If I Die
Page 80
You knew he was using again?
He sat up when I twisted to sit cross-legged facing him, with my spine against the arm of the couch. Umyeah. I caught him with a full balloon last night. Dont worry, though. I popped it.
Which was why Sabine hadnt been able to find it. Why didnt you tell me?
Because I knew youd blame yourself. He shrugged, like keeping something that important from me was okay.
Yeah. Because its my fault!
No. Tod took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Kaylee, no one feels worse about what Nash is going through than I do. I dont regret a single second Ive spent with you, but I regret how we got here, and I hate that us being together makes my brother miserable. But you arent responsible for how he reacts to pain and anger, and this isnt the last time hell have to face either of those. Nash makes his own decisions, and you cant blame yourself for how hes chosen to cope with this.
But
He cut off my protest with a kiss that lingered, and deepened, and ended with a satisfied sound from deep in his throat as he leaned his forehead against mine.
Cute. I couldnt resist a small smile, but it faded almost immediately. Seriously, though, he saw us together, and now hes high and miserable. Were the reason he started using again.
No. Tod shook his head, and that stray curl fell over his brow. Were the reason hes upset enough to want to get high. But Kaylee, its not like a balloon full of Demons Breath just appeared in his hands, and you certainly didnt give it to him. He made a conscious decision and an active effort to go find one.
How? Where would he get Demons Breath, if he cant cross over? How would Avari even get it into our world?
Where theres demand, there will always be someone willing to supply. There are a hundred different ways Avari could be off-loading his product. Assuming its even him. Tod rubbed his forehead. The only supplier I know of specifically is the balloon animal guy who hangs out near the zoo. His black balloons arent for kids. But I know how to take care of him.
What are you going to do?
Is that something you really want me to answer?
Was it? No. But if hes really Nashs new source, justmake it stick. Whatever you do. I felt a little sick to my stomach, knowing Id just given my blessing for Tod to do something I didnt even want to think about. To another human being. But anyone peddling frost was a murderer in my eyes, and Tod wouldnt kill himhe would never reap off the record. Though the balloon animal guy might soon wish he were dead.
Itll stick. And I want you to stop worrying about Nash.
But I started, and Tod cut me off with another kiss. Is this the routine now? I asked, as his hand tightened around mine and my heart lodged in my throat. I argue, and you cut me off with a kiss?
Not all arguments. In general, I like it when you argue. You get all fiery and passionate. But stupid arguments? He somehow managed to raise both brows and frown sternly at the same time. Yeah. Im gonna shut you up. Like this. He kissed me again, and that one lasted.
Mmm Best punitive system ever.
Thats kinda what I thought.
For real, though, you have to tell me stuff like that. No secrets.
Tod frowned down at me. I should tell you about bad things that you cant fix, even when I know youre just going to blame yourself for them and have a miserable last day of life?
Well, when you put it like that Yes. I nodded firmly.
Fine. Ill keep that in mind, should I find another opportunity to ruin the rest of your life.
Thats all Im asking.
I dont want you to worry about Nash, though. When he fell asleep, I took his balloon and popped it in the Netherworld, so he should be fine, at least until he finds another one. Demons Breath was stored in and dispensed from latex party balloons, an idea Id accidentally given to Avari, who turned out to be a rather enterprising hellion. And we can worry about that in a couple of days.
I wont be here to worry about that in a couple of days.
Exactly. See, even death has a bright side.
But I couldnt let it go. When did you get rid of Nashs balloon?
Last night, after I left here. Sometime after midnight.
Sabine said he was trashed when she picked him up this morning, and his hands were freezing during second period. How is that possible?
Its not, unless he restocked, or had more than that one balloon in the first place. Tod closed his eyes and let his head fall back again. Shit.
And you dont feel even a little bit responsible for this? I asked softly, wishing I could absolve him of guilt, even as I demanded that he accept some of the responsibility.
I didnt say that. I said you shouldnt feel responsible. The reaper sighed and ran one hand through his short curls. Okay, I gotta go find the rest of his stash. You wanna come with me or meet me after?
Actually, I think it can wait. Hes with Sabine. In some ways Id never truly be able to trust her. But I trusted her to keep Nash safeespecially after shed seen him lose control in the parking lot. And your moms probably there by now.
