Four Letter Word
Page 85
Brian was right. Again. If I kept avoiding my mom, she might stop calling altogether, putting even more strain on our relationship and making it harder to build it back up, then I’d be the one struggling to get her on the line.
What if she never answered me?
I huffed out a breath. “Fine. Okay. I’ll talk to her.” Then I scooted Sir off my lap, leaned down until my forehead was flush with Brian’s, and glared at him. “You being right all the time is getting a little old,” I shared.
He smirked. “Can’t help it, babe. Just flows naturally.”
I rolled my eyes, laughing a little because he was using my words against me and in turn, being cute again, slid off the bed, and grabbed my phone off the dresser.
I swiped my thumb across the screen, went to my missed calls, and dialed her back.
She answered when my butt hit the bed.
“Well, didn’t think I existed to you anymore. Surprised you’re even bothering with this phone call,” she snapped, sounding angry and maybe a little hurt. I couldn’t tell. “A daughter ignoring her own mother. Really, Sydney, you should be ashamed of yourself.”
I looked at Brian, conveying with my eyes that this call was already starting off on a high note.
“You know why I wasn’t answering you, Mom,” I replied.
“I’m not sure what’s gotten into you lately, but I feel as if I don’t even know you anymore,” she argued.
“Why’s that? I’m the same as I’ve always been. Actually …I’m better. I’m me.”
“You most certainly are not you. The daughter I raised wouldn’t leave her husband, choosing a life of sin over what God had planned for her. No …that is not my daughter. I brought you up better than that, Sydney Grace.”
I pinched my eyes shut, breathed deep, then opened them to tell her, “I want to talk to you, Mom, okay? That’s why I’m calling. I love you and I miss you and I want to talk to you, but for the last time, I did not leave Marcus. He ended it. He found another girl he wanted to be with and decided what we had wasn’t worth holding on to anymore. He chose it first, okay? Then I chose it when I came to Dogwood to start my life over because I didn’t have one with him anymore, and I chose it again when I met the man I’m living with now.”
She pulled in a breath.
I shocked her. I realized this. My mother didn’t know anything about Brian, and I’d just thrown it all on her instead of giving it to her a little at a time.
Maybe not the best tactic but I had committed to it. Saw it through and put it out there. No way could I take it back now.
I looked to Brian. He appeared a little shocked by my forwardness as well.
I ignored his raised brow and widened stare because I knew he’d recover quickly—we were in this together. I watched Sir roll onto his back and stretch his paws, smiled at his cuteness, then looked at my lap and continued speaking.
“You see, Mom? Marcus chose a life without me. He wanted me gone so I went and in doing so found someone who has made me happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I ever came close to being with Marcus, and if that wasn’t part of God’s plan for me, then he needs to take a step back and reevaluate some things because there is no way what I’m feeling right now is wrong. It can’t be. I’ve never felt like this.”
Brian grabbed the hand I had resting on my knee and held it with his.
We looked into each other’s eyes, and I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I knew if I did that I wouldn’t stop kissing him and I was in the middle of an important conversation I needed to see through.
So I held him back instead, curling my fingers around the back of his hand and hoping to convey the feelings I was fighting against.
“You’re living with another man?” Mom spoke after several tense seconds, her voice eerily quiet. “You aren’t even divorced yet, Sydney, and you’re already moved in with someone else? I …I can’t believe what I’m hearing. No. Absolutely not. This is wrong and I will not support this. I will not support any of this. I knew you moving to Dogwood would be trouble and look at what you’re doing.”
“What am I doing, Mom? I’m in love and I’m happy.”
“You’re practically having an affair,” she hissed.
My spine straightened. I felt my pulse spike and the hand holding Brian’s tense and grip tighter.
Then I let her have it.
“I am not having an affair. I would never do that, no matter if Marcus cheated on me or not, which he did, Mom. In case you’re interested in knowing. That’s what happened. He did this to me. Now I’ll admit, what we had wasn’t working anymore, our marriage was struggling and had been struggling for months, but I stuck it out. I never even considered any other options and that’s all he was doing, considering other options. He gave me up for someone else, asked me to leave, and I did, and you know what? It was the best decision of my life ’cause it led me to Brian. That’s who I’m living with. That’s the man who healed my heart and that’s the man I love with every piece of it. Marcus and I are legally separated now and have been since before Brian and I got together. We were no longer committed to each other when Brian and I started talking, meaning when I fell in love with him, I did so with a heart I could give away. Marcus wasn’t holding it anymore. That was his doing. His choice. I will not say that again.”
