If I Die
Page 76
No! You know, there are entire moments in some peoples lives that arent about sex!
You were the one pushing the issue this week, Kaylee, he snapped, jaw tight, forehead deeply furrowed.
I know. And that was a mistake.
Too late, I realized what Id said, and how he would misinterpret it. Sex with me would have been a mistake? He bristled with anger, but the wound went deeper than that, and we all three knew it. Why? Because youre so pure and spotless, and I might have tarnished your shine?
Thats not what I
That is what you meant. He was getting louder, and I was afraid someone would hear him, but there were no windows on this side of the building, and the doors stayed closed. Youre purity personified, and Im one big moral question mark. So I guess youre really doing me a favor. Maybe I wont look so bad when youre not standing next to me, Nash snapped, and my face stung, like hed slapped me. Tears formed in my eyes, but I blinked them away, clinging to anger as I faced the death of any hope Id had for us parting on good terms.
What is wrong with you? Hed never spoken to me like that before. He wouldnt.
I caught my girlfriend making out with my brother in front of half the school! He was shouting now, his hands curled into fists at his sides. I think that entitles me to a little anger.
Yeah, it does. I wasnt going to deny that. And Id been pissed when Id caught him kissing Sabine, even though he hadnt initiated that. But I dont know what else you want me to say. Ive never been sorrier about anything in my life. Tod feels so bad hes prepared to spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to you.
But he wasnt sorry enough to keep his hands to himself last night, was he? His eyes shined with angry tears, even as his irises churned with pain. You let him touch you?
Oh, hell Sabine mumbled. Dont answer that.
I glanced at her in surprise, and she seemed to be trying to tell me something without actually saying it. Some kind of warning. But by then I could hardly see through my own anger.
Thats none of your business, I said softly. Yet I could feel myself flush.
Nash blinked, openly wounded for a second before fresh fury rolled over him, straightening his spine, squaring his shoulders.
Fine, he said through clenched teeth, and the bright green coil of malice twisting in his eyes seemed to suck the air straight from my lungs. I guess I should have seen this coming. I mean, you two have so much in common, like death, and lies, and spying on people you claim to careabout. Hes the cold corpse to your frigid bitch.
His words stung so sharp and deep that at first I couldnt breathe. Even Sabine looked surprised by the venom in his tone, and in the second it took me to recover, I realized something was truly wrong. Nash wouldnt talk to me like that, no matter how mad I made him, or how badly I hurt him. He wasnt that kind of guy.
Give me your hand. I reached out for it when he refused, and when he tried to step back, I lunged forward and caught his fingers.
They were ice-cold.
No. Damn it, Nash. I turned to Sabine without letting go of him. Hes using again. And it was all my fault. Again.
18
What do you care? Nash pulled his freezing fingers from my grasp and leaned against the brick wall. Youd rather be with the living dead than with me, so why dont you two just go haunt someone and leave me alone.
I didnt know what to do. I couldnt decide whether to yell at him or wrap one arm around him and take him somewhere safe until he came down from his bitter high. I didnt know whether to hate him for giving in again, or hate myself for driving him to it.
Finally I whirled on Sabine with a furious insight. Did you know about this?
She shrugged, but looked distinctly unhappy. Harmony caught us with a bottle of Jack last night and kicked me out. I left to feed, then went back after she left for work, and he was like this, but I couldnt find his balloon. He finally fell asleep early this morning, so I left him for half an hour to grab a change of clothes, and he was high again when I got back. But he insisted on coming to school to talk to you.
Shut up, Sabine, Nash snapped, but she ignored him.
Why didnt you tell me? I demanded.
Why should I? Hes not your problem anymore.
I gaped at her in disbelief. Breaking up with him doesnt mean I dont care about him! Nash and I had been through too much together for that to ever be possible. Our parents were close. His mom was the only mother figure I had. He was the only other bean sidhe my age Id ever met. And my feelings for his brother would have kept me and Nash in each others lives, even if none of the rest of that were true. At least, they would if I were scheduled to live past Thursday. And it definitely doesnt mean I want to watch him die!
Sabine rolled her eyes. Hes not going to die. Ill take him home with me until he comes down, then Ill make sure it doesnt happen again. Thats the difference between you and meIm not going to run from his problems.
