If I Die
Page 72
For one long moment, I could only stare at him in disbelief. Its a good thing Im not going to live long enough to go out with you, because youd drive me crazy.
Theres a good kind of crazy, Kaylee, he insisted softly, reaching out to wrap his warm hand around mine. Its the kind that makes you think about things that make your head hurt, because not thinking about them is the cowards way out. The kind that makes you touch people who bruise your soul, just because they need to be touched. This is the kind of crazy that lets you stare out into the darkness and rage at eternity, while it stares back at you, ready to swallow you whole.
Tod leaned closer, staring into my eyes so intently I was sure he could see everything I was thinking, but too afraid to say. Ive seen you fight, Kaylee. Ive seen you step into that darkness for someone else, then claw your way out, bruised, but still standing. Youre that kind of crazy, and I live in that darkness. Together, wed take crazy to a whole new level.
My pulse whooshed in my ears so fast I could barely hear myself speak. I only have
Two days. He squeezed my hand. So what? You can spend them feeling sorry for yourself, or you can let me help make them the best two days of your life, and my afterlife. So whats it gonna be?
I stared into his eyes, like Id never seen him before. And I hadntnot like this. But hed obviously seen me, better than anyone else ever had.
Well? Tod watched me, his hand still warm in mine.
In answer, I leaned forward and kissed him again.
17
Hey, Kaylee, my dad called, as his door squealed open at the end of the hall.
I jerked away from Tod so fast the whole room seemed to spin around us, and when I looked up, I found my dad watching us from my doorway, surprised into a rare moment of total speechlessness.
Hey, Mr. Cavanaugh. Tod swiveled to face him in my desk chair, and I could see my father struggling for a response.
Tod, could you excuse us for a minute? he said at last.
Tod gave me an amused look no one else could have interpreted. Ill be in the living room. Then he disappeared, and the chair spun without him.
My father sighed and stepped into my room, closing the door behind him. Could you please ask him to walk like a normal person when hes here?
I shrugged. Hes not a normal person.
Is this going to be a regular thing now?
I dont know how regular it could be, considering how little time I have left.
My dad sank onto the end of my bed and picked at one thumbnail before meeting my gaze again. This is going to sound stupid, considering the circumstances, but dont you think this ishappening kind of fast, Kaylee?
Another shrug. I guess that depends on your perspective. From Tods, its been a long time coming.
He seemed to think about that for a minute, then stared at his hands again and nodded. Yeah, I guess it has.
I frowned at him in surprise. You knew?
How he felt about you? It was pretty obvious, Kaylee.
To everyone but me, evidently. Is that why you were always mean to him?
I wasnt mean to him. And I have to admit hes certainly grown on me this week, with everything hes tried to do for you. But yes. If things were different now meaning, if I were going to live I dont think hed be a very good choice for you.
I laughed. In all fairness, you should know that parental seal of approval is not a requirement for a boyfriend. In fact, its usually a deal-breaker.
Noted. He sighed. Seriously, though, what kind of future can you possibly have with a dead boy?
Im sixteen. Even if I were going to live, college is as far into the future as Ive really thought so far, and its not like the distance would be a problem for him. One of the advantages of the reaper mode of travel
Kay, you may not be thinking about the futureyou might not be even if yours were going to belongerbut he is. Tod is eternal, Kaylee. His future is probably all he ever thinks about.
I dont know, Dad. I think hed rather live in the moment, because he knows how much future hell have. It must be overwhelming, facing forever. Dont you think? Not that Id ever know
I guess. He lapsed into a heavy pause, just watching me. But my point is that none of that matters now. Tod isnt my top choice for you, and if this were going to be a long-term thing, Id insist that he follow all the normal social standardsno popping in anytime he wants, no popping into your room ever, and no visits after eleven. But this isnt a normal situation, and I want you to be happy.
What does all that mean?
My dad sighed and twisted to fully face me. It means that Tods welcome here. Well, not here specifically, he amended, glancing at the bed we both sat on for emphasis. But hes welcome in our home.
Thank you. And suddenly I wanted to cry again. You know, for a dad, youre kinda awesome.
The sudden mixture of pain and regret twisting through his irises was too much for both of us, so he squeezed my hand, then changed the subject. Sohows Nash taking all this, with you and Tod? Have you talked to him?
