If I Die
Page 50
So cant we just go on ignoring it for a little longer?
Itll matter to me. He looked like Id just punched him. How could things suddenly be so complicated?
Im sorry. I didnt mean it like that. My head felt like it was going to explode. I just meant
I dont like you hanging out with him alone.
My temper spiked, and my apology died a swift death on the end of my tongue. You mean like you hang out with Sabine alone, even though shes in love with you?
Nash rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. Thats different.
Youre right. I pulled Styx into my arms and stood with her, stomping toward the kitchen. Sabine hijacked my dreams and tried to feed me to the Netherworld to get to you. Everything she says is intended to either drive a wedge between us or put herself in your bed. But Tods never tried to hurt you and hes never even come close to pulling his clothes off and jumping me. So yeah, I guess that is different.
The recliner creaked, then Nashs footsteps followed me into the kitchen. The difference between Tod and Sabine is that shes honest about it. You know what shes up to, and you know why, but youll never see the strings Tods pulling behind the scenes until suddenly youre just magically where he wants you to be.
He isnt pulling any strings, Nash. Hes just helping me with something very important. And if I wind up somewhere other than where I am now, it wont be because he wanted me there. Itll be because I want me there. I set Styx on the floor and stood to find Nash watching me, arms crossed over his chest.
What the hell does that mean?
What did that mean? I hadnt thought it through, Id justlet it out.
I exhaled slowly, trying to push everything irrelevanteverything I knew I wouldnt have time to really addressto the back of my mind. It doesnt mean anything except that I needed help, and he came through. Thats what a friend does.
If you needed help, why didnt you ask me? Why dont you ever want my help anymore, Kaylee?
I The words died on my tongue, my answer as incomplete as the thought behind it. Id asked Tod and Alec for help with Beck. Hell, Id even asked Sabine for help. But Id told Nash to go to baseball practice while the rest of us researched and plotted. Was he right? Had I been excluding him?
Not on purpose. In fact, I hadnt even thought about him not being there, because I was focused on Mr. Beck and Nash couldnt help with that. He couldnt read Becks fear to ID him. He couldnt give us background info on incubi, and he couldnt get me into the mentalhealth ward unseen.
You couldnt help me with this, I said, finally. I needed Tod. My logic was sound, so why did I feel so guilty about the truth?
Nashs irises churned in anger. You needed Tod. Do you hear yourself? Youre supposed to need me.
The ache in my chest grew into a throbbing so fierce I could hardly breathe. Thats not what I meant. Things were falling apart. In spite of my best effort to hold everything together until the enduntil my endmy life was unraveling faster than I could grasp at the threads, and I could see chaos bulging through the seams.
Nash watched me, waiting for more, but Styx started whining then and glanced from me to the fridge, where I gripped the door handle much harder than necessary. She was hungry. As usual. And taking care of her was easier than taking care of Nash.
I pulled open the fridge and took a package of raw sirloin from the bottom shelf. Styx preferred venison, but we were out, and beef would do in a pinch. Nothing ground, though. Styx didnt just want to eatshe wanted to tear flesh with her tiny little teeth.
Maybe that was why Cujo was constantly pissed off.
Do you like him? Nash demanded, leaning against the peninsula, and I closed my eyes, wishing I could erase this moment forever, like it had never happened. But when I opened my eyes, that moment was still there, taunting me with its stamina.
Styx went crazy at my feet as I peeled clear plastic back from the beef. I dropped a small hunk of meat into her bowl, and she dug in, growling like her meal was still alive and kicking as she ripped small chunks from it and swallowed them whole, more like a cat than a dog.
Uh-oh, trouble in paradise? a new voice said, and my head popped up in surprise. Thane sat on the small table in our dining nook, and Styx hadnt so much as acknowledged his presence. Yeah, evidently fresh meat outranks even the dreaded reaper, he said, when he noticed me frowning at the dog.
Kaylee. Nash stepped into my line of sight to reclaim my attention, though he had no idea what had stolen it. Do you like him?
Like who? Thane slid off the table and walked right through Nash, and I shuddered, revolted and horrified by the sight of themblended together.
Does it matter? I wrapped the remaining meat up, trying desperately to pretend that the man assigned to kill me wasnt getting yet another unauthorized peek into my private life.
Of course it matters, Nash snapped. Why wouldnt it?
I shoved the meat into the fridge and spun to face him, struggling not to vent my fury at Thane on him. Because in three days, Im going to be dead, and thisll be the mootest point of all time.
