If I Die
Page 79
My legs gave out and I fell onto my own passenger seat, as the first tear trailed down my cheek.
He tried to close the door, but Sabine held it open. Nash, dont make me do this
Get out of the way. You know Id never hurt her. I just want to talk to her, he said, face flushed with irritation, irises swirling in an uneven, complicated mix of grief and determination.
That is hurting her. Sabine punched him in the stomach, and he doubled over from the blow. And suddenly I was free.
While he coughed, I sucked in a deep, clean breath and stood on shaky legs, tears falling steadily now, backing away from him in horror.
Thank you, I whispered to Sabine, and I realized from the bruised look in her eyes that she was hurting, too. Maybe more than I was.
Just go away, Kaylee. She handed me my keys and slid one arm around Nash to hold him up. You did this to him, and the sooner hes over you, the better off well all be.
The ache in my chest was a steady throb of guilt, and fear, and worry. I slammed my open door, and backed away from them both, then around the car. Are you sure you can handle him? I asked as I sank into the drivers seat.
Yeah. Im stronger than you are. And I know how to work off misplaced aggression.
The truth of both statements pissed me off, but I wasnt going to argue. Keep him away from me. And keep him clean. Then I started the car and drove out of the lot, fighting more tears.
I texted Emma to tell her I was going home, and that she should stay away from Nash for a while, and that Id call her after school to explain. Then I took several deep breaths and called Harmony from the road.
Kaylee? Harmony said into my ear, her voice still groggy from sleep. And I burst into tears.
Kaylee, whats wrong? Bed springs creaked, and she sounded more awake. What happened?
The road blurred beneath my tears, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot and turned off the engine. Remember when you told me to watch out for bean sidhe brothers?
Yes She sounded both relieved and wary to realize my call had nothing to do with my impending death, and everything to do with her sons hearts.
I didnt watch out well enough.
Harmonys sigh seemed to carry the weight of the world. Does this have something to do with why Nash and Sabine were drinking last night?
Yes. But its so much worse now. And Im so sorry for what I did, and now everythings messed up. And telling Harmony was almost as hard as telling Nash, because she was the closest thing I had to a mom, but she was their mother, and Id torn her real family apart.
Okay,calm down and tell me what happened. Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?
No, you have to go get Nash. You have to help him.
Why? What happened to Nash? She was on her feet nowI could hear the floorboard creak over the line, between my own ragged, tear-choked breaths.
I kissed Tod, and Nash saw it, and we broke up. But then he came to school today and wanted to get back together, but hes high on frost and hes out of control. He tried to make me leave with him, and Sabine had to hit him, and everything is so messed up, and I dont know how to fix it.
Harmony took a deep breath, and I envied her ability to simply institute calm whenever she needed it. If I were going to grow up, Id want to be just like her. Is Nash still with Sabine?
Yeah. Theyre in the school parking lot.
Okay, Im going to let you go so I can call her and see about Nash.
Okay. I sniffled one more time, then wiped my face with the tail of my shirt. Harmony, Im so sorry.
So am I, sweetie. Im sorry for all of us.
She hung up, and I took several more deep breaths to make sure I wouldnt sound like Id been crying. Then I called Tod from the road. He answered on the first ring.
Hey, shouldnt you be in class?
No. Definitely not. Can you come over? I would have asked him to bring pizza, but it was only nine-thirty in the morning, and the pizza place didnt open till eleven.
Ill meet you at your house. But, of course, he was already waiting on the porch when I got there.
Inside, I pulled him close for a hug I never wanted to end. He felt good, his shoulder solid beneath my cheek, his arms around me, hands clasped at the base of my spine. Tod felt strong, and warm, and wonderful, and I wanted to hold himto be held by himfor the rest of what little life I had left. I really needed that, I said, staring up at him when I finally let go. I might need another one.
I live to serve. Except for the part about living He leaned in for another hug, but stopped with one good look into my eyes. Whats wrong?
Instead of answering, I tugged him toward the couch, then pulled him down next to me.
Kaylee, what happened?
I talked to Nash at school today, and it didnt go so well.
Not so well, meaning?
He was high. And upset. I had to tell him about us, and that made it worse.
