Infatuation
Page 86
“Then what happened?” The air grows thick as we both sit and look at each other, neither one of us speaking until Beau takes my hand. “I love you, Kenz, but I’m not gonna talk about this with you. Do you hear me?” Reluctantly, I nod, in understanding more than anything. If Beau didn’t kill him, then someone else did and he won’t tell me.
“I need to hear the words.”
“Yes, I understand, Beau.” I give him the words he needs to relax.
“Do you trust me, darlin’?”
“More than myself,” I answer without pause. He has to know how much trust I have in him. How much he could destroy me. We are connected like nothing else. I trust him with everything.
“Then breathe, darlin’. Trust that I have you. That I have this.” I nod, giving it over to him and maybe even more. This thing between us is bigger than I’ve ever felt before; this is on a whole new level.
“Good girl, now come here.” He falls back, pulling me down with him so my body covers his.
“Just promise me she’s going to be okay.” I press my lips to his and close my eyes, almost praying he grants my wish.
“I promise you’re going to be okay.” I open my eyes when he doesn’t give me what I want.
“I don’t care about me. I need her to be okay.” He rolls us to his left, following me over and covering me with his weight.
“I care about you. I need you to be okay.” I shake my head, not sure if I’ll ever be okay.
Not after this.
When I came here, I couldn’t imagine my situation getting any worse. I thought after everything I had been through, surely this time around would finally give me my happy ending.
Look where it got me. I was to blame for bringing this to their lives. I knew it. Beau knew it. Everyone in the club knew it.
But no one is saying it.
No, I won’t be okay, not until Kelly is.
Not until this is over.
Thirty
Beau
“Mackenzie? Did you hear me?” She looks up at my voice and smiles. But it’s not like her usual smile. This one’s new. It’s the one she started giving after Kelly was hurt. Each day it kills me and each day it gets worse.
After the first three days, Kelly’s swelling didn’t come down as quickly as the doctors first hoped. She was kept in her induced coma for nine days before they brought her out. Only she didn’t respond. Three weeks later and she still hasn’t woken up. She’s breathing on her own, her brain function is normal, she’s shown signs she’s there, but she hasn’t come out yet. We’re all hopeful, telling ourselves she’s just taking a little longer to come out of it because her body is healing. Most injuries with the brain vary from case to case, so all we can do now is wait.
“Yeah, just finishing up. You go on ahead.” Mackenzie waves me off and goes back to reading.
“Must be some book you have there.” I reach down and pull it out of her hands.
“Hey!” She shifts forward to grab it back, but I don’t let her.
“Reading time’s over. You’re coming to bed with me.”
“Beau, I was at the best part.” She fights it, but I’m done with this shit. I’m not letting her play this card anymore.
“It’s still gonna be there tomorrow.”
“I’m not tired. I just want to read, Beau.” She starts to shut down, just like every time I push a little. Over the last four weeks, I’ve let her get away with it, thinking it was what she needed. But now it’s getting out of hand and she’s pulling further away instead of coming back to me.
The last month has been tough for everyone. The club has taken a huge hit with Kelly still in her coma. Brooks is barely holding it together. Mackenzie feels guilty. We’re still on the lookout for Brent Harrison and between daily visits to the hospital, and having Mia stay with us off and on, it’s been a complete clusterfuck.
“You’ve been pulling back from me.”
“I’m just—”
“You can’t lose yourself in a book to get through this, Kenzie.” She looks up at me, guilt etched all over her face.
“I’m not, Beau.” Her argument is weak, setting in stone what we both already know.
“Darlin’, I haven’t had you in my arms in four weeks. Tell me when’s the last time you came to bed with me?” I try not to sound like a fucking pussy, but Jesus Christ, I’m losing my shit.
“I’m sorry. I just haven’t been in the mood. How can you even think about sex with everything going on?”
“I’m not talking about sex, darlin’. I’m talking about holding you. Fucking touching you. Just being with you.” In the beginning, I expected it. I knew she would shut down, but this, this is more. This is her letting it eat at her.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Beau.”
“I want a lot of things, darlin’, but I’ll settle for you coming to bed with me. You want to read, fine. You read in our bed, with me.” I reach out for her hand and wait for her to take it. “Come on, Kenz,” I encourage. It’s something so small. But right now, for us it’s huge. I need her to come back to me. To come back to us.
“Fine,” she finally relents. “I’m tired anyway.” She takes my hand and stands.
