If I Lie
Page 44
Hey, thanks! It was a blast. We should totally do it again. JK! I was just trying to feel better about myself and now I’m completely confused about my feelings.
Yeah, that would have gone over great. So I left Blake asleep in his bed and tiptoed out the front door.
I didn’t feel any better when I neared the cemetery in Grave Woods and found Carey waiting with his back to me. He’d heard me coming. I could tell by the intent way he cocked his head. Basic had changed him. He had a new alertness about him. A readiness to launch into action, as if he could handle whatever came his way. He’d always been confident. Cocky, even, about his physical ability, especially on a football field. But this quiet confidence was the sort that came from knowing you could handle yourself in a knife fight. The Marines could transform a person in that way. I’d seen it time and again in our town.
Carey the boy had left for basic training; Carey the man had returned in his place.
I didn’t know what to make of either of them.
“I went by your house again last night,” he said, his arms hanging loosely at his sides.
He evaluated me, trying to figure out where he stood. I’d taken that look for granted for years. The way he always paid such close attention to my needs and wants. He had a way of reading me, and I wondered if he could tell how I’d changed since he’d made his confession on the porch the night before. Would he even care? Maybe I should have considered why he’d been so attentive and asked for nothing in return. Perhaps a guilty conscience for lying to me?
“Yeah?” I said with belligerence.
He didn’t react to my snotty tone, but answered mildly, “I was worried. I upset you last night.”
I didn’t explain myself or tell him where I’d been. Maybe I’d made a mistake last night, but I no longer owed him anything. He’d betrayed me, not the other way around.
“Of course you upset me. Geez, Carey, you lied to me for ages.”
He tilted his head in acknowledgment. “I know it doesn’t make things any better, but I didn’t mean to. That’s the last thing I wanted to do.”
I wanted to rage at him and make him feel as bad as I had. His apology and its obvious sincerity deflated my desire to shriek the forest down around him.
“You’re right. It doesn’t make things better.” I sighed, sinking to sit on the ground.
I know Carey, and I could see he wasn’t going to give me what I wanted—a screaming fight. He would let me yell at him, but he wasn’t going to engage. He’d already taken the blame and would accept what I dished out. Damn it.
“I hate you,” I said.
He gave me a half-smile, folding to sit near me, his back to Thomas’s headstone. “No, you don’t. You’re mad at me and you’re hurt, but you don’t hate me.”
He sounded so positive.
“What makes you so sure?”
“You’re my best friend, Quinn,” he answered with a shrug.
I slid forward onto my knees and slugged him as hard as I could in the shoulder. He let me do it. Didn’t even try to stop me. Crying angry tears, I sat back again, shaking out my throbbing hand.
“You’re such an asshole,” I said, sniffing.
He nodded. “You’re right. Hit me again if you want. I can take it.”
Crying harder, I shook my head. “I don’t know you. I thought I did, but it was all a lie, wasn’t it?”
“Aw, Quinn . . .” He scooted closer to me. As if he knew the reception he’d get, he didn’t try to touch me, but he dipped his head to look me in the eye. “I love you. I didn’t lie about that. You and me, we’re more than last night.”
“You broke my heart,” I whispered.
“Did I?” he asked. His dark gaze wouldn’t let mine loose, as if he was daring me to tell the truth. Something we hadn’t done a lot of in a while, I realized. “You knew something wasn’t right with us.”
“No!”
He gave me a disappointed look. “Who’s lying now?”
“Shut up, Carey! You don’t get to be the upset one here!”
“You’re right,” he conceded again.
“Stop saying I’m right!” I shouted.
Cracks began to show in his calm surface, and he exhaled a frustrated breath. “I’m doing the best I can here. What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” I’d had enough lies.
“Ask me a question, then!” he said, anger thrumming in his words.
I stopped. My mouth opened and closed several times. I couldn’t think of a single question that I wanted him to answer.
“You don’t want to know the truth, Quinn! It’s easier to just be pissed at me, isn’t it?”
He stood and stalked away from me. If it had only been anger in his eyes, I could have dealt with that. Anger for anger. But pain blanched his face. That was harder to ignore.
“How long have you known?”
My quiet question sounded loud in the crisp morning air.
He didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “A long time.”
“Why me?” My voice broke on the question, and he struggled to meet my eyes. “Two years you led me on, letting me think we had a future. That’s unforgivable, Carey.”
“Don’t you know how much I wanted that to be my future?” He spread his arms out wide. “Look at me! Do you think this is what I want? I’m in the military, for fuck’s sake! ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’ What kind of life is that?”
