If I Die
Page 70
You kissed me because it wouldnt matter? A flicker of hurt swirled in his eyes. You really think it doesnt matter?
Thats not what I meant. That kiss had meant a lot to several different people. To Nash. To Tod. Hell, even to Sabine. And I wasnt going to deny what it changed for me. I meantIm going to die in less than two days, and you should know better than anyone what that means. Its scary, and surreal, but in a way, its also like the ultimate freedom. Does that make any sense?
Yeah. Tod brushed a pale curl from his forehead. You can do whatever you want, because youre not going to be here to suffer the consequences. Right?
Right.
His brows rose over a new shine in his eyes. So what youre really saying is that kissing me is one of those things a girl shouldnt die without experiencing, right?
Wow, you have a healthy ego.
He shrugged. Helps make up for the pallor of death. But youre avoiding the question.
I didnt think you were serious.
Dead serious. The reaper grinned over his own joke, and I groaned. Humor me, Kaylee. Dead guys dont get much actionIm gonna have to make this memory last a loooong time, he said, and it felt like someone had sucked all the air out of the room and left me gasping. He was going to make the memory last? The memory of me kissing him?
Make it last, like, forever? I whispered, and immediately wished Id kept that question to myself.
Yeah. Like mental movie footage. His mouth was grinning, but his eyes were serious. Now Im compiling the bonus features, including an interview with the kissee herself. So tell me, Ms. Cavanaugh, how long have you been dying to kiss me?
I groaned. More death humor?
Another shrug. Its kind of my shtick. Answer the question.
I dont know. I sat up and played along, surprised to realize that for the first time in days, I wasnt tense and on alert, waiting for the proverbial scythe to swingironic, considering I was sitting next to a Grim Reaper. Its not like I planned it, but I will admit that the prospect hasnt been especially distasteful lately.
Not especially distasteful? He pretended to think it over. That ought to keep my ego in check.
I laughed. Is that even possible?
Probably not. But I wouldnt put anything past you, Kaylee, Tod said, looking straight into my eyes. I looked back until the connection between us started to feel raw, and taut, and vital, in no way I could explain. Id never felt so exposed and vulnerable, yet confident of my own safety. I felt like he could see past my eyes into parts of me noone had ever seen before. And he deserved the truth.
Fine. I crossed my legs yoga style and picked at a bit of fuzz on my comforter. I admit it. I didnt want to die without knowing what it was like to kiss you. I might have been thinking about that on occasion recently, since wed been spending so much time together.
I dont know how I thought hed react to that tender bit of truth, but his wary frown definitely wasnt what Id expected.
Tod leaned back in my desk chair, putting a frustrating distance between us. Like you didnt want to die without knowing what it was like to sleep with my brother?
And thats when I understood my mistakeand damn, Id made a lot of them.
I didnt sleep with him, Tod. Thanks to you, ironically enough. Because hed interrupted us with the news that Thane had been assigned as my reaper.
Thats not irony, Kaylee, he said, and his gaze never wavered. It was careful timing.
I blinked, gaping at him in disbelief. You knew?
That you were about to have sex with Nash? Yeah. He shrugged, like that was no big deal, but my irritation had just flared into a brutal emotional heartburn.
You were here? Watching? I shouldnt have been surprised. There was nothing to stop a reaper from being wherever he wanted, unseen by all. But knowing my privacy had been violated during one of the most intimate moments of my life sickened me like little Id ever felt.
Hell no, I wasnt here. I cant even stand to see Nash kiss you, much lessanything more. But heres what you really want to knowI dont spy on you, Kaylee. Not anymore. Tod was careful to let me see the cobalt twist of sincerity in his eyes.
But you used to? I refused to be placated by the past tense nature of the offense.
Yeah, but it was nothing personal. He shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. I have a lot of hours to kill and nowhere to be when Im not working. So I watch people. Most reapers do it out of boredom, but Ive been hanging out at my moms house ever since I died, because I dont know where else to go. Its not my home, because I never lived there, but its always been like home, because my familys there.
I couldnt quite interpret the ache in my chest, but it tempered my anger, whether or not it should have. When did you start watching me?
After what happened with your aunt. The week Id found out I was a bean sidhe and started going out with Nash. You were the only one other than my family who knew I existed, so Id tag along when Nash came over and watch whatever you guys were watching on TV.
