Find You in the Dark
Page 83
My eyes adjusted to blackness and my heart stopped in my chest. Clay was sat on the end of my bed. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. I had to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. “Clay?” I whispered, still not believing he was there.
“Hi, Maggie.” He said softly. I could barely see his face in the shadow. I sat up and scooted down my bed until I sat beside him. I looked at him closely and could see his eyes were bloodshot and tired.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him, careful to keep my voice low so as to not wake up my parents. Clay didn't say anything. He sat there, staring at me as though he were trying to memorize my face. Like he was scared to forget me. “What's going on? You're freaking me out.” I told him with a nervous giggle.
Clay reached out and wrapped a piece of my hair around his finger and then dropped it. “I just had to see you one last time.” He whispered. One last time? My stomach flipped over. “What do you mean? Are you going somewhere?” I asked him, watching as he took one of my hands in his and laced our fingers together.
Clay ignored my question and looked into my eyes again. “I love you. So much. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. You never deserved any of that. I just wanted you to know how much I hate myself for all of the shit I threw at you. You did nothing but love and support me. God, I just love you. More than anything! I told you before that you were my forever. And I will love you that long. I promise.” His words sounded suspiciously like a goodbye.
I was confused and more than a little numb. Clay leaned forward and I felt his lips on mine. He tangled his hands into my hair and pulled me against him with a force that surprised me. His kiss was hungry as though he would devour me.
Our tongues slid together and Clay's hands were hot on my back. Finally, Clay pulled back and cupped my face in his palm. “I have to go.” He murmured, leaning in again to kiss the corner of my mouth.
My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed my neck and shoulder. “Go? Go where?” I asked breathlessly. Clay stopped kissing me and rested his forehead at the base of my throat. “After you left me this evening, I went home.” He began. I could hear the pain in his voice and I felt compelled to wrap my arms around him.
Clay took a shaky breath and continued. “They were there. They're always there. But tonight, it was too much. I just couldn't deal with their shit. Ruby and Lisa were there too, but that didn't matter. They started on me as soon as I got in the door. Talking about how they had gotten a call from the school about all of my unexcused absences. That I was in danger of failing three of my classes. Then she started screaming at me that I was an embarrassment and a burden.” I heard the catch in Clay's throat.
I wanted to kill his parents. His mother was a heartless bitch. How could she tear her son down so callously? All of his problems, all of his issues, every single one of them was because of them. They were to blame and no one else.
Clay sat back and the hopelessness in his eyes frightened me. He gripped my hands as if he would fall away. “What did Lisa and Ruby do? Did they let them yell at you like that?” I asked. I felt suddenly pissed at his aunt and her girlfriend. They continued to allow those horrible people to treat Clay like he was garbage. Why the hell didn't they intervene?
Clay shook his head as though reading my thoughts. “Ruby tried to stop her. She really did. Lisa argued with them. Ruby threatened to call the police to have them removed from their house. Yeah, that's a joke. My mother just said she'd take me with them. That shut Ruby up pretty quickly.” Clay sighed.
“Then my mom told me to pack my bags.” He said, all emotion leaving his voice. I stilled. “Pack your bags? Why?” I asked. Clay looked at me with a heartbreaking sadness. “Because she has been in contact with my doctor back in Florida and they had decided I needed to be checked back into the treatment facility. They want to lock me away again. But this time it won't be for a ninety day program. Nope. This will be a long term deal. They had planned to make me leave tonight.”
I thought I was going to throw up in his lap. He was leaving. For good. Suddenly, my need for time and space seemed stupid. I was losing him.
“Oh my God.” I said in a hushed voice. Clay held my face again and pulled me closer. He kissed my mouth again with aching tenderness. “I'm not going.” He said adamantly. I blinked in confusion. “You're not? But I thought your parents had control over that stuff. I mean, what choice do you have?” I asked him.
Clay threaded his fingers through my hair. “I'm not going. I won't let them shut me away like a damn dog. I'm leaving. Tonight.” He said and I stilled. “Where will you go?” I asked, feeling the panic of our situation grip me tightly.
“I don't know. I just know that I have to get out of here. But I wanted to see you again. I needed you to know that I love you. There was no way I could take off without seeing your face and letting you know that my heart is yours. Always.”
He was leaving. This was it. Everything we had was coming to an end in my bedroom. Who knew when I'd see him again? If ever.
Clay gently touched the butterfly I still wore around my neck. “You are my butterfly, baby.” He whispered before pulling me back into his arms. I could feel his tension as he held me. I was taken over by an all consuming panic at the thought of him leaving me behind. How could I go on with my life without him? That just didn't seem possible.
