If I Die
Page 39
Yes.
No! I shook my head, trying to jostle my conflicting thoughts into some semblance of order. Youre such a hypocrite! Did your first time mean something? Did a choir of angels set the mood with an a cappella fanfare celebrating your union? I demanded, and Tod just stared at me, his expression caught somewhere between surprise and regret. Why do you even care if I sleep with Nash?
Why did I care that he cared?
He turned to stare out his window again. I just assumed youd have something a little more meaningful on your last to-do list.
And thats when I realized he had no idea why we were breaking into Lakeside. Not that its any of your business, but this little field trip were on has a purpose. Im hoping a psych patient named Farrah Combs can give me the information I need to get rid of the incubus posing as my math teacher so that he cant seduce and either kill or impregnate my best friend after Im dead. Is that noble enough for you?
Tod blinked. Then he blinked again, clearly stunned. Yeah, actually. Thats more like what I thought youd be doing.
Well, dont read too much into it. Im not a saint, and I dont want to be. I just want to be normal. I want to have fights with my dad, and secrets with my best friend, and sex with my boyfriend. But most of all, I want to not be dead in a few days. Im not done living! And I cant fit everything else I want to do into the next ninety-six hours, and no matter how many dying wishes I make, thats not going to change. And I hate it!
Tod laughed, and my teeth ground together as I swerved smoothly onto the exit ramp. Why the hell is that funny?
Its not. Its just a relief to hear you sounding less than rational and perfectly accepting of your own death. For a while it looked like you were going to go gentle into that good night, or whatever. And thats not you, Kaylee.
I glanced at him, brows raised in surprise. Tod rarely ever said what I expected to hear, but poetry was new, even for him. You like it better when I rage, rage against the dying of the light?
I like it when you rage, rage against anything. It makes you look fierce andalive. The blues in his eyes started to swirl. And if you tell anyone I quoted Dylan Thomas, Ill Well, I wont have to do anything, because no one will believe you.
The light ahead turned red, and I slowed to a stop in the left turn lane, then laid one hand over my heart and gave him a cheesy, wide-eyed double-blink. I will take your secret to my grave.
I wish you didnt have to.
Yeah, me, too. My chest ached just thinking about it.
The light changed and I turned left, then pulled into the parking lot on the right. Lakeside was attached to ArlingtonMemorial, the hospital where Tod worked as a reaperunbeknownst to the livingand his mother worked as a third-shift triage nurse, but it was a separate building, with a separate entrance and better security.
I parked in the last row and killed the engine, then sat there staring at the building for a minute, trying to calm the flutter of panic the sight of it raised in my stomach, even though I had no memory of being taken in. Id just woken up inside, all alone, strapped to a bed in a featureless white room.
You sure about this? Tod asked, watching me.
Yeah. Thanks for helping, even if its just to fulfill my last request, I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
How is it fair that you get, like, five dying wishes and I didnt even get one?
No dying wish? I frowned. Thats criminal.
Tod shrugged. One of the many downsides to an unexpected death.
Better late than never, I said, pushing my car door open. I officially owe you one dying wish.
Tods pale brows arched halfway up his forehead, and he looked suddenly, achingly wistful. She knows not what she says
Maybe not. But I was starting to get a pretty good idea.
11
So whats the plan? Tod asked, as we stared at the building, sitting side by side on the hood of my car.
I shrugged. Nothing complicated. You get me in, we find Farrah, I ask her questions.
Sounds simple enough.
If you dont count the million and one things that could go wrong. How long can you keep me invisible?
As long as were in physical contact.
My throat felt suddenly dry. Holding hands? Thats how wed done it last time.
Unless you had something else in mind.
I Words deserted me until he grinned, and I realized he was kidding. No wonder you and Nash cant get along.
We get along. He brushed that one stubborn curl back from his forehead. We just dont agree on anything.
That doesnt make any sense.
It would if you had a brother.
I could only shake off confusion and change the subject. Last time we did this, you couldnt keep me invisible and inaudible at the same time. Has that changed? Do you think you could make sure only Farrah can see and hear us?
Another shrug. Only one way to find out He stood and I slid off the hood, my palms suddenly damp from nerves, in spite of my determination to do what needed to be done. To protect Emma by getting rid of Mr. Beck and to face this, my worst fear, before I faced death. The thought of which was rapidly becoming my second worst fear.
