Hearts of Blue
Page 85
I’d never loved before. Now I loved too much. And in the morning, I’d lose him.
There was a sweet sort of tragedy to it all.
When I came, I closed my eyes, dropped to his chest, and sank my face into the crook of his neck, whether for comfort or to hide my tears, I couldn’t seem to tell.
“I’m sorry if I ever hurt you,” I whispered into the dark room.
Lee was quiet for a long time before he whispered back, “Hurting with you is better than a painless life without you.”
His words penetrated deep, and I held him tighter, wishing I didn’t have to let go.
Twenty
Tony and I stood outside the Old Bailey, sipping on bad takeaway coffee and waiting out the last few minutes before we had to go inside. He knew just how difficult a day I had ahead of me, and he didn’t try to fill the quiet with random small talk. He let me have my time to think and prepare.
I’d left Lee’s bed early in the morning, my heart sore as I watched him sleep. My gaze traced the contours of his body, taking pictures to store in my memory. I was lost in thought when I felt Tony nudge me with his elbow, and looked up to see the Cross brothers arrive. They all wore suits, looking smart and professional. It was at odds with their usual laid-back, streetwise style.
My heart pounded when I locked eyes with Lee, flashbacks from the night before flooding my mind. I remembered how his lips tasted, how his hands roamed my skin, claiming everything they touched. It was a cold day, but I still felt too hot in my uniform. It was suffocating, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.
Two men approached the brothers, their legal representation, I was assuming. Some words were exchanged, and then they all began to make their way toward the courthouse. The closer Lee got, the more my lungs constricted, and when he walked right past me without so much as a glance, I felt bereft.
“Come on, we better head inside, too,” said Tony, his voice gentle.
Knocking back the last of my coffee, I followed him in, and we took our seats in the court room. There were a number of cases being heard that day, and when the judge came in, he looked harried and stressed. Why did judges always look like that? Like the last thing they had in the world was time, and you were being intolerably rude by presuming you warranted even a moment of it.
Several other cases were heard first, and I was glad because I wasn’t ready for all eyes to be on me yet. Unfortunately, it all went by too quickly. Tony gave his account of what happened, and before I knew it, I was being called to the stand to give evidence. Every step felt like an eternity, and when I sat and cleared my throat, I couldn’t see anyone else in the room but Lee, his expression stoic as he watched me from the public viewing stand.
I’d spoken in court countless times before, but today was different. Stammering nervously through my statement, I just wanted it to be over. When I was dismissed, I practically ran from the room, finding the ladies’ and shutting myself inside. I seemed to be having quite a few bathroom panic attacks lately.
Trying to steady my shaking hands, I imagined they’d be calling Liam to the stand. He’d have his say, and then he’d be asked to give up the name of the person he worked for. He’d tell them it was Lee, and then everything would fall to pieces.
I was in there for at least twenty minutes when I heard voices shouting angrily from outside. Immediately, I hurried from the bathroom to see what was happening. Following the sound of the argument, I found all four brothers at the end of one corridor. Trevor held Lee back, who was fuming at Stu, a look in his eyes like he wanted to commit murder.
“How the fuck could you do this?!” Lee yelled, his face red with fury.
“I had to,” said Stu, his expression resigned as he tried to reason with his brother. “There wasn’t another way.”
“Of course there was. We already decided. Everything had been decided!”
“You’re wrong — none of us got a say. You made the decision for all of us, thinking you could just put your head on the chopping block like always. Well, this time I’m not letting you be the martyr.”
“So you thought you’d be one instead? You’re supposed to be my brother — you’re not supposed to lie to me. You let me walk into that courtroom thinking Liam was going to give my name, knowing full well you’d convinced him to give yours instead.”
Time stood still as my hand went to my mouth and I silently gasped. Stu had switched places with Lee. What the hell? The brothers stared each other down.
“Ever since we were kids you’ve taken the brunt of the shit we’ve had to go through, but I’m the eldest. It should’ve been me.” Stu looked away, his shoulders turned inward with something close to shame. He ran his hands through his short hair before turning back. “Now it’s my turn to make a sacrifice for this family, just like you’ve been doing your whole life.”
Lee began shaking his head frantically, turmoil written all over his face. When he spoke, his voice was strained. “Nah, I’m not letting you do this.”
“It’s already been done,” said Stu, stepping forward and placing his hands on Lee’s shoulders. “You need to let it happen.”
Lee growled, ripping Stu’s hands off him and turning away.
“It’s bullshit, and I’m not accepting it,” he shouted before he began stomping down the hall in my direction.
I’d never seen him look so furious, like he was about to explode out of his own skin and transform into the Incredible Hulk. He stopped abruptly when he saw me, a million feelings mixing into one heartbreaking look. It was almost like I could read his thoughts, because in that moment, I knew he blamed me. I was the perfect scapegoat. I’d been the one behind the wheel that day, and I’d had a hand in Liam being here. I’d had a hand in all of this. I could almost feel the anger corrupting him, twisting and evolving into a raging bull just beneath the surface of his skin as he stared me down.
