If I Die
Page 40
Tod was already walking toward the buildingno doubt moving corporeally for my exclusive benefitbut when he realized I wasnt with him, he turned. It wont be like last time, he said, with one look at my face.
You dont know what last time was like. My hands started to shake at the memory of waking up strapped to a tall bed in an empty room.
I know you couldnt leave, and you didnt know what was happening to you. And I know youre more scared of going back in there than of crossing into the Netherworld.
I stared at him, confused by the ache in my chest, like my heart suddenly needed more space.
This time, you can leave whenever you want, Tod said. You just say the word, and Ill make the rest of the world go away. Ill take you someplace safe, where no one else can reach us.
I couldnt see anything but his eyes, staring into mine. I couldnt take a breath deep enough to satisfy the need for one. I kept waiting for him to laugh, or grin, or do something to break the moment stretching between us. And when he didntwhen he let that moment swell into something raw, and fragile, and too real for me to think about, I crossed my arms over my chest and scrounged up a challenging grin to lighten the moment. You think I need to be rescued?
I think it doesnt hurt to let someone else do the rescuing every now and then, when your own armor starts to get banged up.
Maybe he was right. And you think youre up to the challenge?
Some nameless emotion swirled in the blues of his eyes for just an instant. Im up to any challenge you could throw down. And several youve probably never thought of.
I laughed out loud. Im starting to see the family resemblance.
Tod frowned. Thats not funny.
I know. That time I took the lead and we stopped twenty feet from the back door, where the serene, manicured greenery gave way to cold concrete and two industrial trash bins.
You ready? Tod held his hand out and I took it, twining my fingers around his. His palm was warm and dry, and I tried to ignore the wave of confusion and possibility that crashed over me. There was no timeand no real purposefor either one.
Close your eyes, he whispered, and I was happy to comply, because I couldnt deal with what I might still see in his. Not now, anyway. Here we go
My stomach pitched with the sudden sensation that I was falling. I fought the urge to grab on to something and clung to Tods hand instead, surprised that it still felt warm and solid while my own body felt oddly insubstantial.
Then the world seemed to settle around me and I felt the floor beneath my feet. The air was cold and had that distinctive hospital smell, somehow both sterile and stale at thesame time. Tod squeezed my hand and I opened my eyes.
And the fears of my present slammed into the terror of my past.
Nothing had changed. Lakeside still looked and felt exactly the same.
We stood in the open common area of the youth ward, where patients gathered to eat, watch TV, play games, and have group therapy. The nurses station was only feet away, and the girls wing stretched out on my right. At the end of the hall was the room Id occupied, and I was overwhelmed with the perverse need to go see who lived there now, and whether her delusions could hold a candle to my own.
Youre not crazy, Kaylee.
I had to remind myself, because just being back in that place blurred the line between delusion and reality for me. The last time I was there, I hadnt known I was a bean sidhe. Id only known that I was seeing things no one else could seedark, horrifying auras surrounding certain people, and odd smoke, and things skittering through it. Id fought, and failed, against an overwhelming need to scream, and it was those fitswhat I thought were panic attacksthat landed me in Lakeside in the first place.
I dont suppose you know her room number? Tod said, and his volume alone told me no one else could hear him. I shook my head, unsure whether or not that benefit of his abilities extended to me. I think you can talk, he said, and I lifted both brows, silently asking if he was sure.
Tod shrugged. Give it a shot. Even if someone hears you, he wont be able to see you, and I bet half of these people are here because they already hear voices.
But I wasnt particularly eager to add my voice to the general din of insanity.
The hall was empty, except for the canned laughter of whatever was playing on the common-room TV and the clatter of plastic utensils, which told me wed arrived at the end of dinner. Any minute, the residents would emerge from the dining area and begin whatever doctor-approved leisure activities were currently available. But it wouldnt be enough. Not even a lifetime of books, puzzles, or games could make them forget where they were or that most of them would only ever leave when they were transferred to one of the adult wards.
And nothing could make the time pass any faster.
In here, Tod said, tugging me toward the nurses station, which was temporarily empty.
He glanced around for a second, then zeroed in on a chart hanging on the wall. What was her name?
Farrah Combs, I whispered, terrified that the nurse on duty would hear me and step out of the break room. Maybe we should have tested this plan in an unsecure part of the hospital first
Room 304, Tod said, and I scanned the chart long enough to see that he was right. And that Scott was in the first room on the left in the boys wing.
