If I Die
Page 7
But Tod shook his head. We never know that, because the method isnt predetermined. Sometimes theres an obvious choice. Like, if its an old man with a weak heart, the reaper will just let his heart stop beating. But with young people, its usually an accident, or an overdose, if theres no preexisting illness. We work with what we have. Its easier for the family and the coroner if they have something to blame it on.
Wow. You make death sound so courteous.
Tod exhaled slowly. We both know its not.
Yeah. I knew.
So I stared at the floor between my feet, and I couldnt stop my leg from jumping as I worked my way up to the question Id been avoiding. Do you know when? Does the list at least tell you how long I have?
I was avoiding my fathers gazemy own fear was hard enough to swallow at the momentbut I could see in my peripheral vision that he was watching Tod closely, waiting for the answer just as nervously as I was.
Tod cleared his throat, avoiding the question.
Tod? My fathers voice was barely a whisper.
Next Thursday, the reaper said finally, looking right into my eyes. His irises roiled with a sudden maelstrom of pain and distress, and I was pretty sure he was watching the same storm rage in mine. Youre going to die in six days.
3
I stood so fast the room spun around me, and it felt like my head was going to explode.
Is this how I go? A stroke in my own living room, when the stress of knowing Im going to die becomes too much? Could knowing I was going to die actually bring about my death? And if so, did that make it Levis fault? Or Tods? Or my dads, for letting him tell me?
But the truth was that it was no ones fault. Id overstayed my welcome, and death had finally caught up to me. There was no more natural, more necessary part of life than this end to the whole thing. Yet I was overwhelmed by the need to stomp my feet and pound my fists and shout its not fair! at the top of my fearsome bean sidhe lungs.
Kaylee? Tod repeated, when I didnt answer my dad.
Six days
I headed down the hall and into my room, where I pulled my shirt over my head without remembering to close the door. They both followed, and when my dad realized I was changing, he stepped out of the doorway and shoved a very corporeal Tod farther down the hall.
Kaylee, say something, he called, but I couldnt. I barely even registered his voice. All I could hear was the raucous clamor of panic in my own head, insisting I do somethinganythingto take my rapidly fracturing mind off the fact that I had less than a week to live.
No senior year.
I unbuttoned my uniform pants andlet them pool around my ankles, then stepped into the pair of jeans draped over my bed.
No graduation.
I pulled open the second drawer of my dresser and pawed through the contents for my favorite blue ribbed T-shirt.
No college.
I pulled the shirt on and tugged my hair from the collar, then stepped into a pair of sneakers.
No career. No family. No anything, beyond whatever catastrophe next Thursday had waiting for me.
Kaylee, where are you going? my father demanded as I stomped past him and Tod on my way to the front door.
Out. I turned to face them as I scooped my keys from the candy dish, and the panic clear in my fathers expression could have been a reflection of my own. Im sorry. I have to I cant think about this right now, or Im going to lose my mind. And I dont want to spend my last week on earth in a straitjacket. Ill be backlater. Could you feed Styx for me, please?
Without waiting for an answer, I opened the front door and jogged out to my car. A moment later, I glanced up as I backed down the driveway to find them both standing on the front porch, staring after me.
As it turns out, you cant outrun death. No matter how fast you drive, you cant even outrun thoughts of death, when you know its coming for you. Is this how Addy felt? Like she couldnt breathe without choking on the knowledge that shed soon be breathing her last?
I drove for nearly forty minutes, paying little attention to the direction, blasting music on the radio in an attempt to drown out my own thoughts. But none of it worked, and by the time Id made my way back to familiar surroundings, Id realized that the only way to get my mind off my own problems was to focus on someone elses.
When I glanced up, I realized the hospital was several blocks ahead, as if my subconscious had known where I was going the whole time.
I found front-row parking in the visitors lot, which was nearly empty because visiting hours were over. The lady at the front desk gave me Danica Sussmans room number, but warned me that I wouldnt be able to see her this late. I thanked her and headed back toward the parking lotthen looped around to another entrance, where I took an elevator up to the third floor.
There was only one person at the third floor nurses station, and it was easy to sneak past when she got up for coffee. Room 324 was around the corner and four doors down. I hesitated, loitering outside Danicas door for a couple of minutes, trying to dial up my courage and think of an opening line that wouldnt make me sound like a nosy gossip in search of tomorrows high school headline. But when shoes squeaked from around the corner, I hurriedly pulled the door open and stepped inside.
