If I Die
Page 42
And secondshe was very, very pregnant.
Oh, wow. Questions flew through my mind so fast I couldnt harness them. Was this Mr. Becks baby? If so, why had he tried again with Danica? Was one kid not enough? Was this one not a boy?
Farrah? I said, finally. Are you Farrah Combs?
I used to be, she said, her voice higher and sweeter than Id expected.
I glanced at Tod, but he could only shrug.
Soyoure not Farrah Combs now? I asked, and she shook her head slowly. Then who are you?
No one, she said. Im not real. Her brown eyes widened in sudden interest. Are you real?
Yeah. For a few more days, anyway I said, and Tods hand squeezed mine again. Farrah, can I talk to you about your baby?
She shrugged and glanced at her round belly, barely covered by the T-shirt stretched over it. Hes not real, either. Feels real, though. She flinched and pressed one hand against her bulging stomach.
Can you tell me who the father is? I asked, and she shook her head solemnly. Please, Farrah? Its very important.
I cant Her voice faded into a whisper on the last sound.
Why not?
Because hes real. She barely breathed the words, and the tears standing in her eyes made my heart ache. Hes still real, and I was real when he touched me, but he doesnt touch me anymore. But I remember being real. She looked at her book again and turned a page she couldnt possibly have seen through her tears.
Why do you think youre not real, Farrah? I asked, dropping into a squat next to her bed with Tod at my side.
He told me. Im not real, and this place isnt real, so none of this matters. Soon it will all be over.
Over? My stomach clenched around nothing, and anger on Farrahs behalf blossomed like a fresh bruise on my soul.
Are you sure youre real? she asked, and I could only nod, still trying to understand what she wasnt really saying. What about him? She looked right at Tod and he gave her a small smile.
Yes, Farrah, Im real, too.
Her frown was a childs pout, innocently skeptical. You ask a lot of questions for real people.
Yeah, I guess we do, I said, though I had no idea what she meant. Farrah, what can you tell me about your babys father? Can you tell me his name?
She shook her head again, and long brown hair fell over her face, half hiding one brown eye. The baby isnt real, she said. So he doesnt get a name, either.
I stood, frustrated, and nearly jumped out of my own skin when cloth rustledbehind me.
Hope youre not expecting any of that to make sense, a new voice said, and my grip on Tods hand tightened as I whirled around to find another resident in the doorway. Her bright blue eyesshadowed by dark circlesseemed to watch the entire room at once, but never quite focused on us, and I realized she couldnt see us. Maybe she couldnt even hear us. But she clearly knew we were there.
Theres no message in her madness. The new girl stepped hesitantly into the room, like a blind woman afraid of running into a wall. No hidden code. Shes been told she doesnt exist, so she believes it. She took another step forward and I almost felt sorry for her, wandering around in the dark. Figuratively. I tried telling her she does exist, but since Im evidently not real either, she doesnt believe me. I dont think she even hears me.
She cant see or hear us, Tod whispered, and I knew by his volume alone that he was unnerved. How the hell does she know were here?
Maybe youre not as good at this as you think you are, I whispered, my gaze glued to the new girl. Who was starting to look vaguely, uncomfortably familiar.
He shook his head. Im every bit as good as I think I am.
If youre going to hang out in my room, show yourself. Loitering unseen is rude, you know.
I glanced at Tod and he shrugged, waiting for my opinion. And finally I nodded.
I knew the moment Farrahs roommate saw us because she gave a startled little yip and kind of jumped back, bumping her hip against the shelves bolted to the wall. Two of you. Didnt see that coming.
Sorry, I said, and the roommates gaze narrowed on me like my face was a puzzle she needed to solve.
Thanks forshowing up. I was starting to think I really was losing it.
Are you sure youre not? Tod asked, and I elbowed him in the ribs. No fair making the residents doubt their own sanity. They got enough of that from the doctors.
As sure as I am that youre standing there, the roommate said. Then she laughed at her own joke, and discomfort crawled over my skin. I hate nut-job humor like Emma hates blond jokes.
How did you know we were here? Tod asked, his grip tight around my hand, suspicious frown trained on the newcomer.
Because Farrah doesnt talk to herself. She doesnt talk to anyone, actually. At least, no one the rest of us can see. And Ive seen enough to know that just because I cant see something doesnt mean it isnt there. Her focus shifted to me again, and again she seemed to be looking for something in my eyes. You dont remember me do you?