You dont know what last time was like. My hands started to shake at the memory of waking up strapped to a tall bed in an empty room.
I know you couldnt leave, and you didnt know what was happening to you. And I know youre more scared of going back in there than of crossing into the Netherworld.
I stared at him, confused by the ache in my chest, like my heart suddenly needed more space.
This time, you can leave whenever you want, Tod said. You just say the word, and Ill make the rest of the world go away. Ill take you someplace safe, where no one else can reach us.
I couldnt see anything but his eyes, staring into mine. I couldnt take a breath deep enough to satisfy the need for one. I kept waiting for him to laugh, or grin, or do something to break the moment stretching between us. And when he didntwhen he let that moment swell into something raw, and fragile, and too real for me to think about, I crossed my arms over my chest and scrounged up a challenging grin to lighten the moment. You think I need to be rescued?
I think it doesnt hurt to let someone else do the rescuing every now and then, when your own armor starts to get banged up.
Maybe he was right. And you think youre up to the challenge?
Some nameless emotion swirled in the blues of his eyes for just an instant. Im up to any challenge you could throw down. And several youve probably never thought of.
I laughed out loud. Im starting to see the family resemblance.
Tod frowned. Thats not funny.
I know. That time I took the lead and we stopped twenty feet from the back door, where the serene, manicured greenery gave way to cold concrete and two industrial trash bins.
You ready? Tod held his hand out and I took it, twining my fingers around his. His palm was warm and dry, and I tried to ignore the wave of confusion and possibility that crashed over me. There was no timeand no real purposefor either one.
Close your eyes, he whispered, and I was happy to comply, because I couldnt deal with what I might still see in his. Not now, anyway. Here we go
My stomach pitched with the sudden sensation that I was falling. I fought the urge to grab on to something and clung to Tods hand instead, surprised that it still felt warm and solid while my own body felt oddly insubstantial.
Then the world seemed to settle around me and I felt the floor beneath my feet. The air was cold and had that distinctive hospital smell, somehow both sterile and stale at thesame time. Tod squeezed my hand and I opened my eyes.
And the fears of my present slammed into the terror of my past.
Nothing had changed. Lakeside still looked and felt exactly the same.
We stood in the open common area of the youth ward, where patients gathered to eat, watch TV, play games, and have group therapy. The nurses station was only feet away, and the girls wing stretched out on my right. At the end of the hall was the room Id occupied, and I was overwhelmed with the perverse need to go see who lived there now, and whether her delusions could hold a candle to my own.
Youre not crazy, Kaylee.
I had to remind myself, because just being back in that place blurred the line between delusion and reality for me. The last time I was there, I hadnt known I was a bean sidhe. Id only known that I was seeing things no one else could seedark, horrifying auras surrounding certain people, and odd smoke, and things skittering through it. Id fought, and failed, against an overwhelming need to scream, and it was those fitswhat I thought were panic attacksthat landed me in Lakeside in the first place.
I dont suppose you know her room number? Tod said, and his volume alone told me no one else could hear him. I shook my head, unsure whether or not that benefit of his abilities extended to me. I think you can talk, he said, and I lifted both brows, silently asking if he was sure.
Tod shrugged. Give it a shot. Even if someone hears you, he wont be able to see you, and I bet half of these people are here because they already hear voices.
But I wasnt particularly eager to add my voice to the general din of insanity.
The hall was empty, except for the canned laughter of whatever was playing on the common-room TV and the clatter of plastic utensils, which told me wed arrived at the end of dinner. Any minute, the residents would emerge from the dining area and begin whatever doctor-approved leisure activities were currently available. But it wouldnt be enough. Not even a lifetime of books, puzzles, or games could make them forget where they were or that most of them would only ever leave when they were transferred to one of the adult wards.
And nothing could make the time pass any faster.
In here, Tod said, tugging me toward the nurses station, which was temporarily empty.
He glanced around for a second, then zeroed in on a chart hanging on the wall. What was her name?
Farrah Combs, I whispered, terrified that the nurse on duty would hear me and step out of the break room. Maybe we should have tested this plan in an unsecure part of the hospital first
Room 304, Tod said, and I scanned the chart long enough to see that he was right. And that Scott was in the first room on the left in the boys wing.
