Incandescent
Page 29
“Oh, Kadence.” Holly’s mom comes rushing forward to me. The tears come harder, knowing it’s not just my life affected; they too hurt because of me, because of Zane.
“Hey, Mrs. McAdams.” She barely contains the gasp when she hears my voice and sees my injuries up close. I haven’t looked in the mirror, but the look on her face shows me it's not great. Geez, the boys didn’t even flinch. Much.
“How is she?”
“Not good, dear,” she tells me, worry etched in her brow.
“Can I see her?”
“No!” Holly’s older brother yells out, stepping away from the door.
“Sam,” his mother scolds him.
“No, Mom, if it wasn’t for Kadence, this never would have happened.” I drag in a sharp breath at his words, while Nix steps up beside the wheelchair.
“Watch yourself.” The threat is louder than his voice. “I know you mean somethin’ to my girl, so I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here, that you’re just messed up with your sister in that room. You’re not thinkin’ straight, but you don’t get to put this shit on her,” Nix tells him.
“Like fuck I don’t,” Sam argues back, stepping forward into Nix’s space. Sam is tall like Nix, but lacks the build. However, the fire burning behind his eyes suggests he wouldn’t care if he was up against the Hulk; he just wants to protect Holly. “Her ex shot her. She lost the baby,” he chokes out.
My breath stops for a moment. The thumping sound in my ears rings loudly, blocking everything around me. My heart feels like someone just twisted it out of my chest.
“What?” the word barely comes out as I push it past the bile rising in my throat.
“The baby,” he repeats. “You didn’t know?” He asks incredulously.
Is this why she has been acting strange the last three weeks? I knew something was up, but this?
“Baby?” I choke the word foreign to my lips.
“She was seven weeks along,” Holly’s mom cries softly beside me. “She only just found out. I only just found out,” she adds.
I can’t believe Holly didn’t tell me; that she kept it from me. I know Holly likes to date, but I also know she is very careful. Who is the father? Does she know? Is that why she didn’t tell me?
“Let me in, Sam,” I demand, the urge to see her growing with every question my head keeps throwing out.
“No, she doesn’t want to see you.”
“Bullshit,” I say, not believing the lie.
“Kadence, she won’t see anyone,” he sighs, his features drained. “You need to give her time.”
“No, I’m not leaving. She was with me every step of the way when I needed her. You know she’s not thinking straight. She needs me, Sam. Don’t make me let her down,” I plead. If anyone knows just how much Holly means to me, it’s Sam. He lived through the nightmares of me pushing everyone away. Holly is my person. There is no way in this world I'm going without letting her know I’m here. I won’t leave her alone. He must see through my plea, the agony on my face. My best friend is mourning the loss of a child alone and only twenty feet away from me
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He steps aside, letting Nix push me forward.
“Go away,” Holly’s voice calls out as soon as Nix opens the door, and pushes me into the darkened room.
“No,” I simply say. I’ve been in this situation before; the realness of it so raw, only this time we’re on opposite sides.
“Kadence, I don’t want to talk,” she snaps as Nix pushes me closer to her bed. Leaning down, he brushes his lips to my temple. “I’ll just be outside the door.” I nod, letting him know I’ll be fine.
“Fuck off, Kadence,” Holly sneers.
“I’m not going anywhere, Holly,” I calmly tell her, even though I can feel her pull away.
“Holly,” I begin, ready to apologize, wanting her to see that if I could take it away, I would.
“Kadence, I don’t want to talk about it,” she warns; her cool and angry state slowly starts to slip.
“That’s okay, Holly. We don’t have to talk, but I’m not leaving you, babe, so shut up and let me be here for you.” She looks over at me, her eyes empty. It stings my eyes and burns my throat that she looks broken, so defeated. A runaway tear rolls down her face, the slow descent followed by another.
“I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her voice breaks as the first, raw sob breaks free.
“It’s okay, Holly.” I reach out and take her hand, squeezing it. I hold back the urge to cry out at the injustice of it, the ugliness that I’ve brought into her life. I need to be strong, for her, for me.
“No, it’s not. Everything is fucked, Kadence.” Her tears become uncontrollable as her sobs take over her body. The pain and devastation of what she’s lost, sinks in all around us in the darkness of her hospital room.
“Do you remember when I was laying in the hospital after that last surgery?” I ask. “I was broken and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to deal with anyone looking at me?” She nods, remembering that dark time, her eyes looking heavier and heavier.
“You climbed into my bed, and you held me and didn’t let go, and then you said something to me that I would never forget. You told me, ‘Kadence, everything is going to be okay, just not today.’” She shakes her head no, squeezing her eyes tightly shut, like it will stop the words from coming. “You were right, Holly.” I hold back the lump building in my throat, watching her deny my words.
