Infatuation
Page 87
“The opening of Missy’s Place is going ahead next week,” I fill her in on what the club decided today.
“What?” her body flings up to a sitting position. “No, Beau. You can’t. Not without Kelly.”
“We’ve already postponed it three weeks. We’ve gotta get it going.” I itch to roll over and flick the lamp on, wanting to see her reaction, but I don’t want her to shut down again. Not when I just have her talking.
“It’s her baby just as much as it’s yours.”
“You’re right, and she would want us to go ahead. Kelly would want us to help as many people as we can. You know this.”
She doesn’t come back with anything; instead, she lies back down and settles underneath the covers. She knows I’m right, knows this is what Kelly would want. Pushing back the opening isn’t helping anyone.
“I’m sorry, darlin’. I know you wanted to wait. But we have a lot of people expecting to start work, plus all the women we had coming in.”
“No, I get it. You’re right. She would want it to go ahead.” She slightly rolls to the middle of the bed, facing me and I turn to face her. I can barely make out her features in the dark, but I can see her eyes are open and looking into mine.
“I’m sorry, Beau. I didn’t mean to pull away,” she whispers after a few minutes of silence.
“Nothing to be sorry for. I understand why you have, but darlin’, it’s gotta stop. I’ve given you time, and I’ve let you try to work this out on your own, but I’m done waiting.” Her hand finds mine under the blanket and I greedily take it, threading my fingers through hers.
“The guilt, it’s just eating me, Beau. Because of me, she’s in that hospital bed.”
“You can’t let this guilt win, Kenz. You need to fight it before it controls you. Fuck, trust me. If anyone knows, it’s me.” I roll in closer to her. If I could just fall into her to make her see, I would.
“How do you know, Beau? How do you know what this feels like? I can’t just stop feeling this. First it was Chad. Then Heidi, because we both know she’s not coming back, and now Kelly.” The desperation in her voice almost makes me lie and tell her one day it will go away, one day it will stop hurting, but I don’t because it doesn’t.
“I know because every time I help a woman in a dangerous situation I see Missy’s face.” I try to give her something to hold on to. Something I haven’t given anyone before. “I’m reminded of that look of fear, the look of defeat, and then I’m reminded I couldn’t save her. I help these women every fucking day, Kenz, yet all I see is Missy. I see my failures. My regret. My guilt.” She stills as I shift my body back, angling to face the ceiling.
“It took me two years to realize something was wrong. For two fucking years I didn’t see it. I don’t know if it’s because I was selfish, lost in my own fucking head, or if I just didn’t want to see it, but I missed the signs. The turtlenecks she would wear in the summer. How she all of a sudden became clumsy. Fuck, even the way the light in her eyes just dwindled away. Two years, I was blind. How’s that for guilt?”
“You can’t blame yourself, Beau.” Kenzie finally speaks up, resting her hand on my bare chest. “You didn’t bring him into her life.”
“No, I did worse. I didn’t save her. Instead of protecting her, or insisting she leave him. I drove to his work and roughed him up. Took Nix with me and beat his ass. Told him to pack a bag and fuck off. But he didn’t. He was pissed and didn’t take too kindly to Missy telling me. She was dead the next day.”
“Oh, God, Beau. That’s not your fault.” She sits up and flicks the lamp on, bathing the room in orange light.
“No? Whose fault is it then?” I put it back on her. She’s no more to blame for Kelly than I am for Missy, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from being fed.
“His. He took her life. Not you.” Her eyes are red from crying and I’m a complete ass for putting this shit on her, but I can’t sit back and watch her travel down the same path as me.
“And you didn’t put Kelly in the hospital, darlin’.” Her shoulders sag in defeat when she understands what I’m getting at. “I know you want to blame yourself, but you have to fight it. There are always going to be moments in my day where I beat myself up over it. I was her big brother. I was meant to look after her and protect her. I can still see my mom falling to the floor when I had to tell her Missy was gone. I can still feel both of my parents pull away from me, from each other. I didn’t just lose Missy, Kenz. I lost my family. But I can’t change any of it. I can’t go back and save Missy. I can only do what I can now.”
“That’s why you started helping women? Started Missy’s Place?” she whispers, finally getting it.
“Yeah, darlin’. But it took me a long time to get here. Like you, I let it control me, but you don’t have to. You have all these people giving you grace and you’re pushing it away.”
“But how do I accept it when I don’t think I deserve it?”
“I learned a long time ago it doesn’t matter what you think you deserve. You can’t give yourself grace. You have to allow others to give it to you. No one blames you. Yes, this is a fucked-up situation. Yes, Kelly is still in a coma, but she’s not dead. You have to stay positive.” I reach forward and wipe her face. “You have to have hope. Fight for her. Fight for yourself. Don’t give up now, not when it matters the most.” Her tears are falling hard and fast now, but I don’t care. She needs to feel how real this is.
