If I Die
Page 41
We headed into the girls wing, but before we were halfway down the hall, footsteps squeaked on the tile ahead and a woman in purple scrubs emerged from one room carrying a clipboard with a pen chained to the metal clasp. I stood frozen in the middle of the hall, suddenly sure shed see me, in spite of Tods assurance to the contrary.
Relax. He squeezed my hand. She cant see either of us, and I dont think she can hear you, either. When the nurse got too close for comfort, I stepped out of her way, still clinging to Tods hand, and was both fascinated and a little scared of the fact that she obviously had no idea we were there. She didnt hesitate or look up from her clipboard. If she got any telltale chills or weird feelings, I saw no sign. It was like Tod and I existed in our own world, population two, surrounded by the real world, but not a part of it.
Is it always like this for you? I asked in a spontaneous moment of bravery, and I couldnt resist a sigh of relief when the nurse kept walking. She hadnt heard me.
Like what? Tod asked from inches away, and suddenly I was very aware of his hand in mine, his fingers rough and real against my own, in spite of how very tenuous the rest of reality felt in that moment.
Like this. I gestured at the rest of the building as the first residents stepped into the hallway, girls with stringy hair and sweatpants, most wearing slippers or laceless shoes. Dinner was over. Like youre alone in a crowd. Like youre not really here at all.
Tod stared at me like I wasnt making any sense. Or like I was making too much sense. Yeah. Most of the time. But Ive never been more here than I am right now. His hand tightened around mine again, and my pulse raced, running from something I couldnt think about yet.
As the girls shuffled toward us, a couple blinking in medicated dazes, several guys headed in the opposite direction, toward the boys wing, and I glimpsed a dark head that might have been Scotts. Or might not have been. I wanted to check on him, but business came first.
Still holding Tods hand, I stared into the faces of the girls as they passed me, waiting for one of them to turn into room 304. I had no idea what Farrah Combs looked likeshe could have been any one of the girls passing us. A couple of the faces did look familiarit creeped me out to think we may have been residents together.
But none of them went into room 304, and before I could pull Tod into the room to wait for its resident, the woman in purple scrubs stepped in front of me and knocked on that very door. Surprised, I pulled Tod with me as she pushed the door open and stepped into the doorway, just far enough into the room to get the residents attention.
Farrah? she said, and my heart leapt into my throat. If there was a reply from inside, I couldnt hear it. You didnt even touchyour tray today. The doctor says if you dont eat, theyll have to feed you intravenously. You dont want that, do you?
Again, there was no audible response, and based on the nurses frown, there was no silent gesture, either.
I edged down the hall toward 304, my pulse racing fast enough to make me light-headed and Tod came with me.
Normally we dont make these kinds of accommodations, the nurse said. But considering your situation Is there anything I can get you? Anything youd particularly like to eat?
Again there was no answer, and I was actually starting to feel sorry for the nurse. And to wish thered been more like her when I was there
Okay then, she said, in response to nothing Id heard. Please let me know if theres anything I can do to make you feel better.
Wow. She was really going out of her way for one resident.
I flattened myself against the wall when the nurse headed down the hall again, but Tod let her walk right through him. What does that feel like? I asked, whispering out of instinct. Talking when no one else could hear me felt weird.
He shrugged, looking right into my eyes. Right now, this is all I feel. He held our intertwined hands up for me to see and I wanted to look away, but I couldnt break the hold his gaze had on me, like he could see more than anyone else saw. Things I couldnt even see myself.
I didnt know what to sayI could hardly remember how to take my next breathbut then he looked away first, like maybe he wished he could take it back. So I let him tug me toward the open door still swimming in confusion.
I stepped inside first with Tod close at my back. The room was a double, with two identical low beds against opposite walls. There were two sets of metal shelves bolted to the walls in place of dressers, and a door on the left led to a tiny private bathroom.
The bed on the right was empty and sort of haphazardly made, the plain white blanket pulled up and the pillow tossed on top. But Farrah Combsit had to be hersat cross-legged on the other mattress, white sheet and blanket shoved to the bottom of the bed, waist-length, greasy brown hair hanging like a curtain over her face and half her body. She stared at a book open on the bed in front of her, and I desperately wanted to see her face.
Can you let her see and hear us? I asked Tod, acutely aware of his hand in mine. Just her?
He nodded, and I turned back to the girl on the bed. Hi, Farrah, I said, and she looked up slowly, like shed heard me on some kind of a delay. Her face was gaunt and deeply shad owed, her arms thin and knobby at the wrists and elbows. When my gaze met hers, I realized two things immediately about Farrah Combs. First, she was sick, and not just mentally.