Theres a good kind of crazy, Kaylee, he insisted softly, reaching out to wrap his warm hand around mine. Its the kind that makes you think about things that make your head hurt, because not thinking about them is the cowards way out. The kind that makes you touch people who bruise your soul, just because they need to be touched. This is the kind of crazy that lets you stare out into the darkness and rage at eternity, while it stares back at you, ready to swallow you whole.
Tod leaned closer, staring into my eyes so intently I was sure he could see everything I was thinking, but too afraid to say. Ive seen you fight, Kaylee. Ive seen you step into that darkness for someone else, then claw your way out, bruised, but still standing. Youre that kind of crazy, and I live in that darkness. Together, wed take crazy to a whole new level.
My pulse whooshed in my ears so fast I could barely hear myself speak. I only have
Two days. He squeezed my hand. So what? You can spend them feeling sorry for yourself, or you can let me help make them the best two days of your life, and my afterlife. So whats it gonna be?
I stared into his eyes, like Id never seen him before. And I hadntnot like this. But hed obviously seen me, better than anyone else ever had.
Well? Tod watched me, his hand still warm in mine.
In answer, I leaned forward and kissed him again.
17
Hey, Kaylee, my dad called, as his door squealed open at the end of the hall.
I jerked away from Tod so fast the whole room seemed to spin around us, and when I looked up, I found my dad watching us from my doorway, surprised into a rare moment of total speechlessness.
Hey, Mr. Cavanaugh. Tod swiveled to face him in my desk chair, and I could see my father struggling for a response.
Tod, could you excuse us for a minute? he said at last.
Tod gave me an amused look no one else could have interpreted. Ill be in the living room. Then he disappeared, and the chair spun without him.
My father sighed and stepped into my room, closing the door behind him. Could you please ask him to walk like a normal person when hes here?
I shrugged. Hes not a normal person.
Is this going to be a regular thing now?
I dont know how regular it could be, considering how little time I have left.
My dad sank onto the end of my bed and picked at one thumbnail before meeting my gaze again. This is going to sound stupid, considering the circumstances, but dont you think this ishappening kind of fast, Kaylee?
Another shrug. I guess that depends on your perspective. From Tods, its been a long time coming.
He seemed to think about that for a minute, then stared at his hands again and nodded. Yeah, I guess it has.
I frowned at him in surprise. You knew?
How he felt about you? It was pretty obvious, Kaylee.
To everyone but me, evidently. Is that why you were always mean to him?
I wasnt mean to him. And I have to admit hes certainly grown on me this week, with everything hes tried to do for you. But yes. If things were different now meaning, if I were going to live I dont think hed be a very good choice for you.
I laughed. In all fairness, you should know that parental seal of approval is not a requirement for a boyfriend. In fact, its usually a deal-breaker.
Noted. He sighed. Seriously, though, what kind of future can you possibly have with a dead boy?
Im sixteen. Even if I were going to live, college is as far into the future as Ive really thought so far, and its not like the distance would be a problem for him. One of the advantages of the reaper mode of travel
Kay, you may not be thinking about the futureyou might not be even if yours were going to belongerbut he is. Tod is eternal, Kaylee. His future is probably all he ever thinks about.
I dont know, Dad. I think hed rather live in the moment, because he knows how much future hell have. It must be overwhelming, facing forever. Dont you think? Not that Id ever know
I guess. He lapsed into a heavy pause, just watching me. But my point is that none of that matters now. Tod isnt my top choice for you, and if this were going to be a long-term thing, Id insist that he follow all the normal social standardsno popping in anytime he wants, no popping into your room ever, and no visits after eleven. But this isnt a normal situation, and I want you to be happy.
What does all that mean?
My dad sighed and twisted to fully face me. It means that Tods welcome here. Well, not here specifically, he amended, glancing at the bed we both sat on for emphasis. But hes welcome in our home.
Thank you. And suddenly I wanted to cry again. You know, for a dad, youre kinda awesome.
The sudden mixture of pain and regret twisting through his irises was too much for both of us, so he squeezed my hand, then changed the subject. Sohows Nash taking all this, with you and Tod? Have you talked to him?