My chest was heaving and my eyes were pricking with tears. I was on the verge of crying or screaming, I wasn’t sure which, but I did know I was fully regretting this phone call. That was for certain.
“Don’t you take that tone with me, young lady. I will not be disrespected by my own daughter,” she spat, her voice rising. “And if you think I’m going to support you in any of this, you can think again. Living with a man under any circumstance without being married to him is a sin in the eyes of God. It is shameful and wrong. You signing separation papers doesn’t change that.”
“Plenty of people live together before they get married, Mom. This isn’t the fifties.”
“You can make that argument to God when you stand before him at the end of your time. See what he has to say about that.”
I closed my eyes and lowered my head.
“As for the matter of Marcus stepping out on you, he’ll have to answer for his own sins,” she continued. “And like I’ve told you several times already, you should’ve stuck it out and allowed him to repent. Fought for your marriage. Worked through it together as a unit. Instead you walked away. You left your family and now look at you. What a mess you’ve made of yourself.”
My mouth dropped open in shock, air moving in and out of my lungs rapidly and erratically.
I didn’t scream. God …I wanted to. I wanted my anger to rule my reaction, but it didn’t.
Disappointment overwhelmed me. I chose to cry instead.
With tears wetting my cheeks and lips trembling, I kept my head lowered, my shoulders hunched forward, and Brian’s hand in mine.
“I left the man who stopped loving me,” I replied, voice shaking while I stared at my lap. “I didn’t leave my family. You did.”
“Excuse me?”
“You left me,” I whispered. “Barrett died and you left me like I died right along with him, and even at twelve years old, I understood your reason. I knew you were in pain and you needed help, Mom, so even though I was sad, too, and I missed you so, so much, I didn’t hate you for leaving me behind to find your peace. I didn’t even hate you when you found it and forgot to come back for me. I couldn’t. I was happy for you and I was happy for myself because I got Tori and I got her parents. They became my family when you’d stay late at church or go to another prayer meeting. They supported me, and I know in my heart they’d support me still. They wouldn’t judge me like this. They’d care about my happiness because that’s what family does. They are my family. And the friends I have now, the ones I’ve met since moving to Dogwood, they are also my family. And Brian. He is my family. Not Marcus. Never Marcus. Family doesn’t turn their back on you and treat you like you’re nothing. Like you never mattered. They don’t forget about you after getting themselves to a better place. I left Marcus but I never left my family, and I never will. It’s too bad you can’t say the same.”
What if she never answered me?
I huffed out a breath. “Fine. Okay. I’ll talk to her.” Then I scooted Sir off my lap, leaned down until my forehead was flush with Brian’s, and glared at him. “You being right all the time is getting a little old,” I shared.
He smirked. “Can’t help it, babe. Just flows naturally.”
I rolled my eyes, laughing a little because he was using my words against me and in turn, being cute again, slid off the bed, and grabbed my phone off the dresser.
I swiped my thumb across the screen, went to my missed calls, and dialed her back.
She answered when my butt hit the bed.
“Well, didn’t think I existed to you anymore. Surprised you’re even bothering with this phone call,” she snapped, sounding angry and maybe a little hurt. I couldn’t tell. “A daughter ignoring her own mother. Really, Sydney, you should be ashamed of yourself.”
I looked at Brian, conveying with my eyes that this call was already starting off on a high note.
“You know why I wasn’t answering you, Mom,” I replied.
“I’m not sure what’s gotten into you lately, but I feel as if I don’t even know you anymore,” she argued.
“Why’s that? I’m the same as I’ve always been. Actually …I’m better. I’m me.”
“You most certainly are not you. The daughter I raised wouldn’t leave her husband, choosing a life of sin over what God had planned for her. No …that is not my daughter. I brought you up better than that, Sydney Grace.”
I pinched my eyes shut, breathed deep, then opened them to tell her, “I want to talk to you, Mom, okay? That’s why I’m calling. I love you and I miss you and I want to talk to you, but for the last time, I did not leave Marcus. He ended it. He found another girl he wanted to be with and decided what we had wasn’t worth holding on to anymore. He chose it first, okay? Then I chose it when I came to Dogwood to start my life over because I didn’t have one with him anymore, and I chose it again when I met the man I’m living with now.”
She pulled in a breath.
I shocked her. I realized this. My mother didn’t know anything about Brian, and I’d just thrown it all on her instead of giving it to her a little at a time.
Maybe not the best tactic but I had committed to it. Saw it through and put it out there. No way could I take it back now.
I looked to Brian. He appeared a little shocked by my forwardness as well.
