Four Letter Word
Page 86
“Those people are not your family,” she snapped. “I am your mother. I am your family, and when you took a husband, that man became your family. Marcus is your family.”
“I’m not talking about this anymore.” I wiped at my face. “It’s useless. You’re not hearing me.”
“Oh, I’m hearing you. I’m hearing you say a bunch of people you don’t share blood or bond with are the people who matter most to you. That’s what I’m hearing.”
“Good, ’cause that’s exactly what I’m saying,” I hissed through tears, coming up on my knees and blocking Sir when he jumped up excitedly, ready to play.
Brian sat up and got him settled, pulling him to his side.
I continued on from my defensive stance, feeling the weight of Brian’s touch on my back.
“Sometimes family isn’t made up of who you’re born to or who you share a name with. Sometimes it’s made up of a strange man you accidentally dial up and cuss out, or waitresses at a seaside restaurant, or seven-year-old twins who tell you you’re awesome and super pretty. Family are the people who support you and love you no matter what. Who care about your happiness and who don’t pass judgment. Who heal you. Who accept you and the life you’re living. That’s what family is, Mom.”
“Well, then I guess it’s a good thing Barrett died and you gave up on your marriage so you could find that family, sweetheart. Otherwise you’d just be stuck with me, right? And Lord knows you don’t want that.”
I flinched. Breath caught in my throat.
“Mom,” I whispered, voice quivering and anxious to explain. “That’s not what I meant at all. I want more than anything for you to be in my life. I wouldn’t have called back if I didn’t. I’m just saying—”
“I’m honestly not sure why you called back,” she replied, cutting me off. “Unless you’re moving back to Raleigh and fixing what you left behind, we don’t have anything to talk about.”
I rocked back onto my heels.
I was no longer defensive. My body slouched brokenly as the tears kept falling, as my lungs worked exhaustively through my sobs.
“I love him,” I cried. “I love Brian, Mom. I’m not going back to Raleigh.”
She breathed in my ear, slow and patiently, and for a moment I thought maybe she didn’t hear what I’d said, that maybe this wasn’t the end of whatever relationship we had left because I knew in my heart if she’d heard me, it was over.
And still, knowing that risk, I’d never take back those words or say them so she couldn’t hear. I would never be quiet with my love for Brian. Not ever. Not even if it meant the end.
And it did.
She’d heard me. The call disconnected, then the dial tone sounded. That’s how I knew.
It was over.
I let the phone drop and took my face in my hands, sobbing hard and ugly and alone but only for a breath before Brian’s arms were wrapping around me and pulling me onto my side and against his chest, where he held me close. Dipping his head next to mine, he whispered, “Shh, baby,” against my ear while his hand stroked my hair, then he moved his lips to my cheek and kissed my tears as they fell.
I cried. That was all I could do.
And Brian held me through it all.
“I’m sorry. Wild, I’m so sorry,” he told me over and over, soothing me with his voice and with his arms holding tight.
Sir tried digging between us at one point but we were one, fused together. Nothing was penetrating.
Our love grew stronger in those minutes.
I felt movement at the foot of the bed as Sir settled there. He gave up. He was smart doing that.
I burrowed deeper into my boy’s heartbeat.
“I meant everything I said,” I sobbed into his chest. “Everything. You and Tori, everyone I’ve met here, you are the most important people to me.”
He rubbed my back.
“Even Jamie. I’m really rooting for him.”
“He knows, babe. He appreciates it.”
I quickly composed myself and leaned away.
“I want to start having family dinners on Sundays,” I informed Brian, watching his eyes flick wider. “I’ll cook. Everyone can bring a side dish or beverages if they’d like, but it’s not required. We have a large table and I’d like to utilize that, although we’ll need more chairs. What’s your sister’s work schedule like?”
He stared at me for a moment before responding.
“Babe.”
“Mm?”
“You sure you wanna be talking about this right now?”
I sniffed and wiped away a lonely tear.