Thats not what I meant. That kiss had meant a lot to several different people. To Nash. To Tod. Hell, even to Sabine. And I wasnt going to deny what it changed for me. I meantIm going to die in less than two days, and you should know better than anyone what that means. Its scary, and surreal, but in a way, its also like the ultimate freedom. Does that make any sense?
Yeah. Tod brushed a pale curl from his forehead. You can do whatever you want, because youre not going to be here to suffer the consequences. Right?
Right.
His brows rose over a new shine in his eyes. So what youre really saying is that kissing me is one of those things a girl shouldnt die without experiencing, right?
Wow, you have a healthy ego.
He shrugged. Helps make up for the pallor of death. But youre avoiding the question.
I didnt think you were serious.
Dead serious. The reaper grinned over his own joke, and I groaned. Humor me, Kaylee. Dead guys dont get much actionIm gonna have to make this memory last a loooong time, he said, and it felt like someone had sucked all the air out of the room and left me gasping. He was going to make the memory last? The memory of me kissing him?
Make it last, like, forever? I whispered, and immediately wished Id kept that question to myself.
Yeah. Like mental movie footage. His mouth was grinning, but his eyes were serious. Now Im compiling the bonus features, including an interview with the kissee herself. So tell me, Ms. Cavanaugh, how long have you been dying to kiss me?
I groaned. More death humor?
Another shrug. Its kind of my shtick. Answer the question.
I dont know. I sat up and played along, surprised to realize that for the first time in days, I wasnt tense and on alert, waiting for the proverbial scythe to swingironic, considering I was sitting next to a Grim Reaper. Its not like I planned it, but I will admit that the prospect hasnt been especially distasteful lately.
Not especially distasteful? He pretended to think it over. That ought to keep my ego in check.
I laughed. Is that even possible?
Probably not. But I wouldnt put anything past you, Kaylee, Tod said, looking straight into my eyes. I looked back until the connection between us started to feel raw, and taut, and vital, in no way I could explain. Id never felt so exposed and vulnerable, yet confident of my own safety. I felt like he could see past my eyes into parts of me noone had ever seen before. And he deserved the truth.
Fine. I crossed my legs yoga style and picked at a bit of fuzz on my comforter. I admit it. I didnt want to die without knowing what it was like to kiss you. I might have been thinking about that on occasion recently, since wed been spending so much time together.
I dont know how I thought hed react to that tender bit of truth, but his wary frown definitely wasnt what Id expected.
Tod leaned back in my desk chair, putting a frustrating distance between us. Like you didnt want to die without knowing what it was like to sleep with my brother?
And thats when I understood my mistakeand damn, Id made a lot of them.
I didnt sleep with him, Tod. Thanks to you, ironically enough. Because hed interrupted us with the news that Thane had been assigned as my reaper.
Thats not irony, Kaylee, he said, and his gaze never wavered. It was careful timing.
I blinked, gaping at him in disbelief. You knew?
That you were about to have sex with Nash? Yeah. He shrugged, like that was no big deal, but my irritation had just flared into a brutal emotional heartburn.
You were here? Watching? I shouldnt have been surprised. There was nothing to stop a reaper from being wherever he wanted, unseen by all. But knowing my privacy had been violated during one of the most intimate moments of my life sickened me like little Id ever felt.
Hell no, I wasnt here. I cant even stand to see Nash kiss you, much lessanything more. But heres what you really want to knowI dont spy on you, Kaylee. Not anymore. Tod was careful to let me see the cobalt twist of sincerity in his eyes.
But you used to? I refused to be placated by the past tense nature of the offense.
Yeah, but it was nothing personal. He shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. I have a lot of hours to kill and nowhere to be when Im not working. So I watch people. Most reapers do it out of boredom, but Ive been hanging out at my moms house ever since I died, because I dont know where else to go. Its not my home, because I never lived there, but its always been like home, because my familys there.
I couldnt quite interpret the ache in my chest, but it tempered my anger, whether or not it should have. When did you start watching me?
After what happened with your aunt. The week Id found out I was a bean sidhe and started going out with Nash. You were the only one other than my family who knew I existed, so Id tag along when Nash came over and watch whatever you guys were watching on TV.
