If I Die
Page 9
My momssick. And my dad wont talk to me. The doctor told him what happened, and he left without even coming in to say hi. Because, you know, the shame is contagious. For a moment, biting sarcasm eclipsed the obvious pain in her voice, and I found myself hating a father who wasnt mine. A man Id never met. And now Ive lost Max, too. And I dont even know how this happened!
You dont? I started, brows raised, but Danica rolled her tear-reddened eyes.
I mean, I know how it happened. I just cant figure out why. I remembergetting pregnant. But I cant remember what I was thinking. I dont do things like that. I love Max, and I cant remember why I was willing to throw him away for one stupid night.
It was just one night? I said, stunned by the thought that a single mistake could throw her whole life into chaos.
Danica nodded miserably. Less than that, really. It was just a couple of hours about a month ago. Afterward I tried to put it behind me and move on, but every time I see him, I want him all over again, even though I hate myself for what I did to Max. How horrible does that make me? She covered her face with both hands. Why cant I get him out of my head?
I waited, hoping shed let a name slip, but when her hands fell, she only stared at the wall across from her bed, shoulders slumped, eyes starting to lose focus. Maybe she was a little medicated after all.
Did you know you were pregnant? I whispered, wondering if Id worn out my welcome. She looked like she wanted to go back to sleep for a long, long time.
Danica nodded slowly. I found out last week. That was the only bright spot. She blinked, then faced me again. I was going to keep it. I dont know howmy dad would rather kick me out than claim a bastard grandchildbut I would have found a way. Then this morning, I passed out in first period and woke up in the hospital, and bam, my whole lifes ruined. She let the tears fall that time, and they rolled down her face to drip on the white blanket.
I leaned forward, hurting for her and desperate to help. But I was in over my head. I had no experience with peer counseling, and no matter what Sabine had to say about my inexperience and naivety, I wasnt exactly a shining example of the adolescent ideal. Just ask my dad.
Your life isnt ruined, Danica, I insisted, scrambling for something to support that statement. Max might get over this, if you tell him how much he means to you. And even if he doesnt, you have a whole lifetime to decide who you want to be with, and if you want kids later, you can
No, I cant. Danica stared down at her fingers, shredding a second tissue all over the bedspread, and theflat, dead quality of her voice sent chills through me. I cant have kids, Kaylee. Not anymore. Whatever went wrong with this one ruined it for the rest of them.
Ohh
I leaned back in my chair, devastated for her and stunned beyond words.
I know I wasnt ready, Danica began, and this time her voice was alive with bitter pain. It was probably stupid of me to think I could handle it. But now I dont even have that option. What kind of screwed-up world is this, when the doctor can stand there and tell a seventeen-year-old that her insides are so messed up that she cant support life. Ever. And they cant even tell me why. Thats the real bitch.
I nodded for lack of a better response, oddly relieved to find her anger outshining her grief. They dont know what happened?
She shook her head miserably. They have more tests to run, but all they know now is that this morning I was pregnant, and now Im not, and I lost a ton of blood in the process. That doesnt usually happen in a first trimester miscarriage, according to the doc, but I needed a transfusion.
She got quiet then, with her head against the pillow, and I thought she was falling asleep.
Last chance, Kaylee
Danica, who was the father? I whispered, leaning forward in my chair again.
Doesnt matter, she whispered back, her eyes closed. Not anymore. She fumbled for the controller and pressed a button to lower the head of the bed again. I need to sleep now, she mumbled, clearly exhausted by the visit. Thanks for coming
I stood and watched her doze for a second, then I was heading for the door when Danica groaned, and I glanced back at her.
Maybe this would have happened later anyway, she mumbled, so low I could barely hear her. Maybe I wasnt meant to have kids. But I wanted this one
Visiting hours were over two hours ago, a sharp female voice barked as I closed Danicas door, and I spun around to find an elderly nurseher name tag read Debbie Nolan, RNin pale purple scrubs frowning at me.
Oops. Busted
Sorry. I didnt get off work in time to visit, and shes my cousin, so I was almost disturbed by how easily the lie flowed. When had I gotten so good at that?
