Goddess Interrupted
Page 53
I could have been happy. My life would have been tame and short, but uncomplicated. And when I died, I would have come here, one more soul for Henry to watch over.
None of this would have ever happened.
As much as I wanted it, I knew it was only a fantasy.
I would’ve never existed if it hadn’t been for Henry and Persephone. No matter what happened, no matter what choices I made, my life would have never been simple. Even if I’d never known that gods really existed, my mother wouldn’t have survived her cancer, and I would have been more alone than I was now.
With Henry, my life was different. My life had purpose.
But no one had ever stopped to consider if it was the life I wanted to lead. No one but James.
No matter what choice I made, I couldn’t compete with the soul-crushing love Henry felt for Persephone, and now that he had her back…
I didn’t know what the right choice was anymore.
“Mom?” I whispered. “Why did you decide to have me if all I was going to be was Persephone’s replacement?” She opened her eyes, and for several seconds she said nothing. Enough time passed that I feared she wouldn’t answer, but f inally she kissed my forehead. “Do you really believe all you are to me is a replacement for your sister?” I nodded. I didn’t want to believe it, but after everything that had happened, after being plagued by doubts for so long, I couldn’t help it.
My mother sighed. “If we’re going to talk, let’s at least get cleaned up a bit.”
She slid off the bed and disappeared into my closet, and I said nothing. I knew she loved me as much as I loved her, but what would have happened if I hadn’t passed the test?
Would she have let go of my hand, too?
When she returned, she had a change of clothes with her, and I reluctantly got off the bed. Despite Ava cleaning them regularly, the jeans and sweater I wore were ruined, and as soon as I took them off, my mother vanished them.
“Now,” she said as I dressed in the pajamas she’d picked out for me. “Tell me what’s bothering you.” I didn’t know how to begin. Everything had gone wrong from the day I’d arrived in the Underworld, and as often as the likes of Ava and my mother wanted to reassure me that Henry loved me, he didn’t, not really. He couldn’t. I wasn’t Persephone.
It was more than that though. So much more, and the only place to start was the beginning. “Every part of my life was planned,” I said thickly. “When I was born, how I was raised, what you taught me—it was all to pass the tests, wasn’t it?”
She nodded slowly, as if she wasn’t sure what was so wrong with that. “Of course, sweetheart. I wanted to give you the best chance of success you could have, especially after what happened to the others.”
I tugged on the hem of my pajama top. “You knew someone would try to kill me, and you let me go anyway.”
“I—” She furrowed her brow. Finally she seemed to get it. “Kate, honey, I would have never allowed it if I hadn’t been sure that every possible precaution was being taken.
Before you, only a few of us oversaw the tests. With you, that all changed. I insisted, and so did Henry. He wanted to protect you. We all did. That was why one of us was always with you—that was why we all watched you go through the tests.”
My mother hadn’t been there in Eden Manor, but I’d talked to her every night in my dreams. I’d thought it was a gift from Henry, a chance to allow me to say goodbye to her, and maybe part of it was. But she’d pressed me to share everything, and I had—almost. It was the parts I hadn’t told her that had gotten me killed.
She settled behind me and brushed my hair in slow strokes, working her way gently through the tangles. “From the moment we drove into Eden, you were protected.
James, Ava, Sof ia, even Dylan and Irene—that was why they were there. Partially to guide you, but mostly to be sure nothing happened to you. We’d watched eleven other girls die because of us, and don’t think we were so callous that we didn’t care. We all did, especially Henry. From the moment the council ruled that I could have you—”
“The council ruled I could be born?”
“Yes,” she said, separating my hair into three sections before she began to braid it. “I’ve told you this before, love.
Henry decided he wanted to give up, and I didn’t want him to, so instead of going out and f inding another girl—”
“You decided to make one.” I swallowed hard, and tears stung my eyes. “That’s all you told me. You didn’t say that the only reason I existed was because you all sat around and debated it.” I stared up at the ceiling, trying in vain to contain the swell of anguish that f illed me. “All I was ever supposed to be was Henry’s wife, and you knew—you knew he’s always going to be in love with Persephone. You knew he would never feel the same way about me, and you did it anyway.”
She wrapped her arms around me from behind. “Kate…” I glared at my hands, refusing to hug her back. She could deny it or rationalize it all she wanted, but that wouldn’t change what had happened.
“Yes,” she f inally said. “That was why you were born.
All of us come into this world for a reason, whether it’s love or a purpose or even as an accident. You were no accident, and I have loved you from the moment I knew you would exist. Even if it hadn’t been then, you would have been born eventually. I’d wanted another child for a long time, and I put it off. Because I was ashamed, I made myself think I didn’t deserve another. I thought I didn’t deserve you.”
