Hearts on Air
Page 82
My chest deflated at her simple rejection. Would she have given me a chance if my mother hadn’t come storming out? Not for the first time that day, tears pricked at my eyes. The door swung open and my brother Lucas stepped out, followed by my dad and my other brother, Samuel. Lucas’s wife came out, too, completing the audience for my humiliation and rejection. It wasn’t enough for them to do this to me once; they had to push me away a second time, too.
Not allowing myself to show any signs of weakness, I sucked back the tears and stood my ground. I met each of their eyes once, then said, “I was the victim. I didn’t lie. You will never see how truly awful you are, but God sees it all, and that’s something you can never escape.”
With that I turned and walked away. Trev stood just a few yards from me, his expression fierce. When I reached him, he took my hand and together we walked back to the car. I knew it was a low blow to throw God at them, but that was the only comparison they knew. It was the only way to really make a point with a family like mine. They always considered themselves so devout, so holy, but deep down they had to know it was a lie. And maybe, just maybe, on some bleak, lonely night they’d remember my words and realise their wrongdoing.
I was silent as I climbed into the passenger seat. Trev started the engine but didn’t say anything as we pulled away. It took a few minutes, but I finally let the tears flow. A strangled cry of pain escaped me as I dropped my face into my hands. Sobs wracked my body and Trev reached out to squeeze my knee in comfort. I immediately pushed his hand away and shifted as close to the other side of the car as I could get.
I understood he was coming from a place of concern, but he never should’ve driven me here. He never should’ve gotten involved. I wasn’t ready.
“Reya,” he whispered, glancing at me and then back to the road. “Please don’t shut me out.”
“Leave me alone,” I croaked, turning my head from him.
He exhaled a gruff breath. “I don’t want to leave you alone. I want you to talk to me.”
“I’ve just been humiliated!” I snapped. “I don’t care if you want to talk. I don’t. So just shut the fuck up for once in your life.”
Trev seemed taken aback by my outburst. His throat bobbed and his jaw ticked as he returned his attention to the road. His hand reflexively tightened and loosened on the steering wheel. A few minutes of silence elapsed before he spoke again, his voice quiet, but with an under layer of steel.
“Do you have any idea how helpless I feel when I think about what happened to you? I think about that evil fucker and I know I can’t even get to him. I want to beat the living daylights out of him, until he’s so disfigured he can never touch another girl again.”
My voice was small when I replied, “What about me, Trev? I was the one it happened to. I’m the one who has to remember. You’re only pouring vinegar on the wound by bringing me to my family.”
He didn’t speak for a long time, then ran a hand down his face before settling it back on the steering wheel. “I just thought if I could help you find some resolution with your brother and sister, then maybe you’d feel better. At least that way I would’ve done something.”
“I told you so many times it was a lost cause. You should’ve listened to me.”
He didn’t have any response for that, because he stayed quiet. We didn’t talk the entire way back to the apartment. Trev parked on the street outside the building and I dove from the car. Instead of going inside, I headed down the street. He called after me but I didn’t respond.
If I went inside that apartment I’d be trapped with him, and I needed some time alone to lick my wounds. I’d been doing so well not thinking of my family, but now every single face was in my head, staring at me, some with pity, others with disgust. Mostly disgust. How could they? How could they judge me so harshly? How could they claim to love me then turn their backs with scorn and contempt?
I was the victim.
I stepped inside a café, relieved Trev hadn’t decided to follow me, and ordered a coffee and a sandwich. It sat untouched on the table as I stared out the window, vacantly watching people going to and fro. I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there when the waitress came and asked if everything was all right. I nodded silently, slipped her some euros and left.
After that I walked for miles. I was familiar enough with the city not to get lost, and after spending my days cooped up with six other people, I was feeling a little suffocated.
It was evening when I finally returned to the apartment. Everyone was there, relaxing after a long day of filming. They barely noticed me come in and I went straight to my room. It only took a minute before my door flung open and Trev barrelled in.
“Reya, I’ve been so fucking worried about you,” he said, striding forward as though to take me in his arms but I stepped aside.
“I’m fine. Just needed some time to clear my head.”
His eyes shone with remorse. “I’m so sorry about today. You were right. I shouldn’t have brought you there.”
I held up a hand. “Look, what’s done is done. I need to go put my clothes in the dryer.”
I walked past him, but he followed me to the laundry room. I knelt down and started pulling my clothes from the washing machine and stuffing them into the dryer. Trev stood by the door, arms folded, face probably like a sad puppy.
I wasn’t holding what he did against him, because I knew his heart was in the right place, but I also wasn’t ready to go back to being loved up just yet. He needed to know that he couldn’t just spring things on me like that. He couldn’t meddle in my family situation, or lack thereof, without warning me. That wasn’t the relationship I wanted. It reminded me of what his doctor had said to him about the id. “The id wants instant gratification rather than to work for a certain result.” Perhaps Trevor would always struggle with that.
I could see that today was the only day for it. We wouldn’t be in Madrid for long and we’d both be busy from tomorrow on. Still, last night had been a turning point. I woke up this morning feeling different, more free, in love, but then his choice damaged our new start. Forced me to revisit old demons.