Oh Nurse Nolans frown melted into a bruising look of sympathy. Im sorry. Its so sad, with her so young. She glanced behind her, like someone might be watching, then gestured for me to come closer as her voice dropped into a conspiratorial whisper. Do you want to see your aunt, too, while youre here?
You dont? I started, brows raised, but Danica rolled her tear-reddened eyes.
I mean, I know how it happened. I just cant figure out why. I remembergetting pregnant. But I cant remember what I was thinking. I dont do things like that. I love Max, and I cant remember why I was willing to throw him away for one stupid night.
It was just one night? I said, stunned by the thought that a single mistake could throw her whole life into chaos.
Danica nodded miserably. Less than that, really. It was just a couple of hours about a month ago. Afterward I tried to put it behind me and move on, but every time I see him, I want him all over again, even though I hate myself for what I did to Max. How horrible does that make me? She covered her face with both hands. Why cant I get him out of my head?
I waited, hoping shed let a name slip, but when her hands fell, she only stared at the wall across from her bed, shoulders slumped, eyes starting to lose focus. Maybe she was a little medicated after all.
Did you know you were pregnant? I whispered, wondering if Id worn out my welcome. She looked like she wanted to go back to sleep for a long, long time.
Danica nodded slowly. I found out last week. That was the only bright spot. She blinked, then faced me again. I was going to keep it. I dont know howmy dad would rather kick me out than claim a bastard grandchildbut I would have found a way. Then this morning, I passed out in first period and woke up in the hospital, and bam, my whole lifes ruined. She let the tears fall that time, and they rolled down her face to drip on the white blanket.
I leaned forward, hurting for her and desperate to help. But I was in over my head. I had no experience with peer counseling, and no matter what Sabine had to say about my inexperience and naivety, I wasnt exactly a shining example of the adolescent ideal. Just ask my dad.
Your life isnt ruined, Danica, I insisted, scrambling for something to support that statement. Max might get over this, if you tell him how much he means to you. And even if he doesnt, you have a whole lifetime to decide who you want to be with, and if you want kids later, you can
No, I cant. Danica stared down at her fingers, shredding a second tissue all over the bedspread, and theflat, dead quality of her voice sent chills through me. I cant have kids, Kaylee. Not anymore. Whatever went wrong with this one ruined it for the rest of them.
Ohh
I leaned back in my chair, devastated for her and stunned beyond words.
I know I wasnt ready, Danica began, and this time her voice was alive with bitter pain. It was probably stupid of me to think I could handle it. But now I dont even have that option. What kind of screwed-up world is this, when the doctor can stand there and tell a seventeen-year-old that her insides are so messed up that she cant support life. Ever. And they cant even tell me why. Thats the real bitch.
I nodded for lack of a better response, oddly relieved to find her anger outshining her grief. They dont know what happened?
She shook her head miserably. They have more tests to run, but all they know now is that this morning I was pregnant, and now Im not, and I lost a ton of blood in the process. That doesnt usually happen in a first trimester miscarriage, according to the doc, but I needed a transfusion.
She got quiet then, with her head against the pillow, and I thought she was falling asleep.
Last chance, Kaylee
Danica, who was the father? I whispered, leaning forward in my chair again.
Doesnt matter, she whispered back, her eyes closed. Not anymore. She fumbled for the controller and pressed a button to lower the head of the bed again. I need to sleep now, she mumbled, clearly exhausted by the visit. Thanks for coming
I stood and watched her doze for a second, then I was heading for the door when Danica groaned, and I glanced back at her.
Maybe this would have happened later anyway, she mumbled, so low I could barely hear her. Maybe I wasnt meant to have kids. But I wanted this one
Visiting hours were over two hours ago, a sharp female voice barked as I closed Danicas door, and I spun around to find an elderly nurseher name tag read Debbie Nolan, RNin pale purple scrubs frowning at me.
Oops. Busted
Sorry. I didnt get off work in time to visit, and shes my cousin, so I was almost disturbed by how easily the lie flowed. When had I gotten so good at that?
Oh Nurse Nolans frown melted into a bruising look of sympathy. Im sorry. Its so sad, with her so young. She glanced behind her, like someone might be watching, then gestured for me to come closer as her voice dropped into a conspiratorial whisper. Do you want to see your aunt, too, while youre here?
