Holy Smokes
Page 66
The overhead lights in the small room burst and would have showered tiny little bits of glass down upon us if we’d still been there. But since the demon suited action to words and sucked the entire wedding party off to see Bael, by the time the glass hit the floor, we were gone.
I don’t know if it was the act of being yanked through the very fabric of time and space that dropped the euphoric sense of giddiness that lack of sleep had brought upon me, or if it was the look in Bael’s eyes as he turned slowly to consider me, but whatever it was, I suddenly found myself as sober as a judge…and mad as hell.
“It’s only eleven,” I told Bael. “Our appointment was for twelve.”
“Goodness, what—oh, my!” Paula said, clutching my stepfather. “What just happened? Where are we? David, did you see?”
“Yes,” he answered slowly, taking in our situation. We were standing in front of a massive desk, in a wood-paneled room that was filled with books.
“Where are we?” she asked.
“You have yet to keep an appointment. I simply ensured you made this one,” Bael answered.
“You interrupted my wedding!” I said, squaring my shoulders as I met the gaze of the demon lord.
“A wedding—how quaint.” Bael changed appearances like the rest of us changed clothes. Today he appeared square-jawed and blue-eyed, wearing a navy blue suit and holding a sheaf of papers. He would have been indistinguishable from any other businessman except for the black corona of power that crackled around him. “I assume these people are your parents?”
I moved to stand protectively in front of Paula. “Yes. Please send them back—they have nothing to do with the situation between us.”
“On the contrary, I find their presence most refreshing.” His eyes moved to Drake. “And a wyvern. It has been many centuries since I have entertained dragons. You are welcome here.”
Drake inclined his head politely. “I must insist that my mate’s request be granted. The members of the weyr will naturally remain with Aisling, but the mortals must be returned to their world.”
“Indeed? But then how will she be able to present me with their sacrifice?” Bael asked, setting down the papers and smiling pleasantly at me.
If I’d been mortal, that smile probably would have taken a good twenty years off my life.
“Mortals? Weyr? Aisling, who is this man? What’s going on?” Paula asked.
“Send them back,” I said swiftly to Bael. “Now. Please.”
“And miss the fun of watching you explain to these good people who and what you are?” Amusement was rife in his eyes. “I think not.”
Uncle Damian pulled Paula and David back, murmuring quietly in their ears. I flashed him a grateful look and returned my attention to Bael. I had enough wits left to me to know that what I had planned was going to need every bit of my power to pull off without anyone being destroyed.
“What?” Paula said, her voice rising in a shriek. “Hell? We’re in Hell? And that man is the devil? Well! He has some nerve!”
Before I could stop her she marched over to Bael, put her hands on her hips, and glared.
“Oh, my god,” I muttered, rushing to her side. “Paula, please—”
“I knew one day I would come face-to-face with the devil, although I didn’t think that would be until Judgment Day, but since we’re both here, I have a few things I’d like to say to you. Hitler! Terrorists! Chlorine in the water system!”
“I believe it’s fluoride you’re thinking of, dear, not chlorine,” David said thoughtfully.
Bael looked startled for a moment as Paula shook her fist at him. “Does this mother of yours, this mortal, dare to chastise me?”
“Crib deaths! That’s you, too, isn’t it? And those nasty cult people and their poison Kool-Aid! And drug users! You’re probably responsible for all the drug users!”
“Um…” I put my hands on Paula’s shoulders and pulled her back. “Yeah. She gets a bit overwrought about things.”
“Henry the Eighth…he was evil, chopping off all his wives’ heads. Don’t you deny it! Oh! And the Reagan presidency!”
“Now I know where you get your irreverence,” he said, looking askance as she poked him in the chest.
“What about cattle mutilations? Don’t say you’re not behind those, because I know you are! Just think of all those innocent cows!”
“We’re not actually related by blood,” I told him, pulling her back again. This time Uncle Damian snagged her and hauled her back to where my stepfather stood.
“I believe cattle mutilations are commonly thought to be caused by aliens,” David told her.
“Get thee behind me!” Paula shouted at Bael.
Bael rolled his eyes and waved a languid hand. “I grant your dispensation.”
The demon who’d brought us reached up and ripped a tear in the wall and pulled my family through it before Paula could do more than utter, “Mimes! You can’t tell me the devil doesn’t have anything to do with mimes!”
“Thank you,” I told Bael, relieved that at the very least, my family would be safe. “Now, about those six sacrifices you are demanding in homage. Traci, I summon thee.”
The steward appeared, wearing a disheveled tuxedo, the bow tie lying open along an unbuttoned, pleated shirt. In one hand it held a champagne flute, its arm wrapped around a blond female who was kissing the demon while stroking a hand down its bare chest. Traci’s other hand was holding the right breast of another scantily clad woman, this one nibbling on its ear.
“All in good time, my sweet,” Traci said the second the first female demon stopped sucking its face. “I promised your sister I would attend to her needs first.”
I coughed and raised my eyebrows.
“Oh, glorious fires of Abaddon. Lord Aisling! You said you would not need me today! I distinctly understood you to say that it was tomorrow that you’d want me….” The anger in Traci’s voice trailed away with all sound as it saw Bael. “Most revered Lord Bael! I…I was…”
“I don’t think anyone is confused about what you were doing,” I said, leaning against Drake. I was past the point of exhaustion—and thankfully also past the rummy stage of giddiness in which my mouth seemed to operate without any input from my brain—but my body felt slow and unresponsive, as if my limbs were weighted down. “Would you mind getting rid of your…thanks.”
