If I Die
Page 78
My pulse spiked with a bolt of old fear. I couldnt be alone with him while he was using. He would never intentionally hurt me, but he wasnt himself when he was on frost, and things had gotten out of control before.
Nash, I cant, I said, drowning in my own guilt. Go home with Sabine. Let her take care of you. I promise Ill check on you later. With Tod, whether he was visible or not. Im sorry. I edged around the blue car and had taken several steps toward my own when Nash shouted behind me.
You owe me!
I flinched, but I didnt stop. Yes, Tod and I had made a mistake, and yes, we felt horrible about it, but Id done my best to explain and Id apologized from the bottom of my soul more times than I could remember. But Nash was asking for something I couldnt do.
When I didnt answer, he shouted again. Come back!
Confliction burned in my chest for a single instant before his Influence rolled over me in a white-hot wave of compulsion, and suddenly I wanted to turn and walk back to him.
Panic tightened my throat, threatening to choke me. I fought him in my head, but my feet turned and carried me back to him, even as angry tears formed in my eyes. This isnt happening. Hed sworn hed never Influence me again!
Nash Sabine said, but he ignored her, staring straight into my eyes.
Give me your keys, he said, and my hand slid into my pocket slowly, as the first tears fell.
Fighthimfighthimfighthim!
But I couldnt fight, because I wanted to give him my keys.
Come with me. He took the keys, then wound his freezing fingers around mine, and I wanted to follow him toward my car, even though I knew that if hed just stop talking, I wouldnt want anything but to run far enough away that I couldnt hear him.
Stop, I said, using all the willpower I had left to halt my steps and voice my objection. You promised you wouldnt do this.
Youre not leaving me much of a choice. I just want to talk. And every word he spoke washed away a little more of my objection, blurring my thoughts until they were hazy at best.
Where are we going? I asked, as my pulse swooshed sluggishly and my feet carried me farther and farther from the school building.
Somewhere private, he said with another warm pulse of Influence, and suddenly I wanted to be alone with himall except for the thin voice of protest in my head whispering that this was a very bad idea. But the rest of me knew better. The rest of me knew that Nash could take care of me and make me happy. And all I had to do was let him.
Sabine grabbed his arm. Nash, let her go! She looked scared for only the second time since Id met her, and I knew I should understand her fear, but it was just out of my grasp. This is insane.You cant make her want you. You cant talk her into loving you. Sabine flinched, like each word she said actually hurt, and I felt bad for her. She needed someone to make her happy, like Nash made me happy.
My memories of her are empty, Sabine. The images are there, but I cant feel anything when I think about them. I cant feel what Kaylee and I used to be like together. I know thats my fault, and Ill never forgive myself for giving that part of her up. But I need today with her. I need new memories of hergood onesor after shes gone, I will truly have lost her. All of her.
He jerked free from her grasp and we were walking again. I need you to understand that, and give us this one day. He stopped next to my car and pulled open the passengers-side door, but Sabine stepped in front of him, blocking the car, her face a raw display of determination, her eyes dark with bitter pain.
Youre high, she said, and he tried to brush her aside, but Sabine wouldnt go. Listen to me, Nash. Youre not thinking clearly. Youre hurt, and angry, and youre already mourning her, and the Demons Breath is making all that worse. But Im telling you right now that shes gonna hate you for this. And so will Tod.
Screw Tod! Nash shouted, and I jumped, startled. I blinked, and everything looked a little clearer. The world felt a little sharper. He shouldnt have been anywhere near her in the first place.
Fine. But this isnt going to fix that. You cant talk forever, and as soon as you stop, shes going to realize what youre doing, and shell die hating you. Is that what you want?
Fear slipped into the vacuum that the departing mental haze left in my head, and my hands started to shake. Something was wrong. I didnt want to gowherever he wanted to take me.
I just need her back, for one day. This is my last chance to make that happen. Nash pulled her out of the way and pushed me closer to the car. Get in, he ordered, and the pain in his voice almost rivaled the Influence.
But by then I understood. This was wrong, and I should fight it.
I watched him through my own tears, struggling to keep my legs locked. To stay standing. If you ever loved me, you wont do this I whispered, with all the volume I could manage.
I do love you. Everythings going to be fine, I promise. Now get in the car.
She doesnt want to go with you! Sabine pulled him away from me, but he jerked free of her hold.