So I made a spur of the moment decision.
“Hi, Maggie.” He said softly. I could barely see his face in the shadow. I sat up and scooted down my bed until I sat beside him. I looked at him closely and could see his eyes were bloodshot and tired.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him, careful to keep my voice low so as to not wake up my parents. Clay didn't say anything. He sat there, staring at me as though he were trying to memorize my face. Like he was scared to forget me. “What's going on? You're freaking me out.” I told him with a nervous giggle.
Clay reached out and wrapped a piece of my hair around his finger and then dropped it. “I just had to see you one last time.” He whispered. One last time? My stomach flipped over. “What do you mean? Are you going somewhere?” I asked him, watching as he took one of my hands in his and laced our fingers together.
Clay ignored my question and looked into my eyes again. “I love you. So much. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. You never deserved any of that. I just wanted you to know how much I hate myself for all of the shit I threw at you. You did nothing but love and support me. God, I just love you. More than anything! I told you before that you were my forever. And I will love you that long. I promise.” His words sounded suspiciously like a goodbye.
I was confused and more than a little numb. Clay leaned forward and I felt his lips on mine. He tangled his hands into my hair and pulled me against him with a force that surprised me. His kiss was hungry as though he would devour me.
Our tongues slid together and Clay's hands were hot on my back. Finally, Clay pulled back and cupped my face in his palm. “I have to go.” He murmured, leaning in again to kiss the corner of my mouth.
My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed my neck and shoulder. “Go? Go where?” I asked breathlessly. Clay stopped kissing me and rested his forehead at the base of my throat. “After you left me this evening, I went home.” He began. I could hear the pain in his voice and I felt compelled to wrap my arms around him.
Clay took a shaky breath and continued. “They were there. They're always there. But tonight, it was too much. I just couldn't deal with their shit. Ruby and Lisa were there too, but that didn't matter. They started on me as soon as I got in the door. Talking about how they had gotten a call from the school about all of my unexcused absences. That I was in danger of failing three of my classes. Then she started screaming at me that I was an embarrassment and a burden.” I heard the catch in Clay's throat.
I wanted to kill his parents. His mother was a heartless bitch. How could she tear her son down so callously? All of his problems, all of his issues, every single one of them was because of them. They were to blame and no one else.
Clay sat back and the hopelessness in his eyes frightened me. He gripped my hands as if he would fall away. “What did Lisa and Ruby do? Did they let them yell at you like that?” I asked. I felt suddenly pissed at his aunt and her girlfriend. They continued to allow those horrible people to treat Clay like he was garbage. Why the hell didn't they intervene?
Clay shook his head as though reading my thoughts. “Ruby tried to stop her. She really did. Lisa argued with them. Ruby threatened to call the police to have them removed from their house. Yeah, that's a joke. My mother just said she'd take me with them. That shut Ruby up pretty quickly.” Clay sighed.
“Then my mom told me to pack my bags.” He said, all emotion leaving his voice. I stilled. “Pack your bags? Why?” I asked. Clay looked at me with a heartbreaking sadness. “Because she has been in contact with my doctor back in Florida and they had decided I needed to be checked back into the treatment facility. They want to lock me away again. But this time it won't be for a ninety day program. Nope. This will be a long term deal. They had planned to make me leave tonight.”
I thought I was going to throw up in his lap. He was leaving. For good. Suddenly, my need for time and space seemed stupid. I was losing him.
“Oh my God.” I said in a hushed voice. Clay held my face again and pulled me closer. He kissed my mouth again with aching tenderness. “I'm not going.” He said adamantly. I blinked in confusion. “You're not? But I thought your parents had control over that stuff. I mean, what choice do you have?” I asked him.
Clay threaded his fingers through my hair. “I'm not going. I won't let them shut me away like a damn dog. I'm leaving. Tonight.” He said and I stilled. “Where will you go?” I asked, feeling the panic of our situation grip me tightly.
“I don't know. I just know that I have to get out of here. But I wanted to see you again. I needed you to know that I love you. There was no way I could take off without seeing your face and letting you know that my heart is yours. Always.”
He was leaving. This was it. Everything we had was coming to an end in my bedroom. Who knew when I'd see him again? If ever.
Clay gently touched the butterfly I still wore around my neck. “You are my butterfly, baby.” He whispered before pulling me back into his arms. I could feel his tension as he held me. I was taken over by an all consuming panic at the thought of him leaving me behind. How could I go on with my life without him? That just didn't seem possible.
So I made a spur of the moment decision.