“What?” her body flings up to a sitting position. “No, Beau. You can’t. Not without Kelly.”
“We’ve already postponed it three weeks. We’ve gotta get it going.” I itch to roll over and flick the lamp on, wanting to see her reaction, but I don’t want her to shut down again. Not when I just have her talking.
“It’s her baby just as much as it’s yours.”
“You’re right, and she would want us to go ahead. Kelly would want us to help as many people as we can. You know this.”
She doesn’t come back with anything; instead, she lies back down and settles underneath the covers. She knows I’m right, knows this is what Kelly would want. Pushing back the opening isn’t helping anyone.
“I’m sorry, darlin’. I know you wanted to wait. But we have a lot of people expecting to start work, plus all the women we had coming in.”
“No, I get it. You’re right. She would want it to go ahead.” She slightly rolls to the middle of the bed, facing me and I turn to face her. I can barely make out her features in the dark, but I can see her eyes are open and looking into mine.
“I’m sorry, Beau. I didn’t mean to pull away,” she whispers after a few minutes of silence.
“Nothing to be sorry for. I understand why you have, but darlin’, it’s gotta stop. I’ve given you time, and I’ve let you try to work this out on your own, but I’m done waiting.” Her hand finds mine under the blanket and I greedily take it, threading my fingers through hers.
“The guilt, it’s just eating me, Beau. Because of me, she’s in that hospital bed.”
“You can’t let this guilt win, Kenz. You need to fight it before it controls you. Fuck, trust me. If anyone knows, it’s me.” I roll in closer to her. If I could just fall into her to make her see, I would.
“How do you know, Beau? How do you know what this feels like? I can’t just stop feeling this. First it was Chad. Then Heidi, because we both know she’s not coming back, and now Kelly.” The desperation in her voice almost makes me lie and tell her one day it will go away, one day it will stop hurting, but I don’t because it doesn’t.
“I know because every time I help a woman in a dangerous situation I see Missy’s face.” I try to give her something to hold on to. Something I haven’t given anyone before. “I’m reminded of that look of fear, the look of defeat, and then I’m reminded I couldn’t save her. I help these women every fucking day, Kenz, yet all I see is Missy. I see my failures. My regret. My guilt.” She stills as I shift my body back, angling to face the ceiling.
“It took me two years to realize something was wrong. For two fucking years I didn’t see it. I don’t know if it’s because I was selfish, lost in my own fucking head, or if I just didn’t want to see it, but I missed the signs. The turtlenecks she would wear in the summer. How she all of a sudden became clumsy. Fuck, even the way the light in her eyes just dwindled away. Two years, I was blind. How’s that for guilt?”
“You can’t blame yourself, Beau.” Kenzie finally speaks up, resting her hand on my bare chest. “You didn’t bring him into her life.”
“No, I did worse. I didn’t save her. Instead of protecting her, or insisting she leave him. I drove to his work and roughed him up. Took Nix with me and beat his ass. Told him to pack a bag and fuck off. But he didn’t. He was pissed and didn’t take too kindly to Missy telling me. She was dead the next day.”
“Oh, God, Beau. That’s not your fault.” She sits up and flicks the lamp on, bathing the room in orange light.
“No? Whose fault is it then?” I put it back on her. She’s no more to blame for Kelly than I am for Missy, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from being fed.
“His. He took her life. Not you.” Her eyes are red from crying and I’m a complete ass for putting this shit on her, but I can’t sit back and watch her travel down the same path as me.
“And you didn’t put Kelly in the hospital, darlin’.” Her shoulders sag in defeat when she understands what I’m getting at. “I know you want to blame yourself, but you have to fight it. There are always going to be moments in my day where I beat myself up over it. I was her big brother. I was meant to look after her and protect her. I can still see my mom falling to the floor when I had to tell her Missy was gone. I can still feel both of my parents pull away from me, from each other. I didn’t just lose Missy, Kenz. I lost my family. But I can’t change any of it. I can’t go back and save Missy. I can only do what I can now.”
“That’s why you started helping women? Started Missy’s Place?” she whispers, finally getting it.
“Yeah, darlin’. But it took me a long time to get here. Like you, I let it control me, but you don’t have to. You have all these people giving you grace and you’re pushing it away.”
“But how do I accept it when I don’t think I deserve it?”
“I learned a long time ago it doesn’t matter what you think you deserve. You can’t give yourself grace. You have to allow others to give it to you. No one blames you. Yes, this is a fucked-up situation. Yes, Kelly is still in a coma, but she’s not dead. You have to stay positive.” I reach forward and wipe her face. “You have to have hope. Fight for her. Fight for yourself. Don’t give up now, not when it matters the most.” Her tears are falling hard and fast now, but I don’t care. She needs to feel how real this is.
