If I Die
Page 65
Oh, Kaylee She dropped her keys in the center console and pulled me into a hug that shoved her water bottle into my ribs and my knee into the gear shift, but I wouldnt have let go for anything in the world.
Ive been trying not to think about it, and thats mostly been working, because nothing ever seems normal around here anymore, I sobbed, half-choking on my words as they ran together and my tears soaked into the shoulder of her shirt. But every time I close my eyes, or take a deep breathevery time things get quiet for just a secondthere it is again. Waiting for me. Its like my heart is a watch, and I know its going to stop ticking on Thursday, and every single beat shoves me a second closer to death, and I try to dig in, or grab on to something, but it keeps pushing me, and I keep sliding, and there isnt much more space before Ill justfall off the edge. By the end, I was sobbing, and squeezing her so tight she probably couldnt breathe, but she kept holding on.
Okay, take a breath, Kaylee, she said at last, when my sobs finally began to fade. I let go of her to wipe my face with a dried-stiff paper napkin from her dashboard. First of all, you should have told me. But in light of the circumstances, Im gonna let that one slide. And secondwhat the hell are you even doing here? Why arent you skydiving, or mountain climbing, or on a plane to some fabulous city youve never seen before. Your dad would totally make that happen, if you asked him. Why would you want to spend your last two days on earth at school?
I blinked and wiped my face on my sleeve. Em, I have to get rid of Beck.
No you dont! Let Nash and Sabine handle it. Tod and Alec can help. Or hell, tell your dad and let him do it!
Im telling my dad tonightI would have already, but hes been so stressed out trying to find a way to exchange my date, which isnt going to happen. But I seriously doubt Tod and Nash are going to be working together on anything in the near future. And even if they were, none of them know what to do any better than I do. I need to know this is handled before I die, Emma. Especially after what I just saw in there. I nodded toward the school building. Do you honestly think you could have told him no?
Yeah. She shrugged. The problem is that I didnt want to. I still dont want to.
And thats why I have to do this. I want to know that youre going to be safe beforeyou know.
Emma looked at me for a second, then sighed. You have to let it go. Let someone else handle it this time. You cant save everyone, Kay. You cant control everything.
You sound like Nash, I said, and as his name faded from my tongue, another wave of guilt crashed over me. Em must have seen it on my face.
How did he take it? About Tod, I mean.
Not well, but thats my fault. He hates me, and I cant blame him, and now Im the reason he hates his own brother. And Nash thinks Tods using me to hurt him because hes jealous that Nash is still alive.
Emma shook her head. I dont blame him for being upset, but thats not it. Tods been pining over you for months. Frankly, Im impressed that you held out for so long.
You knew there waspining?
Emma actually smiled, and that felt good, after all the tears. We all knew, Kaylee. Hell, I bet even your dad knew. I didnt think Tod would ever say anything, though, because of Nash.
He didnt. I mean, he told me Nash and I were wrong for each other, and hes been hanging around a lot since Nash went into recovery, but hes always been a flirt, so I didnt really think anything about it until a couple of days ago. Then I saw him feed my reaper to Avari, and it just kind ofclicked. He did that for me.
He did what? What exactly does that mean, feeding someone to Avari?
The reaper who was supposed to end my life on Thursdayhis name was Thane, and he was kind of stalking me. So Tod found him, beat him up, hauled him into the Netherworld, and gave him to Avari. He justfed my reaper to a hellion. He could have gotten in serious trouble, Em. He still could. But he did it anyway.
I glanced at Emma to find her watching me, her gaze half out of focus, but intense, like she was hanging on every word. I cant get a guy to sit through an entire movie before he starts groping me, and Tod killed someone for you. And youre not even a couple. Are you?
I exhaled deeply in frustration, trying to make sense out of the tangled knot my thoughts had become. I dont know, Em. What would be the point? Im not even going to be here in two days, but Nash will, and theyll still be brothers, and he hates Tod now as it is. How much worse is that going to be if this turns out to be more than just a couple of kisses? The echoes of which I could still feel. Was it possible to be haunted by a kiss?
I dont know, Em said. Im sure Nash is upset, and pissed off, and I dont blame him. But these arent exactly normal circumstances. Maybe if you told him what you just told me, hed understand. Eventually.
But I had my doubts.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. Wed hurt Nash from both sidesas his brother and his girlfriend. It wouldnt be fair of us to make that worse, just for two days of something that could never go any further. Would Tod even want to? Did he want to be with me badly enough to hurt his brother? Did I want him to? Should I want him, too?
