If I Die
Page 5
Because the reaper gighe extinguished life and reaped souls at the local hospital from midnight to noondidnt pay in human currency, Tod had begun delivering pizza for spending money during his free time. At my suggestion.
At first, Id been amused by the fact that you could get both death and a large pepperoni delivered by the same person. But after Danica Sussmans first period miscarriage and the news of my own impending demise, nothing seemed very funny at the moment.
Styx is probably starving, I mumbled, pulling open the fridge. My fathers warm hand landed firmly over mine on the handle and he pushed the door closed.
Kaylee, please sit down. We need to talk about this.
I know. But I was terrified that if I stopped moving for more than a second, that cloud of denial would clear and leave me staring at the ugly truth. And Id already faced more than my share of ugly truths in the almost-seventeen years of my life.
Finally I nodded reluctantly. For all I knew, I didnt have the luxury of avoiding the truth for very long.
I opened the fridge again and pulled out a can of Coke, then followed my dad into the living room, where Tod was already seated in my fathers recliner. For once, Dad didnt yell at him to move. Instead, he sat on the couch with me, and I could see that he wanted to hug me, but I couldnt let him, because that gesture of grief would make it real, and no matter how little time I had left, I wasnt ready for that. Not yet.
So I would focus on the facts, rather than the truth. Because no matter what it sounds like, theres actually a very big difference between the two.
Are you sure? I asked, holding the cold can with both hands, relishing the discomfort because it meant that I was still alive.
Tod nodded miserably. Normally I dont see the names more than a day or two in advance, but because youre already on borrowed time, your name came on the special list.
Special
I was on borrowed time because Id already died once. I was only three at the time, and thirteen years later, I only knew what Id been told long after the fact: I was scheduled to die that night, on the side of an icy road in an accident. However, my parents couldnt stand the thought of losing their only child, so my father tried to exchange his death date for mine. But the reaper was a vicious bastard, and he took my mothers life instead.
Id been living my mothers lifeliterallysince I was three years old. And now her lifeline was coming to its end. Which meant that I would die. Again.
Arent you just a rookie? My father frowned skeptically. How do you even have access to this special list? Normally, my dad wouldnt hesitate to question the reaper, based solely on the fact that they didnt get along. But his disbelief this time had a deeperroot. One I understood.
If Tod was wrong, or even lying for some reason, then maybe I wasnt going to die. Maybe my borrowed lifeline wasnt really sliding through my fingers faster than I could cling to it.
Thats the weird thing, Tod said, unbothered by my dads skepticism. Normally, I wouldnt have access to it. If Id known it was coming up, I could have looked up the specifics on the sly. Tod had his bosss passwords because hed set them up in the first placehe was one of only two reapers in the district young enough to have grown up with computers. But this time I didnt have to. When I went in this afternoon to pick up my own list, Levi sent me into his office for something. And the special list was sitting right there on his desk, in plain sight.
And naturally, you read it, my father added.
Im a reaper, not a saint. Anyway, I think he wanted me to see it. Why else would he have left it out, then sent me in alone with it lying right there?
Why would he want you to see it? I asked, curious in spite of the huge dark cloud hanging over my truncated future.
Tod shrugged. I dont know. Maybe he likes me. Maybe he likes you. Id only met Levi, Tods boss, once, but he had seemed impressed with my ingenuity. Impressed enough to give me a heads-up about my own death? Maybe, but
Why? I asked, focused on Tods eyes in search of an answer. If Id been looking at Nash, Id have known what he was feeling just by watching the colors twist in his irises. But, like my dad, Tod was too good at hiding what he was feeling. He rarely ever let his emotions show through the windows to his soul.
Why would he like you? Tods eyes held steady. Well, you do have this sort of magnetic effect on the darker elements of life. And the afterlife. As evidenced by Avari the hellions obsession with claiming my soul. And Levis definitely on the murky side of things.
I had no idea how old Levi wasthough my best guess was in the mid-triple digitsbut he looked like an eight-year-old, freckled, redheaded little boy. That, combined with the fact that all reapers were technically dead, made him hands down the creepiest reaper Id ever met. And, unfortunately, in the last six months, Id had occasion to meet several.
But that wasnt what Id meant.
No, why would he want me to know? Why would you want me to know? Nash said were not supposed to tell people when theyre going to die, because that just makes their last moments miserable. And I gotta say, he was right. I didnt know my exact time of death yet, but just knowing it was coming was enough to make my stomach revolt against the entire concept of food.