I don’t know if it was the act of being yanked through the very fabric of time and space that dropped the euphoric sense of giddiness that lack of sleep had brought upon me, or if it was the look in Bael’s eyes as he turned slowly to consider me, but whatever it was, I suddenly found myself as sober as a judge…and mad as hell.
“It’s only eleven,” I told Bael. “Our appointment was for twelve.”
“Goodness, what—oh, my!” Paula said, clutching my stepfather. “What just happened? Where are we? David, did you see?”
“Yes,” he answered slowly, taking in our situation. We were standing in front of a massive desk, in a wood-paneled room that was filled with books.
“Where are we?” she asked.
“You have yet to keep an appointment. I simply ensured you made this one,” Bael answered.
“You interrupted my wedding!” I said, squaring my shoulders as I met the gaze of the demon lord.
“A wedding—how quaint.” Bael changed appearances like the rest of us changed clothes. Today he appeared square-jawed and blue-eyed, wearing a navy blue suit and holding a sheaf of papers. He would have been indistinguishable from any other businessman except for the black corona of power that crackled around him. “I assume these people are your parents?”
I moved to stand protectively in front of Paula. “Yes. Please send them back—they have nothing to do with the situation between us.”
“On the contrary, I find their presence most refreshing.” His eyes moved to Drake. “And a wyvern. It has been many centuries since I have entertained dragons. You are welcome here.”
Drake inclined his head politely. “I must insist that my mate’s request be granted. The members of the weyr will naturally remain with Aisling, but the mortals must be returned to their world.”
“Indeed? But then how will she be able to present me with their sacrifice?” Bael asked, setting down the papers and smiling pleasantly at me.
If I’d been mortal, that smile probably would have taken a good twenty years off my life.
“Mortals? Weyr? Aisling, who is this man? What’s going on?” Paula asked.
“Send them back,” I said swiftly to Bael. “Now. Please.”
“And miss the fun of watching you explain to these good people who and what you are?” Amusement was rife in his eyes. “I think not.”
Uncle Damian pulled Paula and David back, murmuring quietly in their ears. I flashed him a grateful look and returned my attention to Bael. I had enough wits left to me to know that what I had planned was going to need every bit of my power to pull off without anyone being destroyed.
“What?” Paula said, her voice rising in a shriek. “Hell? We’re in Hell? And that man is the devil? Well! He has some nerve!”
Before I could stop her she marched over to Bael, put her hands on her hips, and glared.
“Oh, my god,” I muttered, rushing to her side. “Paula, please—”
“I knew one day I would come face-to-face with the devil, although I didn’t think that would be until Judgment Day, but since we’re both here, I have a few things I’d like to say to you. Hitler! Terrorists! Chlorine in the water system!”
“I believe it’s fluoride you’re thinking of, dear, not chlorine,” David said thoughtfully.
Bael looked startled for a moment as Paula shook her fist at him. “Does this mother of yours, this mortal, dare to chastise me?”
“Crib deaths! That’s you, too, isn’t it? And those nasty cult people and their poison Kool-Aid! And drug users! You’re probably responsible for all the drug users!”
“Um…” I put my hands on Paula’s shoulders and pulled her back. “Yeah. She gets a bit overwrought about things.”
“Henry the Eighth…he was evil, chopping off all his wives’ heads. Don’t you deny it! Oh! And the Reagan presidency!”
“Now I know where you get your irreverence,” he said, looking askance as she poked him in the chest.
“What about cattle mutilations? Don’t say you’re not behind those, because I know you are! Just think of all those innocent cows!”
“We’re not actually related by blood,” I told him, pulling her back again. This time Uncle Damian snagged her and hauled her back to where my stepfather stood.
“I believe cattle mutilations are commonly thought to be caused by aliens,” David told her.
“Get thee behind me!” Paula shouted at Bael.
Bael rolled his eyes and waved a languid hand. “I grant your dispensation.”
The demon who’d brought us reached up and ripped a tear in the wall and pulled my family through it before Paula could do more than utter, “Mimes! You can’t tell me the devil doesn’t have anything to do with mimes!”
“Thank you,” I told Bael, relieved that at the very least, my family would be safe. “Now, about those six sacrifices you are demanding in homage. Traci, I summon thee.”
The steward appeared, wearing a disheveled tuxedo, the bow tie lying open along an unbuttoned, pleated shirt. In one hand it held a champagne flute, its arm wrapped around a blond female who was kissing the demon while stroking a hand down its bare chest. Traci’s other hand was holding the right breast of another scantily clad woman, this one nibbling on its ear.
“All in good time, my sweet,” Traci said the second the first female demon stopped sucking its face. “I promised your sister I would attend to her needs first.”
I coughed and raised my eyebrows.
“Oh, glorious fires of Abaddon. Lord Aisling! You said you would not need me today! I distinctly understood you to say that it was tomorrow that you’d want me….” The anger in Traci’s voice trailed away with all sound as it saw Bael. “Most revered Lord Bael! I…I was…”
“I don’t think anyone is confused about what you were doing,” I said, leaning against Drake. I was past the point of exhaustion—and thankfully also past the rummy stage of giddiness in which my mouth seemed to operate without any input from my brain—but my body felt slow and unresponsive, as if my limbs were weighted down. “Would you mind getting rid of your…thanks.”