“You’re going to be okay, Holly. Just not today.” A sob escapes her, and I can’t help but follow her into a state of distress. The nurse comes in, trying to calm her as she breaks down. I want to climb into bed with her, hold her, and take away the devastation she is living, but I can’t. Instead, I sit here helpless and watch them as they administer something into her drip.
I hold my best friend’s hand, the only comfort I can give her as I watch her body fight the pull of the darkness. I don’t let go. I don’t leave her alone, knowing she would do it for me, has done it for me. And I do it knowing those words she once told me hold more truth than I’ve ever known: she’s going to be okay. We both are.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nix
“I want him fuckin’ found and I want him dead,” I calmly tell the table of my closest brothers and my dad. Beau sits to my left and Jesse to my right.
“You sure about this, Prez?” Jesse asks.
“About as sure as I fuckin’ know Kadence is in that hospital for another night. Her best friend shot,” I shout. I know Jesse is only looking out for me, but Gunner Jamieson is dead, preferably by my hands. I don’t give a fuck what I have to do. The fucker is mine.
After learning about Holly and the baby, something broke in me. I thought Kadence was gonna come back okay, but knowing what I know, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.
“Might have a problem with T,” Beau speaks up. “He’s got his markers on him. He might get him first.”
“Well, make sure he doesn’t,” I spit. The fucker deserves to die. I don’t tell the boys Holly’s situation. Kadence made me promise to keep it quiet, but I know if they knew, they wouldn’t be sitting here trying to get me to calm down.
“Fuck,” Beau curses under his breath, knowing I won’t stop until he’s found.
“Think about this, Nix,” Brooks says, trying to reason with me. The problem is I’ve lost all reasoning. I lost it all when I watched my girl mourn with her best friend.
“Think about the situation,” he continues.
“Brooks,” I warn, cutting him off. “How would you feel if some asshole put his hands on Kelly and nearly strangled her to death?”
“I get you, brother. I do, but we have to be smart. All that hard work getting us clean will be for nothing. Think about Z,” he pushes.
“I am fuckin’ thinkin’ about Z,” I shout out across the room.
“I’ve got no problem doing it,” Sy says, sitting next to Beau. We all look to him.
“No,” I tell him
“Why the fuck not? You got Kadence and Z to worry about. I’ve got no one.”
“I want him.”
“It’s not about that, Nix,” Brooks tries again. “Leave it to T.”
“Fuck T,” Sy’s deep voice booms. “Look where that got us.”
“I don’t like this,” Jesse pipes up.
“Me either,” Brooks adds.
I can see this going around in circles. Jesse and Sy start arguing, Brooks shaking his head.
“Fuck, everyone, calm down.” My pops finally speaks up and the room falls silent as the old Prez’s voice echoes around the clubhouse. "Nix. You're not thinking straight. Your head is fucked up with seeing Kadence. I get it. I’ve lived it, but if this were about one of the guys, you would be looking at it differently. You’ve got this shit with Addison and Z. You can’t be getting yourself into a situation that will come back on you. Kadence is coming home tomorrow. You need to be here for her. Don’t make the same mistakes as I did.” He speaks directly to me, his tone telling me to get my head out of my ass. I know what he is saying is true, but this untapped rage is spurring me on. The last time I felt like this was when my mother was killed.
“I’ll fucking do it,” Sy says again.
“No one is fucking doing anything,” Brooks barks. “This club has seen too much shit. I’m not gonna sit down and watch you walk down a path that you fuckin’ worked so hard to get away from. Think about it, Nix. Give T time to sort this out.”
I know what they are saying is true; this isn’t who we are, what I am, but if we don’t get a handle on Gunner, he will only try again.
“Fuck.” I run my hands over my face, frustrated. “Fine, I’ll give T a week, and then I’m goin’ after him,” I agree, and mean it. If T doesn’t handle it, I will make it my mission to fucking kill him.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Kadence
The smell of Zane’s breath over me, the coolness of the gun meeting my forehead, wakes me in a screaming cold sweat.
“Fuck,” Nix sighs next to me. “You okay, babe?” He pulls me closer to him, his strong arms protecting me.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I lie, the reminder of what we went through still fresh in my memory. Some nights I sleep peacefully knowing that Nix will keep me safe, and other nights, I wake myself screaming, trying to escape the darkness. Those nights are the worst, Nix having to hold me down as I lash out at an empty threat. I know it’s going to take time to move past it all. It's only been eight weeks since I left the hospital.
