If I Die
Page 75
I know, he said, before I could decide how to continue. Everything must feel so weird for you now, knowing its all going to end. I dont even want to think about you being gone. I just want to spend this last day with you, and we can forget about what happened yesterday. Thats not important now. Whats important is salvaging what time we have left together.
Crap. Id never felt more guilty in my life, and it was worse knowing that he wasnt mad at me when he had every right to be, and if I werent about to die, we both knew he would be.
Nash, I really appreciate that Lame. and I know youre just trying to make sure that my last day on earth doesnt suck. True. But we cant get back together just because Im going to die tomorrow. Thats not a real reason.
We shouldnt have broken up in the first place, he insisted, and I realized he was only hearing what he wanted to hear. Competing vines of unease and guilt wound slowly up my spine, tightening as he continued. When I messed up, you forgave me. Now Im forgiving you. You were scared and confusedwho wouldnt be in your positionand he was there, like hes always there. Nash shrugged. Im still gonna kick his ass the next time he has the balls to face me, but todays about us. You and me. So lets get out of here and have some fun. This may be our last chance.
He reached for my hand, but I pulled away before he could touch me, and an irritated twist of green shot through his irises, piercing stubborn composure to reveal something stronger and darker than mere determination.
Uh-oh.
Nash, I need you to understand something, I said. Tod was the catalyst for our breakup, but he wasnt the reason. Hes not the source of our problems. Nothings been the same between us since the winter carnival. Since the thing we didnt talk about. It was always there between us, making him too cautious and putting me on edge. You know that.
Thats not true. He shook his head firmly, stubbornly. We moved on. We were fine. It was working.
No it wasnt. Not like it used to. I was always afraid hed slip up, and it would happen againeven Sabine had told him that. Hell, he had trouble trusting himself half the time. Ive tried to put it behind me. I tried so hard, and I didnt realize it wasnt really working until I felt something that did work.
What are you saying? He looked like Id just smacked him in the head with a two-by-fourlike he didnt know whether to cry or strike back.
Why was there no greeting card for letting a guy down easy the day before youre scheduled to tumble into the dark hereafter? Im sorry for what I did. Im sorry for howthis happened. And Im so, so sorry that I didnt see the problem sooner. I didnt want to see it, because I wanted us to work. My vision blurred with tears and I had to swallow the lump forming in my throat. I didnt want to say what needed to be said, but it wasnt fair to either of us to leave this hanging. But we dont work. Not as a couple. Not anymore.
Nash shook his head, frowning, more frustrated than surprised now. Yes we do.
Nash, you need someone with more than I have to give you. More than Id have, even if I were going to live. Someone who didnt have to talk herself into trusting him. You need someone who understands the way you think and sees into your soul.
Thats you.
No, its not. I dont understand whats going on in there most of the time. I glanced at his chest, where his heart beat beneath his shirt, then back up to his face. I dont know what you want from life. I dont know where you want to go to college. I dont know where your fathers buried. I dont even know how you feel about losing Scott and Doug. You dont tell me any of that.
Because I dont want to scare you!
Thats my point. You need someone you arent worried about scaring.
Hes not getting it, Sabine said, and I whirled around to find her walking toward us, from the direction of the quad, her sneakers silent on the spring grass. How long had she been there? Maybe because youre leaving out one important detail. She stepped onto the sidewalk and aimed an angry, challenging look my way. Why dont you tell him what this is really about?
Go away, Sabine. My pulse spiked, and I realized with one glance at her that she knew what he didnt want to hear and I didnt want to tell himthat Tod and I werent a once-kiss mistake. That wed gotten together for real after Nash and I broke upeither because shed read my fears, or she was just plain perceptive. Or both. This is none of your business.
What is this really about? Nash glanced from her to me with dread twisting tight coils of brown and green around his pupils.
Shes talking about Tod, but this isnt about him. Hes not what went wrong between us.
What about Tod? Nash demanded through clenched teeth.
I exhaled slowly. He and Ikind ofgot together last night.