No! I shook my head, trying to jostle my conflicting thoughts into some semblance of order. Youre such a hypocrite! Did your first time mean something? Did a choir of angels set the mood with an a cappella fanfare celebrating your union? I demanded, and Tod just stared at me, his expression caught somewhere between surprise and regret. Why do you even care if I sleep with Nash?
Why did I care that he cared?
He turned to stare out his window again. I just assumed youd have something a little more meaningful on your last to-do list.
And thats when I realized he had no idea why we were breaking into Lakeside. Not that its any of your business, but this little field trip were on has a purpose. Im hoping a psych patient named Farrah Combs can give me the information I need to get rid of the incubus posing as my math teacher so that he cant seduce and either kill or impregnate my best friend after Im dead. Is that noble enough for you?
Tod blinked. Then he blinked again, clearly stunned. Yeah, actually. Thats more like what I thought youd be doing.
Well, dont read too much into it. Im not a saint, and I dont want to be. I just want to be normal. I want to have fights with my dad, and secrets with my best friend, and sex with my boyfriend. But most of all, I want to not be dead in a few days. Im not done living! And I cant fit everything else I want to do into the next ninety-six hours, and no matter how many dying wishes I make, thats not going to change. And I hate it!
Tod laughed, and my teeth ground together as I swerved smoothly onto the exit ramp. Why the hell is that funny?
Its not. Its just a relief to hear you sounding less than rational and perfectly accepting of your own death. For a while it looked like you were going to go gentle into that good night, or whatever. And thats not you, Kaylee.
I glanced at him, brows raised in surprise. Tod rarely ever said what I expected to hear, but poetry was new, even for him. You like it better when I rage, rage against the dying of the light?
I like it when you rage, rage against anything. It makes you look fierce andalive. The blues in his eyes started to swirl. And if you tell anyone I quoted Dylan Thomas, Ill Well, I wont have to do anything, because no one will believe you.
The light ahead turned red, and I slowed to a stop in the left turn lane, then laid one hand over my heart and gave him a cheesy, wide-eyed double-blink. I will take your secret to my grave.
I wish you didnt have to.
Yeah, me, too. My chest ached just thinking about it.
The light changed and I turned left, then pulled into the parking lot on the right. Lakeside was attached to ArlingtonMemorial, the hospital where Tod worked as a reaperunbeknownst to the livingand his mother worked as a third-shift triage nurse, but it was a separate building, with a separate entrance and better security.
I parked in the last row and killed the engine, then sat there staring at the building for a minute, trying to calm the flutter of panic the sight of it raised in my stomach, even though I had no memory of being taken in. Id just woken up inside, all alone, strapped to a bed in a featureless white room.
You sure about this? Tod asked, watching me.
Yeah. Thanks for helping, even if its just to fulfill my last request, I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
How is it fair that you get, like, five dying wishes and I didnt even get one?
No dying wish? I frowned. Thats criminal.
Tod shrugged. One of the many downsides to an unexpected death.
Better late than never, I said, pushing my car door open. I officially owe you one dying wish.
Tods pale brows arched halfway up his forehead, and he looked suddenly, achingly wistful. She knows not what she says
Maybe not. But I was starting to get a pretty good idea.
11
So whats the plan? Tod asked, as we stared at the building, sitting side by side on the hood of my car.
I shrugged. Nothing complicated. You get me in, we find Farrah, I ask her questions.
Sounds simple enough.
If you dont count the million and one things that could go wrong. How long can you keep me invisible?
As long as were in physical contact.
My throat felt suddenly dry. Holding hands? Thats how wed done it last time.
Unless you had something else in mind.
I Words deserted me until he grinned, and I realized he was kidding. No wonder you and Nash cant get along.
We get along. He brushed that one stubborn curl back from his forehead. We just dont agree on anything.
That doesnt make any sense.
It would if you had a brother.
I could only shake off confusion and change the subject. Last time we did this, you couldnt keep me invisible and inaudible at the same time. Has that changed? Do you think you could make sure only Farrah can see and hear us?
Another shrug. Only one way to find out He stood and I slid off the hood, my palms suddenly damp from nerves, in spite of my determination to do what needed to be done. To protect Emma by getting rid of Mr. Beck and to face this, my worst fear, before I faced death. The thought of which was rapidly becoming my second worst fear.