“I hate this so fuckin’ much.” His lips come to my hair, kissing and breathing me in. I hate that he has to see it too, but I can’t stop the ugly memories from visiting me in the middle of the night.
“Imagine how Holly feels?” I know it’s not my fault, and saying those words to Nix is the wrong thing to say, but the guilt I’m feeling just won't leave. That night did more than just mess with her. Losing the baby she was carrying and getting shot broke something in her that I don’t think anyone can fix. The first four weeks after leaving the hospital, she wouldn’t talk to anyone, pushed everyone away. I tried my best to break through. That one moment in the hospital room was the only time I ever felt close to her. When Nix came in and took me back to my room was the moment I lost her again. She built her walls so far up, even I couldn’t scale them. It’s been hard not knowing if she blames me for that night.
“Holly is dealin’ with her shit the best way she can, Kadence, but if you don’t stop blamin’ yourself, you won't get better.” Nix turns me to face him. The light of the moon sends a soft glow through the window, outlining his face by the shadows. I know he’s right, but what Zane took from her, I can’t ever give back.
“Didn’t she just start a new job?” he asks, sitting up and flicking the bedside lamp on. This has become our new norm. On the nights I wake up, we end up spending the next half-an-hour talking about anything and everything. It's Nix’s way of trying to get me to forget the nightmare I just woke up to.
“Not yet. Next month, she starts back at a new salon, new clients.” I sit up against the headboard, resting my head on his shoulder.
“That’s good, babe. Just give her some more time. She’s comin’ to the clubhouse for your birthday party, so that’s progress.” I nod, agreeing with him. I wouldn’t be having a damn party if Nix didn’t insist.
“My parents said they would take Z for the night,” I tell him as his fingers wrap around mine.
“Good, ‘cause I have plans for you next weekend.” He grins his sexy grin.
“Can’t you have plans for me tonight?” I whine. Yes, whine. I am seriously over my Nix rations. I’ve been on bed rest and light duties. Apparently, sex is not classified as light duties.
“Kadence, how many times do I have to tell you? Not until the doctor clears you.”
“Nix, you won’t hurt me,” I try to convince him. I know it won’t get me anywhere; the man is too strong to break. I’ve begged, cried and even tried to seduce him. Nothing.
“You want my mouth?” he asks, rolling me over to my back and covering me.
“No, I want your cock.”
“You can have my cock in your mouth,” he offers
“Hey, Mrs. McAdams.” She barely contains the gasp when she hears my voice and sees my injuries up close. I haven’t looked in the mirror, but the look on her face shows me it's not great. Geez, the boys didn’t even flinch. Much.
“How is she?”
“Not good, dear,” she tells me, worry etched in her brow.
“Can I see her?”
“No!” Holly’s older brother yells out, stepping away from the door.
“Sam,” his mother scolds him.
“No, Mom, if it wasn’t for Kadence, this never would have happened.” I drag in a sharp breath at his words, while Nix steps up beside the wheelchair.
“Watch yourself.” The threat is louder than his voice. “I know you mean somethin’ to my girl, so I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here, that you’re just messed up with your sister in that room. You’re not thinkin’ straight, but you don’t get to put this shit on her,” Nix tells him.
“Like fuck I don’t,” Sam argues back, stepping forward into Nix’s space. Sam is tall like Nix, but lacks the build. However, the fire burning behind his eyes suggests he wouldn’t care if he was up against the Hulk; he just wants to protect Holly. “Her ex shot her. She lost the baby,” he chokes out.
My breath stops for a moment. The thumping sound in my ears rings loudly, blocking everything around me. My heart feels like someone just twisted it out of my chest.
“What?” the word barely comes out as I push it past the bile rising in my throat.
“The baby,” he repeats. “You didn’t know?” He asks incredulously.
Is this why she has been acting strange the last three weeks? I knew something was up, but this?
“Baby?” I choke the word foreign to my lips.
“She was seven weeks along,” Holly’s mom cries softly beside me. “She only just found out. I only just found out,” she adds.
I can’t believe Holly didn’t tell me; that she kept it from me. I know Holly likes to date, but I also know she is very careful. Who is the father? Does she know? Is that why she didn’t tell me?
“Let me in, Sam,” I demand, the urge to see her growing with every question my head keeps throwing out.
“No, she doesn’t want to see you.”
“Bullshit,” I say, not believing the lie.
“Kadence, she won’t see anyone,” he sighs, his features drained. “You need to give her time.”