Yes she does. Ask her. And he was right. I wanted to go wherever he wanted to take me, and that fact scared me so badly I could hardly breathe, because I knew I shouldnt want to. Sit, Kaylee.
Nash, I cant, I said, drowning in my own guilt. Go home with Sabine. Let her take care of you. I promise Ill check on you later. With Tod, whether he was visible or not. Im sorry. I edged around the blue car and had taken several steps toward my own when Nash shouted behind me.
You owe me!
I flinched, but I didnt stop. Yes, Tod and I had made a mistake, and yes, we felt horrible about it, but Id done my best to explain and Id apologized from the bottom of my soul more times than I could remember. But Nash was asking for something I couldnt do.
When I didnt answer, he shouted again. Come back!
Confliction burned in my chest for a single instant before his Influence rolled over me in a white-hot wave of compulsion, and suddenly I wanted to turn and walk back to him.
Panic tightened my throat, threatening to choke me. I fought him in my head, but my feet turned and carried me back to him, even as angry tears formed in my eyes. This isnt happening. Hed sworn hed never Influence me again!
Nash Sabine said, but he ignored her, staring straight into my eyes.
Give me your keys, he said, and my hand slid into my pocket slowly, as the first tears fell.
Fighthimfighthimfighthim!
But I couldnt fight, because I wanted to give him my keys.
Come with me. He took the keys, then wound his freezing fingers around mine, and I wanted to follow him toward my car, even though I knew that if hed just stop talking, I wouldnt want anything but to run far enough away that I couldnt hear him.
Stop, I said, using all the willpower I had left to halt my steps and voice my objection. You promised you wouldnt do this.
Youre not leaving me much of a choice. I just want to talk. And every word he spoke washed away a little more of my objection, blurring my thoughts until they were hazy at best.
Where are we going? I asked, as my pulse swooshed sluggishly and my feet carried me farther and farther from the school building.
Somewhere private, he said with another warm pulse of Influence, and suddenly I wanted to be alone with himall except for the thin voice of protest in my head whispering that this was a very bad idea. But the rest of me knew better. The rest of me knew that Nash could take care of me and make me happy. And all I had to do was let him.
Sabine grabbed his arm. Nash, let her go! She looked scared for only the second time since Id met her, and I knew I should understand her fear, but it was just out of my grasp. This is insane.You cant make her want you. You cant talk her into loving you. Sabine flinched, like each word she said actually hurt, and I felt bad for her. She needed someone to make her happy, like Nash made me happy.
My memories of her are empty, Sabine. The images are there, but I cant feel anything when I think about them. I cant feel what Kaylee and I used to be like together. I know thats my fault, and Ill never forgive myself for giving that part of her up. But I need today with her. I need new memories of hergood onesor after shes gone, I will truly have lost her. All of her.
He jerked free from her grasp and we were walking again. I need you to understand that, and give us this one day. He stopped next to my car and pulled open the passengers-side door, but Sabine stepped in front of him, blocking the car, her face a raw display of determination, her eyes dark with bitter pain.
Youre high, she said, and he tried to brush her aside, but Sabine wouldnt go. Listen to me, Nash. Youre not thinking clearly. Youre hurt, and angry, and youre already mourning her, and the Demons Breath is making all that worse. But Im telling you right now that shes gonna hate you for this. And so will Tod.
Screw Tod! Nash shouted, and I jumped, startled. I blinked, and everything looked a little clearer. The world felt a little sharper. He shouldnt have been anywhere near her in the first place.
Fine. But this isnt going to fix that. You cant talk forever, and as soon as you stop, shes going to realize what youre doing, and shell die hating you. Is that what you want?
Fear slipped into the vacuum that the departing mental haze left in my head, and my hands started to shake. Something was wrong. I didnt want to gowherever he wanted to take me.
I just need her back, for one day. This is my last chance to make that happen. Nash pulled her out of the way and pushed me closer to the car. Get in, he ordered, and the pain in his voice almost rivaled the Influence.
But by then I understood. This was wrong, and I should fight it.
I watched him through my own tears, struggling to keep my legs locked. To stay standing. If you ever loved me, you wont do this I whispered, with all the volume I could manage.
I do love you. Everythings going to be fine, I promise. Now get in the car.
She doesnt want to go with you! Sabine pulled him away from me, but he jerked free of her hold.
Yes she does. Ask her. And he was right. I wanted to go wherever he wanted to take me, and that fact scared me so badly I could hardly breathe, because I knew I shouldnt want to. Sit, Kaylee.