Wow. You make death sound so courteous.
Tod exhaled slowly. We both know its not.
Yeah. I knew.
So I stared at the floor between my feet, and I couldnt stop my leg from jumping as I worked my way up to the question Id been avoiding. Do you know when? Does the list at least tell you how long I have?
I was avoiding my fathers gazemy own fear was hard enough to swallow at the momentbut I could see in my peripheral vision that he was watching Tod closely, waiting for the answer just as nervously as I was.
Tod cleared his throat, avoiding the question.
Tod? My fathers voice was barely a whisper.
Next Thursday, the reaper said finally, looking right into my eyes. His irises roiled with a sudden maelstrom of pain and distress, and I was pretty sure he was watching the same storm rage in mine. Youre going to die in six days.
3
I stood so fast the room spun around me, and it felt like my head was going to explode.
Is this how I go? A stroke in my own living room, when the stress of knowing Im going to die becomes too much? Could knowing I was going to die actually bring about my death? And if so, did that make it Levis fault? Or Tods? Or my dads, for letting him tell me?
But the truth was that it was no ones fault. Id overstayed my welcome, and death had finally caught up to me. There was no more natural, more necessary part of life than this end to the whole thing. Yet I was overwhelmed by the need to stomp my feet and pound my fists and shout its not fair! at the top of my fearsome bean sidhe lungs.
Kaylee? Tod repeated, when I didnt answer my dad.
Six days
I headed down the hall and into my room, where I pulled my shirt over my head without remembering to close the door. They both followed, and when my dad realized I was changing, he stepped out of the doorway and shoved a very corporeal Tod farther down the hall.
Kaylee, say something, he called, but I couldnt. I barely even registered his voice. All I could hear was the raucous clamor of panic in my own head, insisting I do somethinganythingto take my rapidly fracturing mind off the fact that I had less than a week to live.
No senior year.
I unbuttoned my uniform pants andlet them pool around my ankles, then stepped into the pair of jeans draped over my bed.
No graduation.
I pulled open the second drawer of my dresser and pawed through the contents for my favorite blue ribbed T-shirt.
No college.
I pulled the shirt on and tugged my hair from the collar, then stepped into a pair of sneakers.
No career. No family. No anything, beyond whatever catastrophe next Thursday had waiting for me.
Kaylee, where are you going? my father demanded as I stomped past him and Tod on my way to the front door.
Out. I turned to face them as I scooped my keys from the candy dish, and the panic clear in my fathers expression could have been a reflection of my own. Im sorry. I have to I cant think about this right now, or Im going to lose my mind. And I dont want to spend my last week on earth in a straitjacket. Ill be backlater. Could you feed Styx for me, please?
Without waiting for an answer, I opened the front door and jogged out to my car. A moment later, I glanced up as I backed down the driveway to find them both standing on the front porch, staring after me.
As it turns out, you cant outrun death. No matter how fast you drive, you cant even outrun thoughts of death, when you know its coming for you. Is this how Addy felt? Like she couldnt breathe without choking on the knowledge that shed soon be breathing her last?
I drove for nearly forty minutes, paying little attention to the direction, blasting music on the radio in an attempt to drown out my own thoughts. But none of it worked, and by the time Id made my way back to familiar surroundings, Id realized that the only way to get my mind off my own problems was to focus on someone elses.
When I glanced up, I realized the hospital was several blocks ahead, as if my subconscious had known where I was going the whole time.
I found front-row parking in the visitors lot, which was nearly empty because visiting hours were over. The lady at the front desk gave me Danica Sussmans room number, but warned me that I wouldnt be able to see her this late. I thanked her and headed back toward the parking lotthen looped around to another entrance, where I took an elevator up to the third floor.
There was only one person at the third floor nurses station, and it was easy to sneak past when she got up for coffee. Room 324 was around the corner and four doors down. I hesitated, loitering outside Danicas door for a couple of minutes, trying to dial up my courage and think of an opening line that wouldnt make me sound like a nosy gossip in search of tomorrows high school headline. But when shoes squeaked from around the corner, I hurriedly pulled the door open and stepped inside.
