If I Die
Page 64
Emma shrugged. If youre not going, Im not going.
I started to argue, then changed my mind. Who was I to lecture her about responsibility? So I opened her passenger door and sat down, wedging my backpack between my feet on the floorboard.
Nash and I just broke up, I said, as she slid into the drivers seat and closed the door.
Again? Why? Em looked surprised, but not as surprised as Id expected her to be. But then, she didnt know everything yet.
I kind ofkissed Tod.
You kind of kissed Tod?!
Aaaandtheres the surprise.
Okay, I really kissed him. Then he kissed me back, and Nash and Sabine saw it. As did most of the Mathletes, several softball players and anyone else who happened to be in the hall. It was kind of a public spectacle. And now I dont know where I stand with Tod, but Im sure Nash hates us both, and Sabines probably doing mental cartwheels to celebrate. And thats not even the worst part.
It gets worse?
Yeah. I took another deep breath. Im gonna die, Emma.
You mean eventually, right? She blinked, and I could tell it hadnt sunk in. Please tell me youre making some kind of big-picture philosophical statement about the inevitability of death and the transient nature of human existence.
Not eventually, Em. Sometime on Thursday. I dont know exactly when, and I dont know how, and I dont know where. I dont even know whos coming to reap my soul, because Tod just took the reaper who had that job and fed him to Avari. All I know is that its hard to motivate myself to go work for a paycheck Im never gonna cash or do homework thats never gonna get graded. But I am hell-bent on taking Mr. Beck down before I die.
Emma leaned back in the drivers seat, hands limp in her lap, keys dangling from one bent finger. Okay, Im going to need a minute. Thats a lot to process.
I know.
She took a couple of deep breaths, then rolled her head on the headrest to face me. I was only in Becks classroom for, like, an hour, right? she asked, and I nodded, though it had felt like much less to me, in the Netherworld. And in that time, you dumped your boyfriend, kissed his dead brother and found out youre going to die?
I stared at my hands, nervously fiddling with my keys in my lap. Actually, I already knew that last part.
You already knew? Ems voice sounded strained, like when her feelings were hurt and she didnt want me to know. I looked up to find her frowning at me. How long?
Since Friday night, I admitted, a thick undercurrent of guilt flowing in to supplant my good intentions in not telling her earlier.
Five days? You knew five days ago, and you didnt tell me?
Imsorry, Emma. I didnt want you to have to dwell on it, like I have.
Did it ever occur to you that I might want to dwell on it? Or at least know that it was coming? Her eyes filled with tears, and her lower lip began to quiver. How serious is this, Kay? She blinked and wiped tears from her face with one hand, making an obvious effort to compose herself and her thoughts. I mean, I know its death, but youve already died once, and Ive died, and, hell, even Sophies died, so thats less of a permanent state than I used to think it was.
This time its permanent. And just saying the words triggered a new wave of fear inside me, beating at my spirit like waves against the cliffs, constantly eroding until there would soon be nothing left of me.
Emma shook her head, denying the inevitable. But Tod? He can use his reaper connections to get you another extensionor whatever. Right?
No, Em. I gripped the door handle so hard my fingers ached. He cant get me another exchange. No one gets more than one exchange. No exceptions. And even if there were exceptions, Tod wasnt in any position to secure one. He was still a rookie reaper, only two years dead, and still on the bottom rung of his afterlife.
Wait, Tod cant fix this? Her bottom lip shook, and I knew that the reality was starting to sink in. Youre seriously telling me youre going to die in two days? For real? Like, gone forever?
It wasnt any easier to hear coming from her mouth, but I nodded, fighting to keep the facts closed off in some dark corner of my head with the other mental cobwebs I didnt want to deal with. And suddenly I realized that my mind was becoming a very messy place.
Does everyone else know? Nash and Tod? she asked, and I nodded miserably. Sabine? Em demanded, and when I nodded again, a new layer of hurt swept over her features, like the curtain on a stage.
I had to tell her to get her to help me with Mr. Beck, I tried to explain, but I knew nothing I could say would help.
So, Im the only one you left out?
I wasnt leaving you out. I was trying to spare you from anticipating it. And I didnt tell Nashmy dad did. And Tods the one who told him. So, really, the only person Ive told is Sabine.
What part of that is supposed to make me feel better?
None of it. None of it can make either of us feel better, which is why I didnt want you to know. Hell, I wish I didnt know. Em, Im getting scared. And suddenly there were tears. From nowhere. Id known Emma longer than anyone else in my life, other than my uncle. Id known her longer than Id known my own father, and somewhere in the process of telling my best and oldest friend that I was going to die, I came to understand the truth of it for myself.