Relax. He squeezed my hand. She cant see either of us, and I dont think she can hear you, either. When the nurse got too close for comfort, I stepped out of her way, still clinging to Tods hand, and was both fascinated and a little scared of the fact that she obviously had no idea we were there. She didnt hesitate or look up from her clipboard. If she got any telltale chills or weird feelings, I saw no sign. It was like Tod and I existed in our own world, population two, surrounded by the real world, but not a part of it.
Is it always like this for you? I asked in a spontaneous moment of bravery, and I couldnt resist a sigh of relief when the nurse kept walking. She hadnt heard me.
Like what? Tod asked from inches away, and suddenly I was very aware of his hand in mine, his fingers rough and real against my own, in spite of how very tenuous the rest of reality felt in that moment.
Like this. I gestured at the rest of the building as the first residents stepped into the hallway, girls with stringy hair and sweatpants, most wearing slippers or laceless shoes. Dinner was over. Like youre alone in a crowd. Like youre not really here at all.
Tod stared at me like I wasnt making any sense. Or like I was making too much sense. Yeah. Most of the time. But Ive never been more here than I am right now. His hand tightened around mine again, and my pulse raced, running from something I couldnt think about yet.
As the girls shuffled toward us, a couple blinking in medicated dazes, several guys headed in the opposite direction, toward the boys wing, and I glimpsed a dark head that might have been Scotts. Or might not have been. I wanted to check on him, but business came first.
Still holding Tods hand, I stared into the faces of the girls as they passed me, waiting for one of them to turn into room 304. I had no idea what Farrah Combs looked likeshe could have been any one of the girls passing us. A couple of the faces did look familiarit creeped me out to think we may have been residents together.
But none of them went into room 304, and before I could pull Tod into the room to wait for its resident, the woman in purple scrubs stepped in front of me and knocked on that very door. Surprised, I pulled Tod with me as she pushed the door open and stepped into the doorway, just far enough into the room to get the residents attention.
Farrah? she said, and my heart leapt into my throat. If there was a reply from inside, I couldnt hear it. You didnt even touchyour tray today. The doctor says if you dont eat, theyll have to feed you intravenously. You dont want that, do you?
Again, there was no audible response, and based on the nurses frown, there was no silent gesture, either.
I edged down the hall toward 304, my pulse racing fast enough to make me light-headed and Tod came with me.
Normally we dont make these kinds of accommodations, the nurse said. But considering your situation Is there anything I can get you? Anything youd particularly like to eat?
Again there was no answer, and I was actually starting to feel sorry for the nurse. And to wish thered been more like her when I was there
Okay then, she said, in response to nothing Id heard. Please let me know if theres anything I can do to make you feel better.
Wow. She was really going out of her way for one resident.
I flattened myself against the wall when the nurse headed down the hall again, but Tod let her walk right through him. What does that feel like? I asked, whispering out of instinct. Talking when no one else could hear me felt weird.
He shrugged, looking right into my eyes. Right now, this is all I feel. He held our intertwined hands up for me to see and I wanted to look away, but I couldnt break the hold his gaze had on me, like he could see more than anyone else saw. Things I couldnt even see myself.
I didnt know what to sayI could hardly remember how to take my next breathbut then he looked away first, like maybe he wished he could take it back. So I let him tug me toward the open door still swimming in confusion.
I stepped inside first with Tod close at my back. The room was a double, with two identical low beds against opposite walls. There were two sets of metal shelves bolted to the walls in place of dressers, and a door on the left led to a tiny private bathroom.
The bed on the right was empty and sort of haphazardly made, the plain white blanket pulled up and the pillow tossed on top. But Farrah Combsit had to be hersat cross-legged on the other mattress, white sheet and blanket shoved to the bottom of the bed, waist-length, greasy brown hair hanging like a curtain over her face and half her body. She stared at a book open on the bed in front of her, and I desperately wanted to see her face.
Can you let her see and hear us? I asked Tod, acutely aware of his hand in mine. Just her?
He nodded, and I turned back to the girl on the bed. Hi, Farrah, I said, and she looked up slowly, like shed heard me on some kind of a delay. Her face was gaunt and deeply shad owed, her arms thin and knobby at the wrists and elbows. When my gaze met hers, I realized two things immediately about Farrah Combs. First, she was sick, and not just mentally.