“Yes. I’d very much like to talk about this right now,” I replied a little curtly. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Considering you’ve just had a conversation that didn’t end so well and you’ve been crying in my arms for a solid thirty, I’m thinking this might not be the best time to lock down weekly plans that involve a solid commitment from you in terms of cooking.”
I tipped my chin up.
“I’m not sure what you mean exactly, but if you’re trying to say I’m not in a right frame of mind to guarantee delicious meals for the people I love, I suggest you carve some time out of your schedule and get to know me a little better. Even in times of distress, I know what’s most important, Trouble.”
His lip twitched.
“Sounds good,” he mumbled, giving me a squeeze. “Feel like I know you, but I’m all for carving out more time and digging a little deeper, Wild.” He kissed my forehead.
I moaned and melted closer.
He was right. That did sound good.
“Jenna’s off on weekends,” he said.
“That’s good,” I replied, turning my head and resting my cheek against his chest. “I really want her and the twins there whenever they can make it.”
“I’ll make sure to tell her.”
“Tomorrow. Give her enough notice. And the guys. I’ll handle getting the word out to the girls.”
A laugh rumbled behind his ribs.
“Whatever you want, babe,” he said, so much meaning behind those words, they fought off my sadness.
Brian settled, sat his chin on top of my head, draped his leg over both of mine, and locked me against him like he always did when we lay facing each other.
I yawned, sleepy sighed, and wrapped my hand around his back.
“You okay?” he asked, moving his fingers through my hair.
I closed my eyes.
I wasn’t sure if I had a mom anymore, but I had Brian. I had family. I had love.
If I wasn’t okay, I knew I would be.
Tipping my head back, I kissed the underside of his jaw, flattened my cheek to his chest, closed my eyes again, and within seconds fell fast asleep, clinging to love and the assurance everything would be okay.
Chapter Nineteen
BRIAN
I thought I was protecting her. I thought if I kept Syd ignorant to the dirty deeds of my past, we’d be untouchable, growing in love and building on the future I wanted us to have, the one I wanted to give her.
I was a fucking moron.
I thought I was protecting her.
But in the end I destroyed everything we’d ever have.
“I’m not talking about this anymore.” I wiped at my face. “It’s useless. You’re not hearing me.”
“Oh, I’m hearing you. I’m hearing you say a bunch of people you don’t share blood or bond with are the people who matter most to you. That’s what I’m hearing.”
“Good, ’cause that’s exactly what I’m saying,” I hissed through tears, coming up on my knees and blocking Sir when he jumped up excitedly, ready to play.
Brian sat up and got him settled, pulling him to his side.
I continued on from my defensive stance, feeling the weight of Brian’s touch on my back.
“Sometimes family isn’t made up of who you’re born to or who you share a name with. Sometimes it’s made up of a strange man you accidentally dial up and cuss out, or waitresses at a seaside restaurant, or seven-year-old twins who tell you you’re awesome and super pretty. Family are the people who support you and love you no matter what. Who care about your happiness and who don’t pass judgment. Who heal you. Who accept you and the life you’re living. That’s what family is, Mom.”
“Well, then I guess it’s a good thing Barrett died and you gave up on your marriage so you could find that family, sweetheart. Otherwise you’d just be stuck with me, right? And Lord knows you don’t want that.”
I flinched. Breath caught in my throat.
“Mom,” I whispered, voice quivering and anxious to explain. “That’s not what I meant at all. I want more than anything for you to be in my life. I wouldn’t have called back if I didn’t. I’m just saying—”
“I’m honestly not sure why you called back,” she replied, cutting me off. “Unless you’re moving back to Raleigh and fixing what you left behind, we don’t have anything to talk about.”
I rocked back onto my heels.
I was no longer defensive. My body slouched brokenly as the tears kept falling, as my lungs worked exhaustively through my sobs.
“I love him,” I cried. “I love Brian, Mom. I’m not going back to Raleigh.”
She breathed in my ear, slow and patiently, and for a moment I thought maybe she didn’t hear what I’d said, that maybe this wasn’t the end of whatever relationship we had left because I knew in my heart if she’d heard me, it was over.
