If I Die
Page 71
Were we really that boring? It was weird to see me and Nash through someone elses eyes.
Tod laughed. Yeah. Thank goodness. But then you helped me with Addy, for no reason except that I asked you to, and I started to come over here on my own, just to see you.
I was half creeped out, half fascinated, and all ears. When did you stop?
When I realized I hated seeing you make out with my brother.
I dont understand. But maybe I was beginning to, and that ache in my chest deepened.
Tod glanced at my comforter, then met my gaze again. Okay, Im starting to realize how creepy this whole thing makes me sound, but try to remember that until you, my whole afterlife was like a one-way mirror. I saw people, but they never saw me. There was no interaction. No involvement. No malice or creepy intent. Im not like ThaneI never stalked people I was scheduled to reap. I was justwatching. Living vicariously, which is the only way I can live now.
Im with you so far And sympathy was starting to win out over the creepy factor. He must have been so lonely.
Good. The tension in his frame started to ease. Anyway, I stopped watching you when we started hanging out together for real.
After Nash started using? I asked, and Tod nodded. I couldnt be around Nash while he was going through with drawal. The wounds were still too raw, and the thought of seeing him hurt. But Tod had come over a couple of times during my otherwise lonely winter break, and wed donenothing. Wed just hung out, watching stupid YouTube videos and listening to music, openly avoiding the subject of Nash and his frost addiction.
Maybe that should have been my first clue.
Once I realized I wanted more than friendship from you, it didnt seem fair for me to see you when you didnt know I was there.
My relief was almost enough to mitigate my irritation at having been watched in the first place. Soif you werent spying, how did you knowwhat Nash and I were about to do the other day?
Sabine called me.
I closed my eyes, resisting the urge to slap my own forehead. How had I not figured that out? Id called Sabine for advice, then hung up when Nash arrived, and shed probably had Tod on the phone before my voice even faded from her ear. Damn Sabine! But she wasnt working alone.
What could possibly make you think what I do in private is any of your business? I demanded, my voice low with anger.
Sleeping with Nash would have been a mistake, and I dont want anyone to hurt youincluding you.
You dont get to decide whats a mistake for me, Tod.
He frowned, obviously confused. Was I wrong? Do you wish youd done it?
No. Especially now that Nash and I had broken up, and I could see the truth about my own motivationsI hadnt wanted to sleep with Nash so much as Id wanted to lose my virginity before I died. But thats not the point. I have a right to make my own mistakes, just like everyone else. Dont ever do that again.
Fine. He recrossed his arms over his chest. But Im not sorry I did it. And neither are you.
I nodded slowly. Fair enough. So I hesitated, not sure I really wanted the answer to what I was about to ask. Were you and Sabine working together to break up me and Nash?
No. She tried to talk me into that when she first got here, but I told you, I didnt want to be what broke you two up.
But you didnt mind her trying it, even though its morally repugnant to intentionally break up someone elses relationship?
Tods brows arched in amusement over my moral outrage. How is it wrong to put everything you have into getting what you want most in the world? Which was exactly what Sabine had done.
Or was he talking about wanting me like thatmore than anything else in the world? My pulse raced so fast my head started to swim. He wanted me more than anything? Waitfocus
Its wrong because you dont have the right to end someone elses relationship! Had two years of reaping souls skewed his moral compass, or was he always like this?
First of all, keep in mind that this is all hypothetical. I didnt try to break up you and Nashthat was Sabine. The reaper leaned forward, his eyes bright with interest, enjoying what he obviously saw as a recreational debate. And second, if the couple shouldnt have been together in the first place, breaking them up is actually doing a good deed. So youre welcome. Hypothetically.
I didnt know whether to laugh or yell at him. You dont get to decide who should be together and who shouldnt!
Are you saying I was wrong? Tods gaze narrowed on me in challenge. Did you really think you and Nash belonged together for the rest of your lives, even after what he did to you?
Damn it. I did at first. I thought I could forgive and forget. Id tried to. But the truth was that I couldnt make myself trust him again, though Id probably never admit to Sabine that she was right about that. But thats not the point.
That is the point! Right and wrong arent as simple as black and white. You and Nash would have done more damage to each other together than the breakup would have done to either of you, and just because you couldnt see that doesnt make it wrong for those who care about you both to point out the truth.