I started to argue, then changed my mind. Who was I to lecture her about responsibility? So I opened her passenger door and sat down, wedging my backpack between my feet on the floorboard.
Nash and I just broke up, I said, as she slid into the drivers seat and closed the door.
Again? Why? Em looked surprised, but not as surprised as Id expected her to be. But then, she didnt know everything yet.
I kind ofkissed Tod.
You kind of kissed Tod?!
Aaaandtheres the surprise.
Okay, I really kissed him. Then he kissed me back, and Nash and Sabine saw it. As did most of the Mathletes, several softball players and anyone else who happened to be in the hall. It was kind of a public spectacle. And now I dont know where I stand with Tod, but Im sure Nash hates us both, and Sabines probably doing mental cartwheels to celebrate. And thats not even the worst part.
It gets worse?
Yeah. I took another deep breath. Im gonna die, Emma.
You mean eventually, right? She blinked, and I could tell it hadnt sunk in. Please tell me youre making some kind of big-picture philosophical statement about the inevitability of death and the transient nature of human existence.
Not eventually, Em. Sometime on Thursday. I dont know exactly when, and I dont know how, and I dont know where. I dont even know whos coming to reap my soul, because Tod just took the reaper who had that job and fed him to Avari. All I know is that its hard to motivate myself to go work for a paycheck Im never gonna cash or do homework thats never gonna get graded. But I am hell-bent on taking Mr. Beck down before I die.
Emma leaned back in the drivers seat, hands limp in her lap, keys dangling from one bent finger. Okay, Im going to need a minute. Thats a lot to process.
I know.
She took a couple of deep breaths, then rolled her head on the headrest to face me. I was only in Becks classroom for, like, an hour, right? she asked, and I nodded, though it had felt like much less to me, in the Netherworld. And in that time, you dumped your boyfriend, kissed his dead brother and found out youre going to die?
I stared at my hands, nervously fiddling with my keys in my lap. Actually, I already knew that last part.
You already knew? Ems voice sounded strained, like when her feelings were hurt and she didnt want me to know. I looked up to find her frowning at me. How long?
Since Friday night, I admitted, a thick undercurrent of guilt flowing in to supplant my good intentions in not telling her earlier.
Five days? You knew five days ago, and you didnt tell me?
Imsorry, Emma. I didnt want you to have to dwell on it, like I have.
Did it ever occur to you that I might want to dwell on it? Or at least know that it was coming? Her eyes filled with tears, and her lower lip began to quiver. How serious is this, Kay? She blinked and wiped tears from her face with one hand, making an obvious effort to compose herself and her thoughts. I mean, I know its death, but youve already died once, and Ive died, and, hell, even Sophies died, so thats less of a permanent state than I used to think it was.
This time its permanent. And just saying the words triggered a new wave of fear inside me, beating at my spirit like waves against the cliffs, constantly eroding until there would soon be nothing left of me.
Emma shook her head, denying the inevitable. But Tod? He can use his reaper connections to get you another extensionor whatever. Right?
No, Em. I gripped the door handle so hard my fingers ached. He cant get me another exchange. No one gets more than one exchange. No exceptions. And even if there were exceptions, Tod wasnt in any position to secure one. He was still a rookie reaper, only two years dead, and still on the bottom rung of his afterlife.
Wait, Tod cant fix this? Her bottom lip shook, and I knew that the reality was starting to sink in. Youre seriously telling me youre going to die in two days? For real? Like, gone forever?
It wasnt any easier to hear coming from her mouth, but I nodded, fighting to keep the facts closed off in some dark corner of my head with the other mental cobwebs I didnt want to deal with. And suddenly I realized that my mind was becoming a very messy place.
Does everyone else know? Nash and Tod? she asked, and I nodded miserably. Sabine? Em demanded, and when I nodded again, a new layer of hurt swept over her features, like the curtain on a stage.
I had to tell her to get her to help me with Mr. Beck, I tried to explain, but I knew nothing I could say would help.
So, Im the only one you left out?
I wasnt leaving you out. I was trying to spare you from anticipating it. And I didnt tell Nashmy dad did. And Tods the one who told him. So, really, the only person Ive told is Sabine.
What part of that is supposed to make me feel better?
None of it. None of it can make either of us feel better, which is why I didnt want you to know. Hell, I wish I didnt know. Em, Im getting scared. And suddenly there were tears. From nowhere. Id known Emma longer than anyone else in my life, other than my uncle. Id known her longer than Id known my own father, and somewhere in the process of telling my best and oldest friend that I was going to die, I came to understand the truth of it for myself.
