In the Crease
Page 59
“You can’t say—”
“I can! I don’t care if it pisses you off, but I won’t let you fuck your way through your feelings with me. I deserve better than that.”
“I’m not trying to do that!”
“You’re lying, Wren. I can see right through you.”
“Whatever. This is bullshit.” She tried to walk away, but he stopped her, standing in front of her.
“No, we’re talking this through.” She glared back at him as he started to speak. “Let’s rewind to that night we went to dinner before we got married. Did you want to sleep with me that night because we were getting married or because you wanted me naked?” She went to answer, but he stopped her. “Honestly. It won’t hurt my feelings.”
She blinked and then shrugged. “I mean, I guess both. I wanted you naked, but I felt like maybe we should get it on.”
“Get it on, not make love.”
Her brow rose. “That’s dumb. No one makes love anymore, Jensen.”
“I do. I make fucking love. I don’t fuck. I don’t use a girl to get off. I have sex with her because I want to please her. I want to make her yearn for me. Want more because she means something to me. Do I mean anything to you?”
“Yes, of course,” she answered quickly. “I care for you.”
“Do you like me?”
Her eyes narrowed as annoyance filled her flushed face. “Yeah.”
“Do you love me?”
Her eyes widened as she looked away, unsure what to say. “I mean, no… I don’t know. Why? Why do words matter?”
Wow, that stung, but before he could wallow in that, he yelled, “Because the words you’ve been given have been utter shit, and you don’t know what it’s like to use your words for good. To make someone feel good. To lift them up and make their days better.”
“I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation. If you don’t want to fuck me, don’t.”
“You’re right, I don’t want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you that when I look at you, I see a goddess. I see someone I can spend the rest of my life with—”
Throwing her hands up, she exclaimed, “This was supposed to be fake!” It was as if she’d slapped him. His lips pressed together as her eyes filled with tears. “When I asked you to do this, Jensen, I said it would be fake. You’re the one who wanted it to be real.”
He swallowed hard as he held her gaze. “You’re right, because it’s not fake for me. None of it. Everything I feel, everything I say, is fucking real, Wren.” Her lips snapped shut as she watched him stare back at her. “This was real the moment I asked you to marry me. And, Wren, I get it, sweetheart, I do. This scares the fuck out of you, but just think how scared I am. I’m investing every single ounce of myself in you with the hope that you don’t shatter me. I’m willing to risk a very long friendship with your brother, with your family, shit, even with mine, for you. So yeah, I don’t want to fuck you. I want to make love to you, and I refuse to do anything else but that.”
Holding his gaze, she shook her head. “That isn’t what I wanted, though.”
“Still? I mean, shit, Wren, it’s been weeks, and you still don’t want this? Me?”
The tears started to spill over her sweet cheeks as she shrugged. “I just don’t know.”
Looking away, he fell back into the cabinets as he covered his face, feeling his heart shatter. He loved this girl, so fucking much, and he felt like he was in a losing battle. Yet, he didn’t have it in him to accept defeat. Clearing his throat free of the emotion that wanted to suffocate him, he looked up at her as she cried softly before him. He didn’t know what to say, and yet, he just wanted to reach for her. Hold her, calm her. Was he pathetic?
“Do you love me?” she asked then as she slowly looked up at him, her eyes flooded with tears. It left him feeling like he had just taken a puck to the chest with no protection whatsoever, but then, that’s how he always felt around her. “Everyone says you do, but surely, if you did, you would have tried something before all this.”
Swallowing hard, he nodded. “I do.”
A sob escaped her lips. “What? How? Why? You’ve never said anything.”
“Because I couldn’t.” Her tears fell faster as she shook her head. “I knew you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen in my whole entire life the moment I met you. I wanted you. So fucking badly. But I wouldn’t disrespect your parents in their house. I just wouldn’t, and you never seemed interested in me, so I buried my feelings.”
Her eyes widened as her mouth trembled. “What? Since then?”
“Yeah,” he said with a nod, his heart clanking against his ribs. “Then I met Ophelia, and I convinced myself I loved her. In reality, I always thought of you. I waited for you to text me, needing me, and I would come because I had this compulsion inside of me to always be there for you. When she left me, I was crushed, but I still thought about you. I knew I wasn’t good enough for you. I was sterile, you were fucking gorgeous and amazing, and you needed a man who would give you children. I couldn’t do it.”
“Jensen,” she cried, reaching out, but her hands fell when he backed farther into the counter. If she touched him, he’d lose it.
“But then that time we were out at NateWay, and you were flirting with me about that damn hammer, I thought, this is it, take her in your arms and tell her how you feel. But I didn’t. Because my issue held me back, and I knew you weren’t into relationships. Then days turned into months. We both were on different tracks in life, and while I never didn’t think about you, I knew I wasn’t on your radar until that moment you asked for me to be the father of your kid,” he said, his voice breaking. “So yeah, this wasn’t real for you, but it’s been real for me since the moment I met you. And fucking hell, I want you to love me back. I want it so badly because I have loved you and will love you long after you’re gone. You’re it for me.”
She looked away, and her mouth trembled as she ran her hands down her face, catching her tears and wiping them away. He knew he shouldn’t have unloaded on her, she hadn’t had the best day, but it was bound to happen. In all reality, they should have done this at the beginning, before they were almost three weeks in. But there they were, standing in the kitchen, both in tears. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I can! I don’t care if it pisses you off, but I won’t let you fuck your way through your feelings with me. I deserve better than that.”
