If I Lie
Page 43
She means it. The sincerity pours from her. She doesn’t even realize how her explanation sounds to me. Mothers are supposed to put their children first: She chose herself. An ache starts deep in my chest, pressing on my lungs until I feel like I won’t ever be able to breathe again.
“You have no idea what it was like after you left,” I say quietly. “At first, I didn’t realize you weren’t coming back. When it finally hit me, I cried for days and days. Then the nightmares started.”
“Soph—”
“Dad had no idea how to comfort me. He was so lost himself. It took months for us to figure out how to live without you. And another year after that for me to accept you had left for good.”
She drops her hand, and I’m glad. Since that picture of Blake and me came out, people—my friends, my father, me—have compared me to her. Sophie Topper Quinn, an unfaithful slut like her mother. Sitting before her, I can see it’s not true. I’m nothing like her.
I would never walk away from someone who needed me. I stay. Even when things get bad, I stay.
Maybe I am my father’s daughter, after all.
“I think you should go,” I tell her. It’s what you’re good at.
The finality in my tone sinks in. She abandons her coffee and stands. “I know you don’t believe me, but I really did miss you.”
“You’re right,” I say, staring up at her. “I don’t believe you. You could’ve visited anytime. You didn’t. Like you said, you chose you.”
Her eyes widen, and pride straightens her back. “That’s not fair. I tried to visit.”
“Not hard enough,” I say flatly.
“Your father said—” She stops, biting off whatever she intended to say.
“My father said what?” I had no idea they spoke after she left.
She tenses, her face twisted with frustration or anger. I can’t tell which. When she does speak, she ignores my question. “I’m not going anywhere. Edward and I have moved back to North Carolina.” She drops a piece of paper on the table. “That’s my number. If you decide you want to see me.”
I ignore her and she finally takes a hint. I sense her walk away, but I don’t turn to watch her go.
Once was enough to last me a lifetime.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself as I did the morning I woke up in Blake’s bed. I knew I’d made a mistake before I even opened my eyes. His body curved against my back, warming me where we touched. I lay there, confronting what I’d done and who I’d done it with. I’d used him.
Perhaps I should have been disoriented, wondering if it was Carey that I’d finally fallen into bed with. After all, I’d been dating him for two and a half years. But there was no mistaking the feel of that arm lying across my waist. Even in his sleep, Blake sent intense waves of emotion crashing through me. The night before, I’d welcomed all of it—the intensity and the heat. In the light of day, it overwhelmed me.
It took a full minute to slide out from under his arm, moving in millimeters to avoid waking him. I dragged my clothes and sorry self into the bathroom, relieved beyond belief when I didn’t bump into Blake’s brother on the way. Thank goodness his mother was out of town too.
Dressed in last night’s tank top and jeans and disgusted with myself, I wondered what I would say to Blake. If there were magical words to make this all go away without ruining the friendship we had. Then a new, unwelcome thought popped in.
Did I really want to forget last night happened?
Did I want to pretend I hadn’t seen a different side of Blake—a side of him that made me want to be the sort of girl that could inspire longing in his eyes? I could be that girl. Dangerous. Exciting. Something more than the goody-two-shoes, do-the-right-thing machine I’d become. Angel would never believe I’d gone to Blake after what happened with Carey last night. I almost couldn’t believe it myself.
Yet, I considered going back into Blake’s room and waking him to see if his kiss would feel the same in the morning light.
That’s when my phone rang.
I snagged it out of my pocket, nearly dropping it in the sink in my hurry to silence the ringer.
“Hello,” I whispered, expecting it to be my father checking up on me. Lucky for me, he would never know I’d stayed out all night since he’s stayed overnight on base. I’m not sure I would have survived that icy blizzard.
“Quinn, don’t hang up!”
Carey.
My gut twisted in a double knot. I had no idea what to say to him. The night before, he’d shredded me with his confession. This morning, I’d woken up in his best friend’s bed. Words failed me, so I said nothing and listened to him breathe on the other end of the line.
He took that as a good sign and continued. “I need to talk to you. Meet me?”
I didn’t answer for the longest time. Anger should have been my strongest feeling, but the night before had confused me, sending my emotions winding through a blender.
Standing there in Blake’s bathroom, staring at my disheveled reflection, I didn’t know how I felt.
“Please, Quinn,” he begged.
We couldn’t leave things like we had last night. Not with him deploying in a few short days. Better get this over with, I thought. Rip off the Band-Aid.
“Where?”