Itll matter to me. He looked like Id just punched him. How could things suddenly be so complicated?
Im sorry. I didnt mean it like that. My head felt like it was going to explode. I just meant
I dont like you hanging out with him alone.
My temper spiked, and my apology died a swift death on the end of my tongue. You mean like you hang out with Sabine alone, even though shes in love with you?
Nash rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. Thats different.
Youre right. I pulled Styx into my arms and stood with her, stomping toward the kitchen. Sabine hijacked my dreams and tried to feed me to the Netherworld to get to you. Everything she says is intended to either drive a wedge between us or put herself in your bed. But Tods never tried to hurt you and hes never even come close to pulling his clothes off and jumping me. So yeah, I guess that is different.
The recliner creaked, then Nashs footsteps followed me into the kitchen. The difference between Tod and Sabine is that shes honest about it. You know what shes up to, and you know why, but youll never see the strings Tods pulling behind the scenes until suddenly youre just magically where he wants you to be.
He isnt pulling any strings, Nash. Hes just helping me with something very important. And if I wind up somewhere other than where I am now, it wont be because he wanted me there. Itll be because I want me there. I set Styx on the floor and stood to find Nash watching me, arms crossed over his chest.
What the hell does that mean?
What did that mean? I hadnt thought it through, Id justlet it out.
I exhaled slowly, trying to push everything irrelevanteverything I knew I wouldnt have time to really addressto the back of my mind. It doesnt mean anything except that I needed help, and he came through. Thats what a friend does.
If you needed help, why didnt you ask me? Why dont you ever want my help anymore, Kaylee?
I The words died on my tongue, my answer as incomplete as the thought behind it. Id asked Tod and Alec for help with Beck. Hell, Id even asked Sabine for help. But Id told Nash to go to baseball practice while the rest of us researched and plotted. Was he right? Had I been excluding him?
Not on purpose. In fact, I hadnt even thought about him not being there, because I was focused on Mr. Beck and Nash couldnt help with that. He couldnt read Becks fear to ID him. He couldnt give us background info on incubi, and he couldnt get me into the mentalhealth ward unseen.
You couldnt help me with this, I said, finally. I needed Tod. My logic was sound, so why did I feel so guilty about the truth?
Nashs irises churned in anger. You needed Tod. Do you hear yourself? Youre supposed to need me.
The ache in my chest grew into a throbbing so fierce I could hardly breathe. Thats not what I meant. Things were falling apart. In spite of my best effort to hold everything together until the enduntil my endmy life was unraveling faster than I could grasp at the threads, and I could see chaos bulging through the seams.
Nash watched me, waiting for more, but Styx started whining then and glanced from me to the fridge, where I gripped the door handle much harder than necessary. She was hungry. As usual. And taking care of her was easier than taking care of Nash.
I pulled open the fridge and took a package of raw sirloin from the bottom shelf. Styx preferred venison, but we were out, and beef would do in a pinch. Nothing ground, though. Styx didnt just want to eatshe wanted to tear flesh with her tiny little teeth.
Maybe that was why Cujo was constantly pissed off.
Do you like him? Nash demanded, leaning against the peninsula, and I closed my eyes, wishing I could erase this moment forever, like it had never happened. But when I opened my eyes, that moment was still there, taunting me with its stamina.
Styx went crazy at my feet as I peeled clear plastic back from the beef. I dropped a small hunk of meat into her bowl, and she dug in, growling like her meal was still alive and kicking as she ripped small chunks from it and swallowed them whole, more like a cat than a dog.
Uh-oh, trouble in paradise? a new voice said, and my head popped up in surprise. Thane sat on the small table in our dining nook, and Styx hadnt so much as acknowledged his presence. Yeah, evidently fresh meat outranks even the dreaded reaper, he said, when he noticed me frowning at the dog.
Kaylee. Nash stepped into my line of sight to reclaim my attention, though he had no idea what had stolen it. Do you like him?
Like who? Thane slid off the table and walked right through Nash, and I shuddered, revolted and horrified by the sight of themblended together.
Does it matter? I wrapped the remaining meat up, trying desperately to pretend that the man assigned to kill me wasnt getting yet another unauthorized peek into my private life.
Of course it matters, Nash snapped. Why wouldnt it?
I shoved the meat into the fridge and spun to face him, struggling not to vent my fury at Thane on him. Because in three days, Im going to be dead, and thisll be the mootest point of all time.