That wasnt fair. But it was true.
You were the one pushing the issue this week, Kaylee, he snapped, jaw tight, forehead deeply furrowed.
I know. And that was a mistake.
Too late, I realized what Id said, and how he would misinterpret it. Sex with me would have been a mistake? He bristled with anger, but the wound went deeper than that, and we all three knew it. Why? Because youre so pure and spotless, and I might have tarnished your shine?
Thats not what I
That is what you meant. He was getting louder, and I was afraid someone would hear him, but there were no windows on this side of the building, and the doors stayed closed. Youre purity personified, and Im one big moral question mark. So I guess youre really doing me a favor. Maybe I wont look so bad when youre not standing next to me, Nash snapped, and my face stung, like hed slapped me. Tears formed in my eyes, but I blinked them away, clinging to anger as I faced the death of any hope Id had for us parting on good terms.
What is wrong with you? Hed never spoken to me like that before. He wouldnt.
I caught my girlfriend making out with my brother in front of half the school! He was shouting now, his hands curled into fists at his sides. I think that entitles me to a little anger.
Yeah, it does. I wasnt going to deny that. And Id been pissed when Id caught him kissing Sabine, even though he hadnt initiated that. But I dont know what else you want me to say. Ive never been sorrier about anything in my life. Tod feels so bad hes prepared to spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to you.
But he wasnt sorry enough to keep his hands to himself last night, was he? His eyes shined with angry tears, even as his irises churned with pain. You let him touch you?
Oh, hell Sabine mumbled. Dont answer that.
I glanced at her in surprise, and she seemed to be trying to tell me something without actually saying it. Some kind of warning. But by then I could hardly see through my own anger.
Thats none of your business, I said softly. Yet I could feel myself flush.
Nash blinked, openly wounded for a second before fresh fury rolled over him, straightening his spine, squaring his shoulders.
Fine, he said through clenched teeth, and the bright green coil of malice twisting in his eyes seemed to suck the air straight from my lungs. I guess I should have seen this coming. I mean, you two have so much in common, like death, and lies, and spying on people you claim to careabout. Hes the cold corpse to your frigid bitch.
His words stung so sharp and deep that at first I couldnt breathe. Even Sabine looked surprised by the venom in his tone, and in the second it took me to recover, I realized something was truly wrong. Nash wouldnt talk to me like that, no matter how mad I made him, or how badly I hurt him. He wasnt that kind of guy.
Give me your hand. I reached out for it when he refused, and when he tried to step back, I lunged forward and caught his fingers.
They were ice-cold.
No. Damn it, Nash. I turned to Sabine without letting go of him. Hes using again. And it was all my fault. Again.
18
What do you care? Nash pulled his freezing fingers from my grasp and leaned against the brick wall. Youd rather be with the living dead than with me, so why dont you two just go haunt someone and leave me alone.
I didnt know what to do. I couldnt decide whether to yell at him or wrap one arm around him and take him somewhere safe until he came down from his bitter high. I didnt know whether to hate him for giving in again, or hate myself for driving him to it.
Finally I whirled on Sabine with a furious insight. Did you know about this?
She shrugged, but looked distinctly unhappy. Harmony caught us with a bottle of Jack last night and kicked me out. I left to feed, then went back after she left for work, and he was like this, but I couldnt find his balloon. He finally fell asleep early this morning, so I left him for half an hour to grab a change of clothes, and he was high again when I got back. But he insisted on coming to school to talk to you.
Shut up, Sabine, Nash snapped, but she ignored him.
Why didnt you tell me? I demanded.
Why should I? Hes not your problem anymore.
I gaped at her in disbelief. Breaking up with him doesnt mean I dont care about him! Nash and I had been through too much together for that to ever be possible. Our parents were close. His mom was the only mother figure I had. He was the only other bean sidhe my age Id ever met. And my feelings for his brother would have kept me and Nash in each others lives, even if none of the rest of that were true. At least, they would if I were scheduled to live past Thursday. And it definitely doesnt mean I want to watch him die!
Sabine rolled her eyes. Hes not going to die. Ill take him home with me until he comes down, then Ill make sure it doesnt happen again. Thats the difference between you and meIm not going to run from his problems.
That wasnt fair. But it was true.