There was a sweet sort of tragedy to it all.
When I came, I closed my eyes, dropped to his chest, and sank my face into the crook of his neck, whether for comfort or to hide my tears, I couldn’t seem to tell.
“I’m sorry if I ever hurt you,” I whispered into the dark room.
Lee was quiet for a long time before he whispered back, “Hurting with you is better than a painless life without you.”
His words penetrated deep, and I held him tighter, wishing I didn’t have to let go.
Twenty
Tony and I stood outside the Old Bailey, sipping on bad takeaway coffee and waiting out the last few minutes before we had to go inside. He knew just how difficult a day I had ahead of me, and he didn’t try to fill the quiet with random small talk. He let me have my time to think and prepare.
I’d left Lee’s bed early in the morning, my heart sore as I watched him sleep. My gaze traced the contours of his body, taking pictures to store in my memory. I was lost in thought when I felt Tony nudge me with his elbow, and looked up to see the Cross brothers arrive. They all wore suits, looking smart and professional. It was at odds with their usual laid-back, streetwise style.
My heart pounded when I locked eyes with Lee, flashbacks from the night before flooding my mind. I remembered how his lips tasted, how his hands roamed my skin, claiming everything they touched. It was a cold day, but I still felt too hot in my uniform. It was suffocating, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.
Two men approached the brothers, their legal representation, I was assuming. Some words were exchanged, and then they all began to make their way toward the courthouse. The closer Lee got, the more my lungs constricted, and when he walked right past me without so much as a glance, I felt bereft.
“Come on, we better head inside, too,” said Tony, his voice gentle.
Knocking back the last of my coffee, I followed him in, and we took our seats in the court room. There were a number of cases being heard that day, and when the judge came in, he looked harried and stressed. Why did judges always look like that? Like the last thing they had in the world was time, and you were being intolerably rude by presuming you warranted even a moment of it.
Several other cases were heard first, and I was glad because I wasn’t ready for all eyes to be on me yet. Unfortunately, it all went by too quickly. Tony gave his account of what happened, and before I knew it, I was being called to the stand to give evidence. Every step felt like an eternity, and when I sat and cleared my throat, I couldn’t see anyone else in the room but Lee, his expression stoic as he watched me from the public viewing stand.
I’d spoken in court countless times before, but today was different. Stammering nervously through my statement, I just wanted it to be over. When I was dismissed, I practically ran from the room, finding the ladies’ and shutting myself inside. I seemed to be having quite a few bathroom panic attacks lately.
Trying to steady my shaking hands, I imagined they’d be calling Liam to the stand. He’d have his say, and then he’d be asked to give up the name of the person he worked for. He’d tell them it was Lee, and then everything would fall to pieces.
I was in there for at least twenty minutes when I heard voices shouting angrily from outside. Immediately, I hurried from the bathroom to see what was happening. Following the sound of the argument, I found all four brothers at the end of one corridor. Trevor held Lee back, who was fuming at Stu, a look in his eyes like he wanted to commit murder.
“How the fuck could you do this?!” Lee yelled, his face red with fury.
“I had to,” said Stu, his expression resigned as he tried to reason with his brother. “There wasn’t another way.”
“Of course there was. We already decided. Everything had been decided!”
“You’re wrong — none of us got a say. You made the decision for all of us, thinking you could just put your head on the chopping block like always. Well, this time I’m not letting you be the martyr.”
“So you thought you’d be one instead? You’re supposed to be my brother — you’re not supposed to lie to me. You let me walk into that courtroom thinking Liam was going to give my name, knowing full well you’d convinced him to give yours instead.”
Time stood still as my hand went to my mouth and I silently gasped. Stu had switched places with Lee. What the hell? The brothers stared each other down.
“Ever since we were kids you’ve taken the brunt of the shit we’ve had to go through, but I’m the eldest. It should’ve been me.” Stu looked away, his shoulders turned inward with something close to shame. He ran his hands through his short hair before turning back. “Now it’s my turn to make a sacrifice for this family, just like you’ve been doing your whole life.”
Lee began shaking his head frantically, turmoil written all over his face. When he spoke, his voice was strained. “Nah, I’m not letting you do this.”
“It’s already been done,” said Stu, stepping forward and placing his hands on Lee’s shoulders. “You need to let it happen.”
Lee growled, ripping Stu’s hands off him and turning away.
“It’s bullshit, and I’m not accepting it,” he shouted before he began stomping down the hall in my direction.
I’d never seen him look so furious, like he was about to explode out of his own skin and transform into the Incredible Hulk. He stopped abruptly when he saw me, a million feelings mixing into one heartbreaking look. It was almost like I could read his thoughts, because in that moment, I knew he blamed me. I was the perfect scapegoat. I’d been the one behind the wheel that day, and I’d had a hand in Liam being here. I’d had a hand in all of this. I could almost feel the anger corrupting him, twisting and evolving into a raging bull just beneath the surface of his skin as he stared me down.