And still, knowing that risk, I’d never take back those words or say them so she couldn’t hear. I would never be quiet with my love for Brian. Not ever. Not even if it meant the end.
And it did.
She’d heard me. The call disconnected, then the dial tone sounded. That’s how I knew.
It was over.
I let the phone drop and took my face in my hands, sobbing hard and ugly and alone but only for a breath before Brian’s arms were wrapping around me and pulling me onto my side and against his chest, where he held me close. Dipping his head next to mine, he whispered, “Shh, baby,” against my ear while his hand stroked my hair, then he moved his lips to my cheek and kissed my tears as they fell.
I cried. That was all I could do.
And Brian held me through it all.
“I’m sorry. Wild, I’m so sorry,” he told me over and over, soothing me with his voice and with his arms holding tight.
Sir tried digging between us at one point but we were one, fused together. Nothing was penetrating.
Our love grew stronger in those minutes.
I felt movement at the foot of the bed as Sir settled there. He gave up. He was smart doing that.
I burrowed deeper into my boy’s heartbeat.
“I meant everything I said,” I sobbed into his chest. “Everything. You and Tori, everyone I’ve met here, you are the most important people to me.”
He rubbed my back.
“Even Jamie. I’m really rooting for him.”
“He knows, babe. He appreciates it.”
I quickly composed myself and leaned away.
“I want to start having family dinners on Sundays,” I informed Brian, watching his eyes flick wider. “I’ll cook. Everyone can bring a side dish or beverages if they’d like, but it’s not required. We have a large table and I’d like to utilize that, although we’ll need more chairs. What’s your sister’s work schedule like?”
He stared at me for a moment before responding.
“Babe.”
“Mm?”
“You sure you wanna be talking about this right now?”
I sniffed and wiped away a lonely tear.
“Yes. I’d very much like to talk about this right now,” I replied a little curtly. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Considering you’ve just had a conversation that didn’t end so well and you’ve been crying in my arms for a solid thirty, I’m thinking this might not be the best time to lock down weekly plans that involve a solid commitment from you in terms of cooking.”
I tipped my chin up.
“I’m not sure what you mean exactly, but if you’re trying to say I’m not in a right frame of mind to guarantee delicious meals for the people I love, I suggest you carve some time out of your schedule and get to know me a little better. Even in times of distress, I know what’s most important, Trouble.”
His lip twitched.
“Sounds good,” he mumbled, giving me a squeeze. “Feel like I know you, but I’m all for carving out more time and digging a little deeper, Wild.” He kissed my forehead.
I moaned and melted closer.
He was right. That did sound good.
“Jenna’s off on weekends,” he said.
“That’s good,” I replied, turning my head and resting my cheek against his chest. “I really want her and the twins there whenever they can make it.”
“I’ll make sure to tell her.”
“Tomorrow. Give her enough notice. And the guys. I’ll handle getting the word out to the girls.”
A laugh rumbled behind his ribs.
“Whatever you want, babe,” he said, so much meaning behind those words, they fought off my sadness.
Brian settled, sat his chin on top of my head, draped his leg over both of mine, and locked me against him like he always did when we lay facing each other.
I yawned, sleepy sighed, and wrapped my hand around his back.
“You okay?” he asked, moving his fingers through my hair.
I closed my eyes.
I wasn’t sure if I had a mom anymore, but I had Brian. I had family. I had love.
If I wasn’t okay, I knew I would be.
Tipping my head back, I kissed the underside of his jaw, flattened my cheek to his chest, closed my eyes again, and within seconds fell fast asleep, clinging to love and the assurance everything would be okay.
Chapter Nineteen
BRIAN
I thought I was protecting her. I thought if I kept Syd ignorant to the dirty deeds of my past, we’d be untouchable, growing in love and building on the future I wanted us to have, the one I wanted to give her.
I was a fucking moron.
I thought I was protecting her.
But in the end I destroyed everything we’d ever have.