Nashs irises went still, and the only interpretation I had for that was that he didnt know what to feel. Then the colors in his eyes burst into furious motiona true storm of color. What the hell does that mean? You slept with my brother?
Crap. Id never felt more guilty in my life, and it was worse knowing that he wasnt mad at me when he had every right to be, and if I werent about to die, we both knew he would be.
Nash, I really appreciate that Lame. and I know youre just trying to make sure that my last day on earth doesnt suck. True. But we cant get back together just because Im going to die tomorrow. Thats not a real reason.
We shouldnt have broken up in the first place, he insisted, and I realized he was only hearing what he wanted to hear. Competing vines of unease and guilt wound slowly up my spine, tightening as he continued. When I messed up, you forgave me. Now Im forgiving you. You were scared and confusedwho wouldnt be in your positionand he was there, like hes always there. Nash shrugged. Im still gonna kick his ass the next time he has the balls to face me, but todays about us. You and me. So lets get out of here and have some fun. This may be our last chance.
He reached for my hand, but I pulled away before he could touch me, and an irritated twist of green shot through his irises, piercing stubborn composure to reveal something stronger and darker than mere determination.
Uh-oh.
Nash, I need you to understand something, I said. Tod was the catalyst for our breakup, but he wasnt the reason. Hes not the source of our problems. Nothings been the same between us since the winter carnival. Since the thing we didnt talk about. It was always there between us, making him too cautious and putting me on edge. You know that.
Thats not true. He shook his head firmly, stubbornly. We moved on. We were fine. It was working.
No it wasnt. Not like it used to. I was always afraid hed slip up, and it would happen againeven Sabine had told him that. Hell, he had trouble trusting himself half the time. Ive tried to put it behind me. I tried so hard, and I didnt realize it wasnt really working until I felt something that did work.
What are you saying? He looked like Id just smacked him in the head with a two-by-fourlike he didnt know whether to cry or strike back.
Why was there no greeting card for letting a guy down easy the day before youre scheduled to tumble into the dark hereafter? Im sorry for what I did. Im sorry for howthis happened. And Im so, so sorry that I didnt see the problem sooner. I didnt want to see it, because I wanted us to work. My vision blurred with tears and I had to swallow the lump forming in my throat. I didnt want to say what needed to be said, but it wasnt fair to either of us to leave this hanging. But we dont work. Not as a couple. Not anymore.
Nash shook his head, frowning, more frustrated than surprised now. Yes we do.
Nash, you need someone with more than I have to give you. More than Id have, even if I were going to live. Someone who didnt have to talk herself into trusting him. You need someone who understands the way you think and sees into your soul.
Thats you.
No, its not. I dont understand whats going on in there most of the time. I glanced at his chest, where his heart beat beneath his shirt, then back up to his face. I dont know what you want from life. I dont know where you want to go to college. I dont know where your fathers buried. I dont even know how you feel about losing Scott and Doug. You dont tell me any of that.
Because I dont want to scare you!
Thats my point. You need someone you arent worried about scaring.
Hes not getting it, Sabine said, and I whirled around to find her walking toward us, from the direction of the quad, her sneakers silent on the spring grass. How long had she been there? Maybe because youre leaving out one important detail. She stepped onto the sidewalk and aimed an angry, challenging look my way. Why dont you tell him what this is really about?
Go away, Sabine. My pulse spiked, and I realized with one glance at her that she knew what he didnt want to hear and I didnt want to tell himthat Tod and I werent a once-kiss mistake. That wed gotten together for real after Nash and I broke upeither because shed read my fears, or she was just plain perceptive. Or both. This is none of your business.
What is this really about? Nash glanced from her to me with dread twisting tight coils of brown and green around his pupils.
Shes talking about Tod, but this isnt about him. Hes not what went wrong between us.
What about Tod? Nash demanded through clenched teeth.
I exhaled slowly. He and Ikind ofgot together last night.
Nashs irises went still, and the only interpretation I had for that was that he didnt know what to feel. Then the colors in his eyes burst into furious motiona true storm of color. What the hell does that mean? You slept with my brother?