Thirty minutes later, I parked my Jeep at the edge of Grave Woods. I felt like hell for sneaking out of Blake’s house. I thought about leaving a note, but what could I say?
“You have no idea what it was like after you left,” I say quietly. “At first, I didn’t realize you weren’t coming back. When it finally hit me, I cried for days and days. Then the nightmares started.”
“Soph—”
“Dad had no idea how to comfort me. He was so lost himself. It took months for us to figure out how to live without you. And another year after that for me to accept you had left for good.”
She drops her hand, and I’m glad. Since that picture of Blake and me came out, people—my friends, my father, me—have compared me to her. Sophie Topper Quinn, an unfaithful slut like her mother. Sitting before her, I can see it’s not true. I’m nothing like her.
I would never walk away from someone who needed me. I stay. Even when things get bad, I stay.
Maybe I am my father’s daughter, after all.
“I think you should go,” I tell her. It’s what you’re good at.
The finality in my tone sinks in. She abandons her coffee and stands. “I know you don’t believe me, but I really did miss you.”
“You’re right,” I say, staring up at her. “I don’t believe you. You could’ve visited anytime. You didn’t. Like you said, you chose you.”
Her eyes widen, and pride straightens her back. “That’s not fair. I tried to visit.”
“Not hard enough,” I say flatly.
“Your father said—” She stops, biting off whatever she intended to say.
“My father said what?” I had no idea they spoke after she left.
She tenses, her face twisted with frustration or anger. I can’t tell which. When she does speak, she ignores my question. “I’m not going anywhere. Edward and I have moved back to North Carolina.” She drops a piece of paper on the table. “That’s my number. If you decide you want to see me.”
I ignore her and she finally takes a hint. I sense her walk away, but I don’t turn to watch her go.
Once was enough to last me a lifetime.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself as I did the morning I woke up in Blake’s bed. I knew I’d made a mistake before I even opened my eyes. His body curved against my back, warming me where we touched. I lay there, confronting what I’d done and who I’d done it with. I’d used him.
Perhaps I should have been disoriented, wondering if it was Carey that I’d finally fallen into bed with. After all, I’d been dating him for two and a half years. But there was no mistaking the feel of that arm lying across my waist. Even in his sleep, Blake sent intense waves of emotion crashing through me. The night before, I’d welcomed all of it—the intensity and the heat. In the light of day, it overwhelmed me.
It took a full minute to slide out from under his arm, moving in millimeters to avoid waking him. I dragged my clothes and sorry self into the bathroom, relieved beyond belief when I didn’t bump into Blake’s brother on the way. Thank goodness his mother was out of town too.
Dressed in last night’s tank top and jeans and disgusted with myself, I wondered what I would say to Blake. If there were magical words to make this all go away without ruining the friendship we had. Then a new, unwelcome thought popped in.
Did I really want to forget last night happened?
Did I want to pretend I hadn’t seen a different side of Blake—a side of him that made me want to be the sort of girl that could inspire longing in his eyes? I could be that girl. Dangerous. Exciting. Something more than the goody-two-shoes, do-the-right-thing machine I’d become. Angel would never believe I’d gone to Blake after what happened with Carey last night. I almost couldn’t believe it myself.
Yet, I considered going back into Blake’s room and waking him to see if his kiss would feel the same in the morning light.
That’s when my phone rang.
I snagged it out of my pocket, nearly dropping it in the sink in my hurry to silence the ringer.
“Hello,” I whispered, expecting it to be my father checking up on me. Lucky for me, he would never know I’d stayed out all night since he’s stayed overnight on base. I’m not sure I would have survived that icy blizzard.
“Quinn, don’t hang up!”
Carey.
My gut twisted in a double knot. I had no idea what to say to him. The night before, he’d shredded me with his confession. This morning, I’d woken up in his best friend’s bed. Words failed me, so I said nothing and listened to him breathe on the other end of the line.
He took that as a good sign and continued. “I need to talk to you. Meet me?”
I didn’t answer for the longest time. Anger should have been my strongest feeling, but the night before had confused me, sending my emotions winding through a blender.
Standing there in Blake’s bathroom, staring at my disheveled reflection, I didn’t know how I felt.
“Please, Quinn,” he begged.
We couldn’t leave things like we had last night. Not with him deploying in a few short days. Better get this over with, I thought. Rip off the Band-Aid.
“Where?”
Thirty minutes later, I parked my Jeep at the edge of Grave Woods. I felt like hell for sneaking out of Blake’s house. I thought about leaving a note, but what could I say?