Yeah, that would have gone over great. So I left Blake asleep in his bed and tiptoed out the front door.
I didn’t feel any better when I neared the cemetery in Grave Woods and found Carey waiting with his back to me. He’d heard me coming. I could tell by the intent way he cocked his head. Basic had changed him. He had a new alertness about him. A readiness to launch into action, as if he could handle whatever came his way. He’d always been confident. Cocky, even, about his physical ability, especially on a football field. But this quiet confidence was the sort that came from knowing you could handle yourself in a knife fight. The Marines could transform a person in that way. I’d seen it time and again in our town.
Carey the boy had left for basic training; Carey the man had returned in his place.
I didn’t know what to make of either of them.
“I went by your house again last night,” he said, his arms hanging loosely at his sides.
He evaluated me, trying to figure out where he stood. I’d taken that look for granted for years. The way he always paid such close attention to my needs and wants. He had a way of reading me, and I wondered if he could tell how I’d changed since he’d made his confession on the porch the night before. Would he even care? Maybe I should have considered why he’d been so attentive and asked for nothing in return. Perhaps a guilty conscience for lying to me?
“Yeah?” I said with belligerence.
He didn’t react to my snotty tone, but answered mildly, “I was worried. I upset you last night.”
I didn’t explain myself or tell him where I’d been. Maybe I’d made a mistake last night, but I no longer owed him anything. He’d betrayed me, not the other way around.
“Of course you upset me. Geez, Carey, you lied to me for ages.”
He tilted his head in acknowledgment. “I know it doesn’t make things any better, but I didn’t mean to. That’s the last thing I wanted to do.”
I wanted to rage at him and make him feel as bad as I had. His apology and its obvious sincerity deflated my desire to shriek the forest down around him.
“You’re right. It doesn’t make things better.” I sighed, sinking to sit on the ground.
I know Carey, and I could see he wasn’t going to give me what I wanted—a screaming fight. He would let me yell at him, but he wasn’t going to engage. He’d already taken the blame and would accept what I dished out. Damn it.
“I hate you,” I said.
He gave me a half-smile, folding to sit near me, his back to Thomas’s headstone. “No, you don’t. You’re mad at me and you’re hurt, but you don’t hate me.”
He sounded so positive.
“What makes you so sure?”
“You’re my best friend, Quinn,” he answered with a shrug.
I slid forward onto my knees and slugged him as hard as I could in the shoulder. He let me do it. Didn’t even try to stop me. Crying angry tears, I sat back again, shaking out my throbbing hand.
“You’re such an asshole,” I said, sniffing.
He nodded. “You’re right. Hit me again if you want. I can take it.”
Crying harder, I shook my head. “I don’t know you. I thought I did, but it was all a lie, wasn’t it?”
“Aw, Quinn . . .” He scooted closer to me. As if he knew the reception he’d get, he didn’t try to touch me, but he dipped his head to look me in the eye. “I love you. I didn’t lie about that. You and me, we’re more than last night.”
“You broke my heart,” I whispered.
“Did I?” he asked. His dark gaze wouldn’t let mine loose, as if he was daring me to tell the truth. Something we hadn’t done a lot of in a while, I realized. “You knew something wasn’t right with us.”
“No!”
He gave me a disappointed look. “Who’s lying now?”
“Shut up, Carey! You don’t get to be the upset one here!”
“You’re right,” he conceded again.
“Stop saying I’m right!” I shouted.
Cracks began to show in his calm surface, and he exhaled a frustrated breath. “I’m doing the best I can here. What do you want me to say?”
“The truth!” I’d had enough lies.
“Ask me a question, then!” he said, anger thrumming in his words.
I stopped. My mouth opened and closed several times. I couldn’t think of a single question that I wanted him to answer.
“You don’t want to know the truth, Quinn! It’s easier to just be pissed at me, isn’t it?”
He stood and stalked away from me. If it had only been anger in his eyes, I could have dealt with that. Anger for anger. But pain blanched his face. That was harder to ignore.
“How long have you known?”
My quiet question sounded loud in the crisp morning air.
He didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “A long time.”
“Why me?” My voice broke on the question, and he struggled to meet my eyes. “Two years you led me on, letting me think we had a future. That’s unforgivable, Carey.”
“Don’t you know how much I wanted that to be my future?” He spread his arms out wide. “Look at me! Do you think this is what I want? I’m in the military, for fuck’s sake! ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’ What kind of life is that?”