Tod laughed. Yeah. Thank goodness. But then you helped me with Addy, for no reason except that I asked you to, and I started to come over here on my own, just to see you.
I was half creeped out, half fascinated, and all ears. When did you stop?
When I realized I hated seeing you make out with my brother.
I dont understand. But maybe I was beginning to, and that ache in my chest deepened.
Tod glanced at my comforter, then met my gaze again. Okay, Im starting to realize how creepy this whole thing makes me sound, but try to remember that until you, my whole afterlife was like a one-way mirror. I saw people, but they never saw me. There was no interaction. No involvement. No malice or creepy intent. Im not like ThaneI never stalked people I was scheduled to reap. I was justwatching. Living vicariously, which is the only way I can live now.
Im with you so far And sympathy was starting to win out over the creepy factor. He must have been so lonely.
Good. The tension in his frame started to ease. Anyway, I stopped watching you when we started hanging out together for real.
After Nash started using? I asked, and Tod nodded. I couldnt be around Nash while he was going through with drawal. The wounds were still too raw, and the thought of seeing him hurt. But Tod had come over a couple of times during my otherwise lonely winter break, and wed donenothing. Wed just hung out, watching stupid YouTube videos and listening to music, openly avoiding the subject of Nash and his frost addiction.
Maybe that should have been my first clue.
Once I realized I wanted more than friendship from you, it didnt seem fair for me to see you when you didnt know I was there.
My relief was almost enough to mitigate my irritation at having been watched in the first place. Soif you werent spying, how did you knowwhat Nash and I were about to do the other day?
Sabine called me.
I closed my eyes, resisting the urge to slap my own forehead. How had I not figured that out? Id called Sabine for advice, then hung up when Nash arrived, and shed probably had Tod on the phone before my voice even faded from her ear. Damn Sabine! But she wasnt working alone.
What could possibly make you think what I do in private is any of your business? I demanded, my voice low with anger.
Sleeping with Nash would have been a mistake, and I dont want anyone to hurt youincluding you.
You dont get to decide whats a mistake for me, Tod.
He frowned, obviously confused. Was I wrong? Do you wish youd done it?
No. Especially now that Nash and I had broken up, and I could see the truth about my own motivationsI hadnt wanted to sleep with Nash so much as Id wanted to lose my virginity before I died. But thats not the point. I have a right to make my own mistakes, just like everyone else. Dont ever do that again.
Fine. He recrossed his arms over his chest. But Im not sorry I did it. And neither are you.
I nodded slowly. Fair enough. So I hesitated, not sure I really wanted the answer to what I was about to ask. Were you and Sabine working together to break up me and Nash?
No. She tried to talk me into that when she first got here, but I told you, I didnt want to be what broke you two up.
But you didnt mind her trying it, even though its morally repugnant to intentionally break up someone elses relationship?
Tods brows arched in amusement over my moral outrage. How is it wrong to put everything you have into getting what you want most in the world? Which was exactly what Sabine had done.
Or was he talking about wanting me like thatmore than anything else in the world? My pulse raced so fast my head started to swim. He wanted me more than anything? Waitfocus
Its wrong because you dont have the right to end someone elses relationship! Had two years of reaping souls skewed his moral compass, or was he always like this?
First of all, keep in mind that this is all hypothetical. I didnt try to break up you and Nashthat was Sabine. The reaper leaned forward, his eyes bright with interest, enjoying what he obviously saw as a recreational debate. And second, if the couple shouldnt have been together in the first place, breaking them up is actually doing a good deed. So youre welcome. Hypothetically.
I didnt know whether to laugh or yell at him. You dont get to decide who should be together and who shouldnt!
Are you saying I was wrong? Tods gaze narrowed on me in challenge. Did you really think you and Nash belonged together for the rest of your lives, even after what he did to you?
Damn it. I did at first. I thought I could forgive and forget. Id tried to. But the truth was that I couldnt make myself trust him again, though Id probably never admit to Sabine that she was right about that. But thats not the point.
That is the point! Right and wrong arent as simple as black and white. You and Nash would have done more damage to each other together than the breakup would have done to either of you, and just because you couldnt see that doesnt make it wrong for those who care about you both to point out the truth.