Oh, wow. Questions flew through my mind so fast I couldnt harness them. Was this Mr. Becks baby? If so, why had he tried again with Danica? Was one kid not enough? Was this one not a boy?
Farrah? I said, finally. Are you Farrah Combs?
I used to be, she said, her voice higher and sweeter than Id expected.
I glanced at Tod, but he could only shrug.
Soyoure not Farrah Combs now? I asked, and she shook her head slowly. Then who are you?
No one, she said. Im not real. Her brown eyes widened in sudden interest. Are you real?
Yeah. For a few more days, anyway I said, and Tods hand squeezed mine again. Farrah, can I talk to you about your baby?
She shrugged and glanced at her round belly, barely covered by the T-shirt stretched over it. Hes not real, either. Feels real, though. She flinched and pressed one hand against her bulging stomach.
Can you tell me who the father is? I asked, and she shook her head solemnly. Please, Farrah? Its very important.
I cant Her voice faded into a whisper on the last sound.
Why not?
Because hes real. She barely breathed the words, and the tears standing in her eyes made my heart ache. Hes still real, and I was real when he touched me, but he doesnt touch me anymore. But I remember being real. She looked at her book again and turned a page she couldnt possibly have seen through her tears.
Why do you think youre not real, Farrah? I asked, dropping into a squat next to her bed with Tod at my side.
He told me. Im not real, and this place isnt real, so none of this matters. Soon it will all be over.
Over? My stomach clenched around nothing, and anger on Farrahs behalf blossomed like a fresh bruise on my soul.
Are you sure youre real? she asked, and I could only nod, still trying to understand what she wasnt really saying. What about him? She looked right at Tod and he gave her a small smile.
Yes, Farrah, Im real, too.
Her frown was a childs pout, innocently skeptical. You ask a lot of questions for real people.
Yeah, I guess we do, I said, though I had no idea what she meant. Farrah, what can you tell me about your babys father? Can you tell me his name?
She shook her head again, and long brown hair fell over her face, half hiding one brown eye. The baby isnt real, she said. So he doesnt get a name, either.
I stood, frustrated, and nearly jumped out of my own skin when cloth rustledbehind me.
Hope youre not expecting any of that to make sense, a new voice said, and my grip on Tods hand tightened as I whirled around to find another resident in the doorway. Her bright blue eyesshadowed by dark circlesseemed to watch the entire room at once, but never quite focused on us, and I realized she couldnt see us. Maybe she couldnt even hear us. But she clearly knew we were there.
Theres no message in her madness. The new girl stepped hesitantly into the room, like a blind woman afraid of running into a wall. No hidden code. Shes been told she doesnt exist, so she believes it. She took another step forward and I almost felt sorry for her, wandering around in the dark. Figuratively. I tried telling her she does exist, but since Im evidently not real either, she doesnt believe me. I dont think she even hears me.
She cant see or hear us, Tod whispered, and I knew by his volume alone that he was unnerved. How the hell does she know were here?
Maybe youre not as good at this as you think you are, I whispered, my gaze glued to the new girl. Who was starting to look vaguely, uncomfortably familiar.
He shook his head. Im every bit as good as I think I am.
If youre going to hang out in my room, show yourself. Loitering unseen is rude, you know.
I glanced at Tod and he shrugged, waiting for my opinion. And finally I nodded.
I knew the moment Farrahs roommate saw us because she gave a startled little yip and kind of jumped back, bumping her hip against the shelves bolted to the wall. Two of you. Didnt see that coming.
Sorry, I said, and the roommates gaze narrowed on me like my face was a puzzle she needed to solve.
Thanks forshowing up. I was starting to think I really was losing it.
Are you sure youre not? Tod asked, and I elbowed him in the ribs. No fair making the residents doubt their own sanity. They got enough of that from the doctors.
As sure as I am that youre standing there, the roommate said. Then she laughed at her own joke, and discomfort crawled over my skin. I hate nut-job humor like Emma hates blond jokes.
How did you know we were here? Tod asked, his grip tight around my hand, suspicious frown trained on the newcomer.
Because Farrah doesnt talk to herself. She doesnt talk to anyone, actually. At least, no one the rest of us can see. And Ive seen enough to know that just because I cant see something doesnt mean it isnt there. Her focus shifted to me again, and again she seemed to be looking for something in my eyes. You dont remember me do you?
