I couldn't convince someone that was way passed convincing. My mom walked to the door and turned back around to look at me again. Her expression had changed to one of worry. And I could see how much she ached for my pain. But I also saw her grim resolve and how, in her mind, she truly knew what was best for me.
“Clay is not what's best for you, Maggie. I know he's not a bad kid. In fact, I can see a lot of what you love about him. But he is leading you down a very bad path, one that you may not be able to turn away from. Sometimes, love can't make everything better, and the best thing for everyone is to walk away. No matter how much it may hurt.”
My heart constricted at her words. They resonated inside me and I had a hard time catching my breath. But then my anger surged forth again and I looked at her with all the rage I had been feeling. “What do you know about Clay and me?! You know NOTHING!” I spat hatefully.
My mom actually flinched at the venom I threw at her. I was being an ungrateful little bitch and I knew it. But my priorities in life had significantly changed and my parents and their need to keep me safe was not one of them.
Without another word, my mom left, looking heartbroken. But I was done feeling guilty about all of this. I flopped back on my bed, wanting desperately to sleep. Rest evaded me and I lay there, staring at my ceiling and wondered how my life had gotten so messed up.
Chapter Twenty-One
I didn't go down for dinner, refusing to leave my room, even after my dad came up and offered to bring me something to eat. I wouldn't go down stairs and pretend life was honky dory when it was all a lie. So I holed up in my room, playing depressing indie rock and staring at the drawings Clay had given me over the last few months.
The words he had written burned into my brain and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I thought over and over again about the look on his face when I left him this afternoon. He looked like I was killing him.
Why did things have to get so out of control? I replayed things in a continuous loop in my head. The first time I met Clay. The Fall Formal. The way he held me the first time we said 'I love you.' Falling asleep in his arms at the cabin.
But then those warm memories become tainted by the dark ones. The night of Melissa's party. His breakdown on his bedroom floor. His constant anger and jealousy. Finding him cutting.
Though none of that changed what I felt deep down. I loved him with every fiber of my being. And I felt like I had failed him. He had warned me that he pushed and pushed to see if I would stick. And I hadn't. I had allowed him to shove me right out of his life without fighting.
And what Clay needed was someone to fight for him.
I waited until I knew my parents had gone to bed before I left my room to get a shower. I wanted to avoid any further confrontations. Back in my room, I changed into my favorite flannel pajamas and turned on Pink Floyd. I needed something to soothe my frazzled nerves.
I lay down on my bed and within five minutes I was asleep.
I wasn't sure exactly what woke me up. One minute I was in a dead sleep, the next I was startled awake. My room was pitch black, except for the soft glow of the street light. My music had turned off and everything was eerily silent.
But her next statement blew my little fantasy out of the water.
“But you have to stop getting so worked up over that boy. He is nothing but trouble. Look at yourself, Maggie May. Look at who you've become. I think you need to really think about the way he has completely taken over your life. Is this thing you have with him really worth saving?” Her psychobabble made me want to gouge my eyes out. Or hers. Whichever came first.
I covered my face with my hands and screamed in frustration. “Are you serious?” I screeched. I lept to my feet. “This is total bullshit! Nobody has taken over my life. Your Clay paranoia is ridiculous! Have you ever thought that maybe I'm just changing? God forbid that I'm not your perfect little girl anymore. That I have feelings that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you and dad?! My life is mine! And I'm sick of your insane need to control it!” My mom opened her mouth to say something, probably to scold me for cursing, but I kept on going.
“You are the ones driving me crazy and creating all of this drama. So please, just give it a rest.” My anger dissipated and only exhaustion remained. If there was one thing this little pow-wow accomplished, was making a decision about Clay crystal f**king clear.
I wouldn't turn my back on him the way everyone else always had. He needed me and that was more important that my parents' anger and disappointment. But I couldn't argue about this with them anymore. I was done. This would not be a topic of conversation between us anymore.
My mom's mouth hung open and she was for once at a loss for words. She took a deep breath and looked at me as if I had morphed into a mutant. She stood up and looked at me as though trying to see the daughter she used to know inside me somewhere.
“I don’t even know the person you've become, Maggie May. This person.” She waved her hand toward me. “Is angry and bitter and way too invested in some high school romance that in no way defines the rest of your life. Wake up!. Get yourself together.” My mother said coldly. I knew this was her idea of tough love, but I was having none of it.
I sagged to the floor, my legs not supporting my weight any longer. I didn’t have anything else to say. I was all out of words. I couldn't convince someone that was way passed convincing. My mom walked to the door and turned back around to look at me again. Her expression had changed to one of worry. And I could see how much she ached for my pain. But I also saw her grim resolve and how, in her mind, she truly knew what was best for me.
“Clay is not what's best for you, Maggie. I know he's not a bad kid. In fact, I can see a lot of what you love about him. But he is leading you down a very bad path, one that you may not be able to turn away from. Sometimes, love can't make everything better, and the best thing for everyone is to walk away. No matter how much it may hurt.”
My heart constricted at her words. They resonated inside me and I had a hard time catching my breath. But then my anger surged forth again and I looked at her with all the rage I had been feeling. “What do you know about Clay and me?! You know NOTHING!” I spat hatefully.
My mom actually flinched at the venom I threw at her. I was being an ungrateful little bitch and I knew it. But my priorities in life had significantly changed and my parents and their need to keep me safe was not one of them.
Without another word, my mom left, looking heartbroken. But I was done feeling guilty about all of this. I flopped back on my bed, wanting desperately to sleep. Rest evaded me and I lay there, staring at my ceiling and wondered how my life had gotten so messed up.
Chapter Twenty-One
I didn't go down for dinner, refusing to leave my room, even after my dad came up and offered to bring me something to eat. I wouldn't go down stairs and pretend life was honky dory when it was all a lie. So I holed up in my room, playing depressing indie rock and staring at the drawings Clay had given me over the last few months.
The words he had written burned into my brain and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I thought over and over again about the look on his face when I left him this afternoon. He looked like I was killing him.
Why did things have to get so out of control? I replayed things in a continuous loop in my head. The first time I met Clay. The Fall Formal. The way he held me the first time we said 'I love you.' Falling asleep in his arms at the cabin.
But then those warm memories become tainted by the dark ones. The night of Melissa's party. His breakdown on his bedroom floor. His constant anger and jealousy. Finding him cutting.
Though none of that changed what I felt deep down. I loved him with every fiber of my being. And I felt like I had failed him. He had warned me that he pushed and pushed to see if I would stick. And I hadn't. I had allowed him to shove me right out of his life without fighting.
And what Clay needed was someone to fight for him.
I waited until I knew my parents had gone to bed before I left my room to get a shower. I wanted to avoid any further confrontations. Back in my room, I changed into my favorite flannel pajamas and turned on Pink Floyd. I needed something to soothe my frazzled nerves.
I lay down on my bed and within five minutes I was asleep.
I wasn't sure exactly what woke me up. One minute I was in a dead sleep, the next I was startled awake. My room was pitch black, except for the soft glow of the street light. My music had turned off and everything was eerily silent.