“I’m not trying to do that!”
“You’re lying, Wren. I can see right through you.”
“Whatever. This is bullshit.” She tried to walk away, but he stopped her, standing in front of her.
“No, we’re talking this through.” She glared back at him as he started to speak. “Let’s rewind to that night we went to dinner before we got married. Did you want to sleep with me that night because we were getting married or because you wanted me naked?” She went to answer, but he stopped her. “Honestly. It won’t hurt my feelings.”
She blinked and then shrugged. “I mean, I guess both. I wanted you naked, but I felt like maybe we should get it on.”
“Get it on, not make love.”
Her brow rose. “That’s dumb. No one makes love anymore, Jensen.”
“I do. I make fucking love. I don’t fuck. I don’t use a girl to get off. I have sex with her because I want to please her. I want to make her yearn for me. Want more because she means something to me. Do I mean anything to you?”
“Yes, of course,” she answered quickly. “I care for you.”
“Do you like me?”
Her eyes narrowed as annoyance filled her flushed face. “Yeah.”
“Do you love me?”
Her eyes widened as she looked away, unsure what to say. “I mean, no… I don’t know. Why? Why do words matter?”
Wow, that stung, but before he could wallow in that, he yelled, “Because the words you’ve been given have been utter shit, and you don’t know what it’s like to use your words for good. To make someone feel good. To lift them up and make their days better.”
“I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation. If you don’t want to fuck me, don’t.”
“You’re right, I don’t want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you that when I look at you, I see a goddess. I see someone I can spend the rest of my life with—”
Throwing her hands up, she exclaimed, “This was supposed to be fake!” It was as if she’d slapped him. His lips pressed together as her eyes filled with tears. “When I asked you to do this, Jensen, I said it would be fake. You’re the one who wanted it to be real.”
He swallowed hard as he held her gaze. “You’re right, because it’s not fake for me. None of it. Everything I feel, everything I say, is fucking real, Wren.” Her lips snapped shut as she watched him stare back at her. “This was real the moment I asked you to marry me. And, Wren, I get it, sweetheart, I do. This scares the fuck out of you, but just think how scared I am. I’m investing every single ounce of myself in you with the hope that you don’t shatter me. I’m willing to risk a very long friendship with your brother, with your family, shit, even with mine, for you. So yeah, I don’t want to fuck you. I want to make love to you, and I refuse to do anything else but that.”
Holding his gaze, she shook her head. “That isn’t what I wanted, though.”
“Still? I mean, shit, Wren, it’s been weeks, and you still don’t want this? Me?”
The tears started to spill over her sweet cheeks as she shrugged. “I just don’t know.”
Looking away, he fell back into the cabinets as he covered his face, feeling his heart shatter. He loved this girl, so fucking much, and he felt like he was in a losing battle. Yet, he didn’t have it in him to accept defeat. Clearing his throat free of the emotion that wanted to suffocate him, he looked up at her as she cried softly before him. He didn’t know what to say, and yet, he just wanted to reach for her. Hold her, calm her. Was he pathetic?
“Do you love me?” she asked then as she slowly looked up at him, her eyes flooded with tears. It left him feeling like he had just taken a puck to the chest with no protection whatsoever, but then, that’s how he always felt around her. “Everyone says you do, but surely, if you did, you would have tried something before all this.”
Swallowing hard, he nodded. “I do.”
A sob escaped her lips. “What? How? Why? You’ve never said anything.”
“Because I couldn’t.” Her tears fell faster as she shook her head. “I knew you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen in my whole entire life the moment I met you. I wanted you. So fucking badly. But I wouldn’t disrespect your parents in their house. I just wouldn’t, and you never seemed interested in me, so I buried my feelings.”
Her eyes widened as her mouth trembled. “What? Since then?”
“Yeah,” he said with a nod, his heart clanking against his ribs. “Then I met Ophelia, and I convinced myself I loved her. In reality, I always thought of you. I waited for you to text me, needing me, and I would come because I had this compulsion inside of me to always be there for you. When she left me, I was crushed, but I still thought about you. I knew I wasn’t good enough for you. I was sterile, you were fucking gorgeous and amazing, and you needed a man who would give you children. I couldn’t do it.”
“Jensen,” she cried, reaching out, but her hands fell when he backed farther into the counter. If she touched him, he’d lose it.
“But then that time we were out at NateWay, and you were flirting with me about that damn hammer, I thought, this is it, take her in your arms and tell her how you feel. But I didn’t. Because my issue held me back, and I knew you weren’t into relationships. Then days turned into months. We both were on different tracks in life, and while I never didn’t think about you, I knew I wasn’t on your radar until that moment you asked for me to be the father of your kid,” he said, his voice breaking. “So yeah, this wasn’t real for you, but it’s been real for me since the moment I met you. And fucking hell, I want you to love me back. I want it so badly because I have loved you and will love you long after you’re gone. You’re it for me.”
She looked away, and her mouth trembled as she ran her hands down her face, catching her tears and wiping them away. He knew he shouldn’t have unloaded on her, she hadn’t had the best day, but it was bound to happen. In all reality, they should have done this at the beginning, before they were almost three weeks in. But there they were, standing in the kitchen, both in tears. “I don’t know what to say.”