When I slammed the door of the dryer shut I could hardly stand the tension anymore. “Look, Trev, I can’t talk to you right now. What happened today, it made me feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest all over again and I’m still hurting.”
Not allowing myself to show any signs of weakness, I sucked back the tears and stood my ground. I met each of their eyes once, then said, “I was the victim. I didn’t lie. You will never see how truly awful you are, but God sees it all, and that’s something you can never escape.”
With that I turned and walked away. Trev stood just a few yards from me, his expression fierce. When I reached him, he took my hand and together we walked back to the car. I knew it was a low blow to throw God at them, but that was the only comparison they knew. It was the only way to really make a point with a family like mine. They always considered themselves so devout, so holy, but deep down they had to know it was a lie. And maybe, just maybe, on some bleak, lonely night they’d remember my words and realise their wrongdoing.
I was silent as I climbed into the passenger seat. Trev started the engine but didn’t say anything as we pulled away. It took a few minutes, but I finally let the tears flow. A strangled cry of pain escaped me as I dropped my face into my hands. Sobs wracked my body and Trev reached out to squeeze my knee in comfort. I immediately pushed his hand away and shifted as close to the other side of the car as I could get.
I understood he was coming from a place of concern, but he never should’ve driven me here. He never should’ve gotten involved. I wasn’t ready.
“Reya,” he whispered, glancing at me and then back to the road. “Please don’t shut me out.”
“Leave me alone,” I croaked, turning my head from him.
He exhaled a gruff breath. “I don’t want to leave you alone. I want you to talk to me.”
“I’ve just been humiliated!” I snapped. “I don’t care if you want to talk. I don’t. So just shut the fuck up for once in your life.”
Trev seemed taken aback by my outburst. His throat bobbed and his jaw ticked as he returned his attention to the road. His hand reflexively tightened and loosened on the steering wheel. A few minutes of silence elapsed before he spoke again, his voice quiet, but with an under layer of steel.
“Do you have any idea how helpless I feel when I think about what happened to you? I think about that evil fucker and I know I can’t even get to him. I want to beat the living daylights out of him, until he’s so disfigured he can never touch another girl again.”
My voice was small when I replied, “What about me, Trev? I was the one it happened to. I’m the one who has to remember. You’re only pouring vinegar on the wound by bringing me to my family.”
He didn’t speak for a long time, then ran a hand down his face before settling it back on the steering wheel. “I just thought if I could help you find some resolution with your brother and sister, then maybe you’d feel better. At least that way I would’ve done something.”
“I told you so many times it was a lost cause. You should’ve listened to me.”
He didn’t have any response for that, because he stayed quiet. We didn’t talk the entire way back to the apartment. Trev parked on the street outside the building and I dove from the car. Instead of going inside, I headed down the street. He called after me but I didn’t respond.
If I went inside that apartment I’d be trapped with him, and I needed some time alone to lick my wounds. I’d been doing so well not thinking of my family, but now every single face was in my head, staring at me, some with pity, others with disgust. Mostly disgust. How could they? How could they judge me so harshly? How could they claim to love me then turn their backs with scorn and contempt?
I was the victim.
I stepped inside a café, relieved Trev hadn’t decided to follow me, and ordered a coffee and a sandwich. It sat untouched on the table as I stared out the window, vacantly watching people going to and fro. I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there when the waitress came and asked if everything was all right. I nodded silently, slipped her some euros and left.
After that I walked for miles. I was familiar enough with the city not to get lost, and after spending my days cooped up with six other people, I was feeling a little suffocated.
It was evening when I finally returned to the apartment. Everyone was there, relaxing after a long day of filming. They barely noticed me come in and I went straight to my room. It only took a minute before my door flung open and Trev barrelled in.
“Reya, I’ve been so fucking worried about you,” he said, striding forward as though to take me in his arms but I stepped aside.
“I’m fine. Just needed some time to clear my head.”
His eyes shone with remorse. “I’m so sorry about today. You were right. I shouldn’t have brought you there.”
I held up a hand. “Look, what’s done is done. I need to go put my clothes in the dryer.”
I walked past him, but he followed me to the laundry room. I knelt down and started pulling my clothes from the washing machine and stuffing them into the dryer. Trev stood by the door, arms folded, face probably like a sad puppy.
I wasn’t holding what he did against him, because I knew his heart was in the right place, but I also wasn’t ready to go back to being loved up just yet. He needed to know that he couldn’t just spring things on me like that. He couldn’t meddle in my family situation, or lack thereof, without warning me. That wasn’t the relationship I wanted. It reminded me of what his doctor had said to him about the id. “The id wants instant gratification rather than to work for a certain result.” Perhaps Trevor would always struggle with that.
I could see that today was the only day for it. We wouldn’t be in Madrid for long and we’d both be busy from tomorrow on. Still, last night had been a turning point. I woke up this morning feeling different, more free, in love, but then his choice damaged our new start. Forced me to revisit old demons.
When I slammed the door of the dryer shut I could hardly stand the tension anymore. “Look, Trev, I can’t talk to you right now. What happened today, it made me feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest all over again and I’m still hurting.”