I ignored his raised brow and widened stare because I knew he’d recover quickly—we were in this together. I watched Sir roll onto his back and stretch his paws, smiled at his cuteness, then looked at my lap and continued speaking.
“You see, Mom? Marcus chose a life without me. He wanted me gone so I went and in doing so found someone who has made me happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I ever came close to being with Marcus, and if that wasn’t part of God’s plan for me, then he needs to take a step back and reevaluate some things because there is no way what I’m feeling right now is wrong. It can’t be. I’ve never felt like this.”
Brian grabbed the hand I had resting on my knee and held it with his.
We looked into each other’s eyes, and I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I knew if I did that I wouldn’t stop kissing him and I was in the middle of an important conversation I needed to see through.
So I held him back instead, curling my fingers around the back of his hand and hoping to convey the feelings I was fighting against.
“You’re living with another man?” Mom spoke after several tense seconds, her voice eerily quiet. “You aren’t even divorced yet, Sydney, and you’re already moved in with someone else? I …I can’t believe what I’m hearing. No. Absolutely not. This is wrong and I will not support this. I will not support any of this. I knew you moving to Dogwood would be trouble and look at what you’re doing.”
“What am I doing, Mom? I’m in love and I’m happy.”
“You’re practically having an affair,” she hissed.
My spine straightened. I felt my pulse spike and the hand holding Brian’s tense and grip tighter.
Then I let her have it.
“I am not having an affair. I would never do that, no matter if Marcus cheated on me or not, which he did, Mom. In case you’re interested in knowing. That’s what happened. He did this to me. Now I’ll admit, what we had wasn’t working anymore, our marriage was struggling and had been struggling for months, but I stuck it out. I never even considered any other options and that’s all he was doing, considering other options. He gave me up for someone else, asked me to leave, and I did, and you know what? It was the best decision of my life ’cause it led me to Brian. That’s who I’m living with. That’s the man who healed my heart and that’s the man I love with every piece of it. Marcus and I are legally separated now and have been since before Brian and I got together. We were no longer committed to each other when Brian and I started talking, meaning when I fell in love with him, I did so with a heart I could give away. Marcus wasn’t holding it anymore. That was his doing. His choice. I will not say that again.”
My chest was heaving and my eyes were pricking with tears. I was on the verge of crying or screaming, I wasn’t sure which, but I did know I was fully regretting this phone call. That was for certain.
“Don’t you take that tone with me, young lady. I will not be disrespected by my own daughter,” she spat, her voice rising. “And if you think I’m going to support you in any of this, you can think again. Living with a man under any circumstance without being married to him is a sin in the eyes of God. It is shameful and wrong. You signing separation papers doesn’t change that.”
“Plenty of people live together before they get married, Mom. This isn’t the fifties.”
“You can make that argument to God when you stand before him at the end of your time. See what he has to say about that.”
I closed my eyes and lowered my head.
“As for the matter of Marcus stepping out on you, he’ll have to answer for his own sins,” she continued. “And like I’ve told you several times already, you should’ve stuck it out and allowed him to repent. Fought for your marriage. Worked through it together as a unit. Instead you walked away. You left your family and now look at you. What a mess you’ve made of yourself.”
My mouth dropped open in shock, air moving in and out of my lungs rapidly and erratically.
I didn’t scream. God …I wanted to. I wanted my anger to rule my reaction, but it didn’t.
Disappointment overwhelmed me. I chose to cry instead.
With tears wetting my cheeks and lips trembling, I kept my head lowered, my shoulders hunched forward, and Brian’s hand in mine.
“I left the man who stopped loving me,” I replied, voice shaking while I stared at my lap. “I didn’t leave my family. You did.”
“Excuse me?”
“You left me,” I whispered. “Barrett died and you left me like I died right along with him, and even at twelve years old, I understood your reason. I knew you were in pain and you needed help, Mom, so even though I was sad, too, and I missed you so, so much, I didn’t hate you for leaving me behind to find your peace. I didn’t even hate you when you found it and forgot to come back for me. I couldn’t. I was happy for you and I was happy for myself because I got Tori and I got her parents. They became my family when you’d stay late at church or go to another prayer meeting. They supported me, and I know in my heart they’d support me still. They wouldn’t judge me like this. They’d care about my happiness because that’s what family does. They are my family. And the friends I have now, the ones I’ve met since moving to Dogwood, they are also my family. And Brian. He is my family. Not Marcus. Never Marcus. Family doesn’t turn their back on you and treat you like you’re nothing. Like you never mattered. They don’t forget about you after getting themselves to a better place. I left Marcus but I never left my family, and I never will. It’s too bad you can’t say the same.”