I hand her back her book as I guide her down the hall, turning the lights off as we go. She doesn’t talk and I don’t push her. After brushing our teeth, we settle into bed. She doesn’t roll into me like she used to, and I want to reach over and pull her to me, but I don’t. It’s enough she’s even here.
“I need to hear the words.”
“Yes, I understand, Beau.” I give him the words he needs to relax.
“Do you trust me, darlin’?”
“More than myself,” I answer without pause. He has to know how much trust I have in him. How much he could destroy me. We are connected like nothing else. I trust him with everything.
“Then breathe, darlin’. Trust that I have you. That I have this.” I nod, giving it over to him and maybe even more. This thing between us is bigger than I’ve ever felt before; this is on a whole new level.
“Good girl, now come here.” He falls back, pulling me down with him so my body covers his.
“Just promise me she’s going to be okay.” I press my lips to his and close my eyes, almost praying he grants my wish.
“I promise you’re going to be okay.” I open my eyes when he doesn’t give me what I want.
“I don’t care about me. I need her to be okay.” He rolls us to his left, following me over and covering me with his weight.
“I care about you. I need you to be okay.” I shake my head, not sure if I’ll ever be okay.
Not after this.
When I came here, I couldn’t imagine my situation getting any worse. I thought after everything I had been through, surely this time around would finally give me my happy ending.
Look where it got me. I was to blame for bringing this to their lives. I knew it. Beau knew it. Everyone in the club knew it.
But no one is saying it.
No, I won’t be okay, not until Kelly is.
Not until this is over.
Thirty
Beau
“Mackenzie? Did you hear me?” She looks up at my voice and smiles. But it’s not like her usual smile. This one’s new. It’s the one she started giving after Kelly was hurt. Each day it kills me and each day it gets worse.
After the first three days, Kelly’s swelling didn’t come down as quickly as the doctors first hoped. She was kept in her induced coma for nine days before they brought her out. Only she didn’t respond. Three weeks later and she still hasn’t woken up. She’s breathing on her own, her brain function is normal, she’s shown signs she’s there, but she hasn’t come out yet. We’re all hopeful, telling ourselves she’s just taking a little longer to come out of it because her body is healing. Most injuries with the brain vary from case to case, so all we can do now is wait.
“Yeah, just finishing up. You go on ahead.” Mackenzie waves me off and goes back to reading.
“Must be some book you have there.” I reach down and pull it out of her hands.
“Hey!” She shifts forward to grab it back, but I don’t let her.
“Reading time’s over. You’re coming to bed with me.”
“Beau, I was at the best part.” She fights it, but I’m done with this shit. I’m not letting her play this card anymore.
“It’s still gonna be there tomorrow.”
“I’m not tired. I just want to read, Beau.” She starts to shut down, just like every time I push a little. Over the last four weeks, I’ve let her get away with it, thinking it was what she needed. But now it’s getting out of hand and she’s pulling further away instead of coming back to me.
The last month has been tough for everyone. The club has taken a huge hit with Kelly still in her coma. Brooks is barely holding it together. Mackenzie feels guilty. We’re still on the lookout for Brent Harrison and between daily visits to the hospital, and having Mia stay with us off and on, it’s been a complete clusterfuck.
“You’ve been pulling back from me.”
“I’m just—”
“You can’t lose yourself in a book to get through this, Kenzie.” She looks up at me, guilt etched all over her face.
“I’m not, Beau.” Her argument is weak, setting in stone what we both already know.
“Darlin’, I haven’t had you in my arms in four weeks. Tell me when’s the last time you came to bed with me?” I try not to sound like a fucking pussy, but Jesus Christ, I’m losing my shit.
“I’m sorry. I just haven’t been in the mood. How can you even think about sex with everything going on?”
“I’m not talking about sex, darlin’. I’m talking about holding you. Fucking touching you. Just being with you.” In the beginning, I expected it. I knew she would shut down, but this, this is more. This is her letting it eat at her.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Beau.”
“I want a lot of things, darlin’, but I’ll settle for you coming to bed with me. You want to read, fine. You read in our bed, with me.” I reach out for her hand and wait for her to take it. “Come on, Kenz,” I encourage. It’s something so small. But right now, for us it’s huge. I need her to come back to me. To come back to us.
“Fine,” she finally relents. “I’m tired anyway.” She takes my hand and stands.
I hand her back her book as I guide her down the hall, turning the lights off as we go. She doesn’t talk and I don’t push her. After brushing our teeth, we settle into bed. She doesn’t roll into me like she used to, and I want to reach over and pull her to me, but I don’t. It’s enough she’s even here.