Damn it. Tod let his head fall against the back of the couch. But he didnt look surprised.
He tried to close the door, but Sabine held it open. Nash, dont make me do this
Get out of the way. You know Id never hurt her. I just want to talk to her, he said, face flushed with irritation, irises swirling in an uneven, complicated mix of grief and determination.
That is hurting her. Sabine punched him in the stomach, and he doubled over from the blow. And suddenly I was free.
While he coughed, I sucked in a deep, clean breath and stood on shaky legs, tears falling steadily now, backing away from him in horror.
Thank you, I whispered to Sabine, and I realized from the bruised look in her eyes that she was hurting, too. Maybe more than I was.
Just go away, Kaylee. She handed me my keys and slid one arm around Nash to hold him up. You did this to him, and the sooner hes over you, the better off well all be.
The ache in my chest was a steady throb of guilt, and fear, and worry. I slammed my open door, and backed away from them both, then around the car. Are you sure you can handle him? I asked as I sank into the drivers seat.
Yeah. Im stronger than you are. And I know how to work off misplaced aggression.
The truth of both statements pissed me off, but I wasnt going to argue. Keep him away from me. And keep him clean. Then I started the car and drove out of the lot, fighting more tears.
I texted Emma to tell her I was going home, and that she should stay away from Nash for a while, and that Id call her after school to explain. Then I took several deep breaths and called Harmony from the road.
Kaylee? Harmony said into my ear, her voice still groggy from sleep. And I burst into tears.
Kaylee, whats wrong? Bed springs creaked, and she sounded more awake. What happened?
The road blurred beneath my tears, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot and turned off the engine. Remember when you told me to watch out for bean sidhe brothers?
Yes She sounded both relieved and wary to realize my call had nothing to do with my impending death, and everything to do with her sons hearts.
I didnt watch out well enough.
Harmonys sigh seemed to carry the weight of the world. Does this have something to do with why Nash and Sabine were drinking last night?
Yes. But its so much worse now. And Im so sorry for what I did, and now everythings messed up. And telling Harmony was almost as hard as telling Nash, because she was the closest thing I had to a mom, but she was their mother, and Id torn her real family apart.
Okay,calm down and tell me what happened. Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?
No, you have to go get Nash. You have to help him.
Why? What happened to Nash? She was on her feet nowI could hear the floorboard creak over the line, between my own ragged, tear-choked breaths.
I kissed Tod, and Nash saw it, and we broke up. But then he came to school today and wanted to get back together, but hes high on frost and hes out of control. He tried to make me leave with him, and Sabine had to hit him, and everything is so messed up, and I dont know how to fix it.
Harmony took a deep breath, and I envied her ability to simply institute calm whenever she needed it. If I were going to grow up, Id want to be just like her. Is Nash still with Sabine?
Yeah. Theyre in the school parking lot.
Okay, Im going to let you go so I can call her and see about Nash.
Okay. I sniffled one more time, then wiped my face with the tail of my shirt. Harmony, Im so sorry.
So am I, sweetie. Im sorry for all of us.
She hung up, and I took several more deep breaths to make sure I wouldnt sound like Id been crying. Then I called Tod from the road. He answered on the first ring.
Hey, shouldnt you be in class?
No. Definitely not. Can you come over? I would have asked him to bring pizza, but it was only nine-thirty in the morning, and the pizza place didnt open till eleven.
Ill meet you at your house. But, of course, he was already waiting on the porch when I got there.
Inside, I pulled him close for a hug I never wanted to end. He felt good, his shoulder solid beneath my cheek, his arms around me, hands clasped at the base of my spine. Tod felt strong, and warm, and wonderful, and I wanted to hold himto be held by himfor the rest of what little life I had left. I really needed that, I said, staring up at him when I finally let go. I might need another one.
I live to serve. Except for the part about living He leaned in for another hug, but stopped with one good look into my eyes. Whats wrong?
Instead of answering, I tugged him toward the couch, then pulled him down next to me.
Kaylee, what happened?
I talked to Nash at school today, and it didnt go so well.
Not so well, meaning?
He was high. And upset. I had to tell him about us, and that made it worse.
Damn it. Tod let his head fall against the back of the couch. But he didnt look surprised.