At first, Id been amused by the fact that you could get both death and a large pepperoni delivered by the same person. But after Danica Sussmans first period miscarriage and the news of my own impending demise, nothing seemed very funny at the moment.
Styx is probably starving, I mumbled, pulling open the fridge. My fathers warm hand landed firmly over mine on the handle and he pushed the door closed.
Kaylee, please sit down. We need to talk about this.
I know. But I was terrified that if I stopped moving for more than a second, that cloud of denial would clear and leave me staring at the ugly truth. And Id already faced more than my share of ugly truths in the almost-seventeen years of my life.
Finally I nodded reluctantly. For all I knew, I didnt have the luxury of avoiding the truth for very long.
I opened the fridge again and pulled out a can of Coke, then followed my dad into the living room, where Tod was already seated in my fathers recliner. For once, Dad didnt yell at him to move. Instead, he sat on the couch with me, and I could see that he wanted to hug me, but I couldnt let him, because that gesture of grief would make it real, and no matter how little time I had left, I wasnt ready for that. Not yet.
So I would focus on the facts, rather than the truth. Because no matter what it sounds like, theres actually a very big difference between the two.
Are you sure? I asked, holding the cold can with both hands, relishing the discomfort because it meant that I was still alive.
Tod nodded miserably. Normally I dont see the names more than a day or two in advance, but because youre already on borrowed time, your name came on the special list.
Special
I was on borrowed time because Id already died once. I was only three at the time, and thirteen years later, I only knew what Id been told long after the fact: I was scheduled to die that night, on the side of an icy road in an accident. However, my parents couldnt stand the thought of losing their only child, so my father tried to exchange his death date for mine. But the reaper was a vicious bastard, and he took my mothers life instead.
Id been living my mothers lifeliterallysince I was three years old. And now her lifeline was coming to its end. Which meant that I would die. Again.
Arent you just a rookie? My father frowned skeptically. How do you even have access to this special list? Normally, my dad wouldnt hesitate to question the reaper, based solely on the fact that they didnt get along. But his disbelief this time had a deeperroot. One I understood.
If Tod was wrong, or even lying for some reason, then maybe I wasnt going to die. Maybe my borrowed lifeline wasnt really sliding through my fingers faster than I could cling to it.
Thats the weird thing, Tod said, unbothered by my dads skepticism. Normally, I wouldnt have access to it. If Id known it was coming up, I could have looked up the specifics on the sly. Tod had his bosss passwords because hed set them up in the first placehe was one of only two reapers in the district young enough to have grown up with computers. But this time I didnt have to. When I went in this afternoon to pick up my own list, Levi sent me into his office for something. And the special list was sitting right there on his desk, in plain sight.
And naturally, you read it, my father added.
Im a reaper, not a saint. Anyway, I think he wanted me to see it. Why else would he have left it out, then sent me in alone with it lying right there?
Why would he want you to see it? I asked, curious in spite of the huge dark cloud hanging over my truncated future.
Tod shrugged. I dont know. Maybe he likes me. Maybe he likes you. Id only met Levi, Tods boss, once, but he had seemed impressed with my ingenuity. Impressed enough to give me a heads-up about my own death? Maybe, but
Why? I asked, focused on Tods eyes in search of an answer. If Id been looking at Nash, Id have known what he was feeling just by watching the colors twist in his irises. But, like my dad, Tod was too good at hiding what he was feeling. He rarely ever let his emotions show through the windows to his soul.
Why would he like you? Tods eyes held steady. Well, you do have this sort of magnetic effect on the darker elements of life. And the afterlife. As evidenced by Avari the hellions obsession with claiming my soul. And Levis definitely on the murky side of things.
I had no idea how old Levi wasthough my best guess was in the mid-triple digitsbut he looked like an eight-year-old, freckled, redheaded little boy. That, combined with the fact that all reapers were technically dead, made him hands down the creepiest reaper Id ever met. And, unfortunately, in the last six months, Id had occasion to meet several.
But that wasnt what Id meant.
No, why would he want me to know? Why would you want me to know? Nash said were not supposed to tell people when theyre going to die, because that just makes their last moments miserable. And I gotta say, he was right. I didnt know my exact time of death yet, but just knowing it was coming was enough to make my stomach revolt against the entire concept of food.