“No, I’m not leaving. She was with me every step of the way when I needed her. You know she’s not thinking straight. She needs me, Sam. Don’t make me let her down,” I plead. If anyone knows just how much Holly means to me, it’s Sam. He lived through the nightmares of me pushing everyone away. Holly is my person. There is no way in this world I'm going without letting her know I’m here. I won’t leave her alone. He must see through my plea, the agony on my face. My best friend is mourning the loss of a child alone and only twenty feet away from me
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He steps aside, letting Nix push me forward.
“Go away,” Holly’s voice calls out as soon as Nix opens the door, and pushes me into the darkened room.
“No,” I simply say. I’ve been in this situation before; the realness of it so raw, only this time we’re on opposite sides.
“Kadence, I don’t want to talk,” she snaps as Nix pushes me closer to her bed. Leaning down, he brushes his lips to my temple. “I’ll just be outside the door.” I nod, letting him know I’ll be fine.
“Fuck off, Kadence,” Holly sneers.
“I’m not going anywhere, Holly,” I calmly tell her, even though I can feel her pull away.
“Holly,” I begin, ready to apologize, wanting her to see that if I could take it away, I would.
“Kadence, I don’t want to talk about it,” she warns; her cool and angry state slowly starts to slip.
“That’s okay, Holly. We don’t have to talk, but I’m not leaving you, babe, so shut up and let me be here for you.” She looks over at me, her eyes empty. It stings my eyes and burns my throat that she looks broken, so defeated. A runaway tear rolls down her face, the slow descent followed by another.
“I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her voice breaks as the first, raw sob breaks free.
“It’s okay, Holly.” I reach out and take her hand, squeezing it. I hold back the urge to cry out at the injustice of it, the ugliness that I’ve brought into her life. I need to be strong, for her, for me.
“No, it’s not. Everything is fucked, Kadence.” Her tears become uncontrollable as her sobs take over her body. The pain and devastation of what she’s lost, sinks in all around us in the darkness of her hospital room.
“Do you remember when I was laying in the hospital after that last surgery?” I ask. “I was broken and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to deal with anyone looking at me?” She nods, remembering that dark time, her eyes looking heavier and heavier.
“You climbed into my bed, and you held me and didn’t let go, and then you said something to me that I would never forget. You told me, ‘Kadence, everything is going to be okay, just not today.’” She shakes her head no, squeezing her eyes tightly shut, like it will stop the words from coming. “You were right, Holly.” I hold back the lump building in my throat, watching her deny my words.
“You’re going to be okay, Holly. Just not today.” A sob escapes her, and I can’t help but follow her into a state of distress. The nurse comes in, trying to calm her as she breaks down. I want to climb into bed with her, hold her, and take away the devastation she is living, but I can’t. Instead, I sit here helpless and watch them as they administer something into her drip.
I hold my best friend’s hand, the only comfort I can give her as I watch her body fight the pull of the darkness. I don’t let go. I don’t leave her alone, knowing she would do it for me, has done it for me. And I do it knowing those words she once told me hold more truth than I’ve ever known: she’s going to be okay. We both are.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nix
“I want him fuckin’ found and I want him dead,” I calmly tell the table of my closest brothers and my dad. Beau sits to my left and Jesse to my right.
“You sure about this, Prez?” Jesse asks.
“About as sure as I fuckin’ know Kadence is in that hospital for another night. Her best friend shot,” I shout. I know Jesse is only looking out for me, but Gunner Jamieson is dead, preferably by my hands. I don’t give a fuck what I have to do. The fucker is mine.
After learning about Holly and the baby, something broke in me. I thought Kadence was gonna come back okay, but knowing what I know, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.
“Might have a problem with T,” Beau speaks up. “He’s got his markers on him. He might get him first.”
“Well, make sure he doesn’t,” I spit. The fucker deserves to die. I don’t tell the boys Holly’s situation. Kadence made me promise to keep it quiet, but I know if they knew, they wouldn’t be sitting here trying to get me to calm down.
“Fuck,” Beau curses under his breath, knowing I won’t stop until he’s found.
“Think about this, Nix,” Brooks says, trying to reason with me. The problem is I’ve lost all reasoning. I lost it all when I watched my girl mourn with her best friend.
“Think about the situation,” he continues.
“Brooks,” I warn, cutting him off. “How would you feel if some asshole put his hands on Kelly and nearly strangled her to death?”
“I get you, brother. I do, but we have to be smart. All that hard work getting us clean will be for nothing. Think about Z,” he pushes.
“I am fuckin’ thinkin’ about Z,” I shout out across the room.
“I’ve got no problem doing it,” Sy says, sitting next to Beau. We all look to him.
“No,” I tell him
“Why the fuck not? You got Kadence and Z to worry about. I’ve got no one.”