None of this would have ever happened.
As much as I wanted it, I knew it was only a fantasy.
I would’ve never existed if it hadn’t been for Henry and Persephone. No matter what happened, no matter what choices I made, my life would have never been simple. Even if I’d never known that gods really existed, my mother wouldn’t have survived her cancer, and I would have been more alone than I was now.
With Henry, my life was different. My life had purpose.
But no one had ever stopped to consider if it was the life I wanted to lead. No one but James.
No matter what choice I made, I couldn’t compete with the soul-crushing love Henry felt for Persephone, and now that he had her back…
I didn’t know what the right choice was anymore.
“Mom?” I whispered. “Why did you decide to have me if all I was going to be was Persephone’s replacement?” She opened her eyes, and for several seconds she said nothing. Enough time passed that I feared she wouldn’t answer, but f inally she kissed my forehead. “Do you really believe all you are to me is a replacement for your sister?” I nodded. I didn’t want to believe it, but after everything that had happened, after being plagued by doubts for so long, I couldn’t help it.
My mother sighed. “If we’re going to talk, let’s at least get cleaned up a bit.”
She slid off the bed and disappeared into my closet, and I said nothing. I knew she loved me as much as I loved her, but what would have happened if I hadn’t passed the test?
Would she have let go of my hand, too?
When she returned, she had a change of clothes with her, and I reluctantly got off the bed. Despite Ava cleaning them regularly, the jeans and sweater I wore were ruined, and as soon as I took them off, my mother vanished them.
“Now,” she said as I dressed in the pajamas she’d picked out for me. “Tell me what’s bothering you.” I didn’t know how to begin. Everything had gone wrong from the day I’d arrived in the Underworld, and as often as the likes of Ava and my mother wanted to reassure me that Henry loved me, he didn’t, not really. He couldn’t. I wasn’t Persephone.
It was more than that though. So much more, and the only place to start was the beginning. “Every part of my life was planned,” I said thickly. “When I was born, how I was raised, what you taught me—it was all to pass the tests, wasn’t it?”
She nodded slowly, as if she wasn’t sure what was so wrong with that. “Of course, sweetheart. I wanted to give you the best chance of success you could have, especially after what happened to the others.”
I tugged on the hem of my pajama top. “You knew someone would try to kill me, and you let me go anyway.”
“I—” She furrowed her brow. Finally she seemed to get it. “Kate, honey, I would have never allowed it if I hadn’t been sure that every possible precaution was being taken.
Before you, only a few of us oversaw the tests. With you, that all changed. I insisted, and so did Henry. He wanted to protect you. We all did. That was why one of us was always with you—that was why we all watched you go through the tests.”
My mother hadn’t been there in Eden Manor, but I’d talked to her every night in my dreams. I’d thought it was a gift from Henry, a chance to allow me to say goodbye to her, and maybe part of it was. But she’d pressed me to share everything, and I had—almost. It was the parts I hadn’t told her that had gotten me killed.
She settled behind me and brushed my hair in slow strokes, working her way gently through the tangles. “From the moment we drove into Eden, you were protected.
James, Ava, Sof ia, even Dylan and Irene—that was why they were there. Partially to guide you, but mostly to be sure nothing happened to you. We’d watched eleven other girls die because of us, and don’t think we were so callous that we didn’t care. We all did, especially Henry. From the moment the council ruled that I could have you—”
“The council ruled I could be born?”
“Yes,” she said, separating my hair into three sections before she began to braid it. “I’ve told you this before, love.
Henry decided he wanted to give up, and I didn’t want him to, so instead of going out and f inding another girl—”
“You decided to make one.” I swallowed hard, and tears stung my eyes. “That’s all you told me. You didn’t say that the only reason I existed was because you all sat around and debated it.” I stared up at the ceiling, trying in vain to contain the swell of anguish that f illed me. “All I was ever supposed to be was Henry’s wife, and you knew—you knew he’s always going to be in love with Persephone. You knew he would never feel the same way about me, and you did it anyway.”
She wrapped her arms around me from behind. “Kate…” I glared at my hands, refusing to hug her back. She could deny it or rationalize it all she wanted, but that wouldn’t change what had happened.
“Yes,” she f inally said. “That was why you were born.
All of us come into this world for a reason, whether it’s love or a purpose or even as an accident. You were no accident, and I have loved you from the moment I knew you would exist. Even if it hadn’t been then, you would have been born eventually. I’d wanted another child for a long time, and I put it off. Because I was ashamed, I made myself think I didn’t deserve another. I thought I didn’t deserve you.”