He sat up when I twisted to sit cross-legged facing him, with my spine against the arm of the couch. Umyeah. I caught him with a full balloon last night. Dont worry, though. I popped it.
Which was why Sabine hadnt been able to find it. Why didnt you tell me?
Because I knew youd blame yourself. He shrugged, like keeping something that important from me was okay.
Yeah. Because its my fault!
No. Tod took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Kaylee, no one feels worse about what Nash is going through than I do. I dont regret a single second Ive spent with you, but I regret how we got here, and I hate that us being together makes my brother miserable. But you arent responsible for how he reacts to pain and anger, and this isnt the last time hell have to face either of those. Nash makes his own decisions, and you cant blame yourself for how hes chosen to cope with this.
But
He cut off my protest with a kiss that lingered, and deepened, and ended with a satisfied sound from deep in his throat as he leaned his forehead against mine.
Cute. I couldnt resist a small smile, but it faded almost immediately. Seriously, though, he saw us together, and now hes high and miserable. Were the reason he started using again.
No. Tod shook his head, and that stray curl fell over his brow. Were the reason hes upset enough to want to get high. But Kaylee, its not like a balloon full of Demons Breath just appeared in his hands, and you certainly didnt give it to him. He made a conscious decision and an active effort to go find one.
How? Where would he get Demons Breath, if he cant cross over? How would Avari even get it into our world?
Where theres demand, there will always be someone willing to supply. There are a hundred different ways Avari could be off-loading his product. Assuming its even him. Tod rubbed his forehead. The only supplier I know of specifically is the balloon animal guy who hangs out near the zoo. His black balloons arent for kids. But I know how to take care of him.
What are you going to do?
Is that something you really want me to answer?
Was it? No. But if hes really Nashs new source, justmake it stick. Whatever you do. I felt a little sick to my stomach, knowing Id just given my blessing for Tod to do something I didnt even want to think about. To another human being. But anyone peddling frost was a murderer in my eyes, and Tod wouldnt kill himhe would never reap off the record. Though the balloon animal guy might soon wish he were dead.
Itll stick. And I want you to stop worrying about Nash.
But I started, and Tod cut me off with another kiss. Is this the routine now? I asked, as his hand tightened around mine and my heart lodged in my throat. I argue, and you cut me off with a kiss?
Not all arguments. In general, I like it when you argue. You get all fiery and passionate. But stupid arguments? He somehow managed to raise both brows and frown sternly at the same time. Yeah. Im gonna shut you up. Like this. He kissed me again, and that one lasted.
Mmm Best punitive system ever.
Thats kinda what I thought.
For real, though, you have to tell me stuff like that. No secrets.
Tod frowned down at me. I should tell you about bad things that you cant fix, even when I know youre just going to blame yourself for them and have a miserable last day of life?
Well, when you put it like that Yes. I nodded firmly.
Fine. Ill keep that in mind, should I find another opportunity to ruin the rest of your life.
Thats all Im asking.
I dont want you to worry about Nash, though. When he fell asleep, I took his balloon and popped it in the Netherworld, so he should be fine, at least until he finds another one. Demons Breath was stored in and dispensed from latex party balloons, an idea Id accidentally given to Avari, who turned out to be a rather enterprising hellion. And we can worry about that in a couple of days.
I wont be here to worry about that in a couple of days.
Exactly. See, even death has a bright side.
But I couldnt let it go. When did you get rid of Nashs balloon?
Last night, after I left here. Sometime after midnight.
Sabine said he was trashed when she picked him up this morning, and his hands were freezing during second period. How is that possible?
Its not, unless he restocked, or had more than that one balloon in the first place. Tod closed his eyes and let his head fall back again. Shit.
And you dont feel even a little bit responsible for this? I asked softly, wishing I could absolve him of guilt, even as I demanded that he accept some of the responsibility.
I didnt say that. I said you shouldnt feel responsible. The reaper sighed and ran one hand through his short curls. Okay, I gotta go find the rest of his stash. You wanna come with me or meet me after?
Actually, I think it can wait. Hes with Sabine. In some ways Id never truly be able to trust her. But I trusted her to keep Nash safeespecially after shed seen him lose control in the parking lot. And your moms probably there by now.