Ive been trying not to think about it, and thats mostly been working, because nothing ever seems normal around here anymore, I sobbed, half-choking on my words as they ran together and my tears soaked into the shoulder of her shirt. But every time I close my eyes, or take a deep breathevery time things get quiet for just a secondthere it is again. Waiting for me. Its like my heart is a watch, and I know its going to stop ticking on Thursday, and every single beat shoves me a second closer to death, and I try to dig in, or grab on to something, but it keeps pushing me, and I keep sliding, and there isnt much more space before Ill justfall off the edge. By the end, I was sobbing, and squeezing her so tight she probably couldnt breathe, but she kept holding on.
Okay, take a breath, Kaylee, she said at last, when my sobs finally began to fade. I let go of her to wipe my face with a dried-stiff paper napkin from her dashboard. First of all, you should have told me. But in light of the circumstances, Im gonna let that one slide. And secondwhat the hell are you even doing here? Why arent you skydiving, or mountain climbing, or on a plane to some fabulous city youve never seen before. Your dad would totally make that happen, if you asked him. Why would you want to spend your last two days on earth at school?
I blinked and wiped my face on my sleeve. Em, I have to get rid of Beck.
No you dont! Let Nash and Sabine handle it. Tod and Alec can help. Or hell, tell your dad and let him do it!
Im telling my dad tonightI would have already, but hes been so stressed out trying to find a way to exchange my date, which isnt going to happen. But I seriously doubt Tod and Nash are going to be working together on anything in the near future. And even if they were, none of them know what to do any better than I do. I need to know this is handled before I die, Emma. Especially after what I just saw in there. I nodded toward the school building. Do you honestly think you could have told him no?
Yeah. She shrugged. The problem is that I didnt want to. I still dont want to.
And thats why I have to do this. I want to know that youre going to be safe beforeyou know.
Emma looked at me for a second, then sighed. You have to let it go. Let someone else handle it this time. You cant save everyone, Kay. You cant control everything.
You sound like Nash, I said, and as his name faded from my tongue, another wave of guilt crashed over me. Em must have seen it on my face.
How did he take it? About Tod, I mean.
Not well, but thats my fault. He hates me, and I cant blame him, and now Im the reason he hates his own brother. And Nash thinks Tods using me to hurt him because hes jealous that Nash is still alive.
Emma shook her head. I dont blame him for being upset, but thats not it. Tods been pining over you for months. Frankly, Im impressed that you held out for so long.
You knew there waspining?
Emma actually smiled, and that felt good, after all the tears. We all knew, Kaylee. Hell, I bet even your dad knew. I didnt think Tod would ever say anything, though, because of Nash.
He didnt. I mean, he told me Nash and I were wrong for each other, and hes been hanging around a lot since Nash went into recovery, but hes always been a flirt, so I didnt really think anything about it until a couple of days ago. Then I saw him feed my reaper to Avari, and it just kind ofclicked. He did that for me.
He did what? What exactly does that mean, feeding someone to Avari?
The reaper who was supposed to end my life on Thursdayhis name was Thane, and he was kind of stalking me. So Tod found him, beat him up, hauled him into the Netherworld, and gave him to Avari. He justfed my reaper to a hellion. He could have gotten in serious trouble, Em. He still could. But he did it anyway.
I glanced at Emma to find her watching me, her gaze half out of focus, but intense, like she was hanging on every word. I cant get a guy to sit through an entire movie before he starts groping me, and Tod killed someone for you. And youre not even a couple. Are you?
I exhaled deeply in frustration, trying to make sense out of the tangled knot my thoughts had become. I dont know, Em. What would be the point? Im not even going to be here in two days, but Nash will, and theyll still be brothers, and he hates Tod now as it is. How much worse is that going to be if this turns out to be more than just a couple of kisses? The echoes of which I could still feel. Was it possible to be haunted by a kiss?
I dont know, Em said. Im sure Nash is upset, and pissed off, and I dont blame him. But these arent exactly normal circumstances. Maybe if you told him what you just told me, hed understand. Eventually.
But I had my doubts.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. Wed hurt Nash from both sidesas his brother and his girlfriend. It wouldnt be fair of us to make that worse, just for two days of something that could never go any further. Would Tod even want to? Did he want to be with me badly enough to hurt his brother? Did I want him to? Should I want him, too?