“I want him.”
“It’s not about that, Nix,” Brooks tries again. “Leave it to T.”
“Fuck T,” Sy’s deep voice booms. “Look where that got us.”
“I don’t like this,” Jesse pipes up.
“Me either,” Brooks adds.
I can see this going around in circles. Jesse and Sy start arguing, Brooks shaking his head.
“Fuck, everyone, calm down.” My pops finally speaks up and the room falls silent as the old Prez’s voice echoes around the clubhouse. "Nix. You're not thinking straight. Your head is fucked up with seeing Kadence. I get it. I’ve lived it, but if this were about one of the guys, you would be looking at it differently. You’ve got this shit with Addison and Z. You can’t be getting yourself into a situation that will come back on you. Kadence is coming home tomorrow. You need to be here for her. Don’t make the same mistakes as I did.” He speaks directly to me, his tone telling me to get my head out of my ass. I know what he is saying is true, but this untapped rage is spurring me on. The last time I felt like this was when my mother was killed.
“I’ll fucking do it,” Sy says again.
“No one is fucking doing anything,” Brooks barks. “This club has seen too much shit. I’m not gonna sit down and watch you walk down a path that you fuckin’ worked so hard to get away from. Think about it, Nix. Give T time to sort this out.”
I know what they are saying is true; this isn’t who we are, what I am, but if we don’t get a handle on Gunner, he will only try again.
“Fuck.” I run my hands over my face, frustrated. “Fine, I’ll give T a week, and then I’m goin’ after him,” I agree, and mean it. If T doesn’t handle it, I will make it my mission to fucking kill him.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Kadence
The smell of Zane’s breath over me, the coolness of the gun meeting my forehead, wakes me in a screaming cold sweat.
“Fuck,” Nix sighs next to me. “You okay, babe?” He pulls me closer to him, his strong arms protecting me.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I lie, the reminder of what we went through still fresh in my memory. Some nights I sleep peacefully knowing that Nix will keep me safe, and other nights, I wake myself screaming, trying to escape the darkness. Those nights are the worst, Nix having to hold me down as I lash out at an empty threat. I know it’s going to take time to move past it all. It's only been eight weeks since I left the hospital.
“I hate this so fuckin’ much.” His lips come to my hair, kissing and breathing me in. I hate that he has to see it too, but I can’t stop the ugly memories from visiting me in the middle of the night.
“Imagine how Holly feels?” I know it’s not my fault, and saying those words to Nix is the wrong thing to say, but the guilt I’m feeling just won't leave. That night did more than just mess with her. Losing the baby she was carrying and getting shot broke something in her that I don’t think anyone can fix. The first four weeks after leaving the hospital, she wouldn’t talk to anyone, pushed everyone away. I tried my best to break through. That one moment in the hospital room was the only time I ever felt close to her. When Nix came in and took me back to my room was the moment I lost her again. She built her walls so far up, even I couldn’t scale them. It’s been hard not knowing if she blames me for that night.
“Holly is dealin’ with her shit the best way she can, Kadence, but if you don’t stop blamin’ yourself, you won't get better.” Nix turns me to face him. The light of the moon sends a soft glow through the window, outlining his face by the shadows. I know he’s right, but what Zane took from her, I can’t ever give back.
“Didn’t she just start a new job?” he asks, sitting up and flicking the bedside lamp on. This has become our new norm. On the nights I wake up, we end up spending the next half-an-hour talking about anything and everything. It's Nix’s way of trying to get me to forget the nightmare I just woke up to.
“Not yet. Next month, she starts back at a new salon, new clients.” I sit up against the headboard, resting my head on his shoulder.
“That’s good, babe. Just give her some more time. She’s comin’ to the clubhouse for your birthday party, so that’s progress.” I nod, agreeing with him. I wouldn’t be having a damn party if Nix didn’t insist.
“My parents said they would take Z for the night,” I tell him as his fingers wrap around mine.
“Good, ‘cause I have plans for you next weekend.” He grins his sexy grin.
“Can’t you have plans for me tonight?” I whine. Yes, whine. I am seriously over my Nix rations. I’ve been on bed rest and light duties. Apparently, sex is not classified as light duties.
“Kadence, how many times do I have to tell you? Not until the doctor clears you.”
“Nix, you won’t hurt me,” I try to convince him. I know it won’t get me anywhere; the man is too strong to break. I’ve begged, cried and even tried to seduce him. Nothing.
“You want my mouth?” he asks, rolling me over to my back and covering me.
“No, I want your cock.”
“You can have my cock in your mouth,” he offers
